Ignorance is no longer bliss

[WhereAreYouKeir]

I'm pretty confused about what is the best thing to do next and I'd like the sanity of strangers to help give my head a wobble.
DH started to withdraw from family life 17 months ago, it was very gradual and I guess I didn't see how bad it was until this Christmas.
Our boys are 7.5 and 5.5. DH is constantly irritated by the children and me.

To the extent the 7 year old says he's just mean or try to be extra quiet, (no bothering him in the morning).

There's no family time together, he actively avoids us. Hours at the gym, hours on his phone or doing some work project that is not needed (and doesn't warrant extra pay/time off/ recognition.) Basically avoiding us for hours.
He doesn't eat with us but will come in mid-meal and have toast leaving the boys to ask why isn't dad eating with us.

DH teaches in a primary school and has refused to look after the boys outside of term time. Just blank refused. He's doing things I'd expect someone to be doing who has no family commitments. London concerts, hours at the gym, hours on his phone. The bloody phone.

I'm the breadwinner and there's no bloody respite.
Work, children, housework, school admin.

Every time I bring something up, he says he wants to leave, says I'm a nightmare and don't make ANYONE happy. He shouts, raises his voice, slams doors, slams plates around, and of course, we all shut up.

He can go days without speaking to me at all.
I've tried to get him help for several months now. He has refused therapy and the GP. I've tried to get him to go to the GP for something else . His parents say they don't want to get involved. They tell me that I need therapy, I must have upset him.

His friends don't see the behaviour. He is super charming, affable, smooth with everyone else very nice. Helps the neighbours . And yet participates in absolutely nothing at home. No chores, no admin, nothing school related.
The boys and me see a very different side to everyone else.

He's ignored me now since Saturday because I pulled him up on shouting at the kids at bedtime. I'm still being cheerful with our boys but I'm ignoring his sulking for now.

Do I give him a deadline for seeing the GP or therapy? Every time I go out with the boys, I see parents working as a team to manage their kids and I get angry, with myself for not being able to change this shitshow that my kids are seeing.

exactLy. He sounded like an incel or maybe he’s a member of some patriarchal and very misogynistic religion. I would definitely make a complaint to the head of this solicitor firm about this man.

@WhereAreYouKeir

Just completely ignore him and get another couple of consultations with normal solicitors. I would put in a complaint to his firm as he seems to have legal service, couples therapy and his own baggage all mixed up. And say it’s quite put you off using their services.

😆👍🏼

So sorry you experienced this @WhereAreYouKeir - this guy was definitely transferring his own issues on to you. When I saw a solicitor for exactly the same reasons he was kind, listened, gave me a few comforting “oh yes I’ve seen his type before - wanting the bachelor life with no strings” which really validated my situation and feelings. Don’t get me wrong - he was factual and professional - but mixed in with some empathy. The guy you saw sounds like a total bellend. Please don’t let it impact on you and make you question your whole career / way of being in relationship. We do enough of that on our own in these situations and you don’t need someone like that making it worse. You’ve done nothing wrong other than work hard and provide. Good luck finding a professional objective solicitor. Sending love and strength…

@Whatnext2023 Thanks for sharing. I'm seeing someone on Friday morning now and will make a list of questions to look - what's the legal advice you can give me on this bit? Rather than asking, can you help me with this....

Over the last year I've found myself constantly apologising, second guessing, speculating more and more on pretty much anything. I can see now that this is the uncertainty and s**t home situation impacting me in this way.

I'm so decisive and measured at work. People would never guess how different home life is. Time for a self-pep talk and back to planning a different life 2023.

OP, I'm sorry you had such an unprofessional and seemingly misogynistic solicitor. I agree do complain to someone more senior at the firm you used, but you may also want to complain to the law society if you get no joy from that company.

www.lawsociety.org.uk/public/for-public-visitors/using-a-solicitor/complain-about-a-solicitor

Good luck - hope you manage to get someone who will behave the way they're supposed to and helps you get out of the current situation. 🌹

My jaw dropped reading your update. Please do report him as above.

He strayed a long way from solicitor advice there, he sounds like the Andrew Tate of marriage guidance!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

yes
its so bad you have to laugh hey

How incredible! Lawyers are meant to take instruction not offer 1950s advice!
have I got it wrong, but I thought no-fault divorce was a thing now - where one party can decide to divorce and the other can’t fight it? And then the financial and domestic arrangements are thrashed out?

Omg I can't believe the solicitor!

I can give you my (female) solicitor's info? She is fab- caring, supportive, no-nonsense, experienced. I haven't needed to meet her in person, just speak on the phone.

You do not need a 'reason' to get divorced since the advent of no-fault divorce!

You need a different solicitor preferably a woman experienced in divorce.

@WhereAreYouKeir Legally my situation is different in as much as we aren’t married… but everything else very similar (he is even a teacher!)

So my questions focused on how I could buy him out of the family home… what proportion was I entitled to? (Only 50% because we weren’t married), how do I go about getting the property fairly valued? (Average of 3 estate agent estimates), can I put a case for him letting me having more than 50%? (Yes), should I get our buyout agreement in writing in case he changes his mind as things potentially deteriorate over time and whilst I raise the money? (Yes, yes, yes!), how do I get the deeds in my sole name? (Land registry)

It’s also worth thinking about your will if you have one - sounds bleak but if something happened to you tomorrow - do you want him profiting?? No way. Change it or get one written that serves only you and your children asap.

I didn’t get into childcare arrangements with my solicitor because my ex seems quite happy for me to have them - aside from a few hours mid week and on the weekend. Funny that! But I’m happy with that too as I know my children will be well cared for then. He’s not really bothered. And sadly because of his general absence/lack of presence for so many years nor are they anymore.

final question to ask solicitor - how much will you cost???

write questions down - take notes - maybe even take a trusted friend or family member. You are overwhelmed with emotions right now so your brain won’t be firing on all cylinders like it usually might!

loads of luck and let us know how you get on… you can do this and one day he’ll become a mere blip in your history…!

It’s also worth thinking about your will if you have one - sounds bleak but if something happened to you tomorrow - do you want him profiting?? No way. Change it or get one written that serves only you and your children asap.*
*
Bleak but true. If something were to happen to you who would manage your estate in the best interests of your DC?

I should add there will be other posters on here that are much better versed than I on questions where divorcing from a marriage is concerned! Hopefully they’ll jump in with questions too!

Wtaf. Sounds like you saw a shit therapist not a solicitor.

That’s not legal advice… that’s his opinion! I would find another solicitor!

What a dick. Definitely go to another firm.

Sounds like he just doesn’t want to do the family life anymore which Is so sad. He will be surrounded by lots of women in a primary school( well in my experience of working in them anyway!) I’d guess he has met someone else. You and your kids deserve a better husband and father. Good luck op. Stay strong 💪

Oh my word, he sounds horrendous. I think solicitors are supposed to try to avoid messy, acrimonious divorces but he's crossed from "are you absolutely sure about this long and difficult process" process into "well, if you just spent more time cooking, cleaning and giving your DH blow jobs, perhaps none of this would be happening".

I would complain about him too. Not least because it doesn't sound like he even gave you any advice at all in among all those intrusive and inappropriate questions.

Staggered by that solicitor! I'm glad you complained, he behaved absolutely outrageously. Maybe see a woman next time?

I'm in two minds about talking to another firm. They might say the same thing.

Please see another firm. Or several.
The behaviour of this specific solicitor was bizarre.

The 'advice' you were given was outrageous, unprofessional, & sexist.
However - breathe a sigh of relief that you didn't engage them, because that solicitor demonstrated to you very clearly that he did not have YOUR best interests at heart.

When you find a good solicitor, you will know it.
They will have the ability to pattern-spot, they won't spout nonsense about high-achieving women, they won't interrogate you about how your ability to earn the most money (while your H contributes nothing) & do or pay for all the childcare makes your H "depressed" & they CERTAINLY won't tell you to book a fucking weekend away instead of pursuing the divorce you want.

Omg am so angry on your behalf. That solicitor is way out of line. You didn't go there for Maria he guidance or friendly advice ffs.
I'm glad that you're still feeling strong free that setback.

That solicitor needs to STFU. People divorce every day, for a myriad of reasons, or for no reason. It doesn’t matter for the solicitor- they can still advise on the splitting of assets and childcare arrangements etc

Christ Almighty! Is it possible that solicitor is actually a friend of your husband from the gym or something?
I don't think i've ever heard of such unprofessional advice ( ever mind deeply
unhelpful and even self-sabotaging, Did he not realise how unlikely you would be to engage him Further after that spiel?

I'm appalled at this solicitor. You can divorce for any reason, or no reason.
Clients instruct solicitors, not the other way round!