Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

164 replies

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:39

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time.

Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years.

Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite.

I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day.

WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 16/01/2023 13:42

It’s not disrespectful at all to not bring your oh. But at the same time I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of going. Why on earth has he even invited you when he hasn’t even spoken to you for 3 years? Are you sure he even wants you there? I’m wondering if the idiots saying you should go have somehow persuaded him it would be wrong to not invite you. I’d be suspicious he’s invited you just so he can say that he has, but probably believes you won’t accept?

Aprilx · 16/01/2023 13:45

I do not think you are disrespecting your partner or your relationship by not bringing him to the wedding. But like the poster above states, I do not understand why you would go to the wedding of somebody that hasn’t spoken to you for three years. If he wants you at the wedding, he needs to approach you beforehand and you settle your differences ahead of the wedding.

TheSnowyOwl · 16/01/2023 13:46

I wouldn’t go at all.

If you want to reconcile, that can be done at a different time.

Coffeellama · 16/01/2023 13:47

If you want to reconcile then you should go, it’s your olive branch between you and your brother so I wouldn’t make it about your DP.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:47

It is more my kids that I am sure he wants there rather than anything and they wont go if i dont. I think it is all for the aesthetics of it him having the kids there but cant look like I have been excluded. I guess maybe because I have always wanted a reconciliation is why I am wanting to show up at all.

He still speaks to the kids and buys them gifts etc but only sees them if they are at grandparents at same time so not often.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 16/01/2023 13:48

Has he even invited the kids though?

jtaeapa · 16/01/2023 13:50

How old are your kids?

If someone had ignored me for 3 years, they sure as shit wouldn't be seeing my kids.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:50

Yes on a separate invite can you believe. Kids will not go without me though. I really just wish they had acknowledged dp so I had someone on my side as it were at the wedding. As it is my divorced parents will be sitting there glaring at each other and the rest of the invites are her side.

OP posts:
Chowtime · 16/01/2023 13:51

I think it is all for the aesthetics of it him having the kids there but cant look like I have been excluded.

Or maybe he loves you, enjoys your company, is sad that you've fallen out and wants to see you again so you share in his happy day with him.

Go and celebrate his wedding with him. If anything ever happened to him imagine how you'd feel not having gone to his wedding.

What on earth did you argue about not to talk for 2 years if you don't mind my asking.

AuntViv · 16/01/2023 13:52

Is your DB aware there is a DP in your life?

BevMarsh · 16/01/2023 13:53

If you want to reconcile then I'd go. I'm sure your partner will understand and will be relieved not to have to tag along to a wedding of people he's never met.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:53

I have reached out many times and been totally ignored even to my face at other functions so I doubt it is out of love although I would be delighted if it was.

Family politics. One person did something, I saw what happened and told the truth, this person denied it and was believed instead. It came up every family meal for years before finally coming to a head and that was it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:54

AuntViv · 16/01/2023 13:52

Is your DB aware there is a DP in your life?

Yes he does.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 16/01/2023 13:54

Do you want to rebuild this relationship? Do you want to go ? If so. Reply graciously saying it was lovely to receive and you would love to be there ,

WinterFoxes · 16/01/2023 13:55

Why not use this as an opener to try and mend the rift?

Contact your brother, say you were incredibly touched to be invited and would love to see him beforehand. Tell him you'd love to attend and the children are excited too but you'd really love for DP to be there too, to finally meet the family and because everyone else will have their partners present and you would feel uncomfortable if you didn't. See what he says.

euff · 16/01/2023 13:55

Sorry if I've missed it but are your kids adults or children? Asking because of the separate invites which would be a flag for me if they are children and live with you. I would still probably think it's a bit weirded even if adult children unless they have their own partner and or kids.

Did you get your invites at the same time or yours after theirs?

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:57

Invites came at same time. Kids live with me and are early teens.

I dont know any of her family as they had only really met when he stopped talking to me so it would be me and the two kids sitting there trying to entertain ourselves. Brother also fell out with all his friends over the years so I will not know anyone else bar my arguing parents.

OP posts:
Myotherpetisamouse · 16/01/2023 13:58

I wouldn’t go. All it takes is someone with too much alcohol on board to start dragging up the past and the whole thing becomes a mess.
A wedding is not a time for reconciliation- it should be done before if you want it.

Showdogworkingdog · 16/01/2023 13:59

If you are interested in ending the NC awkwardness then I’d use the wedding invite as a means to reconnect by seeing him now to catch up (and give him the chance to imeet/invite your DP) rather than waiting for the day which will be fraught enough already. Hopefully he does regret the way your relationship has broken down and is looking to re establish a relationship with you. Either that or he wants to be able to make sure he’s not looking like the bad guy by not inviting you - had that with my nc in-laws who liked telling an audience how much they missed seeing us and their grandchildren despite never making any effort to contact any of us.

pjani · 16/01/2023 13:59

If you want to reconcile with someone and they invite you to their wedding, of course you go! And I don’t understand why you feel like you’d be alone if your kids are going with you? I would go, don’t plan to leave early, but if al gets a bit much then leave once all the main bits are done and it’s feasible to do so.

applecartsonthehill · 16/01/2023 13:59

If you don't think he's being genuine then decline the invitation.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:00

I tried to rsvp via text and whatsapp and still blocked. Wedding in three weeks so I am not seeing a meet up prior to then unfortunately.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 16/01/2023 14:01

I don't honestly get why you are giving this head space. Don't go, and your kids don't go. Why would you want to be at the wedding of someone who won't speak to you

Myotherpetisamouse · 16/01/2023 14:02

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:00

I tried to rsvp via text and whatsapp and still blocked. Wedding in three weeks so I am not seeing a meet up prior to then unfortunately.

Looks like you’ll have to resort to snail mail…

America12 · 16/01/2023 14:02

If you want to reconcile with your brother then go with your kids. He's never met your partner so not sure why he'd be invited ?