Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

Why stay with him.hes making you all miserable but more than that he's actually being cruel.
This isn't living with someone with depression.no no they don't act like that.its not that type of masking he's doing.
He's actively hurting you all,being spiteful.not being a dad.belirtling you all.your kids are already suffering please make this stop.they have no-one to stop this.and it will be harming them.every single day you stay it breaking a piece off them.youve mentioned a fair few times of them saying things about dad.they notice,feel it and are needing you to take this away. Your their protector.
Your also in the great position to be financially ok.thats such a head start on soooo many woman forced to stay.stuck.
Depressed people aren't high and jolly and fantastic bum and outside of the home then actively shit heads to their family.they may have a mask that then once home they are able to show there sadness or vulnerability.but your th is just horrid to you.talkinh and acting to the boys like that.nah.thats a nasty man.
Shouting.abusive.
Tell him to get out.
You can be happy without him you know.
Your boys deff will be.

Good luck today OP, stay strong.

That will have a profound and powerful effect on them. Their self esteem, confidence and relationships will be affected. This dynamic could even contribute to them suffering depression and mental illness when they are older*
*
I think I can attest to this ^^. I know that in his way my dad loves me but I can in my 40's tell you that I started feel 'less than' around him from the age of 8.

As well as writing down his behaviours/ keeping a diary of them also consider writing down his contribution to family life or the things he does not contribute to. All the things, who pays the mortgage, utilities, food, cars, kids activities etc. who does all the shopping, cleaning. Who makes all kid's appointments and gets them there. Who reads to the kids and helps with homework and so on.

All the best op. It will be hard but when you come out the other side you and your DC will be better off.

I could probably forgive an affair but not the way he treats you and worse your sons on a daily basis.

Hi OP, I dipped in and out of this thread yesterday but have just caught up. I can totally see why you’re numb - it’s a defence mechanism to get you through daily family life. I wish you all the best with your first steps seeing a solicitor today. I have a child similar age to your eldest. They’re very intuitive and perceptive, a lot more than we (and I) often give credit for so believe me he’s taking note of this odious behaviour.
use this platform as support moving forward, the advice here is invaluable. Take care x

I just want to join in to wish you good luck today with your solicitor appointment. Life with your H sounds excruciating and miserable and he is behaving cruelly. He is denying his family the natural love and affection a good father should provide. Pp's are right this will do so much harm to your poor kids. How much happier you will be as a threesome. Xx

Cancelled my birthday meal and disappeared to Glastonbury with a friend for a weekend

Didn't get me any gifts at all this Christmas from him or from the boys

Told the plumber, that I was controlling and he had no time for himself at all.

Tells people to watch out for me bragging about my 'cool' job. (I hardly every talk about my work, other than trying to plan timings for school things. I never refer to it as cool.

God, he’s just really contemptuous/jealous of you isnt he OP?

Awful, awful man.

I hope you are going to your solicitor appointment today? Please find the strength to at least go and discuss things and see what they have to say.

OP good luck today. Hold your nerve. Remember, you hold all the cards. He's probably having an affair and is making your life utterly miserable. He's contributing NOTHING to your shared life - in fact, he;s a sponger finalncially and emotionally. You and your kids will be so much more content without him. It''l be his loss.

I think he doesn't want to be seen to be walking out on his family and be the 'bad guy'.

This is the crux of it, he wants you to chuck him out so he can tell everyone that "She's chucked me out" so he won't look bad, but you will especially in the eyes of his parents, in his head it will absolve him of any guilt, in a twisted way though. Even so, he still needs to leave, his behaviour is abusive to you and the boys..

Just checked in on the thread and wanted to say that I hope you get some strength from your meeting with your solicitor today!

Another thought that occurred to me after your last update. You not only need to be prepared for him to be really nasty when you ask him to leave (as previous posters have mentioned) but also for him to start performance parenting. He’ll do this to fit his narrative that he’s the injured party and to sustain the image he has of himself - he’ll also be panicking about what other people think of him and will do everything he can to paint himself as the poor man whose crazy wife is ‘depriving him’ of his kids. That’s why it’s important to have your examples and evidence of his appalling behaviour to hand so that you can contradict him with facts.

Good luck for today - hoping that even just talking it over with someone in real life will give you a fresh perspective and enable you to move forward.

Be prepared for him thinking he can control the narrative of what happened - he will give out his version of the story to anyone who'll listen (I mean, he's already started with the bloody plumber!) in which you are the wicked witch of the west and he is the wounded bird victim.

Let him.

You know it's all balls. And as a PP said, the truth always comes out in the end. Keep your eyes on the prize: a pillockectomy.

P.S. Secure people don't feel the need to tear others down. I'm wondering if he resents being the lower earner, feels emasculated, and is trying to shore up his limp self-esteem with dick-swinging piggery. When a secure man with good self esteem would take pride in being a teacher, father and supportive husband.

It's natural to be terrified, it's a big thing! But you have all of us in your corner 💐you're doing so bloody well, you should be so proud of yourself.

Good luck, you can do this you strong wonderful woman

I hope you've been to your appointment and had good advice.

FWIW I think your relationship is damaging to both you and your children. I hope you find the courage to separate from him as it doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing.

P.S. The other thing that helped me was that once I had decided to end it I didn't allow myself to care what other people thought about me or the situation, as he used that to manipulate me.

Excellent comment here from @creativevoid .

Bugger anyone else's opinion. You aren't in this to make friends - you're doing it to provide a loving, safe environment for your children.

If you get a chance, try to record art least one of his rants. You may not be able to use it in the negotiations, but it will let your solicitor see what you are up against.

How did you get on @WhereAreYouKeir ?

Therapy isn’t a punishment or slur it’s a beneficial luxury if it can be afforded. Needing therapy is for support and shouldn’t be viewed as a negative thing indicating that someone is mad or weak.

No therapy isn’t a punishment… but they are using it as a punishment implying that something is wrong with the OP. Nothing is wrong with the OP and she’s justified in her feelings. She’s being gaslit. Her OH and his family are abusive.

But why do so many men do this? It is quite bizarre. What happened to these men to be like this? And why so many women prepared to be the other one and wait until the wife kicks their affair partner out? Are there just loads of desperate single women out there prepared to put themselves in this position. Baffling

I'm fully aware of that, but unfortunately OP's PiL's are not, as they have weaponised the notion of therapy in an attempt to present OP as damaged - because their gaslighting son can do not wrong.

how did your appointment go? Just remember this is what your DC are seeing as a healthy relationship- it wont bode for them in future relationships

@WhereAreYouKeir Hope you are doing OK, how was the appointment?

UPDATE 17th Jan 2023

Thank you all for your support, wise words, transparency and anger on my behalf.

I had the solicitor appointment on Friday morning. It was rather odd although I don't know what I had expected. The solicitor I was due to meet was sick and I met her colleague. He was quite blunt.
I wanted to know about options about staying in the home, childcare for the children, visits, and what separation responsibilities could be.

He questioned all my thinking. I took my online diary with me to show what I feel is evidence of Dh behaviour escalating and neglect of family life, esp, our boys.

He said that the diary was just my opinion on how I was feeling that day, the patterns didn't show anything. Maybe I was already in a pattern of negative thinking and maybe I was the one who was depressed. This is why I can't find anything positive to mention about my marriage.

He said it was very common for high-earning women to prioritise their work and de-prioritise family life. Perhaps DH was suffering from my excessive work commitments and he felt neglected whilst I only thought about the children.

But the children come first, I wanted to shout.

And I'm thinking of what they need and doing right by them.

He said a weekend away or therapy might help us shape a future plan together and I need to accept my role in the marriage suffering.
I took some notes, but I am honestly more confused than anything else.

Thanks for being patient with me. Both DS have had sickness bugs since Sunday and I've been off line with all that going on.

I'm in two minds about talking to another firm. They might say the same thing.

I think I'd complain about that solicitor, that is bizarre.