After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

You really need to speak to someone like Women's Aid.

You are in a very vulnerable position with your home and the lack of rights.

You could also be in a very vulnerable position given your named role as Company Secretary.

You must speak to someone like WA and get proper help and advice to prevent him trapping you further. People on here are wonderfully helpful, but you need proper advice and help.

He doesn't seem to want to be transparent with the expenses. He doesn't want her to see bills or to have her name on them. He didn't expect her to actually consider getting a job outside of his business it was a threat to make her do work for him she's not comfortable doing. She works full time for peanuts I think a pp worked it out as around £1.60 an hour and has never received a payslip or p60 (whilst he's charging clients £80 an hour for her services) and she does all cooking, cleaning and childcare. She has no company pension, no claim on the property, no savings.

If she stops working for him and earns minimum wage it will be far higher than she's getting now and will be a step towards independence. It doesn't sound like he wants that. Whether he calls it rent or a share of the expenses their should be transparency between long term partners raising kids together.

Do you have any friends or family, anywhere to go? I can’t believe this man. I really feel for you. I also get the impression part of you thought it was ok??

If you are a director you don’t have to receive minimum wage.
If you own shares in the business then you are likely to be receiving dividends. These are declared to HMRC each year for tax purposes. They should be paid into an account you can access. It’s not meant to be a way for him to dodge tax but keep the dividends.
Alternatively he is paying himself a wage and the dividends (taken from net profit) are small.

You need to obtain your last 6 years SA302s and tax year overviews directly from HMRC slit with your tax return submissions. You can call them via their help line and ask them to be posted to your house (assuming that is safe). Alternatively you will have to ask if they can post them to a friend. tell hmrc your solicitor will need them as you are subject to domestic abuse - the hmrc should have a policy in place.

He will be getting jittery because of the questions you are asking (if he is money orientated) so DO NOT sign anything.

Along not slit

You need a specialist tax advisor/lawyer.
First step is to see full accounts - the ones on companies house won’t have the detail that you need. Presumably he used an accounting firm? They will have the records.

full accounts will show the dividends (you should have had half of these) and also the salaries paid. You can also get your salary data from HMRC because he has been submitting P60 reports each year.
This will show how much money he has stolen from you over the years. That - at the very least - you should be able
to sue him for. It will be sizeable I imagine - 30k, say x 22 years…

OP has already clearly stated that her share class is different from that of her partner and does not entitle her to either a share in the given profit of any year, or a similar dividend payout to her partner. In addition her share class does not entitle her to any assets in the company.

Assuming no signatures were faked at any time then this is all perfectly legal. Her partner has willfully and knowingly deprived her of any part of the company and unfortunately she agreed to this.

It may be that a solicitor could find some loophole and it is certainly worth looking into.

What may however be worth pursuing is the possible criminal act of financial coercive control. Woman's Aid would be the best route to finding a lawyer who could look into this, particularly as OP has no access to finances.

Op has also indicated the accountants are his friends. She needs info but shouldn’t put herself at risk. It’s not a scenario where she can just email accountants without causing suspicion.

THIS!

This summary is perfect. PPs suggesting this is some kind of normal situation where OP is simply being asked to contribute to the household expenses/bills are way off.

How do you pay for food, etc? Do you have any way of getting extra cash, for example by getting cash back when you grocery shop? Can you squirrel this away in your own account?

Just popping in. It's become very clear he doesn't want me to find another job and the payment of rent was something he just said for me to change my mind. I tried to discuss it and even agreeing to paying half of the bills but I got a clear sense of it. He gets saying I couldn't handle the stress and still expecting me to do all the housework etc. I didn't really push it further. I did found out some more info finance wise but I need help with that. I am worried if I start to enquire he will find out and these days everything is recorded. Will keep you all in the loop. But also wanted to thank each and every one of you who took the time to help. Thank you!!

Please do speak to women’s aid @Nina55

They understand the risk of getting help with things are well placed to help you find safe advice

The payment of rent was said to intimidate you OP. To intimidate you. I hope you take him to the cleaners eventually and find a life that brings nothing but happiness which you deserve after a 22 year 'stretch' with him.

Please be careful @Nina55 - abusive men are at their worst when you try to leave.

Just when you think they could t get much worse, they frequently do.

Be very wary. He has shown his true colours and your financial situation remains incredibly precarious. You should continue to investigate what on earth has been going on. Wishing you strength,

You need to start preping to leave him.

He's abusive.
And he's not a good father because he is abusive the mother of the children. That's literally the worst father any child could have.

Start looking into what you are entitled to benefits wise if you leave him. Also, could you sell your skills freelance in any way? Didn't you say he charged someone 80 quid for an hour of your time!?

Make sure you have your own bank account he has no access too. Start saving. Speak with women's aid. Get out.

Yes as pp have said he very careful in letting him know anything about you leaving and do not sign anything.

OP it's abundantly clear he just wants what's convenient for him.

No thought to what's best for you, after 22 years of servicing his needs.

He's treating you like a servant. And given the pittance he pays you, more like a slave.

OP he’s backing off now because you are showing signs of waking up to his financial abuse and exploitation of you plus his likely tax evasion. You need to talk to a lawyer - a good family lawyer would be a good idea but make sure it’s someone who understands the financial background and can investigate. As pp have suggested you could look at what your own history of paying tax is - nothing, something, how much?

Keep investigating and make sure you get the money you’ve earned back paid to you.

Then get a new job and leave him.

He’s panicking now. He’s realised you’re no longer a doormat