Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

[Ell7]

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

Isn't it crap how his newfound self esteem comes at the expense of mine. He's done pretty well out of this hasn't he.

One lesson I have taken from this is that I cannot do NSA with somebody I like. Ever again. I can't see him in person again either. Not after that shit sandwich, love that phrase btw.

😂😂😂

Do you think I should just block him now? I've already deleted the WhatsApp chat. It makes me cringe tbh.

I can just see him getting in touch in 6-12 months after a dry spell with his girlfriend and testing the waters. He's pretty much said that hasn't he?

OP, you’ve had a weekend of amazing sex with a guy you fancy.
You went into this with your eyes wide open and, yes, it’s a shame things haven’t panned out the way you now realise you wish they would have, but I think both of you have acted with a genuine honesty, integrity and maturity.

It’s great that you’ve been able to be open and honest with him and have a conversation about feelings, instead of verbal abuse tennis or faking pregnancy test results to get one over on him. I think you’d have felt just as hurt if he had said it was just sex to him. Why? Because you have feelings for him.

You can’t just uninstall your feelings like an app. So be kind to yourself and grieve the loss of the relationship you wish you could have had. Those feelings are perfectly normal.

Nobody’s the Bad Guy here. Just normal humans muddling through life, and hopefully learning a thing or two about yourselves on the way

....followed by confirmation he's getting back with the ex but wouldn't rule out a repeat at some point in the distant future

What a cunt. Sorry, OP.

I agree about NC going forward. You can't help your feelings (what they were before the latest text message), but you can control whether you allow yourself to be emotionally exposed further by meeting up with him.

I was involved in an 18 month "situanship" which included another woman for a brief period some years back. It was supposed to be just 'fun' NSA and it turned into one of the most destressing periods of my life. I was totally and utterly absorbed in this emotional turmoil (I think partly due to hormones/oxytocin), and partly due to not having any other emotional commitments going on at the time. I still think about it today on occasion and can't quite believe what I'd allowed myself to get embroiled in. It was really damaging.

I have a young child now and don't have the time, energy nor headspace for things like that anymore but I do believe that ultimately I did want intimacy and monogamy from that person and the fact it was always "drama ridden" kept it going for much longer that it probably would have gone on. The whole would he/won't he....

OP - I’m sorry to see your latest update. But I commented earlier about not getting drawn in and I do honestly believe moving on now as best you can will be the best thing to do in the end.

It's embarrassing how quick I jumped when he text me especially after deciding earlier on I wouldn't contact him.

It's even more embarrassing that one of the first things I said was that I had been thinking about him and wondering whether to text. Only for him to come back with that stuff. I've made a right prat of myself with this one.

I'm going to block him now for everybody's sake.

Yea block him. I didn’t block mine he tried to win me back I was having none of it so he sent me a video of him shagging someone. She had the most grotesque teeth too🙂just saying some people seem normal but they’re fucking weird.

At the moment, you only feel like a prat.

Personally I think you’ll make yourself actually look a prat if you block him.

You know him IRL. How’s blocking him going to work? Are you going to abandon your social circle for ever? That'll just make it 10 times worse when you do eventually bump into him.

All because of one weekend of hot sex and crushed hopes.

Fair point RE the blocking. I will have to see him in person and that would make it more awkward.

I've deleted his contact, that'll do.

My friend has just sent me this meme which made me laugh, no disrespect intended to his girlfriend she's obviously a nice person for him to be so invested.

Thank you all for the chat today. I just know that in a couple of weeks time I'll be over it and all will be fine in the world.

John who hun?

😉✌️

no disrespect intended to his girlfriend she's obviously a nice person for him to be so invested.

Tbh I think their relationship is a bit of a fk up; she's finished with him (which no person who is truly invested and would not risk losing someone does), he's hanging around waiting on her, if they do get back together and they ever ouch on any dating, sex they did with anyone else during the "break", which is somewhat natural to do, it's going to be uncomfortable.
He seems codependant and like he had low self esteem. Firstly for hanging around waiting on someone who took the risk of ending their relationship, secondly he keeps seeking validation, approval and praise off you.

Anyway some people just be one invested through time, history etc ... Nothing special about it.

He's also probably invested, for unhealthy reasons, because she clearly values him and the relationship a bit less than he does. She ended it, and she's happy to stay ended for (how long?) during which he is technically single and could move on with someone else, a risk she's willing to take.
If she thinks there's no risk, then he's kinda undevher thumb and could easily appear as a doormat and ol reliable who'll always be there to go back to; not a desirable position to be in.

I think you were valuing him higher than he values himself tbh.

In any case, even if he wasn't (apparently - because I wouldnt 100% rule out it being a convenient line he's using to avoid getting into anything approaching a relationship at this time) waiting to get back with his "ex" ..... This would still be a really shit time to get into anything with him. He is/would be just out of a relationship and rebound would he written all over it. He is not going to be over that relationship for quite some time (if they don't get back together).

You've learned some valuable lessons through this op - don't knee jerk to denying your real feelings and being proud and "cool".

Oxytocin is a mutherfkr so exercise caution about sex with guys it's unlikely to go anywhere with/only on casual terms.

You shagged a guy you wanted to shag, it was good, it wasn't shit sex, he wasn't disrespectfully (sexually) so .... I suppose try to be glad you had a nice sexual experience with someone you fancied.

Absolutely without a shadow of a doubt, and that's a bit sad to be honest.

In the lead up he was really self deprecating. He was astounded, literally, that I / somebody was interested in him in that way and said nothing like that had ever happened to him before. A woman being so direct and showing an interest.

After the sex he asked whether I was still attracted to him.

Then tonight he wanted confirmation that I did enjoy everything as much as i appeared to and then saying that I've made him see himself in a new light and all of that.

I've done wonders for his ego. Free therapy, init?

Maybe I should have charged 😂

Maybe I should have charged

If he gave you an orgasm or two, one could say you did 😁

Ha fair one, he certainly paid up in that sense 🤣

Fireworks mate. Fireworks.

I've made him see himself in a new light

Maybe his ex won't find him so makkeavke or devoted from now on.

A woman I know had a long-term bf from uni, both each others first partner and sexual partner. He was apparently really devoted to her. She was more ambivalent. During some of her ambivalence, they had a break I think and he shagged a girl who liked him (had liked him for quite a while). My acquaintance got back with him but it was not the same; she referred to him as "good/nice Patrick" before the break and "bad/nasty Patrick" after it. He had discovered there were other women happy to date & shag him, he had options and he was no longer the puppy dog. They split a while after and have had no contact in the years since (a guy she and her family thought she'd end up married to).

Who knows what will happen with "John" but you need to be well out of it no matter what. He's not a healthy person for you to be around at this time.

*makkeavke

Wtf is up with my autocorrect.... Malleable

No wonder the oxytocin been hammering you, you poor thing.

Ask him to write down his technique for your next bf. Dint tell your next bf where you got it from, obviously; just say online 😀

Just what I wanted to say!

He still thinks you were only in it for the sex. How do you know the whole weekend hasn’t changed his opinion now, but he’s not saying because he thinks you aren’t bothered?

Id leave the door open just in case and just make sure he knows that if it doesn’t work out with his ex, that you’d be up for a date.

I think with sex the chemistry is essential isn't it?

I had a great time and we had brilliant sex but that's largely because of how I felt about him.

If you're super attracted to somebody, especially on multiple levels, you generally do want to let loose and go all out don't you?

I've had sex with a stereotypically handsome man before who knew his way around the bedroom and I'm sure there are women out there who consider him an incredible shag, but I certainly didn't feel anything remotely similar to what I felt with this bloke.

He's going to go back to his girlfriend and wonder why she isn't swinging from the chandeliers, bless him.

On a serious note I wish him well. I made an error of judgement, played with fire and got burned. We live and we learn. On we move 😊

Oh I made it clear tonight that I would like more than just sex. He doesn't feel its possible (aka doesn't want anything serious with me - or even a semi regular shag actually) because he's too caught up with / invested in her and they're getting back together.

He said he'd be open to a repeat of last weekend at some point in the distant future, might be a long time away. Ouch.

All of that cobbled in with platitudes about how much we have in common, how great we get on, how great the sex was, best in his life yada yada.

It was basically a fluffy "not interested" 🙈