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Original poster

Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

164 replies

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:39

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time.

Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years.

Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite.

I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day.

WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 16/01/2023 14:04

A wedding is not the time or the place for a reconciliation. If he really wants you there, he should make a plan to meet privately beforehand to clear the air and then use the wedding as the start of a fresh chapter. I suspect you have had an invite because he wants to have more of his family at the church as he feels embarrassed to have so few compared to hers. Sounds daft but I have heard of this happening before. The estranged person found themselves marooned and ignored at the whole wedding. It's not something I would put myself through.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:04

I just really would love someone with me, not that the kids glaring at each other over the table wont be entertainment enough but another adult would be lovely. Every other person there will be in a couple.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 16/01/2023 14:05

I would decline invite but send a nice card with voucher wishing them well. I'd leave teenagers to do as they please, to go or not go as they pleased. I think you would feel awkward if you went not having seen him for 3 years and without your partner.

Dodecaheidyin · 16/01/2023 14:05

You are under no obligation to go, OP, you owe him nothing. The fact that he's had numerous fallings out speaks volumes. From what you say it sounds more like he has ulterior motives for inviting you, not because he wants to see you and heal any rift, which he would have done before now if that's what he wanted.

Feel no guilt if you don't go. If your parents want to glare at each other that's up to them, it's not up to you to try and make things right. If I were you I'd bugger off somewhere for the day/weekend with my DH and children making memories and not sit fretting about effing families 😉

Mari9999 · 16/01/2023 14:06

I would imagine that your kids want to go to the wedding. Your social anxiety should not be a problem if your kids are there.

This event does not involve your partner at all. He is in no way being disrespected, and your going is in no way disrespecting him. If anything, he should be relieved not to have to witness your family's dysfunction first hand.

Can you not give up a few hours of one day, to permit your kids to share in their uncle' s joy? It sounds as though he has a positive relationship with your children.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:06

krustykittens · 16/01/2023 14:04

A wedding is not the time or the place for a reconciliation. If he really wants you there, he should make a plan to meet privately beforehand to clear the air and then use the wedding as the start of a fresh chapter. I suspect you have had an invite because he wants to have more of his family at the church as he feels embarrassed to have so few compared to hers. Sounds daft but I have heard of this happening before. The estranged person found themselves marooned and ignored at the whole wedding. It's not something I would put myself through.

I think this is what I am afraid of that I will be there for the numbers and the pictures and ignored after that which is why I would love if DP was invited as I would have someones shoulder to cry on if it did happen.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/01/2023 14:06

As it is my divorced parents will be sitting there glaring at each other and the rest of the invites are her side.

Ahhh, it all becomes clear.

She's said to him "How many people are going to be there from your side?"
He's said "2, mum and dad"
She's said "My family will think it's really weird that you don't have anyone else, send out some invites, you need X more"
So he's sent exactly that number, you + kids.

Don't even think about going. If he truly wanted you there, he would have reached out long before this to bury the hatchet.

applecartsonthehill · 16/01/2023 14:07

LadyDanburysHat · 16/01/2023 14:01

I don't honestly get why you are giving this head space. Don't go, and your kids don't go. Why would you want to be at the wedding of someone who won't speak to you

This^

Whether your partner can go because they don't know about them isn't really the issue IMO.

dontleaveitthere · 16/01/2023 14:10

Actually I wouldn't go.

Why would you go to someone's wedding when they've still got you blocked?!

It's not the ice breaker you're looking for. Otherwise the invite would be the time to instigate talking so your first words after three years won't be in a public space on his wedding day (where you'll feel beholden to keep the peace)

I don't think he's being genuine in building a bridge with you and rekindling your relationship. Otherwise you would have spoken and not be blocked.

I think you're right. He wants you there because of your kids. And fuck that.

Sorry. But he doesn't really want you there. Probably knows how stressful you'd find it on your own. And doesn't care.

Snail mail decline with some nicety about having a nice day and say the door is always open if he wants to chat

krustykittens · 16/01/2023 14:11

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:06

I think this is what I am afraid of that I will be there for the numbers and the pictures and ignored after that which is why I would love if DP was invited as I would have someones shoulder to cry on if it did happen.

Show quote history

Oh, OP. Why put yourself through this? He has to meet you halfway to have a relationship. Don't let someone hurt you in the hope that they will stop it by themselves.

REP22 · 16/01/2023 14:13

My advice would be to not go. Last year a friend went to a wedding of a NC family member as they felt "it was the right thing to do". It ended up with the NC relative having a massive go at her in front of everyone at the reception, in the cruellest of terms. That was months ago and she's still feeling humiliated and devastated.

I'm sorry you have this hassle in your life. Best wishes to you.

Zanatdy · 16/01/2023 14:15

If you want to reconcile then I’d go. It’s not disrespectful for you to go when your partner has never met your DB

BridieConvert · 16/01/2023 14:19

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/01/2023 14:06

As it is my divorced parents will be sitting there glaring at each other and the rest of the invites are her side.

Ahhh, it all becomes clear.

She's said to him "How many people are going to be there from your side?"
He's said "2, mum and dad"
She's said "My family will think it's really weird that you don't have anyone else, send out some invites, you need X more"
So he's sent exactly that number, you + kids.

Don't even think about going. If he truly wanted you there, he would have reached out long before this to bury the hatchet.

Agree with this!
The fact he has no friends and no-one else going speaks VOLUMES.

Do not go to this wedding.

Dodecaheidyin · 16/01/2023 14:20

This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Future SIL, if you're here, look at the other side of your fiance's story ...

WallaceinAnderland · 16/01/2023 14:23

I would politely decline but offer to meet with him another time if he would like to see you. Then just leave it at that.

gannett · 16/01/2023 14:28

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:06

I think this is what I am afraid of that I will be there for the numbers and the pictures and ignored after that which is why I would love if DP was invited as I would have someones shoulder to cry on if it did happen.

Show quote history

If you fear the invite is just for show, and not a genuine olive branch, you shouldn't go.

You should find this out before you accept the invite. After a long period of NC it'd be perfectly reasonable for you to reach out now and ask what the deal is with the invite. Does he want to reconcile? If so, then the reconciliation can and should happen before the wedding. If he doesn't want to do that, then I'm afraid the likelihood is that it's just for show, and you have your answer.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/01/2023 14:30

I think you should go. It's just one day, you're an adult, you don't need an emotional support person to go to an event. If it's awful, you go NC again. It could be a great opportunity to build bridges.

Rainbowshine · 16/01/2023 14:31

As @WallaceinAnderland said, politely decline but offer to meet with him another time and then just leave it.

I think the fact that you’re thinking about it so much would tell me that you might want to consider counselling or support of some description to help you with setting boundaries around your family given the history and circumstances.

GenuinelyDone · 16/01/2023 14:38

You've attempted reconciliation, your brother really isn't interested especially as he hasn't unblocked you on social media.

You are only welcome to save his embarrassment of only having feuding parents as his family at the wedding. You will not be made to feel welcome, at all.

Save yourself the distress and cost and stay away. I'd only politely decline so they couldn't claim I hadn't RSVP'd.

Mittens1717 · 16/01/2023 14:47

I would not go, it's just plain rude not to invite your partner whether he has never met him or not, I would send a card wishing them well and leave it at that

BliainNua · 16/01/2023 14:48

Personally, I think you'd be mad to go. If he actually wanted to reconcile he would have 1) approached you to clear the air before issuing invitation and 2) unblocked you do you could rsvp.
Not sure what his real motives are; are your parents putting pressure on him to invite you? Does he just want to up the numbers? Anyway sounds to me like you'll stress yourself out beforehand and then have a miserable day anyway. Just don't go. If you are feeling magnanimous send a card wishing them well & leave the door open for a honest discussion another time.

3beesinmybonnet · 16/01/2023 14:52

Grrr wrote a long post which disappeared.
But basically he's using you to make himself look less of a billy no mates at his wedding. Suspect he'll ignore you all day.
Write and ask him if he now wants to be friends and tell him you'd like him to meet your DP.

mikulkin · 16/01/2023 14:52

OP, in kindest way you are concentrating on wrong issue. You and your teen kids who live with you got separate invites, you are still blocked on the phone. These are the real issues not whether your DP is invited. Why are you even contemplating to go?

toomuchwin · 16/01/2023 14:58

If you want to go then go. Personally I doubt you'll reconcile because you are already looking for reasons to be upset. Not having a partner they've never met on the invite really isn't a huge deal. You are creating extra drama because you think you'll be 'alone' (despite having your kids there). If it's terrible you can always leave.
I can understand not inviting people they've never met to their wedding. I am still a bit annoyed I invited a few plus ones to mine who I didn't know and they were either not seen again or caused issues. Most people aren't joint at the hip.
Tbh maybe they are expecting you to decline anyway.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:58

REP22 · 16/01/2023 14:13

My advice would be to not go. Last year a friend went to a wedding of a NC family member as they felt "it was the right thing to do". It ended up with the NC relative having a massive go at her in front of everyone at the reception, in the cruellest of terms. That was months ago and she's still feeling humiliated and devastated.

I'm sorry you have this hassle in your life. Best wishes to you.

This is what my eldest are worried about. For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding. I do not want or need it again. My life is going amazingly and I think I am worried this exact thing will happen.

OP posts:
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