Page 9 | After 22 years together he now asks me to pay half?

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 16:49

ProseccoOnIce · 16/01/2023 15:28

OP, are you in Scotland?

I'm guessing not, but if you were you would have rights under a section 28 cohabitation claim.

No I am not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 16:53

SunlightWINTER · 16/01/2023 15:29

You are financially extremely vulnerable

As you are not married, he could kick you & the children out of the property

He has been under paying you for years

He could release you from your job too

Yes. I do.realise that now. I would hope he doesn't do this but indeed he could ... I will make a back up plan and speak to my mum. Just for some piece of mind.

OP posts:

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 16:56

Haffiana · 16/01/2023 16:48

Threads like this always attract people who are jealous of SAHMs and feel the need to put the boot in. They come across as they are - jealous, petty and nasty. That is their 'real world' I guess.

Show quote history

Trust me, I am far away from jelous. Actually I would never wish anyone to be in this situation. If knowing my bills, my rights ,my situation and how to cope in the event my husband will no longer be in my life makes me miserable and jealous so be it. But rather like that than not knowing were I will be tomorrow. You only came with insults not arguments. My arguments are all valid. There is a grown ass person who has no clue where to start if her husband drops dead tomorrow. Nothing to envy here but you keep caling me miserable to make yourself feel better than me.

spannasaurus · 16/01/2023 16:56

If you haven't already got one you should sign up for a personal tax account to check if you are being paid a salary from the company. If you have no other income there would be a tax saving from paying you up to the national insurance threshold or personal allowance threshold so you may find you are on the payroll but not receiving your payslips or correct net pay.

You can sign up here
www.gov.uk/personal-tax-account

Naunet · 16/01/2023 16:57

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 16:38

Q: how much are the bills?
A: no ideea he sorts them.

Yes, I call this stress free. Because the topic is about finances, is assumed that I mean financially stress free. Stop being ridiculous with the abuse it was an arrangement that op agreed with. She has acces to information to make decisions for herself. She didn't use them becsuse it suited her but now s*it hits the fan.

Show quote history

Right, so financially stress free, except having to buy her clothing second hand would imply that’s not exactly true.

You're the one minimising potentially illegal behaviour, wanting to pretend it’s not abusive for some bizarre reason.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/01/2023 16:59

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 16:53

Yes. I do.realise that now. I would hope he doesn't do this but indeed he could ... I will make a back up plan and speak to my mum. Just for some piece of mind.

Show quote history

Making a plan with your Mum is a good idea.

Do you know where your important documents are and can you access them? Birth certs, passport etc?

Do you claim Child Benefit and is it in your name?

The money you get every 6 months - is there a wage slip with it? Does it come from the company account or your DH's? You're going to have to do some digging to find out if that's salary (if it is then is it only paid every 6 months, or is that just the only time you get it) or if it's dividends. Then you'll need to find out your tax status and also any company roles you may have without knowing (some come with legal responsibilities so you need to get proper help with that).

It's a lot to unpick. And when an abuser starts to lose control is when they are at their most dangerous so do it carefully. And with proper help and advice from the likes of Women's Aid.

As you've already seen on here opinions will differ between people and what they think of your situation. Trained professionals will be able to pick apart the nuances and help you relative to your specific situation.

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:00

SunlightWINTER · 16/01/2023 15:46

I believe all employers are supposed to offer their employees the choice to join a private pension scheme too. This sometimes comes with life insurance & death in service payments too.

Example
You pay 3% into your private pension per month
Your employer pays 3% or more into your private pension per month
This is tax free
With compound interest this can add up to lots over the years ( what would it be for 22 years ?)

Some employers pay 20% or more !

So potentially you have lost the opportunity to have done this if you had been working for someone else

Your partner could have paid himself loads into a private pension & paid you zero !

Just have a think on what you have been missing

Have you been paid

Sick pay
Holiday pay - the legal minimum numbers of days paid holiday per year are also on www.gov.uk

He does have a private pension. I do not. My own fault for not pushing this. I know it sounds so naive and stupid and I know I am guilty of getting to this point as well. Sometimes it was easier not to speak up and I always believed he would genuinely look after me. Now I feel that much less. I feel more of a convenience if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:01

Naunet · 16/01/2023 16:57

Right, so financially stress free, except having to buy her clothing second hand would imply that’s not exactly true.

You're the one minimising potentially illegal behaviour, wanting to pretend it’s not abusive for some bizarre reason.

Show quote history

She dìdn't have tò buy second hand clothes (btw what's wrong with that?) She could have gone out and get a job her kids are grown but chose not to. I do not encourage abuse, but this is not. Is an arrangement that untill now worked for her.

Haffiana · 16/01/2023 17:02

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 16:56

Trust me, I am far away from jelous. Actually I would never wish anyone to be in this situation. If knowing my bills, my rights ,my situation and how to cope in the event my husband will no longer be in my life makes me miserable and jealous so be it. But rather like that than not knowing were I will be tomorrow. You only came with insults not arguments. My arguments are all valid. There is a grown ass person who has no clue where to start if her husband drops dead tomorrow. Nothing to envy here but you keep caling me miserable to make yourself feel better than me.

Show quote history

This thread is not about you or your position.

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:02

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2023 15:33

I would think you've been abused by him other than financially as well; such men are solely rarely financially abusive. He has kept you and otherwise used you to feather his own nest. The only person he cares about here is him.

How old were you when you met this individual?.

I was mid twenties. He can be very controlling at times. But as said before we have worked perfectly fine together. If I hasn't said no things would have just continued on as before I believe.

OP posts:

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:03

Haffiana · 16/01/2023 17:02

This thread is not about you or your position.

Show quote history

I was answering a thread that quoted me.

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:06

But as said before we have worked perfectly fine together. If I hasn't said no things would have just continued on as before I believe.

There it is. Point proven.

Naunet · 16/01/2023 17:06

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:01

She dìdn't have tò buy second hand clothes (btw what's wrong with that?) She could have gone out and get a job her kids are grown but chose not to. I do not encourage abuse, but this is not. Is an arrangement that untill now worked for her.

Show quote history

Where did I say anything was wrong with it? I didn’t, but you don’t tend to find many people who have no financial concerns, buying all their clothing second hand, do you?

She had a job, which you seem to want to ignore. She could have got a better job yes, but how easy do you think that would be if he refused to do school runs/sickness/appointments? It’s not black and white. I agree with you that OP should have taken more responsibility for herself, but you actually seem to think she deserves this bad treatment? Your lack of empathy or understanding for her and refusal to acknowledge that is illegal behaviour could be abusive, is really weird. It’s like she’s personally offended you?!

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:06

FictionalCharacter · 16/01/2023 15:34

Please @Nina55 , from this moment on, don’t listen to him. You’ve been had. There has been some great advice on this thread, you can move forward from this, but only if you acknowledge what people are saying- that this is financial abuse and coercive control, and that you deserve better and are entitled to it. You need to stop trusting him and believing what he says, because he’s been exploiting you in a quite astonishing way. He’s been keeping you in the dark about company and family finances, as well as depriving you of money that should be yours. It’s heartbreaking that you work all these hours in a job that should be paying you well, and are buying all your clothes second hand.

You must be feeling extremely shocked and disoriented, so please take time to clarify all this in your mind and work out where you’ll go for independent advice. And as PPs have advised, do not tell him that you’re taking advice and digging into your finances.

Show quote history

Thank you. It's indeed been overwhelming but tomorrow in the evening when he watches tv I will start reading and making notes.

OP posts:

Naunet · 16/01/2023 17:08

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:06

But as said before we have worked perfectly fine together. If I hasn't said no things would have just continued on as before I believe.

There it is. Point proven.

He can be very controlling at times

Missanimosity · 16/01/2023 17:13

No, no more fighting about this, I am done. To the OP, with all respect and kindness, change your situation yesterday. Thake control, find out all the details that you are missing. Gain clarity, get the knowledge, gain your independence. Go out and get a job start building a career. You will feel much better mentally knowing your future is in your hands. Get all the details and start contributing to pension ni and so on. Don't ever let life surprise you like that again.

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:23

KettrickenSmiled · 16/01/2023 16:18

Really? You haven't seen or paid a bill in 22 YEARS?

I think it's on the books but I get paid by cheque every 6 months. I do believe NI is paid.
You think ... you believe ...
This man could chuck you out of the house tomorrow, & if he hasn't been paying your NI, you won't even have a State Pension to fall back on when you reach 67.

Don't you think it's time you started informing yourself about the essentials of your life?

Show quote history

Yes I agree and yes I will find this all out. And no, I have never paid any household bills.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:29

spannasaurus · 16/01/2023 16:56

If you haven't already got one you should sign up for a personal tax account to check if you are being paid a salary from the company. If you have no other income there would be a tax saving from paying you up to the national insurance threshold or personal allowance threshold so you may find you are on the payroll but not receiving your payslips or correct net pay.

You can sign up here
www.gov.uk/personal-tax-account

Thank you very much

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2023 17:31

Nina

re your comments in quote marks
"But as said before we have worked perfectly fine together".

This is because you've always been acquiescent and otherwise subserviant to him and his controlling nature. He's not likely walking around in second hand clothing (nothing wrong with this per se but his stuff is likely all new). The money you received from him went primarily on your children. Another red flag re him that went unrecognised by you was the fact he never wanted you to pay any bills. I suppose he said something like, "don't worry yourself about that".

The real him became apparent to you when you said no to this new job that you were (rightly because these are your feelings and also this job was outside your remit) uncomfortable about accepting.

"If I hasn't said no things would have just continued on as before I believe".
Yes it would have done and you would have remained unaware.

You met this man when you were in your mid 20s; what was life like for you prior to that?.

Isme1908 · 16/01/2023 17:33

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 13:49

22 long-term relationship – unmarried 2 kids

Partner owns a house and pays bills which the 4 of us live in – often referring to this even now as his house / his bedroom verbally.

We have worked together for the last 20 years, perfectly fine, in his company. He pays me 1600 every 6 months, which I mainly being spent on kids, although I do work nearly full time, I do have lots of flexible time to move things about to suit the kids' needs.

Recently, he’s become more controlling and wanted me to do a job for a client I am not comfortable with. I explained the reasons why but he’s just not listening and twisting my reasons back to me.

He’s now saying I don’t want to work/contribute (which isn’t true) and should find another job. Over the last 20 years, I worked very hard to support the company.

I said fine. Then he followed up by expecting me to pay half of all the bills, which he never ever requested before in fact he made it clear it shouldn't when we first met. His financial situation is very good. I feel he’s just being controlling. Or is he right?

Tell me what you think. He says I am crazy and over-reacting …
You can be harsh, I just don't know what to think of this.

What should I do?

He really does hold all the cards at this point and I think he knows it and Is lording it over you too. Without meaning to sound harsh OP, you really do need to start taking a bit of ownership for your life now.

If you want to get a new job then sit down with him and work out exactly how you will both split the bills( if you are both working full time then absolutely yes you should contribute) Open up a joint bank account that you both have access to. Set up direct debits for all household bills to come out of joint acc so you know exactly who and how much you are paying each month. You could both each agree to pay a certain percentage of your monthly wage into joint acc to cover all shared bills and kids stuff. ( if you earn less than him I don’t think it would be fair of him to expect you to contribute the same amount each month) Mortgage is in his name so you shouldn’t be paying a penny towards this imo. If he expects you to pay into mortgage then make sure you get your name added to the deeds so you have rights on the house. Getting a new job would mean you might have less flexibility with school runs etc so there might be childcare costs. I’d expect OH to do his share of the school runs too. In fact he’d have to do half of the housework too. Also, I doubt you could tell another employer you don’t want to work with a certain client- just some things to consider.

If you do want to continue to work for him then you need to seriously change your terms, including salary, pension, holidays, sick pay etc I think the suggestion of some kind of legal advice would be very very wise! You just sound so in the dark about so many things and you are being paid an absolute pittance for the full time work you do whilst also running a house and paying for kids off your “wage”! It sounds to me like it’s probably not even through the books or above board in the slightest either. Agree with others you are in a very vulnerable situation and completely financially dependent on your OH which I personally just could just not do. ( sorry they was a huge post!)

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 17:37

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/01/2023 16:59

Making a plan with your Mum is a good idea.

Do you know where your important documents are and can you access them? Birth certs, passport etc?

Do you claim Child Benefit and is it in your name?

The money you get every 6 months - is there a wage slip with it? Does it come from the company account or your DH's? You're going to have to do some digging to find out if that's salary (if it is then is it only paid every 6 months, or is that just the only time you get it) or if it's dividends. Then you'll need to find out your tax status and also any company roles you may have without knowing (some come with legal responsibilities so you need to get proper help with that).

It's a lot to unpick. And when an abuser starts to lose control is when they are at their most dangerous so do it carefully. And with proper help and advice from the likes of Women's Aid.

As you've already seen on here opinions will differ between people and what they think of your situation. Trained professionals will be able to pick apart the nuances and help you relative to your specific situation.

Show quote history

Thank you. Yes I will speak with my mum who's in a good position to help even if it's only temporarily. Yes I do know where most documents are kept. Yes I claim child benefit and this is in my name. Definitely a lot to unpick but I shall, step by step.

It's OK opions different, in a way I do agree that I have got myself in this situation. I always trust him to do what's best for the family and I have been clearly very naive.

Thank you for your advice.

OP posts:

euff · 16/01/2023 17:43

I think this might all be quite overwhelming. If you are feeling that then I would give yourself a break then go back through this thread and write a list of things to do to better know your position and what steps to take.

As a pp advised if you are going to change job and contribute then have a joint account where you both pay bills money in and the DD's come out. If you are contributing make sure your name is on the bills. Make sure you can see the actual bills and not just pay what he tells you is your contribution.

Do you ever have conversations about the kids futures, education, financial support etc?

CombatBarbie · 16/01/2023 18:44

The good news is that you will have been given NI contributions for 12yrs when you applied for the eldest. Checking the rest and state pension is literally a 15min job. This information alone will tell you where you stand. Legally he has to offer you pension contributions and that's just for starters.

If the accountant is a friend of his, I wouldn't like to be him if he's been doing the books..... He's compliant in fraud/financial abuse too.

Sotiredmjmmy · 16/01/2023 18:47

Nina55 · 16/01/2023 15:07

Thank you. I agree. I will just start by reading up, checking NI, company set up. Our accounts is his friend so that's not an option.

Show quote history

OP I completely agree you need to be careful of what and who you discuss this with - if you do want some help the offer is there, I am fully qualified and you would be able to check out my credentials online (including with my regulator) without you first giving any details

Eddielizzard · 16/01/2023 19:02

i'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You trusted him, your partner and father to your children and he has really taken advantage. He is not a good man, even though he pays the bills. You may feel foolish, it's natural, but he should be ashamed. You've done nothing wrong here.

Best thing I think you can do is quietly take copies of all documents you can get your hands on. Don't let him know that doing this or that you're doing anything to change the status quo. You are very vulnerable right now.

Make a call to Women's Aid. You are being financially abuse and most definitely coercive control going on. You don't want to find out if he's violent. Talk to family. Start making plans to protect yourself and your DC's.