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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

164 replies

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 13:39

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here...

Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time.

Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years.

Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite.

I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day.

WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 16/01/2023 15:00

if you ever want to reconcile go, maybe don’t stay late but go and I presume there are other family members that can support you. If you don’t go it’s probably the end of any chance of reconciliation.

Rowen32 · 16/01/2023 15:00

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:06

I think this is what I am afraid of that I will be there for the numbers and the pictures and ignored after that which is why I would love if DP was invited as I would have someones shoulder to cry on if it did happen.

Show quote history

I really wouldn't go. Was in similar position and know it would have set me back years in terms of coping, am so glad I didn't put myself through it. Was I invited purely for aesthetics, if he wanted to reconcile he'd have done so by now. Don't do it to yourself, I would have looked weak and foolish, am so glad I didn't bend.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 15:01

Rainbowshine · 16/01/2023 14:31

As @WallaceinAnderland said, politely decline but offer to meet with him another time and then just leave it.

I think the fact that you’re thinking about it so much would tell me that you might want to consider counselling or support of some description to help you with setting boundaries around your family given the history and circumstances.

I am currently in therapy as I was not raised in a normal functioning family and my DP is the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. Amazing man genuinely.

I am erring on the side of not going but sending a gift and card and leaving it at that.

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 16/01/2023 15:01

He might have forgotten he's blocked you if he did it in a snit several years ago. I'd probably reply with a card/letter saying me and the kids would love to come and celebrate with you and get to know your future wife and in-laws. Then go along and do that. Having met his new family can only help build bridges in future, and prevent him badmouthing you to them as they'll have seen you in real life.

ADHDeee · 16/01/2023 15:04

For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding.
Why in the ever loving fuck would you go then? Your children have been scarred by your family and you're still contemplating it, while crying about your DP not getting an invite? Christ alive, it's fucking obvious you shouldn't go nor should you let your children anywhere near this shit show.

northernstars · 16/01/2023 15:12

I went to my sisters wedding after years of NC. I went as everyone said I should. She didn't speak or even make eye contact with me the whole time and I learned my lesson the tough way.
My NC mother invited me to her second wedding after years of NC. I reckoned she asked me so she didn't have to explain my job-attendance. I didn't go and she's never reached out since.
I'd highly recommend talking to him beforehand. Can you contact him through your SIL?

Shunkleisshiny · 16/01/2023 15:12

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 14:58

This is what my eldest are worried about. For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding. I do not want or need it again. My life is going amazingly and I think I am worried this exact thing will happen.

Show quote history

Your children are very wise, listen to them. Don't bring toxicity back into your nice life

I am nc with a sibling, and I don't want to be on the same planet as them, never mind the same room.

euff · 16/01/2023 15:14

For a couple of years every time DB had a few drinks he would shout abuse at me in front of everyone including my kids and they did not cope with it well but I thought they had forgotten by now but it was the first thing they said when i told them about the wedding.

I wouldn't go because of this. He hasn't apologised for this behaviour to you or your children. Going to me kind of brushes it under the carpet.

Daisymaker · 16/01/2023 15:24

I wouldn't be going

Daisymaker · 16/01/2023 15:25

And I wouldn't be letting my kids go to the wedding of someone who thought it was okay to scream and shout at me in front of them

CantGetDecentNickname · 16/01/2023 15:27

From the OP "I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding."

Please don't pay any attention to what other people think you should do, please go with what you want to do which in your own words is "I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me" which sounds sensible.

From the things you have said later on, he can't be trusted to behave and has traumatised your DC in the past. Please protect them from him by not taking them. Why are you even considering going to an event hosted by someone who has deliberately ignored you at other events? You don't owe him anything. Not a response, nor a card, nor a gift.

You are still blocked so cannot even reply to the invite! This confirms that he has only invited you as not doing so makes him look bad and he wants to be able to blame you if you don't turn up rather than accept that this could be down to his ignoring you for years. You won't be able to trust that he would be polite to you and he hasn't invited your DP as you will then be alone and defenceless as everyone else will be in couples. It is his way of being "one-up" on you and pick on you if he feels like it. Ignore what others say, those who know him will understand why you aren't there and anyone who encourages you to go is probably just wanting some drama in their life.

I'd recommend quietly ignoring the invitation. If anyone asks if you are going, you can say that you were blocked on social media and phone numbers so couldn't respond and assumed you weren't really welcome. I'd not respond to the kids invite either or put them through what could be yet another unpleasant experience.

If you have some (mad) desire to see him wed, then, if it is in a Church, you and your DP could arrive just before the start and sit quietly at the back - they can't bar people from a Church! After that go straight home and not attend any of the events after.

AnekeSchuss · 16/01/2023 15:27

No brainer, don’t go

OriginalUsername2 · 16/01/2023 15:29

He’s got some cheek hasn’t he?!

CantGetDecentNickname · 16/01/2023 15:30

Meant to add that he has just invited you in order to say to others that he has. He is saving face. Don't rise to it. Ignore completely - don't bother to send a card. In the future, it means you won't ever feel obliged to invite him to any of your events.

Original poster
Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 15:32

Thanks all. I have spoken to both my parents. One is adamant I go and be the bigger person and the other has just said do what I want. God families can be so difficult.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 16/01/2023 15:33

Don’t go and don’t send then anything either. Doormat behaviour must stop.

If your DB really wants to reconcile he can phone and apologise.

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 15:35

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 15:32

Thanks all. I have spoken to both my parents. One is adamant I go and be the bigger person and the other has just said do what I want. God families can be so difficult.

Is the one adamant you go also adamant that your brother phones you to apologise and make up?

Or are they just relying on you to cover up the dysfunction that they don’t want other side seeing?

Nosleepforthismum · 16/01/2023 15:38

I would go. Exactly as they have asked, on my own and without my DP. I would try to be the bigger person here especially as reconciliation is something you would like. I think they are being petty not inviting your DP but I would pretend as though it has not bothered you at all and respond enthusiastically and have a great time. If it’s a genuine olive branch, they will appreciate you going and hopefully you can work on the reconciliation you desire afterwards. If they are inviting you without your DP in the hope that you’ll decline but they can still look like the better person for inviting you, it’ll piss them off no end to see you enjoying yourself at their expense. Win, win in my opinion.

LadyHarmby · 16/01/2023 15:42

If the wedding is in three weeks, that’s short notice so you can easily say you can’t make it.

Don’t go but send a card wishing them well on the big day, saying you were grateful for the invite and you’d love to meet with them at a later date to buy them dinner to celebrate their wedding and meet your DP. Then the ball’s in their court.

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 15:43

Nosleepforthismum · 16/01/2023 15:38

I would go. Exactly as they have asked, on my own and without my DP. I would try to be the bigger person here especially as reconciliation is something you would like. I think they are being petty not inviting your DP but I would pretend as though it has not bothered you at all and respond enthusiastically and have a great time. If it’s a genuine olive branch, they will appreciate you going and hopefully you can work on the reconciliation you desire afterwards. If they are inviting you without your DP in the hope that you’ll decline but they can still look like the better person for inviting you, it’ll piss them off no end to see you enjoying yourself at their expense. Win, win in my opinion.

Lose lose in mine.

dontleaveitthere · 16/01/2023 15:44

Nosleepforthismum · 16/01/2023 15:38

I would go. Exactly as they have asked, on my own and without my DP. I would try to be the bigger person here especially as reconciliation is something you would like. I think they are being petty not inviting your DP but I would pretend as though it has not bothered you at all and respond enthusiastically and have a great time. If it’s a genuine olive branch, they will appreciate you going and hopefully you can work on the reconciliation you desire afterwards. If they are inviting you without your DP in the hope that you’ll decline but they can still look like the better person for inviting you, it’ll piss them off no end to see you enjoying yourself at their expense. Win, win in my opinion.

You would go even though the last time db saw them and got drunk he shouted abuse and ops kids remember this and are (presumably) scared of this happening again?

I'd be steering well clear of him

And making sure my kids are not around such abusive behaviour

Op. I would stick to the therapy. It's concerning you're even this undecided about exposing yourself and your kids to this abusive behaviour again

CPL593H · 16/01/2023 15:50

Effingfamilies · 16/01/2023 15:32

Thanks all. I have spoken to both my parents. One is adamant I go and be the bigger person and the other has just said do what I want. God families can be so difficult.

You are old enough to have teenage children. You don't actually have to do what your parents tell you you know.

Ponderingwindow · 16/01/2023 15:50

I was going to say olive branch, blah blah, take the opportunity, blah blah, Social anxiety camaraderie you can do this, blah blah

If that is how your kids know your db, as a drunken bully, the real question here is should your teens be attending this wedding. The answer to that is a resounding no.

longtompot · 16/01/2023 15:52

Having been to a wedding of a family member (dhs side) where we weren't on speaking terms, I wouldn't go. I was very pregnant, had a young dd with us, it was a very hot day, and it was just so uncomfortable. Some relatives did speak to us, but it was clear the siblings weren't happy with us being there, despite being invited. I guess they felt they had to.

Mirabai · 16/01/2023 15:57

If he really wanted to reconcile he would have reached out to you to bury the hatchet and then invited you. That’s what any normal person would do.

You don’t invite someone when you’re not talking to them.

It’s very clear from that that he’s only invited you for appearance’s sake.