Clearly 'one night stands' are not for me :(

[Ell7]

I spent last weekend with a man I liked, initiated by me, and we slept together which I should never have done because I knew he wasn't over his ex and therefore it would never go anywhere.

He was upfront about the likelihood of them getting back together when she came back to this country and didn't want to lead me on and have me think otherwise.

He's not being dishonest, he didn't cheat - I know them both (her to a lesser degree but still enough to know that they had indeed split up and it had been a couple of months)

I'm sure he likes me too, great chemistry etc, albeit nowhere near enough to pursue anything serious as he wants to be with her. Fair enough.

All I've done is make myself like him more. I'm so sad. What a fucking idiot.

Although tonight he did manage to slide into conversation the fact that just thinking about last weekend was making him horny.

How the fuck did he think that was necessary to slip that in when I was being pied off. Read the room mate. You've got to laugh haven't you. Maybe he was hoping for (another) bit of cyber sex on his way out. The last hurrah 😂

His little head is clearly tuning out his heart.

Anyway I can imagine their reunion, unless they're incredibly good at keeping things to themselves and staying off pertinent topics, being increasing less lovely and fun as they discover what each of them had been doing while broken up 😬

I think he'll be looking for a rerun sooner than the distant future. And you should not go there.

You posting that meme suggests that it is important to you to believe he will be having not as 'good' sex with his partner as he had with you. Would that be a fair assumption or am I wrong?
Be aware of two things. Firstly, not all LTR's end up in the parties having boring sex with one another. Secondly, some people are extremely accomplished at acting and telling another person exactly the right thing in order to get what they want. If he was in a LTR I think it highly unlikely anything you and he did together would have been a 'first' (unless he's 19 years old!).

Are you secretly hoping he "chooses" you in the end?

@Ell7 there are so many red flags in your recent conversation:

1. doesn't want anything serious with me - or even a semi regular shag actually
2. He said he'd be open to a repeat of last weekend at some point in the distant future
3. he did manage to slide into conversation the fact that just thinking about last weekend was making him horny
4. He wanted to ask me one last question, basically confirmation of something that massaged his ego and made him feel good about himself.

He is trying to set this up as a FWB situation entirely on his terms, in fact take out the friend part, because this isn't mutual at all. He wants someone to text when he is horny, who will meet up and have a shag, but not regularly, only when he wants it. He also wants someone to text to make him feel good about himself, who he can fish for compliments with. And what are you doing during these communications, crying.

I would try and eliminate the thought of him thinking about how good the sex was in the future, he may never think of it again and even if he does it's irrelevant. He wants to be with this other person, their sex life is of no relevance, he's made his choice. Let her have him, he is no catch.

Absolutely! This makes so much sense.

@Ell7 He said he'd be open to a repeat of last weekend at some point in the distant future, might be a long time away. Ouch.

You need to screen shot this and send it to his girlfriend ASAP. Let’s see who controls the narrative here… I’m not joking. Why do we let gets get away with this shyte?

“Why do we allow men to get away with this shyte?”

It’s the bloody oxytocin OP

its a very annoying and very normal chemical reaction we are cursed with

you arnt alone
and It’s a THING

just give it time
it’s going to fade

and as it’s going nowhere make every effort to delete all online access to him

block , delete , purge

and TIME

This is a story as old as time.
Men can be quite articulate when it comes to ensuring a steady supply of sex. Sorry OP you can analyze this all you want but in the end it will sort itself out. My mom used to say to me (as I sat in her house upset time after time about my exh) "you'll know when you've had enough" and she was right. You'll continue this (if he wants to) but be aware it'll be on his terms. Take ownership back! Just don't get manipulated and used. This bloke is keeping you dangling - cut the cord.

You're totally right.

A quote from upthread rings a bell "all red flags are just flags when you've got rose tinted glasses on"

It's patently obvious he has no interest in the friends part of even a FWB arrangement. That would be a deal breaker for me as I'm not the sort of person who would be OK with an out of the blue booty call every 6 months or so - without feeling used and a bit sad.

That's the second positive that has come from this. 1) I had a good time 2) I've discovered that It's not for me.

All bets are off now as he's certainly reuniting with the girlfriend and I definitely do not want that on my conscience ongoing.

I'm definitely not going to be screenshotting anything and sending anything to her, that would just be cruel, make me look bitter and I would never want to implode somebodies life like that. If they love one another then good luck to them, genuinely, and I hope it works out. I respect him being so upfront and my hurt feelings aside, because they're my problem and not his, I think he's a really nice bloke.

With the benefit of hindsight I think the little crush/fling with him was filling a gap in my otherwise flat life at the moment. I've had a crap few years, cancer scare, bad break up, the death of a close friend, going onto AD's. It's probably not about him at all really.

It's just like PP described on the previous page, the oxytocin came rushing in and seemed to fill the gap and for the first time in a long time I felt some excitement and my head was like, eeeeek butterflies this feels so great It's like being a teenager again.

To answer your question PP - no I don't wan't him to choose me. A spontaneous bunk up is no match for somebody you've loved for a few years and have so much history with. I won't be playing the pick me dance I'll be leaving him well alone.

Me posting here, meme included, was just me trying to make myself feel a bit better / help my own self esteem.

As it stands he hasn't done anything wrong and it's important I don't lose sight of that just because I feel a bit crap.

He promised me nothing. I got exactly what we agreed from the get together. It was just supposed to be a night of sex and nothing else - which he asked if I'd be happy with and I said I would.

The rest of it is just about me dealing with the oxytocin comedown and feeling sorry for myself because, yes, up until last night I would have been thrilled for him to be as interested as I was.

I'll likely have to see him IRL going forwards and it's best for everybody that there's no sour grapes.

When he said repeat in a very long time, are you sure he didn’t mean if/when they break up?
He is/was invested in his girlfriend. He may be set on getting back with her. When it isn’t all hearts and roses, as it may well not be when they get back together, then he might be open to something more.

You know the vibe op, so I may be totally wrong, but I’m seeing this differently.

He’s totally committed to his ex (which may or may not work out)
You persuade him that commitment free sex is what you want and he at first reluctantly goes along with it. Still doing nothing wrong on his part as he’s single.
You both have great sex.
You tell him you’d like more. He’s flattered, but still in the mindset that you wanted just sex. He knows you know he loves his girlfriend and is going to get back together with her. You knew that and nothing has changed as far as he’s concerned. You offered just sex and he’s paying you a compliment by saying how great it was and how horney you make him. But still he’s still thinking of his ex as he knows you know. Yes, he could have been more empathetic when he realised you want more but perhaps he doesn’t realise quite the depth of your feelings. He obviously enjoyed the weekend but still has his ex at the forefront of his mind. Which you knew from the beginning.

Of course I might be totally wrong. You were there op and are in a much better position to judge how it really went. But the other posters are quick to call him a bastard etc. All I’m saying is that might not be the case. His actions over the weekend don’t seem like someone who doesn’t care - but he has unfinished business with his gf. He’d be wrong to lead you to believe he’s available for something more, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t open to something in the future if/when they break up which could be a very long time in the future as he said.

Even if I’m right don’t hang round forever op and certainly don’t accept crap treatment, but in a couple of months if his ex who is up on that pedestal, doesn’t live up to expectations, then don’t write him off.
Accept that he’s not available now. Move on and file his as an enjoyable interlude, but be open if they ever split up.

Unless I’m totally wrong…. Which I could well be?

@Ell7 you can have the upper hand here, you are in control, the answer is no to anything he asks in the future. You said you're going to see him at an event soon, do whatever you have to do to walk in there feeling your very best, socialise with everyone and be you. This guy is a loser that just got dumped and is ready to drop everything for the person that dumped them and that need validation from others. You're not, reframe this situation as getting a weekend of great sex and now you're moving on to bigger and better things.

Ah you’ve just said as much in your last posts that I hadn’t yet read.

I agree op. I think you’ve summed it up perfectly. I think too many posters have been too quick to judge him. But he has made you realise that it is out there and you can find it again with someone available. Good luck in finding that someone .

My friend suggested I sign up to POF if I'm in doubt about how many available men are out there and would be interested in dating.

Jesus. 99+ likes and 24 messages in the space of a couple of hours!

That's a bit much for me this morning 😬

Good luck in sorting the wheat from the chaff on POF. Seems a mine field. But there are decent men about.

I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's a bit intimidating 😂

I watched a work colleague go through a site. She was no looker herself but dismissed perfectly nice guys and only clicked on the handsome ones. All I could think about was she was deluding herself and how big an ego must these good looking guys have with so many likes. Then there were the ones who were in sexually suggestive poses 😀or the background showed lots of negative clues.
I don’t envy you op.
Concentrate on the normal guys. And my advice would be not to waste hours on swapping messages as when you meet you know instantly whether there is chemistry there. Keep it quick. A few messages, then a phone or video call. If after that you still want to meet then do it safely in a public place for a half hour meet as you have another commitment. You can always “cancel” if you are getting on.
just my twopennoth worth.

Ell7

welcome to OLD baby
if I out think that’s bad try Tinder

jesus im 48 and take care of myself don’t get me wrong

at one stage I had 450 likes 😱

im not flexing and im not Claudia Schiffer Either !!!

be careful of the pending party !!

Good lord I've just received a message from a bloke and his profile picture is him posing infront of a police van.. clue; he isn't a police officer.

His tag line says "cellulite is a wonderful thing"

Thank you for the good tips Schnooze! I must say I've never been interested in the 'textbook' hot men. I've always had a thing for the under dogs, somebody a bit modest, nice smile, somebody a bit alternative...

fuck sake I'm describing john

Looks aren't really that important to me, it's all about things in common and connection. I've written out a pretty good profile with enough info for somebody to know if we'll gel or not.

450 likes is INSANE, itwas, how on earth did you find the time to sift through that lot? Will bare tinder in mind.

I have my notifications turned off at the moment as the constant pinging is a bit much 😐

Slow hand clap for the Mumsnet massive on this thread. It took no small amount of surgical sophistry and much persistence but you got there in the end. The man was bad after all. Bad bad man.

Some of the responses were quite scary about what people would do in order to exact revenge for his seeming misdeeds. I hope the OP doesn’t listen to those.

😃

You never know who you get that chemistry with! It’s quite random in a way isn’t it?
But Mr Police Van sounds delightful. Don’t know why you aren’t interested in him 😂

I would never ever do anything like the spiteful things suggested, I'm not that kind of person.

I got exactly what I asked for and he's done nothing wrong. My feelings are my problem nobody else's.

I still think he's lovely, but will have to reframe it as platonic.

I wish him nothing but the best.