Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

I'm a retired counsellor and therapist. I initially trained as a couples therapist so have a lot of experience in this field. IME the single biggest cause of friction in a relationship is differing attitudes to money. after that comes friction over parenting with infidelity and sex issues trailing a long way behind them both.

if this is bothering you 8 months into the relationship when you should still be in the honeymoon stage I doubt it will improve in 5 years or 10 years time.

if you believe he will change you can hang in there but you must have severe doubts about that or you wouldn't be asking the question.

Realistically it seems you can either change your own attitude and accept the financial responsibility of being the major earner (and I totally understand your reluctance to do that ) or you cut your losses and end this before you and your D.C. are even more emotionally invested than you are already.

Remember - you can't change other people.

I’m sorry, but not everyone is the same with regards to work ethic or even ability. You can’t just expect him to fit into your box. Are you the one suggesting you go places and do things together knowing he can’t afford it? If so, either you pay or you break up.

Maybe he needs a job that better suits his skills so he can earn more, not just ‘working harder’ to suit you.

Commission based work sounds hellish to me!

I do understand completely where you are coming from on the one hand, but on the other you come across shallow and demanding. It would drive me mad to have someone constantly going on about money.

Break up if it’s that important to you.

😂

Are you seriously suggesting OP opens a joint account with a man she's been dating just 8 months & doesn't live with?

A joint account she doesn't need, with a man who has form for taking her for a ride financially?

Giving him access to her money ... for what reason?

It would drive me mad to have someone constantly going on about money.

It would drive me mad if someone was permanently sponging off me. Is that what you do in relationships?

No, but she’s not saying he’s ‘sponging.’ She’s saying she pays for 99% of things, not that he asks her to. There’s a difference. If she doesn’t want to pay, she needs to stop doing so.

Would you also be in a relationship where you never offered to out your hand in your pocket to pay for anything? Including day to day food? Wow

When you say "we" did the shopping ... do you mean he was telling you what he wanted to order? And then sat back & let you pay for the lot?

I'm amazed you're still with him.

Women don't like outearning their male partners, full stop. As much as we might like to pretend this is about equality, the majority of women are very comfortable being outearned in their relationship (myself included) but when they're outearning their partner it's a turn off.

Where did I say this? People make things up as they go along on here.

She knew what he earned when they got together, if it doesn’t suit her, fine, break up. Don’t expect another Individual to live by certain standards. Not everyone is the same. That is all I’m saying.

Why?

He doesn't need "testing". He's already shown OP who he is.
Him paying for ONE takeaway (& ONE lunch & ONE dinner) in 8 months is as much as she needs to know.

I think it’s the other way round. I think your not the woman for him. He deserves better, from how you describe him.

I’ve only read your posts op and this might already have been picked up on, but I think you do yourself and other women a disservice when you call this “shallow”.

Being financially astute, and making hard headed relationship decisions are important. Too many women suffer abuse, and poverty because we are gaslighted by our culture into prioritising romance and feelings.

It is perfectly ok to have standards and boundaries - we don’t have to all share the same standards - the important thing is that we support each others’ right to have and defend our boundaries.

You said she was shallow for going on about money. It's nothing to do with how much money he earns, he never offers to pay for anything, where is his standards? You are saying it's ok for him to sponge off her basically. You may be ok with bottom of the barrel leeches but don't slag off others for not liking it!

Seriously? Sponging is only sponging if you ask?? 😆

No wonder so many women end up fucked over financially.

He earns 25k there’s no reason why he can’t pay his way.

We will be getting told he is doing her a favour next 😄

@OreganoOregano you don’t come across as materialistic at all actually. If you were your never have even started this relationship.

1. he’s not going to change. Ever.
2. you will resent this more & more
3. he’s not unmaterialistic - he’s lazy. He’s a cock lodger in waiting
4. he’s selfish and thoughtless. You can be skint and get someone a thoughtful gift.

get rid as a lover and don’t waste any more time on him. It’s not about the earnings - it’s his approach which would give me the huge ick too.

If he’s saying to her ‘’let’s go and do this’’ and expecting her to pay for it, that’s sponging. If she’s the one making the suggestions knowing he can’t afford it then that’s on her. I appreciate it might be frustrating but if she doesn’t want to it she should stop. It’s on her to stop.

Yet on the other hand you say she's shallow for mentioning money to him, make your mind up

They’re both going out and she’s paying. They’re going out to meals with his parents and she’s paying. Holidays, she’s paying. Do you get the picture?

You could meet a very rich arsehole

not everyone has the same work ethic as you OP. Some people are more career driven than others, neither is wrong or right, just different.

whilst I wouldn’t want to live in poverty I also wouldn’t want to spend my one and only life chasing a high payslip. Nobody at the end of their life looks back and is glad they spent all their time at work

i don’t think he’s a sponger. He doesn’t ask or expect you to pay. Just stop paying for everything and see what happens. Who suggests eating out as often as you do? I’m a SAHM now but before, we kinda just went with whoever suggested eating out would pay.

jf you’re unhappy about paying then just stop doing that. He isn’t a kind reader

I said she’s shallow to keep going on about it and pressuring him to earn more when he might not have the ability or desire to, and she knew his earnings when they got together and keeps nagging him. Just call it off.

No joke, I replied saying I can't afford it right now, I need to be careful with money.

(Had lots and lots to pay out this month, right after Christmas)

He said ok let's not bother, was just trying to help you out. I am BEYOND done with this.

I swear on my life @JudgeRinderonTinder I have not nagged him once. We had a very clear conversation (or series of conversations) before a relationship started and have had one conversation since.

If you'd RTFT before launching in with an erroenous judgement of OP, you'd know that he's not happy earning what he earns. Also that OP isn't so much bothered by his lower salary, but by his persistent freeloading.

He craves OP's £100k income & lifestyle, said he wanted to work hard to achieve it, but ... in 8 months, hasn't bothered to put any effort in.