Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

[Effingfamilies]

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time.

Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years.

Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite.

I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day.

WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

Don't go. Weddings at the best of times are pressure cookers of emotions, expectations and booze. Your brother gets drunk and shouts at you - I don't really see why you want to reconcile.

Personally I wouldn’t go. He’s blocked you, refused to reconcile, hasn’t contacted you other than an invite that isn’t even a plus one, and it seems he’s only invited you to get access to your kids.

Just because it’s his wedding doesn’t mean he gets to be a dick. Either he wants to reconcile, in which case he should unblock you and reach out to say so, or he doesn’t, in which case the wedding can only be unpleasant for you. It doesn’t bode well that he hasn’t invited your partner, that says to me he doesn’t want you to have support there.

It’s perfectly ok not to go.

You are allowed to not go.

If you still hope to reconcile, send him a letter saying you got the invite butnwould like to soeak to him first and were unable to reach him by phone, please can he call you? If he won’t do that, don’t go.

Your brother doesn't want you to go and fully expects that you will decline.
Then he can claim that he invited you and you chose not to come. Like he's the 'better person'.

For that reason, I'd go. Take a nice gift. Eat, drink and be merry and know that he was seriously pissed off about it.

It's probably more sensible to politely decline but I'm petty as fuck. 🤷

Seen your update - fuck that for a game of soldiers OP. You don't need this crap.

This. Given that you say he's blanked you at other events and you have reached out many times i would seek to meet up privately firat rather than have it all staked on the wedding itself.

This! I had to go to my brothers wedding and my other brother doesn't speak to me or my sister since he had an affair and got with his OW. I cried all the way home and took a couple of weeks to feel ok. I really didn't enjoy it but I didn't feel I could not go. I definitely would not go in this situation. That's very decent if you to allow your kids to have a relationship with your brother. I would allow the same if my brother was interested but he does not allow me or my sister to have a relationship with our neice who we were previously very close to. Families!!

Absolutely not.

Keep your children away from him too.

Stick with therapy and stay the hell away from his toxicity.

I absolutely would not go for all of the reasons stated by pp's but if you really need further persuasion OP let's do a best/worst case scenario of your options

You go to the wedding

Best case - you spend the next 3 weeks worrying yourself sick about how it's going to go, you go along, it's awkward, your parents are glaring at each other and your kids are nervous, you're largely ignored by your brother and his wife, your new sil's family are polite but you don't know them, you hopefully have a nice meal, then you leave and think well that wasn't too bad and you never hear from your brother again.

Worst case - you spend the next 3 weeks worrying yourself sick about how it's going to go, you go along, it's awkward, your parents are glaring at each other and your kids are nervous, you're largely ignored by your brother and his wife, your new sil's family are polite but you don't know them, then after a few drinks your brother launches into one of his shouty attacks on you causing a massive scene, which you will no doubt get the blame for at some point, you will be devastated, your kids will be traumatised again, everyone else will be embarrassed and you will leave wishing you'd never gone.

You don't go to the wedding

Best case - you send an rsvp saying thanks for the invite but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to attend since you haven't spoken to me in 3 years and still have me blocked on sm, if you would like arrange to meet up at another time to apologise and rebuild our relationship please do get in touch. He immediately replies and says he's sorry and he really wants you there, you say ok fine but only if my dp can come too, and he says absolutely fine, love you Sis! Everyone lives happily ever after.

Worst case - you send an rsvp saying thanks for the invite but I don't think it would be appropriate for me to attend since you haven't spoken to me in 3 years and still have me blocked on sm, if you would like arrange to meet up at another time to apologise and rebuild our relationship please do get in touch. You don't hear from him again, he bitches about how unreasonable you are to anyone who'll listen, and one of your parents is pissed off with you for not attending. You and your dp and kids live happily ever after!

Also weddings are great if you know and like some of the people who are attending, if you don't they are a trial, and if it's a small wedding it's so much worse imo!

You shouldn't be making a decision to attend or not based on pressure from other family or friends. You should decide entirely based on how you feel and what you want. It doesn't matter what it looks like to anyone else.

If it were me, personally I wouldn't go. Given that your DB still has you blocked by text and whatsapp, it doesn't seem like there is any interest in reconciliation and very much like you've been invited out of obligation/appearances (or as you suggested, to have your kids present). Not be allowed to bring a plus one for yourself when everyone else can is extra.

I think you'll just end up feeling bad the whole time if you go and so, I wouldn't.

Thanks all for the input. I have read and mulled over every single one of the responses. I really appreciate you all taking the time to message me.

I keep mulling it over and over. I was not aware till I got the invites that they were getting married at all but apparently everyone else has known quite some time. I was last to know fair enough but I am starting to think people have pulled out and we were never getting invites anyway - well me at least. I would have always assumed he would invite the kids if he was to get married ever.
I have decided to bring dc to the church to see their uncle get married and then when they are off getting their photos and things done I will say my hellos and goodbyes to other people including my parents and their partners and the one or two people I may recognise and just leave then. I will have then done my duty as a sister and shown up but will leave the drinking to the rest of them later on and return home to DP and crack open a bottle ourselves.

Kids could not be less bothered, I have asked them when they got home today if they wanted to stay and genuinely they could not be less bothered as they are teens and would rather be home playing devices. They are not all that pushed about the church either but they have committed to that now.

Thank you all again for your responses. It does help me going forward with my therapy. x

I agree with you - go to the church with DC and do your duty as a sister BUT bring DP too. Say hello afterwards to anyone you recognise, then take yourselves off somewhere nice and make the most of all of you being dressed up. Book a really swanky restaurant for you, DP, and DC.

Oh, and make sure you look fabulous and carefree!

This

And your children shouldn't be in the same room either!

Stand up for yourself and don't put yourself or your kids through it!

It will no doubt all come crashing down again afterwards!

Sorry I think that’s a mistake. Your DB will likely see this manoeuvre as a public snub / game and either refuse this option or humiliate you and your DCs. He might ask your DCs directly why they aren’t coming on to the reception.

What excuse would you use? Your other family and friends in attendance will think you petty and odd. Either go or don’t.

What duty and obligation are you loyal to? Your parents who didn’t even tell you he was getting married (no one told you because you weren’t getting invited until last minute drop outs).

The only loyalty is to your self and family. If you DCs aren’t bothered - respect and be loyal to them instead.

I would honestly decline the reception invitation but let them know you will be in church.

I would probably enclose a note telling Db that you love him and wouldn't miss the ceremony for the world. But as you're not reconciled, and don't want any uncomfortableness at what should be a happy celebration, you won't be at the reception. Wish them the very best and would love for the happy couple to meet up with you and dp in the near future and build bridges.

Big mistake. DB will see it as a public snub and attention seeking for you to turn up but not attend his wedding. It will simply escalate the situation. It’s such a weird thing to do anyway I can sort of see his point so you will simply be putting yourself in the wrong. It’s difficult to imagine anyone this naive, frankly.

As your teens cba to go it’s hard to see why you’re making this into a big drama. You say they’re not bothered about the church either - and that’s the most boring bit for teens - so just don’t send them.

Would urge you to reconsider re taking your teens along. You are basically playing into brothers hands and your teens are not bothered about going.

are you actually talking about fear , obligation and guilt in therapy?. If not I would consider also finding another therapist to work with.

Agree.

You sound like a doormat and a people pleaser and you are modeling awful behaviour completely unnecessarily to your children.

He has repeatedly abused and himiliated you before and you want to expose your children to THAT?

Genuinely cannot understand why you would do that🤷🏻‍♀️.

Why would you do that when you could decline the whole mess.

You are only thinking of yourself here, certainly not what is best for your children.

I wouldnt go at all - this person is not in your life, why do you want to celebrate something in their life?

Seriously, life is too short to go to the event of someone who HAS STILL BLOCKED YOU and not talked to you for 3 years!!

You are doing the right thing. Showing up for the church being polite and then going. In life we have to rise above things. I believe this is the best way.
it is a shame that you are NC with a sibling and I know the feeling well. But you have tried and there comes a time when you have to move on. Don’t let it eat you up.
I hope the service goes well

@iknowimcoming Perfect reply!

I wouldn't go with that back story. If you have been to other events and had no contact/conversation.
From your brothers POV, I'd only want people I care about at my wedding. It doesn't sound like he cares about you.
Save yourself the embarrassment

This.
But if you are really not comfortable going then don't force yourself to go, send a nice gift and nice card and decline.
If you do go, please don't take an uninvited guest, your DP. There's enough threads on here about people doing that, and if your relationship is already rocky this could set it off again. Particularly if it's a very small wedding. I also totally understand given the circumstances why you don't want to go alone.
Whatever you choose to do, I would take it as a gesture from your brother to try to make amends. You can still do that if you don't go if you decline graciously.
Hope it goes well for you OP, whatever you choose

Have you only just been invited to this wedding that's taking place in 3 weeks? Why on earth didn't you just say you were busy? (And if you have been invited with only 3 weeks to go, you must be replacement guests for someone who's dropped out?).

I have to agree with PP that going to the church and then leaving will be twisted as you storming out of the wedding part way through, bride in tears, blah blah blah. You won't know whether that is actually what's happened and it will become family lore that it did.

I absolutely would not involve your children in this, what message is it sending to them that this person can abuse you repeatedly to your face in front of them, but you still have to pander to him by showing up for his wedding?

I would simply decline, send a card and a gift, and leave it at that.

I agree that would be a mistake.

What 'duty as a sister' do you think you and your children owe to someone who has shouted abuse at them.

I also agree there's every chance he will use it (going to the church but not the reception) against you.