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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ignorance is no longer bliss

541 replies

WhereAreYouKeir · 11/01/2023 21:29

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

OP posts:
watchfulwishes · 17/01/2023 12:33

Definitely see another firm, and see a woman.

MotherOfHouseplants · 17/01/2023 12:33

Please see another solicitor, OP. That one sounds very unprofessional.

Inkpotlover · 17/01/2023 12:33

WTAF! I would absolutely book to see another firm – it sounds like that solicitor was massively projecting his personal opinion.

untilgertie · 17/01/2023 12:34

Awful solicitor. WTF was he thinking?!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/01/2023 12:35

Sorry
your Soliciter is shit
had to say that as I’m upset to read this

when I split with ex WA recommended me a female friendly Soliciter firm

they were great
none of this make enabling ignorant bullshit

please consult another firm and ones that been recommended OP by other women

pm if you need mine , weren’t expensive and you you can consult then online if needed

TeaMistress · 17/01/2023 12:35

Please see another solicitor. The "advice" you have been given by this one is misogynistic and totally inappropriate.

Servalan · 17/01/2023 12:39

WTAF?!!! My mouth is hanging open in this belief

Taxistaxing · 17/01/2023 12:39

That sounds like someone who has their own shit going on. I don't know if you paid for the time or not, but regardless I would wait until the lady is back and have a quiet word with her and see if she can see you at no (extra) charge

PizzaDeliveryZ · 17/01/2023 12:40

What the hell!!!!! I hope you didn’t pay for that “advice”. Sounds like he’s probably got problems with his own wife!

georgarina · 17/01/2023 12:41

What the actual fuck? I would complain about that solicitor - blatant unprofessionalism and misogyny.

georgarina · 17/01/2023 12:41

And ask to see someone else.

perfectcolourfound · 17/01/2023 12:42

Please disregard everything that solicitor said. I took notes to my first solicitor's appointment, like you did, and they advised me that was all that was needed to evidence 'unreasonable behaviour' (as it was then).

There is no question that you have very good reason to divorice (I'd argue it's become a necessity for you and your children's wellbeing). In any case - isn't no fault divorce a thing now? (or about to be).

You know you need out of this marriage. You know he's unreasonable, selfish and puts himself first all the time. Any professional solicitor will accept that and give you advice. Don't let one bad solicitor put you off.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/01/2023 12:43

Oh no! You got a completely misogynistic solicitor! 😲
That's shocking, with little to go on he invalidated everything you were trying to say and turned it round to be all your fault.
Breathtakingly arrogant and unprofessional.
Any solicitor should listen, ask, listen ask some more... Then give calm advice on options.
Not tell you they know your sort, seen it before, poor guy isn't loved enough why don't you go and get therapy and drag your entirely unwilling to go to a couple's weekend. 🤯

80s · 17/01/2023 12:44

How bizarre - that kind of advice is not his job.
I'd also strongly recommend using a woman. I'm not in the UK so the system is slightly different - my exh and I "shared" a solicitor, and he insisted on choosing one that someone had recommended to him. I'd guess the "someone" was a woman, as the solicitor was female and she was brilliant. Made me feel very safe throughout the process. That's what you should feel with your solicitor, not silenced and reprimanded.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 17/01/2023 12:44

I did pay for the time. I complained on Saturday morning setting out that I felt I was not taken seriously and that the law services/ judiciary often have a negative bias towards women.
I've got some time tomorrow morning and will look for another firm.

OP posts:
Captainfairylights · 17/01/2023 12:45

That's insane! That solicitor is not only unprofessional, he sounds abusive.
It's even more important you see a good solicitor, or your confidence will suffer under all this gaslighting OP!
Make another appointment, and go in with factual questions about what will happen. You are not asking for approval for your decisions, you are asking to know your legal position.

80s · 17/01/2023 12:46

If you did pay, yes, ask for your money back. The cheek.

Original poster
WhereAreYouKeir · 17/01/2023 12:49

@Captainfairylights It did feel like the guy had his own nonsense going on. I was asked some bizarre stuff.
Did DH and I disagree what I was spending money on? Did I spend a lot on going out, clothes etc?
I don't but even if I did, it's not relevant to me looking for legal advice on my situation.

OP posts:
CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/01/2023 12:49

Captainfairylights · 17/01/2023 12:45

That's insane! That solicitor is not only unprofessional, he sounds abusive.
It's even more important you see a good solicitor, or your confidence will suffer under all this gaslighting OP!
Make another appointment, and go in with factual questions about what will happen. You are not asking for approval for your decisions, you are asking to know your legal position.

Another appointment with a completely different firm though of course.
Look for one that has had success with divorces where the female is the main bread winner.

SafferUpNorth · 17/01/2023 12:49

WTF!!! That solicitor is bang out of order and was being completely unprofessional!! I would complain to the head of the firm and ask for a refund, then go elsewhere. Try to get a recommendation.

80s · 17/01/2023 12:51

Ugh, what a dick. Hope it didn't upset you too much.

Tamarindtree · 17/01/2023 12:54

WhereAreYouKeir · 17/01/2023 12:26

UPDATE 17th Jan 2023

Thank you all for your support, wise words, transparency and anger on my behalf.

I had the solicitor appointment on Friday morning. It was rather odd although I don't know what I had expected. The solicitor I was due to meet was sick and I met her colleague. He was quite blunt.
I wanted to know about options about staying in the home, childcare for the children, visits, and what separation responsibilities could be.

He questioned all my thinking. I took my online diary with me to show what I feel is evidence of Dh behaviour escalating and neglect of family life, esp, our boys.

He said that the diary was just my opinion on how I was feeling that day, the patterns didn't show anything. Maybe I was already in a pattern of negative thinking and maybe I was the one who was depressed. This is why I can't find anything positive to mention about my marriage.

He said it was very common for high-earning women to prioritise their work and de-prioritise family life. Perhaps DH was suffering from my excessive work commitments and he felt neglected whilst I only thought about the children.

But the children come first, I wanted to shout.

And I'm thinking of what they need and doing right by them.

He said a weekend away or therapy might help us shape a future plan together and I need to accept my role in the marriage suffering.
I took some notes, but I am honestly more confused than anything else.

Thanks for being patient with me. Both DS have had sickness bugs since Sunday and I've been off line with all that going on.

I'm in two minds about talking to another firm. They might say the same thing.

He gave you a biased opinion. I would seek advice elsewhere as it sounds like he has his own personal issues and opinions that are swaying his professionalism.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 17/01/2023 12:57

He strayed a long way from solicitor advice there, he sounds like the Andrew Tate of marriage guidance!

euff · 17/01/2023 13:03

So sorry that you got a solicitor like that, he was awful. If you don't have any real life recommendations you can go off would it be worth posting in legal for recommendations you can check out in your general area?

Sandra1984 · 17/01/2023 13:06

WhereAreYouKeir · 17/01/2023 12:26

UPDATE 17th Jan 2023

Thank you all for your support, wise words, transparency and anger on my behalf.

I had the solicitor appointment on Friday morning. It was rather odd although I don't know what I had expected. The solicitor I was due to meet was sick and I met her colleague. He was quite blunt.
I wanted to know about options about staying in the home, childcare for the children, visits, and what separation responsibilities could be.

He questioned all my thinking. I took my online diary with me to show what I feel is evidence of Dh behaviour escalating and neglect of family life, esp, our boys.

He said that the diary was just my opinion on how I was feeling that day, the patterns didn't show anything. Maybe I was already in a pattern of negative thinking and maybe I was the one who was depressed. This is why I can't find anything positive to mention about my marriage.

He said it was very common for high-earning women to prioritise their work and de-prioritise family life. Perhaps DH was suffering from my excessive work commitments and he felt neglected whilst I only thought about the children.

But the children come first, I wanted to shout.

And I'm thinking of what they need and doing right by them.

He said a weekend away or therapy might help us shape a future plan together and I need to accept my role in the marriage suffering.
I took some notes, but I am honestly more confused than anything else.

Thanks for being patient with me. Both DS have had sickness bugs since Sunday and I've been off line with all that going on.

I'm in two minds about talking to another firm. They might say the same thing.

I absolutely can’t believe that jerk of a solicitor said that to you. You were asking for advice on were you legally stand with your husband, you were not looking for a priest
give you a sermon on how women should be subservient to their man. I would write a complaint to the manager if the firm in question and go to another solicitor.