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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

345 replies

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 13:49

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 16:52

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2023 16:28

He’s not going to add Op to deeds. Op says he’s very clear at reminding her it’s his house, his bedroom.
This isn’t some oversight it’s deliberate.
I’d definitely want to know your legal status with company. There’s a post where Op thinks she ‘might’ be Company Secretary. Obviously this carries legal implications. If there has been any financial shenanigans with the Company Op needs to be clear re her role. At the minute people are assuming she’s an employee but she might be a director receiving a dividend.

Show quote history

Comp. House has me down as company secretary i checked. I know he will never add me to the deeds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 16:56

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2023 16:32

I’m not usually dramatic but I’m getting a really horrible vibe on this one. Please be careful Op re using joint computers to search for info or looking for documents. If husband looks for something it often pops up as an ad on my Facebook (something to do with ip address) Op mentions the accountants are his friends. Please tell your mum or trusted friend your concerns.

Thank you. I am being very careful, constantly deleting my browser history.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 17:00

euff · 18/01/2023 16:40

Yes it's good that there are 22 years of NI contributions. 2 years contributions from working outside his home and business and then there may be credits from child benefit from the 2 DC who are under 16. So the other years at least definitely raise a question mark as to how enough NI contributions were paid even though OP has been paid a pittance.

Also he doesn't want OP names on and contributing towards the bills. Op doesn't know what they cost and what her share would be. He wants her to pay rent to him when mortgage free and will probably make up a figure on what? Market rate so he can make a profit and keep OP down. Closer to to a serf than a wife.

OP aside from the things you've detailed how is he as a father and husband? What's he like when you are I'll? Did he ever help with the kids?

Show quote history

He has always been a very good dad. As a partner he definitely has a controlling side but until now everything was just fine (I guess because I have never said no before).

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 17:05

MsLilac · 18/01/2023 16:48

Apologies if someone else has mentioned this but if you are looking for a new job then you'd need to provide two recent references when you apply, and they are usually contacted if you are successfully appointed. You are in a tricky situation as you'd need your partner to be your main reference as you have worked for him for 20 years - is that correct?
Are you in contact with the clients you have done with for. Could they provide a reference for you?

I doubt I will get a reference from him. I have some kind friends who I have done some work for free of charge to help out. So they might.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 18/01/2023 17:06

You dont need a different job,you need to be paid a decent wage for the fulltime job your doing for him,and what he hasnt paid you i think more than covers your half of the bills.This man is a prick......x

Daftapath · 18/01/2023 17:17

Do you have your own bank account that is private from him?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/01/2023 17:18

OP I have watched this thread with interest combined with horror at the way this man regards you. I hope you get the right advice and find a way of getting what is rightfully yours. I also hope you manage to get yourself and your children away from him for ever.
I feel so impotent reading it. It has made me sad. I wish only the best for you even though I don't know you. Modern day slavery is what comes to mind when I read your responses.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 17:20

Nina55 · 18/01/2023 16:52

Comp. House has me down as company secretary i checked. I know he will never add me to the deeds.

Show quote history

That means you have legal responsibilities…

I expect you’ll find that your cheques have been dividends -giving you cheque is cleverly manipulative as he’ll say you knew you were and that’s why you cashed the dividend cheque…

You need to deal with this very carefully as you have no idea what your name is on.
You also need to make sure you know exactly what legal responsibilities that gives you before he starts making threats to do things to get you in bother (I’ll eat my hat if he doesn’t start down that road…)

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 17:22

He wants her to pay rent to him when mortgage free and will probably make up a figure on what? Market rate so he can make a profit and keep OP down. Closer to to a serf than a wife.

He doesn’t want her to pay rent. He wants to bully her into maintaining the status quo…

There is no way this man is going to stand by and allow the op to get a job out of the home and build a life for herself that’s independent of him.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2023 17:25

If you are Company Secretary it carries legal responsibilities. You would be responsible for filing accounts at companies house etc. Obviously you know if you have possibly signed paperwork eg sign here for accountants and not read it or if it’s all forged.
You definitely need some proper legal advice re company.
It could well be that Op as Company secretary has signed off on her being paid a small dividend twice a year.

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 17:30

You have proof of his slave wages.

His accountant friend must know you are being abused.

Can you assemble any invoices or proof of the work you have been doing.

You need copies of any information you can assemble.

Any bank accounts, the name of his banks, pension information.

Everything you can assemble will help you.

Email copies to a new email address.

Can you put new passwords on all the work systems so he is rightly screwed when you make a move?

Do his clients know that they have been paying for work from an abused woman who has been paid £1.60 an hour for the work they have received?

You have more power here than you know.

Assemble a list of his clients and suppliers.

The more knowledge you have, the more dangerous you are.

How do you think his reputation will be if this comes out and that his accountant was a party to your abuse?

Who are his competitors?

Assemble a portfolio of your work over the years.

This should help you secure work.

This is so shocking.

You are not going to force him to put you on the deeds, but you may get him for unpaid wages for years and the threat of going after the business and his reputation.

The papers would love a story like this, believe me.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2023 17:33

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 17:20

That means you have legal responsibilities…

I expect you’ll find that your cheques have been dividends -giving you cheque is cleverly manipulative as he’ll say you knew you were and that’s why you cashed the dividend cheque…

You need to deal with this very carefully as you have no idea what your name is on.
You also need to make sure you know exactly what legal responsibilities that gives you before he starts making threats to do things to get you in bother (I’ll eat my hat if he doesn’t start down that road…)

Show quote history

Op needs to be properly advised. If there’s any financial or tax irregularities she’s the one who has the legal responsibilities.
There’s a reason you not him are Company Secretary.

Dixiechickonhols · 18/01/2023 17:34

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 18/01/2023 17:20

That means you have legal responsibilities…

I expect you’ll find that your cheques have been dividends -giving you cheque is cleverly manipulative as he’ll say you knew you were and that’s why you cashed the dividend cheque…

You need to deal with this very carefully as you have no idea what your name is on.
You also need to make sure you know exactly what legal responsibilities that gives you before he starts making threats to do things to get you in bother (I’ll eat my hat if he doesn’t start down that road…)

Show quote history

Sorry reason for quoting was to say I agree fully with you. Blackmail is probably next step to get Op to toe line.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/01/2023 18:32

Nina55 · 18/01/2023 15:36

It seems a later document of an emergency meeting regarding the shares took place (it lists the location and I never been there for sure) it then lists my shares as B shares. Says non voting, no fixed dividend and no right to assets when the company stops to exist. This document was only signed by him. It's all very mind boggling.

Then you need professional advice. Do you have access to money to pay for it though?

Isme1908 · 18/01/2023 19:02

Yes I completely agree!

Lwveeee213 · 18/01/2023 20:20

omg he is seriously taking the piss out of you!!

SandyY2K · 18/01/2023 23:36

Upside is, job wise, I needed I speak several additional European languages.

That's great.

You can get translation and interpreter work with this linguistic skills.

Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 23:46

Daftapath · 18/01/2023 17:17

Do you have your own bank account that is private from him?

Yes I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 23:49

KettrickenSmiled · 18/01/2023 18:32

Then you need professional advice. Do you have access to money to pay for it though?

Show quote history

I doubt I do. I did read a Ltd director has to act in the best interest of the company and not just himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nina55 · 18/01/2023 23:51

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 18/01/2023 17:18

OP I have watched this thread with interest combined with horror at the way this man regards you. I hope you get the right advice and find a way of getting what is rightfully yours. I also hope you manage to get yourself and your children away from him for ever.
I feel so impotent reading it. It has made me sad. I wish only the best for you even though I don't know you. Modern day slavery is what comes to mind when I read your responses.

Thank you for you kind message and sorry it made you sad.

OP posts:
tappinginto2023 · 18/01/2023 23:58

You need legal advice. It sounds as if you own half of his (your shared) business. But as he has all the control you need to be very careful otherwise he could de-fraud you do easily.

I'm sorry you have realised how you have been treated, you sound amazing, so talented and you have your Mums support which is great. Your DH sounds a monster, please be careful.

emptythelitterbox · 19/01/2023 00:15

Isme1908 · 18/01/2023 15:46

Ok that makes sense now- so he owns the house outright with no mortgage- thanks for clearing that up.

I’d tell him no to the rent unless he is willing to add you onto the deeds for the house, but you should contribute to the bills if you get another job.

Good luck - hope you can get all this sorted.

She's given him 20 years of free labour for both his business and for his children.

If anything, he owes her thousands in back wages!

emptythelitterbox · 19/01/2023 00:23

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 17:30

You have proof of his slave wages.

His accountant friend must know you are being abused.

Can you assemble any invoices or proof of the work you have been doing.

You need copies of any information you can assemble.

Any bank accounts, the name of his banks, pension information.

Everything you can assemble will help you.

Email copies to a new email address.

Can you put new passwords on all the work systems so he is rightly screwed when you make a move?

Do his clients know that they have been paying for work from an abused woman who has been paid £1.60 an hour for the work they have received?

You have more power here than you know.

Assemble a list of his clients and suppliers.

The more knowledge you have, the more dangerous you are.

How do you think his reputation will be if this comes out and that his accountant was a party to your abuse?

Who are his competitors?

Assemble a portfolio of your work over the years.

This should help you secure work.

This is so shocking.

You are not going to force him to put you on the deeds, but you may get him for unpaid wages for years and the threat of going after the business and his reputation.

The papers would love a story like this, believe me.

So much this!

Mari9999 · 19/01/2023 00:39

OP, are you objecting to the term " rent" ? Would you be more amenable to him calling it your "share " of monthly expenses?

If you plan to work outside of his business (and that may be a good idea), why not include cost for a cleaning service in the family expenses. Each of you could pay half. That would remove some tasks from your plate and both of you would be contributing.

If you want to know what his real plans and expectations are, tell him that you have decided that you would like to get married. His response to that statement will give your more insight into his position and perspective than you will gain by playing sleuth.

AhNowTed · 19/01/2023 00:48

To recap the OP’s situation

22 years and children later:
It’s still HIS house
She has NO security

The OP has done all childcare, full time when the kids were small, and then worked for his company (for virtually nothing)
PLUS -
Kids sick- OP
Inset days-OP
Any other reason why kids need to be off- OP
Drop offs- OP
Pick ups- OP

All fine and dandy for 22 years.
No load on him whatsoever, cheap cook and childminder for (checks notes) £66 a week full time, with housework, childcare and sex thrown in.

Lo and behold apparently she needs to start “paying her way” and he wants Rent (actual fucking Rent).

He could throw her out tomorrow and she has literally nothing.

OP I really hope you’re taking in your precarious situation and what an utter calculating prick your so-called partner is.

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