Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

He doesn't have the ability to pay for a take away, unbelievable ha ha

If anything I am the more frugal one of the two of us.

Just an example, a child free afternoon between Christmas and new year. Went for lunch. I suggested Wagamama. He said no, he wanted to try this new upmarket fish restaurant. Managed to get a table, really excited. He went to the loo when they came over with the bill...

When I read your initial posts, I was just thinking, well, you're allowed to want what you want.

on reading this...I have been in his position i.e. seeing someone who earned a shitload more than me. It wasn't serious...but then one day, he talked to me about my career prospects and work ethic that made it clear we weren't compatible.

it's up to you who you date. If you find this off-putting, then break it off.

In my situation, I broke it off because I felt like he was going to nag me for lack of "achievement" and needed someone who would match his ambition and/or earning power.

the xmas present thing sounds worryingly immature though. He might well have ben attracted to your earning power but you will be aware of that.

Stop explaining yourself to idiots who are fine with spongers. Keep your money and stop paying for this man, he has no respect for you or your child. He has just made himself plausible enough for you to question yourself.

Cross post

this is a different scenario than your opening post, he's taking the piss.

I cannot believe your update about the text!! (Well, I can obv) but seriously what an effing user. You don't start a message with 'shall I grab us ...' - that is offering to pay - unless you're paying!
He replied not to bother cause you were skint!!

Why does he have to be as “successful” as you if he brings other things to the relationship?

There’s an inequality of earnings in my household but DP just isn’t interested in a high flying career. And to push him into one would either have broken us or made him very unhappy. It has meant I’ve been able to have my career and not have to shoulder everything to do with bringing up the kids. He could be there when I got stuck at the office. He does the lions share of the cooking.

Yes, sometimes it’s been irritating but when he took a chunk out of his pension he shared this as he said he recognised how much of the financial weight is on me.

Ok, fair enough. That isn’t the impression you gave from the OP. If your DP is on board with it that is slightly different. However, you have to be open to the possibility that his earning potential might not match yours and you can’t pressurise him to ‘work hard’ maybe he is doing all he can but it doesn’t meet your high expectations.

He ran to the loo ... fuck sake

Op, get rid please. He'll take advantage of you and teach your daughter she's a meal ticket for men too if she's successful in work. No

Of course he wants to go to more expensive places when you're paying!

Sorry I meant to quote this one in my earlier post. This was what the reply was to.

Yeah, you haven't RTFT either have you?

This guy actively suggests nice restaurants or activities for them to go to - & then sits back doing nothing more than "look uncomfortable" when the bill comes. He doesn't have to say "you must pay because I am sponging" in order to be recognised as a sponger.

Perhaps it's my fault, genuinely. Not long after we first got together a restaurant opened that we really wanted to try and he was upfront that he couldn't afford it, I offered to pay.

Since then it's literally been take, take, take.

No amount of love and kindness can mask this for me now.

Speak for yourself, not 50% of the entire population.
You certainly don't speak for me.

Oh get a life. I’m not an idiot at all. I see things differently to you, is that okay? I was replying to the opening post in which the OP came across differently to now. Bit of a drip feed. Now it seems he is taking the piss as opposed to OP being harsh with her expectations of him

To be fair, I think a lot of us cross posted with the really important updates, which change the earlier posts completely!

I don't think the issue is that he's not earning the same as you, because he could earn a lot less than you but still pay his way when you go out.

The issue is that he's a piss taker and a CF.

I'd send him another message saying that from now on you need to split costs because spare cash is tight. See what he says!

Better still, just dump him!!!!

That's exactly what he's doing.
Which you'd know if you'd bothered to read OP's updates, & would have saved you from calling her ill-deserved names.

You're right about it being on her to stop though.
I suspect if she does, he would cool off considerably.

I read your OP and thought I wasn't too sure so didn't answer, but reading your updates he is completely fleecing you.

You're right to hear alarm bells and you're right to get "the ick".

It's not about how much he earns AT ALL. It is the lack of ambition and willingness to depend on you like a free bank that would make me end it. For my daughter if nothing else.

The more I read the more the love and kindness on his part is likely to be fake

😂
Better than dating a woman who pays for every outing?
Better than a woman who, for 8 months, has tolerated you putting your hand in your pocket for precisely ONE lunch & ONE dinner?

Where do you think he is going to find such a paragon of naivete generosity?

Sounds like he’s doing a right number on you. Next!!

I’m very sorry I didn’t read the updates! Shoot me.

As a bloke I feel cringe and embarrassed over this man lol

I always pay for the food bill for my date anything else is embarrassing and humiliating.. perhaps I'm too old fashioned

Tupperware. I’d never have been able to snag him again. That would end a marriage or decades never mind a dating thing of 8 months.

You know it’s over, good decision.