After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

I am not sure what I expected.... but not this. I party feel bad for writing it now because I am fairly intelligent but feel foolish now.

Sorry OP but this makes me want to scream

I was about to start a rant on how incompetence is rife at the mo - had some big frustrations with freelance clients today - they are unsure of some legalities and are giving me conflicting info than what their legal adviser is giving me.

to find that someone thinks they might be a named director in the form of Company Secretary, isn't sure, but signs stuff every year, just makes me want to start rocking in a corner and give up!

you might own half the company in shares and not even know!

If there are any gaps in your National insurance contributions, you can make voluntary payments to fill any gaps in your NI record if you need to. You can do the last 6 years as standard, and exceptionally, 'if you are born after 5 April 1953, you have until 5 April 2023 to pay voluntary contributions to make up for gaps between tax years April 2006 and April 2016 if you’re eligible'. That last bit is from the govt website.

If you find there are any gaps, it might be worth asking your Mum if she would lend you the money (if you can't get it out of your husband) to make your contributions.

You need to do as much as you can to help qualify for the state pension.

Apparently not.

This is unbelievable.

Don't feel stupid, OP, these things happen gradually, but for God's sake do something about it now. You can't stay like this.

Yes. First time. He's not happy I said no but it's out of my remit and would require a lot of time extra on top of my current work.

He has been paying her in kind by giving her an expense free life for 20 years. Honestly I don't know if that is really such a bad deal. If she adds up how much she is owed if paid a salary and then debits from that 50% of all expenses over 20 years, she may not have much left over anyways.

A lot of people who work are still short on cash because the money they make goes to expenses.

I think it is fair to say you should be paid going forward (as I assume you had agreed up to now to the current work for minimal cash and all expenses paid plan) and then you pay 50% of the expenses. That is how adult life works. There are financial responsiblities and no reason he should pay more for them than you do. But in that case, you need to revisit your current arrangement and either find a new paying full time job or agree to switch from in kind pay with him to salary.

I will find out.

empathy bypass alert...

Don't feel bad, please don't; use this great advice to find out what's going on and protect yourself, and get the proper help you may need.

Are you happy together, do you want to stay with him? How do you think he will respond to you sitting him down and asking for a proper salary and contract?

What will he do if you withdraw your work efforts from him, how will he cover them?

Good luck, sounds like you're in a pretty tricky situation at the moment.

Will do. Thank you.

This. You need legal advice pdq. He’s left you terribly exposed and he’s not properly paid you, which is illegal.

Thank you.

It’s highly unlikely that half of living expenses amounts to 40 odd grand a year, come off it.

He has been paying her in kind by giving her an expense free life for 20 years.

He already has the house, he lives there too, they're a family with kids together, and the only reason he can carry out this act of great generosity is because he's not bloody paying her for working for him! Or giving her any financial commitment or rights to the house. He could kick her out tomorrow, you think he doesn't know that?

What is this? Slavery is OK if you "pay them in kind" by providing accommodation for your slaves?

This is the first time I told anyone.

OP I can help with the company legals, pm if you would like

Thank you. This is very helpful.

Can I just say - as kind as this offer likely is please be careful @Nina55 of giving too much information to anyone online

Your relationship sounds highly controlled and abusive and it wouldn’t be unheard of for an abusive partner to track, or even keylog, online activity.

please get proper impartial and safe advise from the likes of women’s aid

Thank you kindly for the offer, i really appreciate it. I need a moment to digest this first if that's OK.

You have my every sympathy.

He has done you a massive favour by allowing his facade of protector and provider to slip.

I sincerely hope that whoever you turn to for help IRL can ease you into understanding that his treatment of you has very likely crossed into criminality and that, without too much more time passing, you are able to speak to the police about it.

I assume you don’t have funds to be able to access a solicitor? I hope someone will be along shortly to say if, following a complaint of domestic abuse, you might be entitled to legal aid.

I know this must sound like mad shit! Last week you had a normal life. This week you’re questioning whether you’ve been the victim of slavery/abuse. With nothing more to trigger it than a disagreement that he’s downplaying. He will gaslight you constantly about how you’re making something out of nothing. He may not even consciously realise what he’s been doing! But whether conscious or subconscious I can’t see how this arrangement wasn’t designed to control you.

My mouth is agape. I am staggered by this. OP, I am so sorry.

FWIW, I know how unfortunately and scarily easy it can be to get taken in by something like this. I had a situation in recent years where I gradually began to realise the way I was being treated and the structure of the business I was involved with wasn't right. It was a horrible realisation and I, too, felt stupid and embarrassed. I'm an intelligent person, but the boiling frog phenomenon is real, and especially over a long period of time with life going on, distractions, family life, etc., I can totally see how even this flabbergasting situation can become the norm.

OP, you've had some great advice on here. Don't worry too much right now about trying to wrap your head around the legalities of your employment/business position (although this is important); you are likely to be all of a muddle and overwhelmed. Seek advice from some of the organisations you've been signposted to here, and let them guide you.

This is a horrendous situation. Your DP has basically been getting away with paying you pennies for what would be a decently paid role if he employed someone else (and what he should be paying you). He's been getting work for FREE (I refuse to count 1,600 every six months as a wage at all). So never mind whether he pays all the bills, etc. So he bloody well should, you're not only managing the household and working, you're providing work for HIS BUSINESS! The absolute bastard.

Please keep us updated if it is safe for you to do so.

Look after yourself OP. 💐

Thank you. I agree. I will just start by reading up, checking NI, company set up. Our accounts is his friend so that's not an option.

*accountant

It’s unlikely to be the only criminal aspect of his whole business so tread carefully.

Firstly, well done for reaching out.

I'm sorry if you feel that we have been harsh (myself included) but I think that's because we can't believe you have been treated like a doormat for 22 years and not every questioned it.

But you have now.

Do you have access to any family money or is it all in his name? You really need some legal advice but should be able to get half an hour free before engaging anyone.

Do you have anyone to look after the kids while you do this?

And you really need to tell someone in real life what's been going on. Be it a friend or a family member. They will want to support you as much as we do.

And keep posting if it's helping. And DO NOT tell your husband about this thread or your plans. Your safety is the priority.

Again, I'm sorry that some of the posts have upset or shocked you. But this is not an acceptable relationship or way to live. For you or your children.