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Original poster

Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

164 replies

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:39

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time.

Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years.

Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite.

I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day.

WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2023 16:03

None of you should attend this wedding under any circumstances. You'd be there only for aesthetics and or to make the numbers up on photos.

Your children have indeed not forgotten, nor would they forget, the abuse meted out to you by your drunkard brother in front of them. Why would you assume they would actually forget?. I think you've been conditioned to believe by your dysfunctional family that you as a person and or your feelings do not matter. You may well have bene taught by them to put your own feelings and wants dead last.

You want reconciliation because you hate bad feeling between people. That is also problematic; it makes me think you are or at least have been a people pleaser. People pleasing often starts in childhood by wanting to please or otherwise gain the approval of an otherwise difficult or toxic parent or sibling. I would think you also hate conflict as well. Fear obligation and guilt are hopefully three subjects being tackled here by your therapist as well.

Do have a read of and consider posting too on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/01/2023 16:04

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:00

I tried to rsvp via text and whatsapp and still blocked. Wedding in three weeks so I am not seeing a meet up prior to then unfortunately.

If he is still blocking you on text and WhatsApp, he has only sent the invitation for show, not out of a desire to reconcile with you. If I were you, I wouldn't go, despite his relationship with my teens. I'm sure they understand your situation and if they really want to go, could be looked after by one of your parents, unless that would open a different can of worms, of course! I would do as a pp suggested and decline the invitation (you don't have to say why, for all they know, there is something else important happening in your life) but send a nice card and gift.

Roundandnour · 16/01/2023 16:08

I wouldn’t go or bother wasting my time and money sending something.

ImBlueDab · 16/01/2023 16:13

I wouldn't go. I'd not put myself and my dc in a position of being used and abused. It's all very well for people to say 'be the bigger person' but it's not them that has to deal with the fallout. Chances are the parent saying this, is the one that your db gets his abusive traits from. I wouldn't even send a card and pressy either

Nicanabanana · 16/01/2023 16:14

I’m sure you “want to do the right thing” as someone mentioned upthread.

Conscientious people always tie themselves in knots about doing the right thing.

I did it for years. Now I’ve lost interest in that because it caused me to be played like a fiddle by people who had zero interest or in fact the character traits required to be able to do the right thing. Recognising that need in me to be the one to do the right thing when no one else is willing to do it has been endlessly helpful.

I would strongly suggest that your social anxiety has a lot to do with your early family dynamics and a set up that has given you the belief that when your brother has a couple of drinks you and your kids can be shouted at for years for telling the truth about something.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/01/2023 16:16

I wouldn't go. I'm a great believer in not putting oneself into an uncomfortable situation for the sake of 'appearances'. Especially when those 'appearances' are for someone else's benefit. You really don't want to go and even if your DP were invited you'd still be on tenterhooks the whole time. NOT a pleasant way to spend a day IMHO. I'd simply RSVP that you are not attending and leave it. You don't owe anyone an explanation (see next para re your DC) and DB will know why you have declined. 'Nuff said.

As far as your DC, although you don't need to 'explain' why you are declining (I'm sure they know already) I would sit them down and stress to them that although you have chosen for yourself not to attend, you are perfectly happy for them to attend and that it wouldn't be 'disrespectful' or 'disloyal' of them to do so. Remind them that they see DB at the DGP's house and you have always been fine with it.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 16:17

For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids

If you choose to repeatedly accept this behaviour and keep going back for more, you're an adult, that is entirely your choice.

But why on earth you'd choose put your children through this, why you'd deliberately choose to put them in an environment where there is a risk that this will happen (again), I simply cannot fathom.

Passmealargewine · 16/01/2023 16:18

I would absolutely not go.

Hes not spoken to you in 2 years, in spite of you being the one to try & give the olive branch. You can't even rsvp because he has you blocked still! No way is there any genuine care behind that invitation.

I do understand why you feel conflicted though, I'm not quite in the same situation but I've recently found myself in a similar position, my sister hasn't spoken to me in over 2 years (mostly because of lies my mom has told about me)

we recently had a family member die & my sister contacted me to say let's put it all aside now & make amends, life's too short etc. I jumped at the chance, I completely understand why you have that same hope of reconciliation.
Unfortunately when we did end up in the same room she didn't even look at me let alone speak & has made no effort ever since.
All it did was reopen the wounds I'd been trying to heal over the past 2 years. I'd made a lot of progress through counselling & it really upset me all over again.

( I'm a lurker on the stately homes board & would absolutely take @AttilaTheMeerkat advice, they really talk so much sense!)

CornishGem1975 · 16/01/2023 16:20

Gosh, I'd just send back a polite decline.

Summersolargirl · 16/01/2023 16:21

I was with you till you started going on about it being disrespectful to your partner. That’s a hugely odd thing to think and write. It isn’t remotely and it concerns me you think this . Also how you go on about your partner, like you’re deeply dependent on him.

anyway this could be about the kids, it could be about extending an olive branch. As you wish it resolved. I’d view it as the latter and go with the kids and try to have a nice time with them.

Velvetween · 16/01/2023 16:22

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:58

This is what my eldest are worried about. For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding. I do not want or need it again. My life is going amazingly and I think I am worried this exact thing will happen.

Show quote history

Based on this, I’d be putting my kids first and not going.

He owes you an apology by the sound of it and as previous posters have said, a wedding is not the place to start a reconciliation.

Emmamoo89 · 16/01/2023 16:23

Don't go if you don't want to

mindutopia · 16/01/2023 16:27

I wouldn't go to the wedding of someone I was NC with. It sounds like they have invited you to save face, rather than because they actually want you there. The plus one would be immaterial. I just wouldn't go even if dh was invited. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Notaboutthebass · 16/01/2023 16:27

I was going to say go if you want to reconcile (obviously reconcile before the wedding).
But after reading that he's always shouted abuse at you and your children, I absolutely wouldn't go!

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 16:30

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 15:35

Is the one adamant you go also adamant that your brother phones you to apologise and make up?

Or are they just relying on you to cover up the dysfunction that they don’t want other side seeing?

Show quote history

Thats the one that said he will 'have another word' about it all. I have heard it all before though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 16:33

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2023 16:03

None of you should attend this wedding under any circumstances. You'd be there only for aesthetics and or to make the numbers up on photos.

Your children have indeed not forgotten, nor would they forget, the abuse meted out to you by your drunkard brother in front of them. Why would you assume they would actually forget?. I think you've been conditioned to believe by your dysfunctional family that you as a person and or your feelings do not matter. You may well have bene taught by them to put your own feelings and wants dead last.

You want reconciliation because you hate bad feeling between people. That is also problematic; it makes me think you are or at least have been a people pleaser. People pleasing often starts in childhood by wanting to please or otherwise gain the approval of an otherwise difficult or toxic parent or sibling. I would think you also hate conflict as well. Fear obligation and guilt are hopefully three subjects being tackled here by your therapist as well.

Do have a read of and consider posting too on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

Correct on all counts. I had forgotten that thread, I will read it this evening thank you.

OP posts:
bjrce · 16/01/2023 16:33

OP

He sent your invite separate from your DC- Are you serious?

He really only wants your DC at the Wedding but knew he couldn't invite them and not you - The fact that you can't even reply on his Wats app - says it all.

Be prepared to get totally ignored if you do go to the Wedding, He is still trying to control you. Your anxiety will be through the roof.

I would not put myself or my DC in that position - I wouldn't go!

As soon as the wedding is over he'll be back to ignoring you!

HanSB · 16/01/2023 16:35

You are still blocked, it's obvious it's not a genuine invitation and just for show to other family members or to his fiancee. I wouldn't go, there's good reason why you don't have contact, why change things now for a wedding. I think family members want the children to be there and so they sent the invite and then realised they would have to invite you as well which is the reason for the 2 separate invitations.

bjrce · 16/01/2023 16:41

Effingfamilies · Today 15:32
Thanks all. I have spoken to both my parents. One is adamant I go and be the bigger person and the other has just said do what I want. God families can be so difficult.

I'd put money on it that its your mother who is adamant that you attend the Wedding!

TicketMasterMind · 16/01/2023 17:09

mikulkin · 16/01/2023 14:52

OP, in kindest way you are concentrating on wrong issue. You and your teen kids who live with you got separate invites, you are still blocked on the phone. These are the real issues not whether your DP is invited. Why are you even contemplating to go?

This.

To me the separate invites to your DCs is manipulative. He is suggesting that they can make their own decision and possibly go with their DGPs which is divisive.

He holds all the power on the day - where you sit, if he talks to you or not.

If he has fallen out with all of his friends he’s an asshole.

Don’t let him use you or your DCs as a fig leaf.

If you want to reconcile do it privately in a personal way.

This isn’t the time or the place and why have you just received invites 3 weeks before?

Snowpatrolling · 16/01/2023 17:14

So he’s not spoken to you in 3 years, your still blocked?
nah I wouldn’t be going. If he couldn’t be respectful to me, he wouldn’t be using my kids as wedding props

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 16/01/2023 17:14

DO NOT GO.

He is still abusive. He still has you blocked. He doesn’t want you there (except maybe as a target).

And even if that were not the case, a wedding is most definitely NOT an appropriate venue for a reconciliation.

TicketMasterMind · 16/01/2023 17:17

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:58

This is what my eldest are worried about. For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding. I do not want or need it again. My life is going amazingly and I think I am worried this exact thing will happen.

Show quote history

For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding.

Sorry just saw this - never risk exposing your DCs to anything like this again.

I would take pride in being an overt role model with my DCs by saying - people who behave like this you disengage from.

Show them how to know what’s shit and how to walk away assertively.

It doesn’t matter if he never lets rip at you again - he holds all the power just in the threat of his volatility.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/01/2023 17:19

I have reached out many times and been totally ignored even to my face at other functions so I doubt it is out of love although I would be delighted if it was.

Don't go.
Don't even send an RSVP, let alone the card & present you were thinking of.

DB chose to go NC with YOU.
He has ignored all your attempts to reach out, & he has not even unblocked you after sending this invitation!
You know he is argumentative, as are your parents.
Why would you expose yourself to more argument, drama, hurt & humiliation?

I will say it again - DB CHOSE to go NC with you. Don't go pandering to him now he's sent you this performative invitation, without so much as lifting his blocked comms to you. All you will be doing is making yourself vulnerable, & putting all the power into his hands.

The parent that is urging you to go - ? Grey Rock them. They are not the boss of you. Neither they nor DB have the right to instruct you to jump to compliance, having been painfully 'put aside' for 3 years.

TicketMasterMind · 16/01/2023 17:23

KettrickenSmiled · 16/01/2023 17:19

I have reached out many times and been totally ignored even to my face at other functions so I doubt it is out of love although I would be delighted if it was.

Don't go.
Don't even send an RSVP, let alone the card & present you were thinking of.

DB chose to go NC with YOU.
He has ignored all your attempts to reach out, & he has not even unblocked you after sending this invitation!
You know he is argumentative, as are your parents.
Why would you expose yourself to more argument, drama, hurt & humiliation?

I will say it again - DB CHOSE to go NC with you. Don't go pandering to him now he's sent you this performative invitation, without so much as lifting his blocked comms to you. All you will be doing is making yourself vulnerable, & putting all the power into his hands.

The parent that is urging you to go - ? Grey Rock them. They are not the boss of you. Neither they nor DB have the right to instruct you to jump to compliance, having been painfully 'put aside' for 3 years.

Agree.

But I would send a sorry can’t make it card ASAP (tonight !) so that it’s done and you don’t dither any longer.

You will feel hugely relieved.

If your DPs ask why - say the kids are terrified of his outbursts so you are not going to risk exposing them to him.