Page 6 | Invited to wedding of NC sibling - WWYD?

Effingfamilies · 2023-01-16T13:39:06+00:00

Namechanged but here years. This could be outing if future SIL is on here... Some years ago my DB went NC with me after a series of arguments. It has been about 3 years now which is the same amount of time I am with my partner. DB has refused to talk to me or acknowledge me in any way all that time. Surprisingly I have been given a wedding invite to his wedding but the invite is only for me and no plus one. It is a small wedding where everyone else will have their significant other with them but mine is not invited as DB and SIL have never met him due to them not speaking to me or seeing me in these years. Firstly I have social anxiety at the best of times and do not really want to go to the wedding of people who do not speak to me but I have been told by friends and other family that I really should go to this wedding. Thing is I really want my partner there, he is my best friend and my crutch really in life but the numbers are limited and he is not on the invite. I was thinking that i go to the ceremony but not the dinner rather than not go at all and rather than leaving dp home when I am out at a family celebration he is excluded from and then just go home to him and we could raise a glass to them together. Am i unreasonable to do this? I love this man with all my heart and I feel I am disrespecting him and our relationship by not bringing him but I cannot ask people who do not speak to me to include him as it is their day. WWYD? Would you do something different or do as I am thinking or just not go at all? I have wanted a reconciliation for years just to add as I hate bad feeling between people.

ImBlueDab · 17/01/2023 09:51

You do know that you'll get dragged into the photos and not be able to slip out whilst they are being done, that's the inky reason they want you there. OP you've been conditioned to please these people. Why on Earth would you go to the wedding of someone who's abused you. Would you go if you weren't related - of course not.

coconutpie · 17/01/2023 10:06

It would be a mistake even going to the church. You do not have any "duty as a sister". Why would you attend the wedding of someone you are NC with? He still had you blocked so you can't contact him. I would just completely ignore the invitation, do not waste your time or money buying a card or a gift either. He will just think you are a fool buying him presents when he does not speak to you. He does not deserve your time or effort. I suggest you use your next therapy session on building higher boundaries so that you can work through why you felt you needed to attend this wedding.

I'm sure as well that your teens think he is horrible if they have memories of him shouting abuse at you when he's drunk. You should be protecting them from him, not encouraging a relationship.

TicketMasterMind · 17/01/2023 10:11

He’s on a power trip.

This isn’t any attempt at reconciliation.

It’s just more subjugation and abuse wrapped up in confetti and obligation.

dontleaveitthere · 17/01/2023 10:43

Mirabai · 17/01/2023 08:12

Big mistake. DB will see it as a public snub and attention seeking for you to turn up but not attend his wedding. It will simply escalate the situation. It’s such a weird thing to do anyway I can sort of see his point so you will simply be putting yourself in the wrong. It’s difficult to imagine anyone this naive, frankly.

As your teens cba to go it’s hard to see why you’re making this into a big drama. You say they’re not bothered about the church either - and that’s the most boring bit for teens - so just don’t send them.

This

You're trying for the best of both worlds. And you can't do that with an abuser

I can't think why you think bringing your kids into this at all is a good idea.

emptythelitterbox · 17/01/2023 10:51

I wouldn't go since he's been verbally abusive to you and traumatized your children.

Just send a card and gift. That's more than enough.

Starlitestarbright · 17/01/2023 10:54

You would be called worse than shit if you just go to the church, either go properly or not at all..given the history I wouldn't attend.

Original poster

Effingfamilies · 17/01/2023 10:54

So I had a dream/nightmare last night about all this last night and lets just say it brought back some of the memories of things DB has said to me over the years when he has been shouting at me etc and I woke up in tears and a sweat. DP then asked me what is wrong so we both sat down with a coffee and discussed it at length first thing this morning and he has now gone and booked me, he, my kids and his kids on a long weekend away the same weekend as my brothers wedding. We will not be in the country, we will be sunning ourselves abroad instead.

I have just been to the post office and RSVP'd with a decline and nothing else, no reason just ticked the no box on both invites and I am not sending a card nor gift now either. My own mantra over the years when he sent gifts to me (for bdays etc even though not talking to me) was 'I want your presence not your presents' so I am going to stick with this and send nothing.

Again thank you all. I really have found this helpful.

OP posts:

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 17/01/2023 10:58

So glad you resolved it this way, @Effingfamilies. I hope you all have a lovely long week-end away!

Myotherpetisamouse · 17/01/2023 11:00

What a great outcome and a lovely time away as a bonus!

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 11:03

@Effingfamilies

What a nice partner you have to book a long weekend abroad.

However, I'm surprised to hear you were receiving presents if tour brother wasn't talking to you. Can you elaborate please?

Original poster

Effingfamilies · 17/01/2023 11:08

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 11:03

@Effingfamilies

What a nice partner you have to book a long weekend abroad.

However, I'm surprised to hear you were receiving presents if tour brother wasn't talking to you. Can you elaborate please?

He is brilliant to be fair to him.

Yeah he would send gifts for my bday or xmas 'from the kids'. Just token things but they are all still in a pile in my dads place as I never accepted them.

OP posts:

rightsaidfreddie · 17/01/2023 11:11

@Effingfamilies

I suppose the fact that your brother sent you gifts has shed a different light on things for me as he wasn't therefore strictly NC with you.

However you definitely shouldn't have to put up with a sibling who shouts at you!

Original poster

Effingfamilies · 17/01/2023 11:15

Sends me gifts but totally ignores me the rest of the time. As i said we were raised with dysfunction so we clearly both have things about us that are people pleaser ways and maybe thats his way.

Anyway he knows where I live if he ever wants to talk but for now I am going to work on losing two stone in the next two weeks for this holiday lol

OP posts:

AlwaysAReason · 17/01/2023 11:19

Sounds like a difficult situation all around, but your partner sounds lovely and I hope you enjoy your holiday!

ImBlueDab · 17/01/2023 11:38

Well done op, and how lovely your dh is .

MingeofDeath · 17/01/2023 12:47

If you are seeing the wedding as an opportunity to reconcile with DB then go. If not, I don't know why you are even thinking of going.

LadyDanburysHat · 17/01/2023 12:54

This is the perfect resolution OP. I hope you have a wonderful weekend away with your DP and kids.

Mirabai · 17/01/2023 13:44

Result!

REP22 · 17/01/2023 14:02

@Effingfamilies What a lovely person your DP is, I'm so glad he is supporting you. I think you've made the right decision. Don't let your "D"B live or take up space in your head unless you are charging him rent.

I hope you have a lovely holiday. Stay strong and every good wish to you. x

billy1966 · 17/01/2023 14:12

LadyDanburysHat · 17/01/2023 12:54

This is the perfect resolution OP. I hope you have a wonderful weekend away with your DP and kids.

Great result.

What a nice partner.

asphaltl · 17/01/2023 14:38

Brilliant result OP. Hope you enjoy your holiday.

WickedStepmomNOT · 17/01/2023 16:51

Effingfamilies · 17/01/2023 10:54

So I had a dream/nightmare last night about all this last night and lets just say it brought back some of the memories of things DB has said to me over the years when he has been shouting at me etc and I woke up in tears and a sweat. DP then asked me what is wrong so we both sat down with a coffee and discussed it at length first thing this morning and he has now gone and booked me, he, my kids and his kids on a long weekend away the same weekend as my brothers wedding. We will not be in the country, we will be sunning ourselves abroad instead.

I have just been to the post office and RSVP'd with a decline and nothing else, no reason just ticked the no box on both invites and I am not sending a card nor gift now either. My own mantra over the years when he sent gifts to me (for bdays etc even though not talking to me) was 'I want your presence not your presents' so I am going to stick with this and send nothing.

Again thank you all. I really have found this helpful.

Just seen this - great solution from your great partner - have a fantastic time. Oh, and good luck with those 'stones'.. 😎

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2023 15:54

Brilliant solution from your DP!

And perfect decision to leave those Pass-Agg gifts where they are.

TicketMasterMind · 18/01/2023 16:12

Effingfamilies · 17/01/2023 10:54

So I had a dream/nightmare last night about all this last night and lets just say it brought back some of the memories of things DB has said to me over the years when he has been shouting at me etc and I woke up in tears and a sweat. DP then asked me what is wrong so we both sat down with a coffee and discussed it at length first thing this morning and he has now gone and booked me, he, my kids and his kids on a long weekend away the same weekend as my brothers wedding. We will not be in the country, we will be sunning ourselves abroad instead.

I have just been to the post office and RSVP'd with a decline and nothing else, no reason just ticked the no box on both invites and I am not sending a card nor gift now either. My own mantra over the years when he sent gifts to me (for bdays etc even though not talking to me) was 'I want your presence not your presents' so I am going to stick with this and send nothing.

Again thank you all. I really have found this helpful.

So I had a dream/nightmare last night about all this last night and lets just say it brought back some of the memories of things DB has said to me over the years when he has been shouting at me etc and I woke up in tears and a sweat.

At least your subconscious has stored the reality to remind you of his abuse and impact despite the FOG of social / sister duty driving the wrong response (compliance).

This is a great outcome and it shows your DC that you listen to them and that we should never appease the abuser. We should walk - they will never change.

You have no need to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) your decision to anyone - keep it light - close it down “already booked to go away”.

Have a blast and enjoy the next 3 weeks looking forward to something positive rather than spending the next 3 weeks with escalating anxiety.

OriginalUsername2 · 18/01/2023 16:48

Your DP is a champ!