Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

Op. I've been scouring your posts as your situation is so similar to mine it's odd. Only I'm the friend who needs space.

Assuming you are not my friend!!!.... I will give you my perspective.

It was both ways and helpful for ages (texting like you say) but her messages got longer and longer. Started to be a stream of consciousness effectively. It's started to feel that she thinks she entitled to my time... that her needs for support trump my own needs to care for my MH. I feel like a therapist.

I need a break from the intensity as I can't keep up with her many many messages and details. Perhaps it's similar.

OP has she been TTC? I wonder if your pregnancy has affected her in some way.

If you have an emotional pattern with someone and they break it - for whatever reason - you are bound to feel a little confused or rejected or uncertain or something.

For eg if someone posts saying a guy they’re dating has gone from a few texts a day to one every week, we all know what’s happening and it’s not that his feelings haven’t changed and she should carry on regardless.

Its not childish or intense to name your feelings around someone backing away from you.

I agree with all the PPs who say let her get on with it and give her space. For your own sense of self and dignity plus she has stated a boundary and you have to respect it. But it’s entirely natural to feel that things have changed and to feel sad about that.

She may not have a crystal clear idea about what she wants her 'communication preferences' to be, and might not feel inclined to think it through in great detail if she's already feeling overwhelmed.

Can you just consider that she's unlikely to check her messages very often, and let that determine how you communicate? By, say, not sending her messages that it will feel bad not to have a timely response to? That way you are honouring her boundaries and your feelings.

I also think the fact you're having a baby when she does not have children may have much more bearing on this situation than you realise. (I say this as someone who spent years in a relationship with a man who couldn't decide whether he wanted kids - he didn't, in the end - and then went through years of infertility with my current partner. My official story throughout all this was that I wasn't ready to have kids yet, having too good a time, career going so well, etc. Inside I was ashamed and heartbroken and lonely, and found my friends' pregnancies incredibly difficult).

@CaramelMach I don’t think I’ve got longer and longer/stream of consciousness. I have had a situation in the past with another friend like that and it was hard.

I would say we both have moments of sending a few texts in a row but they are more likely to be texts of excitement than detailed examinations of feelings. The more I think on it though, the more I realise I’ve probably been the one texting more for the last little chunk of time (I am talking a few weeks in a 25 year friendship though).

I wouldn’t want her to feel as you say you do. I would hope she would just feel able to say that plainly though. I guess that’s all I want - a bit of clarity.

Although according to some, that’s childish!

@NamechangeOxbridge i think that’s all I can do really. I think it’s leaving me with a lot
of excess things to say that I have to put somewhere though while I get used to not having the general back and forth. I don’t have that relationship with any other friends.

I am relatively sure it’s not about the baby but I obviously can’t be certain. I think/hope she knows I would be sympathetic if it was though.

For many years I was the single one with no prospect of having a baby while she got married and built a life with her husband. I’ve also had a loss previously, so it’s not as if that part of my life has been stress free and hers has been really hard in comparison. That doesn’t rule out an issue I don’t know about, obviously.

I don’t feel it’s a question I can ask her outright though.

Sounds really hard OP. It's the norm for me to text friends most days, we have a WhatsApp group of 4 of us, known each other years and warble on about all sorts of shit and obviously big stuff too now and again. It would be very odd if one of us just stopped replying without saying first that they were having a phone detox.

Personally I'd leave it for a bit and see what happens.

Ignore some of the nasty comments - I really feel for you - this is hard after such a long friendship. My advice is leave the ball in her court, enjoy your lovely baby when he/she arrives - you’ll make some lovely new mummy friends. If she comes back to you the friendship is important to her xxxx

No, I can see why you can't ask her outright, and it wouldn't be kind or respectful to do so. Certainly not while you're pregnant and she's taking a step back from communication.

But also, it's not about whether or not you'd be sympathetic, or whether you've had losses or related experiences - it's about how desperately awful it feels when you are longing for a baby you may never have, and people around you are excited about their own babies. They can be your best friends in the world, and utterly sympathetic, and they may even have had similar struggles - and you can want the absolute best for them and be happy for their joy. But it is just too, too painful to be around sometimes, and the last thing you want is to have to talk about it.

Something I'm noticing in your posts is a belief that there is no legitimate reason, to your mind, that your friend might want to take a step back from the friendship: you're not needy or intense, you're sympathetic, you've done nothing wrong. And I know these boards can be vicious and make posters defensive, so maybe that's where this is coming from. But it does give the sense of a fairly determined and persistent interpersonal style that might feel a bit much, to someone who is overwhelmed.

I wonder if it helps to remember that while you might want clarity, she may not be in a position to offer it. She may not want to be drawn into a conversation where her reasons for wanting space might be dismissed as unreasonable or invalid, as you've dismissed some posters' suggestions here. Your hurt and uncertainty are unfortunately yours to deal with. And I fear that if you press her for clarity, you might drive her further away.

I wonder if it helps to remember that while you might want clarity, she may not be in a position to offer it. She may not want to be drawn into a conversation where her reasons for wanting space might be dismissed as unreasonable or invalid, as you've dismissed some posters' suggestions here. Your hurt and uncertainty are unfortunately yours to deal with. And I fear that if you press her for clarity, you might drive her further away.

Yes, that. I do understand your hurt and your quest for answers, OP. But what experience has taught me (on both sides of situations like this) is that if you ask for this kind of reassurance and clarity, it pushes people away.

She clearly feels the need for some space, either digital or personal. And using the medium that she's trying to avoid to ask her to explain it, she will see as really intrusive.

I think that’s a bit unfair. I’ve really tried to take on board suggestions.

I haven’t said I’m not needy as no one has actually accused me of that. I asked a poster how I was coming across as intense in an effort to understand so I could avoid doing it.

And I explained my history/her history with having babies just to give context. I said in my previous post that even with that history, that doesn’t rule out there being something else going on I’m not aware of.

As I’ve said multiple times, I have not asked her or badgered her at all. This has all been totally on her (new) terms. I came on here to get different perspectives and bounce ideas around. I would never dismiss her reasons if she chose to share them with me. And I’ve not dismissed posters’ suggestions, I’ve just told them the reality if they’ve had it wrong. I have known this person for a very long time, I do know her better than random posters’ suppositions or projections.

You seem to have jumped to the conclusion it’s baby related which none of us know. It could be something totally different.

Some posters are acting like I’ve already asked her the issue. I haven’t. I put a potential text for discussion and was clearly advised it wasn’t a good idea. I’ve taken that on board. I’m still allowed to wish for clarity, even if I don’t ask for it.

Also, I was considering asking for clarity on how she wanted me to communicate, not on the underlying issue.

It was a (clumsy, fair enough) attempt to try and make sure I wasn’t making her feel worse/more overwhelmed/whatever it is.

It might not be baby related in the way everyone is assuming. I wonder if she’s actually worried that the momentous change about to occur when you become a mother will alter her relationship with you to such an extent that she is pre-emptively distancing herself? That could be a bit of a stretch, admittedly!

I would be surprised, but anything is possible I suppose.

I used to have a friend that I was really close with. They were really down about something at one point and somehow our relationship snowballed into this expression of back and forth sad, angry or bad feelings. My DH noticed a change in me and brought it up. He told me that he thought that I should put some space between my friend and myself and just see if I felt better. Well, I did. So my DH was right and the mutual reliance we had was weighing on me. I think that these sorts of constant communications can be heavy and maybe that's what she is feeling? And maybe she just needed space?

@OctobersDaughter that is certainly possible. Can I ask, did you reduce that space after a time or have you remained more distant?

Sorry haven't RTFT but just wanted to say please don't take this personally.

My phone broke recently and the days without it were absolute bliss. I love chatting to my friends and missed if but I do find my phone an absolute time sink. Also I'm in lots of WhatsApp groups and have moved around a lot so have quite a few different groups of friends. I'm also really chatty which doesn't help. I am trying to keep away from my phone more but it's actually because I like chatting to my friends too much (and I absent mindedly doom scroll very easily.)

Yes, we are closer friends again. We just needed to break that cycle we were in I think.

I also want to add that as a PP said, Maybe she thinks communications with slow down once you have the baby and is maybe trying to prepare herself for it?

I think you need to take advice on here with a pinch of salt.

MN is very anti-mobile, anti-texting, and heaven forbid you terrorise another human being by sending a voice message. It's also massively block/NC-friendly here.

I have those conversations with a few different friends on a regular basis and I don't consider that to be the potential crux of evil in their lives. I'd be deeply upset if a best friend did this to me, because you've essentially been cut out of her life without explanation. That's going to mess with anyone's head.

I'm really sorry this happened to you 🌺

OP I've read all your posts and wanted to give my perspective on this.

Firstly, I agree that she could have given you a heads up on this change and asked how things are with you etc

But, I do feel you are taking this as a very personal rejection of you rather than a rejection/different use of her phone. And the comment about rethinking asking her to do your baby shower is a very extreme reaction when she has not expressed any want to back away from you specifically

For me, I had a bit of a wake up call with those bloody screen time notifications on my iPhone and was a bit shocked at how much time I was spending on my phone.

I like to have my phone to hand at all times:I browse a lot on Mn/Facebook/Twitter and insta. I also scroll news updates a lot. I wouldn't say it's an addiction but it's definitely unhealthy

I also have several friends who i hear from weekly/some daily. I was finding I'd see their message come through and make a mental note to reply as I might be cooking or doing something with the kids. Then I'd forget and mentally chastise myself that I'd left it a few hours and not responded but at that point I'd be doing bedtime or something so again mentally note to reply after kids in bed. This would go on and on in my head and take up a lot of mental headspace that I needed to reply.

You might say, well stop thinking about it and just type a quick response! But life has got very busy and I'd always seem to think about it at a time when I was doing something else.

I've resolved now to keep my phone in the kitchen on a shelf if I'm at home rather than by my side. After dinner I'll scroll through messages and then do some quick responses but I've stopped being available all day as it was just too much. I honestly feel so much better for it.

The decision hasn't been because any of my friends are texting me too much or putting any pressure on me. The pressure was coming from myself to respond quickly/ remember to get back to them etc which along with the constant browsing was just taking up too much headspace.

BTW I write this now while shushing my one year old and trying to get him back to sleep! I think your habits will also dramatically change once you have your baby!

I have to agree with a pp that you do sound really intense. I had a friend who messaged me incessantly on whatsapp. At first I replied but I started to get really annoyed that she expected such a constant level of communucation and that she would text about things that felt completely inconsequential.

I tried to reduce it but if I left it a while to reply she'd often send multiple messages in the meantime, she knew when I was online and therefore 'ignoring' her and eventually I had to have a serious conversation where I said I'd had enough and found her needs completely overwhelming. Your friend may be similar and I think you should appreciate not everyone has the same appetite for confrontation. I personally would hate the "opportunity to make my needs clear".

Also if you're having your first baby soon you are likely to be a lot less available for this level of communication. My friends all reduced their phone use significantly in the newborn phase and it stuck that way afterwards.

Maybe the intensity you are putting on here makes her feel she needs a breather?

I would be mortified and reflecting on my role in the relationship.

Can I suggest that you might be taking this too personally OP?

Your premise seems to be that because you believe you are the main texter/contact that this response from your friend is because of you. It probably is not. Once a person hits the wall of being overwhelmed to the point that they don't want to be freely contactable (use of aeroplane mode), it's a big picture issue. Your friend probably just has too much needed of her from too many people and wants to shield herself from feeling even more overwhelmed than she does.

Like another poster said, give it a month and things could change again. However, your friend is not obliged to discuss the way she contacts you with you in advance. Can you imagine if she had to do so with each person she was in regular contact with?

You seem to have a strong mutual friendship so maybe take solace in that and give her the time and space she has made clear she needs. This could bring you closer depending on your own response to this.