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Original poster

Getting the “ick” over money

530 replies

OreganoOregano · 19/01/2023 15:58

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 19/01/2023 17:47

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 16:57

Doesn’t sound like a good match. And I think what you’ve done is a bit unfair on him really. Next time you should just probability just date high earners rather than trying to turn someone into one: even if it was as easy as just work harder which I guess it seldom is. A relationship built on “we can be together as long as you …” doesn’t sound particularly healthy.

This.

You just don't seem compatible. Find someone with an equivalent work ethic.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 19/01/2023 17:48

To me it's unfair that you're bullying him along to work harder, earn more, be more...

Sounds very cruel to me. I understand completely not wanting to pay for things - but if you love him you can stop doing that and go somewhere cheap for holiday or go without him, don't go out for dinner as much etc. as every high earner has to when dating a lower earner.

He's not 10 years in like you and tbh it sounds v much like 'I will only love you if you're rich'.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/01/2023 17:49

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 19/01/2023 16:19

I think it's more than just 'the ick'. He sounds like a bit of a user. Just because he's 'nice' doesn't mean he's good enough for you.

This. I mean how does he not get embarrassed letting you hand over your money for everything while he is ‘treated’ like you’re his mum? Ew. Save that money for your daughter’s future.

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 17:49

@JustCleaningtheBBQ
nothing wrong with wanting a high earning partner. It’s the finding an average earner, setting them financial targets, and then getting the hump with a nice person when they fail to achieve them that seems a bit dickish.

mewkins · 19/01/2023 17:50

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 17:07

Is it him “expecting OP to fund everything” or more a case of OP living a lifestyle -dinners, holidays etc which he simply can’t afford, despite being her partner. Many men (and some women) are happy to pay for their partner in a relationship that is financially unequal but probably rewarding in other ways. If your automatic response is that the man in this relationship is taking the piss, then you might as well just say that people should only date/marry people who are earning a very similar income to themselves.

I think this too.

It is also MASSIVE ask to expect someone to double their pay in a few months or even a few years. If it was easy, we'd all be doing it. I earn half if what you earn OP and it's not from lack of hard work. I'd also hate to be in a relationship where the other person didn't see the importance of work life balance and thought I should ruin my mental health in order to meet their salary expectations. It works for you but it doesn't for everyone. Also, I assume from your post that you have kids and he doesn't. So whereas he could afford the lifestyle he had before, he obviously can't afford the one you have in mind.

This is no one's fault but you need to realise that you're not financially compatible.

In my experience there aren't many available guys out there who are kind and caring and simultaneously driven and ambitious while still having time to spend with you. You can look for all of these attributes but you may not get them all in one person. It's completely up to you whether you keep looking or you make some compromises.

BadNomad · 19/01/2023 17:52

blackbeardsballsack · 19/01/2023 17:44

Have you missed the bit about him being happy for her to fund his lifestyle, holidays, activities, and even his own parent's meals out? But you think it's the OP who is all about money, ok.

Show quote history

If her lifestyle is more than he can afford, then yes she does have to "fund it" if that's the kind of lifestyle she wants to have with him right now. Otherwise, she needs to drop her standards to match his.

That's the problem with these mismatched-finances relationships. You can't expect someone to go 50/50 on a champagne and caviar lifestyle when they're on an M&S ready meal wage. So either they have to do things he can afford, or she goes do the things she wants on her own without him, or she pays for them both.

AnyMucca · 19/01/2023 17:52

Commission based environment - Poor bugger has probably got the ick himself and given up.

CuntyChopss · 19/01/2023 17:53

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents
But who is initiating these expensive things that people with minimal income can rarely afford to do? Paying for his parents was ridiculous yes but how did that conversation go? Did you just slap the cc down when the bill came or did he ask you before hand? Perhaps he is a more simple man who wouldn’t mind not going out for meals and making a modest living. Perhaps your used to making mega bucks and don’t want to slum it. Either way seems like you’re incompatible.

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/01/2023 17:53

snowlolo · 19/01/2023 17:44

My first thought is that it sounds like you are earning a very good salary. You have £125k+ income between the two of you, which is really not bad going by most standards although I can see the split is uneven.

Another thought I had was that if this was reveresed and you were male and your partner female, this would be really normal and no one would bat an eyelid at a man earning £100k and his partner £25k. So I guess it's quite a normal situation for a couple really, but just reversed genders.

However, you are obviously not comfortable with it and for the relationship to work, you both need to be comfortable with what you are each contributing.

It sounds like you want him to be on track to be earning more and as soon as someone says they've got "the ick" it's not really a good sign for a relationship. Do you respect him and want to be with him? If not then you have your answer.

i was thinking along these lines as well, reverse the genders and it would be pretty much expected for the man to pay for everything.

in most relationships if one person out earns the other on a 4:1 ratio I think the expectation would be the higher earner to pay more, but not tell the lower earner to go and get a better job, but accept them as they are.

Treacletoots · 19/01/2023 17:54

I wonder whether this is a bit of internalised unconscious misogyny that you expect a man to earn more or as much as you to find them attractive? Not a dig, just a ponder.

However, you can't help how you feel, and perhaps he just isn't good enough for you. I do get how the thought of being solely responsible for a family is also terrifying.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 19/01/2023 17:57

BadNomad · 19/01/2023 17:31

I don't get why you started a relationship with someone on a low wage if money is so important to you. Let him go work at his own pace, and you go find yourself a man on 100k instead. You're not being fair.

I agree with this. Your not being fair at all. The man works its not as if he spends all day sat on his arse. Not everyone wants to be a career person. His wage is perfectly average.

Dump him and let him find someone who likes him for him and not how much money he can pull in.

LadyLapsang · 19/01/2023 17:57

I think you should call it a day as you want different things and I don’t think it works to consider your partner a project. I would be more disappointed in your ex who is failing your DD, not just financially.

Bestcatmum · 19/01/2023 17:58

I cant respect a man who expects me to pay for everything. I dated people like this before. I expect them to pay their way. If necessary doing overtime to cover it. Its called sponging.
I won't even go there. What kind of man sponges off a single mum?

MishaBukvic · 19/01/2023 17:59

An 8 month relationship and clear incompatibility ? End it.

On a tangent , is this an example of when some mumsnetters suggest boyfriends shouldn't be introduced to children until at least a year ?
Your daughter has had her family break up , plus mum's new boyfriend on the scene all in the space of 14 months .

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/01/2023 17:59

This is entirely a mess of your own making.

You met at work. You have you have known roughly what his salary and work ethic were like at the outset.

Now you are with him, you are trying to change him. So he's good enough. If I was him I would feel awful & pressurised.

I would love to hear from some of the SAHMs or lower earning female partners here on how they would feel of their husband demand such "improvements".

Ragwort · 19/01/2023 18:00

If he's in a commission based role is he really putting the extra hours in to earn more commission ... or is he doing the minimum so that he can come round to your comfortable house, a home cooked meal and sex. You've only been together eight months and he's already got his feet under the table and enjoying holidays at your expense Shock. He must be in seventh heaven!

And, I hate to be that poster but is he sleeping over when your young DD is at home?

It doesn't sound like you've had much time as a single woman since your marriage broke up ... don't jump from one unsatisfactory relationship to another.

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 18:01

You are not compatible. I'd give him one last chance. Tell h you need to see him focusing more on his career and putting in the extra effort. Tell him a man who does minimum necessary to get by is not attractive to you.

toocold54 · 19/01/2023 18:02

You need to slow down.

You’ve only been together 8 months and you sound like you’re in each other’s pockets constantly.

I think it’s awful that you only saw yourself being with him if he was earning more - do you even like him?

Why can’t you support yourself?

You should not be paying for all of these things but you also should not have such an intense relationship so soon, especially with a child who only 6 months before had her dad living with her.

It sounds like you only got with him to get over your ex and he’s literally a replacement.

Cool it off a bit.
Stop paying for everything.
If you want a holiday with him then do it in his budget and go halves.
Have him stay over only once a week.

I think you need to learn to cope on your own mentally, physically and financially before you have such an intense relationship.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 19/01/2023 18:03

caringcarer · 19/01/2023 18:01

You are not compatible. I'd give him one last chance. Tell h you need to see him focusing more on his career and putting in the extra effort. Tell him a man who does minimum necessary to get by is not attractive to you.

No, what a wankery approach.

'I will only date you if you change yourself and put yourself under lots of pressure to earn more money than I do'

Stravaig · 19/01/2023 18:05

this is good advice but we wouldn't do anything... which is not how I want to spend my time.

Stop paying for him. Do cheap or free things when you are with him.
Do costly things with other people who match you financially.
See how the relationship develops, and if his work ethic and earning capacity improve.

Arguably, if he wants to be with you, he must be able to meet your quality of life. Alternatively, if you want to be with him, you must relinquish some of your activities and aspirations; or support him.

I salute your clear-sightedness, and ability to maintain discernment whilst in a relationship!

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/01/2023 18:06

Bestcatmum · 19/01/2023 17:58

I cant respect a man who expects me to pay for everything. I dated people like this before. I expect them to pay their way. If necessary doing overtime to cover it. Its called sponging.
I won't even go there. What kind of man sponges off a single mum?

So if the genders were reversed and the bloke earned £100k and the single mother earned £25k and bloke was paying for everything would you class the single mother as a sponger ?

theworldhas · 19/01/2023 18:06

Male headteacher on 110k with kid from previous marriage. Starts dating female teacher without kids who is only on 28k. Tells his new girlfriend early on that his he needs her to put in the extra work and get herself up the pay scale for them to work long term. In the meantime he finds himself paying for most of their foreign holidays and meals out - and even got the bill when they went for a meal with her parents! Anyway, this teacher - she’s a lovely person, kind, and absolutely great with his kid. But a year on and it seems she’s on cruise control, and still hasn’t bothered applying for any higher up positions. He’s starting to get the ick...

Twattergy · 19/01/2023 18:06

A combined salary of £125k is plenty not only to pay for a very good quality of day to day life for a family but also enough for you to put aside savings for your daughter tbh.
It's also not his job to provide for your daughter but you describe it as if he's taking money out of her pockets!
I've paid for dinners with my DHs parents before. It's what you do in a partnership if you have more disposable income than the other at that point in time.
Having said all this, you clearly are not comfortable with that kind of set up long term, which is fine too. So I don't think the relationship is going to work.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 19/01/2023 18:06

Why did you get into a relationship with someone who earns 25k if money is so important to you?

You've set him and the relationship up to fail from day one.

Weekenders · 19/01/2023 18:07

The pool of available men who'd be a good match for you is tiny. He isn't even close to it, so it isn't going to work.