Page 10 | After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

Nina55 · 2023-01-16T13:49:37+00:00

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally. We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs. Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me. He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company. I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right? Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting … You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this. What should I do?

iamenough2023 · 16/01/2023 19:07

@musingsinmidlife most definitely changed his name to @Missanimosity so that appears that there are more of them. I do not know what people like this do on MN anyway.

musingsinmidlife · 16/01/2023 19:19

iamenough2023 · 16/01/2023 19:07

@musingsinmidlife most definitely changed his name to @Missanimosity so that appears that there are more of them. I do not know what people like this do on MN anyway.

No I didn't. I just stopped responding as I am not a fan of when people belabour their opinion to the point of destroying a thread. I voiced my opinion, responded to a few posts that responded to me and then went back to reading.

And I am a woman.

iamenough2023 · 16/01/2023 19:35

I know that this seems unbelievable for some people but I am afraid is quite common. When we partner with someone in a marriage or a marriage like relationship we base it on trust and believe that the person has our best interest in heart. It simply feels wrong to doubt that. So, we keep going on, not asking questions, not checking facts, not making requests. The truth is, this is mostly women, as we are carers and most often are the ones keeping house, and taking care of children while men are taking care of “business”. The more time goes by it gets harder and harder to ask those questions as it feels like betrayal. The truth is, we have to start changing the way we look at relationships. Love and care on a side, but when entering into relationships we have to make sure that we are safe and secure. There should be conversations, discussions, agreements, so that everyone is on the same page; there has to be transparency. I was in a similar situation myself were my partner was controlling finances (although I worked full time too). All the money was going to one pot, but he was the one managing it and I had no idea how much money we had, what our bills were, and he would not allow me to participate in decision making at all. It now feels unbelievable to me that I was so naive, but I was. It took me a lot of courage to take back control and he definitely was very defensive and angry when I finally did.

OP I am very sorry this is happening to you and I understand that the comments may feel harsh but we are on your side. It is very important that you take control of your life as soon as possible. Write down all these questions and sit down with your partner to talk. Also, if at all possible, do get a lawyer and try to get some answers about your position right now in case your partner leaves you. I do not know you and your circumstances but I have a feeling that he may be thinking of leaving you, as it is very strange that he is asking to change the arrangements now after more then two decades.

Take care.💕

Isme1908 · 16/01/2023 20:38

I would also add I think he is completely trying to call your bluff by suggesting you get a new job and pay half the bills, he’s spat out the dummy because you’ve told him no over the client. The current situation suits him far too much for this and if you did get a new job it would be a massive hassle for him in so many ways. He’s trying to manipulate you to get his own way. This is a problem “when working for family”. He can get away with things a regular employer couldn’t because of the emotions involved and he knows this fine well.

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 20:39

musingsinmidlife · 16/01/2023 19:19

No I didn't. I just stopped responding as I am not a fan of when people belabour their opinion to the point of destroying a thread. I voiced my opinion, responded to a few posts that responded to me and then went back to reading.

And I am a woman.

Show quote history

Same here!

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 01:44

iamenough2023 · 16/01/2023 19:35

I know that this seems unbelievable for some people but I am afraid is quite common. When we partner with someone in a marriage or a marriage like relationship we base it on trust and believe that the person has our best interest in heart. It simply feels wrong to doubt that. So, we keep going on, not asking questions, not checking facts, not making requests. The truth is, this is mostly women, as we are carers and most often are the ones keeping house, and taking care of children while men are taking care of “business”. The more time goes by it gets harder and harder to ask those questions as it feels like betrayal. The truth is, we have to start changing the way we look at relationships. Love and care on a side, but when entering into relationships we have to make sure that we are safe and secure. There should be conversations, discussions, agreements, so that everyone is on the same page; there has to be transparency. I was in a similar situation myself were my partner was controlling finances (although I worked full time too). All the money was going to one pot, but he was the one managing it and I had no idea how much money we had, what our bills were, and he would not allow me to participate in decision making at all. It now feels unbelievable to me that I was so naive, but I was. It took me a lot of courage to take back control and he definitely was very defensive and angry when I finally did.

OP I am very sorry this is happening to you and I understand that the comments may feel harsh but we are on your side. It is very important that you take control of your life as soon as possible. Write down all these questions and sit down with your partner to talk. Also, if at all possible, do get a lawyer and try to get some answers about your position right now in case your partner leaves you. I do not know you and your circumstances but I have a feeling that he may be thinking of leaving you, as it is very strange that he is asking to change the arrangements now after more then two decades.

Take care.💕

Thank you and you are correct in so many ways. Needless to say, I am unable to close my eyes tonight so just having a late cup of tea. Putting my thoughts in order.

OP posts:

Poppyblush · 17/01/2023 03:20

Contact ACAS as this is so irregular. He’s not paying you NMW. Are you in a pension? He’s screwed you over.

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 04:00

Are you and your DP from different backgrounds?

I've heard of situations where a relative was brought to a western country and was pretty much a slave.

Your skills are worth a lot.
Not sure what country you are in but you can plug in your skills into a job board and you'll see your skills are quite valuable.

You are probably entitled to part of the company but you'd have to get legal advice.

ticketstub · 17/01/2023 10:07

It sounds like an awful situation and I hope the advice on this thread can help you.

This is meant kindly but you mention that you claim child benefit. I've included a link below as it may be worth checking if the family was entitled to the money based on the information about income below.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:22

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 04:00

Are you and your DP from different backgrounds?

I've heard of situations where a relative was brought to a western country and was pretty much a slave.

Your skills are worth a lot.
Not sure what country you are in but you can plug in your skills into a job board and you'll see your skills are quite valuable.

You are probably entitled to part of the company but you'd have to get legal advice.

Yes slightly different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:23

ticketstub · 17/01/2023 10:07

It sounds like an awful situation and I hope the advice on this thread can help you.

This is meant kindly but you mention that you claim child benefit. I've included a link below as it may be worth checking if the family was entitled to the money based on the information about income below.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

That's very kind of you and much appreciated I will check it out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:25

This morning I completed step 1 and I have 22 years of full contributions. So I guess that's a positive start.

OP posts:

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 10:32

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:25

This morning I completed step 1 and I have 22 years of full contributions. So I guess that's a positive start.

Well done.

euff · 17/01/2023 10:41

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:25

This morning I completed step 1 and I have 22 years of full contributions. So I guess that's a positive start.

That must be a relief.

billy1966 · 17/01/2023 10:44

OP, you are the definition of a financially abused women and the victim of Coercive control.

He is committing a crime.

Great advice here.

Get all the paperwork you can together and call Womens aid for advice.

Call ACAS too.

You are working full-time for pennies for a controlling abusive man.

Ask for advice and help.

This is a very bad man.

You could walk into a police station and ask for advice on reporting Coercive control.

This is slave labour IMO.

Work out your hourly rate.
This is a crime.

No doubt he is making serious money off your work.

Pansypotter123 · 17/01/2023 11:32

Please can you tell us some more about your different backgrounds if you feel able?

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 11:51

Pansypotter123 · 17/01/2023 11:32

Please can you tell us some more about your different backgrounds if you feel able?

Although I am English now. I originally came from another European country reasonable close. My English wasn't great so I guess that didn't really help me at first. Upside is, job wise, I needed I speak several additional European languages.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 11:52

if needed

OP posts:

L0bstersLass · 17/01/2023 12:04

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 10:25

This morning I completed step 1 and I have 22 years of full contributions. So I guess that's a positive start.

Thank goodness for that! I'm sure that was a huge relief.

Original poster

Nina55 · 17/01/2023 12:37

L0bstersLass · 17/01/2023 12:04

Thank goodness for that! I'm sure that was a huge relief.

Show quote history

It certainly was. Tomorrow step 2.

OP posts:

spannasaurus · 17/01/2023 16:45

ticketstub · 17/01/2023 10:07

It sounds like an awful situation and I hope the advice on this thread can help you.

This is meant kindly but you mention that you claim child benefit. I've included a link below as it may be worth checking if the family was entitled to the money based on the information about income below.

www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

OP unless you personally are earning over £50k you don't need to worry about the child benefit tax charge. If your partner earns more than £50k he may have to pay the high income child benefit charge but you are still entitled to receive the child benefit.

bonzaitree · 17/01/2023 18:04

Taking the first step is the hardest OP.

Well done! You’ll be unstoppable now!

Untitledsquatboulder · 17/01/2023 18:20

musingsinmidlife · 16/01/2023 15:19

If a man contributed basically nothing financially to the family for 20 years but helped out at the family business while the woman paid for all expenses for everyone for 20 years - somehow I doubt people would call him a slave and her aan abusive slave master. That she has a duty to pay him a full salary and pay all expenses and give him half of all assets - despite him living off her in entirety for 20 years.

This arrangement needs fixing but she has lived an expense free life for 20 years. A lot of people would have loved that. Never having to ever worry about a bill or an expense or any financial stress. Lots of people with full salaries are struggling to stay housed and put food on the table and the heat on because life costs money. I am sure some would be very happy to hsve someone say - I will pay 100% of all your expenses, you will never want for anything nor have to pay a cent - in return, I need help at the famiy business. I think OP will be a bit suprised by how much life costs to live on your own and that a salary doesn't make you that rich when you have to pay for everything that life costs.

Show quote history

I suspect he's had some expense free childcare and housekeeping along the way and at the end of the day he has all the assets and she has nowt. So no, not a good equal deal for the OP at all.

f4567 · 17/01/2023 18:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chiconbelge · 17/01/2023 18:38

OP, I see you have said that you’ve looked up your NI record and you have 22 years of contributions - I understand why you were pleased when you saw this.

However, your earnings are less than the NI threshold: NI contributions are linked to the amount of the salary, this is explained here: www.gov.uk/national-insurance/how-much-you-pay

So … is it possible that the company accounts have recorded you as being paid a salary that is a lot higher than the amount you’ve actually been paid? If so, that’s very concerning. Where has this money gone?

You need advice from someone IRL and as people have said, do not speak about this to your partner yet, and I would suggest you do not speak to the accountant you have mentioned who helps with the company’s books.

Others here may have some further thoughts.