Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

Yes you do have to accept it.
You were sending each other a lot of messages and maybe she felt overwhelmed by the level of contact and feeling like she had to respond.

You need to build a life away from her and realise she's put quite a firm boundary in place.

You're allowed to hurt and feel lost and grieve to an extent but you need to be your own person and less reliant on her.

Surely this relationship impacted on other relationships in your lives?

@PacificallyRequested I think she was feeling overwhelmed, but it definitely wasn’t one-sided. The person messaging most changed regularly depending on schedules/what was happening. I guess my view is that that’s what friends do for each other (within reason).

@Anotheroneandanother not really sure what you mean. It doesn’t take more than ten minutes a day to exchange a few texts.

In between your texts, she was probably browsing constantly - it may be that this is mostly what she is trying to avoid.

Give her a ring one evening instead. She’s allowed to try to step away from a phone addiction if she has one. It’s likely lot so personal to you as you believe.

But it takes a lot of mental head space outside of those 10 minutes. And your initial post didn't indicate it was just a quick 10 minute chat.

Do you not have partners?

Yes, we both have partners. And I wouldn’t say most of the communication took a lot of headspace. Most of it was chitchat interspersed with occasional bigger discussions. As I said we’ve both dealt with some pretty big stuff lately so a bit of leaning on both sides at the most difficult moments.

I feel for you here actually. Although I can understand her reasoning as we can become addicted to our phones. But if you are a big part of each others lives and communicate a lot that way, to just cut off would feel hurtful.

take things slowly. there is a 50% chance that in a month, she will have given up on the no-phone-January and will have gone back to normal.

if not, then having a weekly phone call might also be a good way to keep in touch, if you both have a reasonably regular schedule.

@DuchessOfPort i think that’s likely a big part of it. Which it’s hard to get around given the way phones work! I think part of it is she didn’t warn me it was happening. We’ve both, at different times, said ‘I’m gonna be a bit quiet for a bit because I’m going through xyz’ and we’ve both been totally accepting of that and then things have just picked up again naturally once life has got a bit easier.

You do have to accept it and respect that it’s a decision she’s made. Maybe she’s realised she’s spending way too much time on her phone and needs to come away from it so has made a New Year’s resolution to limit it. You say at the beginning sometimes it’s all day chatting over text. That is a hell of a lot. How do you/she ever get anything else done?!

This is quite a common thing OP - I've seen lots of people making a New Year's resolution to step away from their phone. As a pp says she's probably mainly trying to reduce her time spent scrolling FB etc, I'm sure it's nothing against you personally.

I doubt it's just about your messages, I'm guessing she's become glued to her phone most of the day and is making a conscious effort to be a bit more 'present'. If you were generally having ongoing conversations throughout the day she may have been replying to you when she was in the company of others. Add that to checking social media, browsing websites etc - you can find you are not really connecting with those physically around you.

A lot of us could benefit from putting our phones down more.

@dammit88 thank you. I totally respect her want/need to spend less time on her phone. Goodness knows most of us need to. I just do feel a bit as if the rug has been pulled from under me. I’m now paranoid of putting pressure on her so am reluctant to text anything and second guessing everything I say.

We could do a phone call but we have never really spoken much on the phone. We used to see each other in person a lot and have always just texted in between.

Its silly stuff like ‘do you think this or this dress would look better’ and ‘does (your DH) also do this mildly annoying thing’ that don’t really work as phone calls.

It may have crept up from something she really appreciated into something she felt was actually taking away from normal life (not you per se, but checking the phone so much).

Sometimes a particular habit works well at getting you through a hard time but isn't sustainable as a long term habit.

I would guess that she knows this might be disappointing/hurtful for you and is the reason she has put the emphasis on it being a break from her phone full stop .

If she was just a much the instigator of the messages then I don't think it means she doesn't value the friendship, just that that style of communication has run its course.

"Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less."

See it's too much. She has probably had a rethink about all this contact and made a resolution to can all the texting. I can't say that's with everyone or only you. One thing I can say is that I don't think it's particularly healthy or adult to have a friend have so much involvement in the every day. She might think the same.

OP I have had a couple of people say this

One was a full on phone addict and seemed happier to send long emails once a day from her designated computer time.

The other wanted to get rid of her phone because "people" were annoying her. She's a different case as she is on social media a lot still, but doesn't want to chat, or doesn't want to chat to me. I now get occasional messages asking how I am but generally I think of her as one of the people who vanished over lockdown.

I would just stay quiet and see how things pan out. But I think a lot of people are pulling back from friendships now. I too love a back and forth chat with friends but I seem to be in a tiny minority now. Some days the back and forth is such a laugh during the working day, but the second person I describe isn't working, just finds the chat annoying now.

When I say it was all day I don’t mean all day constantly. More like she would send a random thought on her way to work and I would reply at break time then we might exchange a couple at the end of the work day and a couple more in the evening. Of course at times this would develop into more of a back and forth but by no means always.

I think several of you are right in that this is probably about phone usage more generally. I’m just a little sad that it will impact on how we have always communicated. It was less important when she lived half a mile away and I could see her!

How long has it been that you've been texting daily op?

Has the texting from your side become more frequent or heavier recently?

Many possibilities as to why it happened.
But it’s totally understandable that it feels like you’ve lost a friend. Actually fur all you know, it might exactly what is happening here. Taking her distance from you Wo looking like it. That would be a very MN thing to do.

You can’t really do anything about it. It’s likely that your friendship will dwindle to little if you don’t see each other that much either. Maybe this is what would have happened Wo the regular messaging anyway. Moving away often does that.

I am taking on board what you are all saying. I would challenge the idea that it’s somehow childish or unhealthy to chat to a close friend every day (or close to) though. Do people not talk to their partners every day?

And yes, we have certainly used it as a way to get each other through hard times but it predates that as well. This is a long enduring friendship.

I would also say it is probably me having a harder time now (and her previously) so it feels a little selfish if she’s basically used me to chat too a lot when she needed it but is now not willing to do the same.

It’s been years and years we’ve been texting daily. Even when she lived close by (though a little less then as we could save bigger topics for when we saw each other once or twice a week).

I think we cross posted

I loved it when friends wanted to chat a little everyday. I don't think it's unhealthy. I'm not sure I'm going to try to make new friends but if I do, I will have to be wary not to be too full on.

Perhaps it has got a little heavier from my side lately as I’ve been dealing with a lot. Six months back it was vice versa as she was having a bad time. Sometimes I put my own needs second to talk to her when she needed as I feel like that’s what friends do.

Sounds like a codependent relationship which is never good

She’s doing the right thing moving away from that

You should too