Getting the “ick” over money

[OreganoOregano]

Named changed as I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this.

DP and I have been together around 8 months - were friends for around a year prior to being in a relationship. We met through work and clicked immediately. I had left exH 6 months prior to meeting him. I have a DD who is 3.5. ExH was financially abusive and contributes a minimal amount to her life.

I didn’t initially fancy DP - not my type on paper at all and genuinely saw us as friends but the more I got to know him, the more I found attractive. My main concern before getting together, which we discussed at length before anything happened, was money and finances. I am 10 years into my career, am senior management and a high earner. He retrained to move into his role and took a pay cut. He has the potential to be where I am in around 3-5 years. I told him that for us to realistically work long term, he needs to be earning more.

He is currently earning c£25k. I earn around 4 times that.

We both work in a commission based environment and he has the opportunity to earn good money fairly quickly but you do need to put in hours/graft to be successful.

Initially he was spurred on by me and was working harder to earn money and be successful however, the further into our relationship we get, he isn’t, IMO, doing what is necessary to be successful in this industry.

He has minimal disposal income and I’m naturally picking up the tab for 99% of things including paying for a holiday, paying for all meals out, he will always stay at mine. I’ve even paid for lunches out with his parents however noticing that his work ethic is dying off, I’m beginning to get the ick.

He is genuinely the loveliest, kindest person, is fantastic with my daughter, all my friends and family love him and I genuinely cannot rate him highly enough however I’ve worked really hard to come back from financial ruin after my ex and I need things to be 50:50 or at least on track to be.

We’ve had a conversation about this and he is in agreement with me/has vowed to do more and in his defence, is, but I cannot help feeling less attracted to him because of this.

What would you do in this situation? Head is saying end things. Heart is begging me to give him a chance.

*shag!

This man sees you as his golden goose laying golden eggs @OreganoOregano. Now you can see it plain as day it's time to push him out of your nest. You've borne this situation for long enough now and he's not going to change - why should he, when he's getting what he wants. Please don't get more involved with him: it will just get harder to extricate yourself. 🌹

To be honest it’s reasonable to end a relationship for whatever reason and you sound like you may be incompatible. But that said, you refer to you working all hours at your career - would two of you doing this be compatible with having another baby? And if he was a high earner and successful as well as kind, loving, all the other positive traits you’ve described, would he be interested in you?

Nah! sack him off.
Regardless of his earnings hes taking the absolute piss.
I would never take advantage of a person's wealth but would insist on activities etc that were not costly.
I think you need to either nip this in the bud now or call it a day.
I was in a similar situation with a male friend; I worked and he chose not to. He was great company for the most part but it came to a head when I realized he contributed nothing to our friendship.
A dinner would be served, lifts given but absolutely zero in return. No offer to wash up, help with petrol, return a favour.
I'm ashamed to say I suggested that we go for a curry and when the bill came I told him it was his turn.
Not heard a word since. ( 10 years ago)

I would probably put some distance between us, only do things that can be 50/50. Holiday without him if he can’t pay his way.

Problem is OP you're talking about how lovely and caring he is while he's planning which restaurant you are going to take him to next.
Paying for lunch with his parents and buying him expensive gifts...I'm sorry but he's taking you for a mug. Get rid of him. Living in the south plus a young child means you can't afford to "keep" him. Good luck.

Why on Earth have you been paying for him for this long?

This would give me the ick! It sounds like he is using you or taking you for granted.

I have been in a similar situation, although the difference between salaries wasn’t as large, and I had to end the relationship eventually. It was just assumed that I would pay for everything. Whilst I understood his financial situation, I felt taken for granted. I tried to help him better himself but he too wanted more money but didn’t want to work for it. Some people are driven and others just aren’t or expect things handed to them!

I hate to say it but it may be time to call it a day, or give him once last chance to see if he changes his ways!

She’s giving him access to her 3 year old daughter, that seems like more of a risk

I am absolutely aghast at the amount of people saying you’re materialistic, or being unreasonable. I actually don’t even think it’s about the amount that he’s earning, it’s the absolutely lack of drive and motivation which would also be a HUGE turn off for me, and the assumption that because you can afford it, you should. If he can’t afford a Chinese, don’t suggest it! If he was earning £25k in a job he absolutely adored and worked really hard in, you’d probably be happy to give him more time. Personally, I’d struggle to be in a relationship with someone on such a low salary as it significantly limits the potential for a comfortable life together. It’s not about being materialistic, it’s just asking for a partnership where both people can contribute, which currently he’s unable to do and seems oblivious to the fact that he’s evidently just sponging off you.

I didn't read his message as 'can you buy a chinese'OP

Couldn't he mean, shall I get one?

I understand why you have the ick. My dp doesn’t out earn me but he most likely will in future. That’s because he’s hard working and driven and in an industry where that’s likely. When I met him he was changing careers and earning very little but he was driven and enthusiastic and that’s what appealed to me. He also never expected me to pick up all the bills even though I earn more than him, things are fairly evenly split and OP I think that you have the ick because you feel like you’ve got another obligation rather than a partner.

You earn 100k while he's on 25k and begrudge buying groceries when he's round yours?! Were you raised to think the man should earn more and see him as less masculine because of it? It sounds like it.

You sound shallow and should let him dodge a bullet and break up with him. Hopefully he will find someone who values him for his personality.

Aw come on Loc - there is nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, you should feel proud of yourself.

we did an online shop - cheeses, nice meats, a few nice bottles of wine and he did not offer a penny.

You really are your own worst enemy you know......

WTF did you not say something during this online shop, as in "We're going halves on this you know"...

What a strange turn of phrase "access to her daughter" is.

Almost as if you believe that because he's a freeloading wannabee cocklodger, that he's also a safeguarding risk or child molester.

Hes taking the piss. He said all the right things at the beginning and now he’s showing you his true colours. He’s a lazy user with no ambition. 33 and living in a house share. I’m sure he’s very nice but he’s using you unfortunately. Lesson learned, at least you haven’t joined finances or married him.

Couldn't he mean, shall I get one?

At which point when the OP replied “no I can’t afford it” he’d would replied “this one’s on me”.

But he didn’t.

Once he knew the OP wasn’t paying, he said “let’s not bother”.

It’s all right there in the OP’s post that you quoted but obviously didn’t read.

Did you reply to his message op? I'd be calling him out on it all.

Not only fine with spongers, but probably spongers themselves. I hope you listen to all the people on your side, OP. You do not need an excuse to end a relationship that is not working for you, but you do have every excuse in the case of this repulsive man. I hope this takeaway incident is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

No. She begrudges paying for holidays meals out, activities, for his parents, for takeaways, wine, AND all the groceries whenever he's at hers.

While he has paid for one lunch & one dinner, in 8 whole months.

She also begrudges him suggesting he pick up a takeaway as a kindhearted favour to her, but changing his mind & cancelling the idea when OP said she couldn't afford to pay for it.

Wouldn't you?

To be fair if the sexes were reversed I think there would be some quite different responses.

Yet you’re the one who spent the first part of the thread being eloquent about how lovely, kind etc he was, how good he is with your daughter, how much your friends and family like him, and your ONLY issue was his failure to work towards equalling your income! When he’s clearly not ‘lovely’ at all — he’s tight-fisted (he surely has some disposable income from 25k? Enough to contribute to meals out from time to time, and to manage a better Christmas present than ill-fitting slippers and Tupperware?), lazy, unimaginative, selfish etc.

The mismatch in your incomes is far from being the sole, or even the main issue here. I think you’re letting your own obsession with his income cloud the other problems with this man. If he were as kind and lovely as you say, I’d be suggesting that giving a new boyfriend a five year plan/ultimatum before you even get together is nuts, but the fact is he’s not nice

i also don’t think you emerge from this smelling of roses either, OP — you appear to be festering inwardly while meekly paying for everything for months at a time. You say you were very upfront about money before the start of the relationship — why not when he vanishes to the loo and looks uncomfortable when a restaurant bill arrives?

Does he know about the previous financial abuse you faced with exh and perhaps sees you as an easy target as quite frankly the above is rude.. you can’t suggest a swish restaurant and conveniently disappear as bill arrives! And the message re Chinese this evening it’s unbelievable he didn’t then say no I meant I was going to treat you.

perhaps he just takes it for granted that you’ll offer to pay and wants to keep his money to spend on him

i think if I were you I would stop all the treats, if he stays at the weekends and you are going to be eating together maybe suggest going shopping together and splitting the bill. Same with restaurants, you just need to pull back on whipping your purse out…perhaps accidentally leave it at home and then make a big point of saying thank you it was so nice for you to treat me for a change!

Oh OP please bin him off, he's a freeloader. It's not about the £75k salary difference, it's the fact he's happy for you to pay for anything whilst not making any movement towards progression himself.