After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

[Nina55]

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

He does own the house.

More to the point there are strict rules about dividend payments to shareholders. You should have been paid dividends in proportion to your share holding. Unless his shares are of a different class, or unless he pays himself almost solely through salary and not by dividend, it may be something illegal is going on.

Ah seen your reply. You need legal help, but it looks as if he has shafted you.

Perhaps start working out what he owes you for his portion of childcare and associated services?

It seems if I understand correctly there are 100 A shares (his) and 100 B shared (mine)

You should be able to see if you are a Director on companies house.
My guess is you are a director and have received a dividend not an employee but that’s just a guess.
I’d start with a family lawyer. Ideally a recommendation if not law society has a find a solicitor by speciality - I’d explain it’s for unmarried couple and partner self employed with a ltd company.
I know you are looking mainly for financial docs re company but also gather any evidence you have contributed financially to his house. It’s not easy to prove but there is a potential legal remedy of beneficial interest if you can show you have contributed in certain ways eg if you paid for new kitchen or extension.

Will do. Thank you.

Ok that makes sense now- so he owns the house outright with no mortgage- thanks for clearing that up.

I’d tell him no to the rent unless he is willing to add you onto the deeds for the house, but you should contribute to the bills if you get another job.

Good luck - hope you can get all this sorted.

I wonder if the payment he gives you every six months is actually monthly and the other 10 months he pays it into a joint account you have no access to. It would explain paying by cheque and the fact it's every 6 months not a smaller amount more regularly.

If so, he's a financially abusive scumbag and he's defrauded you, but it might be hard to prove you have no access to the account if you just sign anything he puts in front of you and are oblivious. You really need proper legal advice.

Thank you. I have not contributed to the house (other then doing all the cleaning) I have never seen the bills even. I told him yesterday if I get a new job I would contribute to the bills (pro rata of my wage) if he was willing to put my name on the bills ... but he got very defence when I said that and said he thinks rent is better. He clearly didn't want my name on those bills. I am starting to feel he's being difficult so I don't look for another job.

He wants you trapped and relying on him. You’re easier to manipulate that way.

It’s not the bills you need to be on, it’s the house deeds. Which you HAVE contributed to by a) looking after the children and the housework enabling him to work full time and b) working for him for essentially free, enabling him to pay the mortgage. Although thankfully as you’re married I think you would be entitled to half of it anyway.

Please take care op. He sounds a very unreasonable man who is trying to bully you. I hope you’ve been able to confide in your mum.

Op’s unmarried. It’s his house in his name. Obviously Op must take legal advice but from what she’s said she wouldn’t be able to establish any claim on his house. Things like cleaning don’t give you rights to someone’s property.

Oh JESUS. I didn’t realise they were unmarried. Yes, in that case she has no claim I imagine. I didn’t mean that she’d been contributing in the eyes of the law, just that she’d been contributing morally. She desperately needs to get her name on the deeds.

The key thing is between 9am-6pm you work 7.5 hours a day.

7.5 x 5 days =37.5 hours per week

37.5 hours x 26 weeks(6 months) =975 hours.

£1,600 for 6 months = approximately £1.60 an hour.

If that isn't financial abuse I don't know what is.

She does all cleaning and childcare and works full-time for bed and board +£1,600 every 6 months that she spends on second hand clothes and on her children.

He is absolutely financially abusing you and coercively controlling you.

Please tell ACAS and Women's aid the math.

Not her husband. He owns house. No mortgage.
He wants her to work, cook, clean, childcare and pay him rent to live there.
Obviously if she were just a lodger she would but she wouldn’t provide all those other services.
In 5 years time when kids 18 he asks her to leave.
She leaves with nothing.
He has a fully paid for house & pension.
It’s a very unfair set up nothing like a couple both contributing but both building assets.

I think unpaid wages is what the OP should be going after.

He has used her in his business and exploited her.

Her work has paid for his house and pension.

He's utter scum and the OP needs to wake up and start realising that she has been living with a highly abusive man.

She needs to report that she has worked full-time at his bidding for years for £1.60 an hour.

She is slave labour and has been utterly used by him.

What a bastard.
I’m raging for you, op.
Try to keep your cool and get all the info you can, while you can.

That’s exactly why he’s being difficult - he wants you under his control all the time.

You really must take proper advice. You need to find out if you’re an employee of the company or a director.

please be careful. Men losing their grip of control can be very dangerous men.

He’s not going to add Op to deeds. Op says he’s very clear at reminding her it’s his house, his bedroom.
This isn’t some oversight it’s deliberate.
I’d definitely want to know your legal status with company. There’s a post where Op thinks she ‘might’ be Company Secretary. Obviously this carries legal implications. If there has been any financial shenanigans with the Company Op needs to be clear re her role. At the minute people are assuming she’s an employee but she might be a director receiving a dividend.

I’m not usually dramatic but I’m getting a really horrible vibe on this one. Please be careful Op re using joint computers to search for info or looking for documents. If husband looks for something it often pops up as an ad on my Facebook (something to do with ip address) Op mentions the accountants are his friends. Please tell your mum or trusted friend your concerns.

Yes it's good that there are 22 years of NI contributions. 2 years contributions from working outside his home and business and then there may be credits from child benefit from the 2 DC who are under 16. So the other years at least definitely raise a question mark as to how enough NI contributions were paid even though OP has been paid a pittance.

Also he doesn't want OP names on and contributing towards the bills. Op doesn't know what they cost and what her share would be. He wants her to pay rent to him when mortgage free and will probably make up a figure on what? Market rate so he can make a profit and keep OP down. Closer to to a serf than a wife.

OP aside from the things you've detailed how is he as a father and husband? What's he like when you are I'll? Did he ever help with the kids?

Apologies if someone else has mentioned this but if you are looking for a new job then you'd need to provide two recent references when you apply, and they are usually contacted if you are successfully appointed. You are in a tricky situation as you'd need your partner to be your main reference as you have worked for him for 20 years - is that correct?
Are you in contact with the clients you have done with for. Could they provide a reference for you?

Definitely woken up. But still careful and also taking some time to make some sense of the best next steps. I am worried if he finds out he might take abrupt action. I also discovered for one job he's charging £80/hour for my services.