After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

How can you be 'in the dark' if you are doing the accounts? Something really dodgy going on here.

OP, firstly check your National Insurance record and also search for the business on Companies House. You will see if you are listed as a director or shareholder. If it's a limited though then this should be on the invoices that are sent out.

He could be paying you dividends as a shareholder rather than wages, but you should be paid a proper wage for your work.

Even if he said that you are paid a proper wage and he deducts money towards bills before paying you, then it should still all be declared gross, filed to HMRC and meet NMW. He should be paying pension for you if you meet that criteria (but directors can be exempt from auto enrolment).

None of us can advise fully unless we know the setup of the business but we are all trying to help you.

As it stands, you would be better off to go out to work full time and then all bills are split including food, utilities, childcare, child costs, family entertainment etc. They could be split 50/50 or in the ration that you earn. If he wants you to pay towards a mortgage then refuse unless you are put onto the deeds.

It does sound like he is controlling you though and need to protect yourself and the DC from now on and consider all of your options very carefully

OP I had a friend who worked like you do for her bloke's company doing all the admin, accounts answering the phone, dealing with customers face to face and was paid a pittance for tax purposes.
Difference between you and her is she could use petty cash for whatever she needed and was not kept poor but he always had new cars and she had awful second hand rubbish motors.
She ended up getting married.

I agree, gather as much evidence as possible. It sounds like modern slavery.

I am going to find all that out now obv.

Is this the first time you have ever really stood up to him and refused to do something OP? Is this the change?

I think on CH I am noted as company secretary

Then you are also liable to prosecution for fraud if the books aren't correct.

Sort yourself out!

I think its so easy to plod along and accept things as they are.
OP is clearly shocked to hear the situation she lives in is actually abuse so I think people need to go easy.

I bet from the outside this family has it all, family business, nice cars, nice home , lovely holidays. No one would assume or guess that the husband is abusive.

It's probably been spun to OP that as all the living expenses- groceries, bills are taken care of by him that OP should be grateful for the pittance she is given.
I would bet he's done the paperwork side so it all is ok how he is paying her.

It's clear that he is asking her to do something she isn't comfortable with so is telling her to get a job and pay half of the bills if she won't do the task to pressure her into doing whatever the task is and to settle back down. Another sign of the abuse.

Please speak to womens aid when safe to do so and also try and find out all the details as to what your role on paper actually is in this business. PPs have posted some links for you.
Good luck

also, if you have an accountant, then they should be able to confirm various things to you, if you are listed as a director

I really do appreciate all your help. I will revert back with set up details once I find out.

This is mental, you do realise if he's not been paying national insurance for you, you won't have a state pension so if you split up you have no job, no house, no pension when elderly. I really hope this isn't real.

Jesus Christ on a pink bike how can you not see that not one bit of this is right? Talk about a boiling frog! I'm speechless. Not only is it immoral it's illegal. Do you get payslips?

I do the accounts as in invoices etc. We have a qualified accountant that actually files the accounts. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

OP, do any of your friends/family know about your financial set up? If so, has no one ever mentioned that it's hugely unbalanced?

Your pay is below the NI threshold and as such it’s very unlikely you’ve been paying NI.

you need to check your NI record urgently as this can have serious implications regarding your future eligibility for state pension and some benefits.

I am sorry this is happening to you but you must take some action to change this otherwise the consequences could be dire.

Oh op, this is really, reallybad, you are so utterly vulnerable.

Deeds. Mortgage doesn’t matter. Do you have any money you can use for a lawyer?

Unfortunately it doesn’t sounds like you’re in any position to give ultimatums at the moment. You need to take control of your finances. Not just if you were to break up, but also if he were to die.

Are you HAPPY in this relationship, @Nina55 ? It's hard to see how you could be and even harder to imagine it's just in fiscal matters that your partner is an abusive arse.

Listen carefully OP - do not discuss any of this with him. Keep your cards very very close to your chest right now.

I would turn around and say pay me £1600 a month and then we can go halves on everything. And just do the job you don’t want to do.

100%

You are absolutely right!! I will speak to someone. Thank you for being so kind.

This is horrific. It's basically slave labour. Is he abusive in other ways? As in, controlling, threatening, manipulative? Because I cannot fathom why you'd ever have agreed to this setup and not asked questions before now unless you felt afraid of challenging him (which I assume is the case). You really, really need to get a properly paid full time job and leave him because as everyone else has said, you aren't entitled to anything. For reference, I can easily make £1600 a week or more doing SEO content. He is not paying you anywhere near enough.

I can believe it. Op has acted as though they are a family unit and has been working for family business. So had all living expenses covered for her and the children and bit of personal spending pin money from business.
But it appears all assets like the house and business are in his name.
Married then his assets would be considered in any divorce. Not married it’s totally different, would not usually be entitled to a share of his assets unless for example you can prove you have a beneficial interest in house.
You will need to get hold of paperwork, check your employment status and urgently seek specialist legal advice.
Even if you don’t split it’s precarious if he dies, you need to ensure you are protected.

Put him in the bin