Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

It could be that she is having a total detox or it could be just you but you won't know unfortunately

I'd wait a few weeks and then text with the new baby news and see what happens in response.

Hi @OttilieKnackered you say you don’t want your friend to misinterpret your lack of response, but you also say you responded to say you’re glad she has gained solace in new routine - so you have responded and it sounds good.

Hope I’ve understood correctly.

Why rethink the baby shower? She has not called off the friendship, just stepped back from the phone.

You are not co dependent or unhealthy - it is lovely to have good friends and the more frequent the communication, the more likelihood that you will feel able to discuss the minutiae of life. That is very precious. I get why you feel hurt. However, I dont think this is really about you, although I can see why it feels personal. I have friends I chat with every day or few days, but have been very mindful of my social media and electronic communication use recently because I have been aware for some time that I was feeling totally burned out and overloaded. I love my friends - it is not a reflection on what I feel for them at all. But I have realized I have to use the energy I have on activities that promote my health and something had to give. I dont message or post nearly as much as I used to, and feel better for it. It does mean I dont share as much with them, which is a shame. But overall I do feel it is better for my health. I hope you can weather this together, because I am sure after all that history, she truly does love and care for you.

I am also having a baby in a few weeks and it would seem churlish not to update her on its arrival.

I may need to rethink the baby shower she said she wanted to organise for me though

Again, you are acting as though she's blocked you! You're jumping to a worst case scenario instead of believing your friend. She wants to disconnect from her phone, and be in control of when she reads her messages. That's all! She's not friend dumped you. She's not saying that she doesn't want you to message about the baby!

Seriously, you need to calm down. Do you always jump to the worst possible scenario when faced with a simple explanation? Do you not trust your friend to be honest?

Depends when it is but she should have mentioned it, surely? If it's soon, then I would ask if she is still okay to do it, especially as she lives far away.

does she have a landline? Could she being expecting important calls to go there?

if you want to stop doom scrolling but still get messages from friends as they come in, you can turn the internet off on the phone.

I think OO has been given an unnecessary hard time by a lot of posters.

@saraclara i was responding to the person who said wait for her birthday (which is in November) and then send a letter.

Do you always jump to the worst conclusions about posters without reading their responses properly?

WRT the baby shower, it’s just that she’s organising from a distance and will only be ‘home’ for one weekend (for a totally different reason), so really needs to be sorted sooner rather than later and after what she’s said I don’t feel very comfortable saying ‘so when are you coming down then’ as that’s hardly relieving pressure from her!

@Flyinggeesei234 she has responded since then just to say the same kind of thing really, and I’ve not replied to that (or else we would each just be repeating the same thing endlessly).

I think you're being overly sensitive, we spend too much time on our phones, myslef included. That's probably why it feels lovely to her, I don't think it's about you

I really think that this will pass, the same way as most New Year's resolutions do. All you can do is take a step back, give her space and wait. I think she'll be initiating contact again before you know it.

However, you may still be hurt by this when she does decide to get in touch, and you will have you decide for yourself whether it can be the same as before for you.

@Judgyjudgy you’re probably right, it’s just a big change in routine/habit.

@smelliphant quite possibly. Although perhaps the shoe will be on the other foot once baby arrives!

I know what you mean as I have text friends like this. Truth is that when you have your phone near you, you end up also wasting time on other things too, checking email, mumset etc. Often I'll pick up my phone to check a text, but then spend half an hour on it on other things too. So much time wasted.
Also you sound very intense. So it's probably a combination of both. I'd probably do the same, seems like a good resolution

@Bagsundermyeyestoday can you expand on what makes me sound intense, please? I would like to understand from an outside perspective. Friend has never said or implied I am but she’s not always the most explicit with her feelings.

Exactly OP! While she is perfectly entitled to make this decision, she is not the only one who makes choices - if you decide that you can no longer carry on in the same way after this hiatus, then that's a natural consequence.

I admit that I would be hurt by this too. Just try to focus on yourself and the exciting things you've got coming up.

Hi OP not read all responses but wanted to come at it from the other side. I have a good friend who I message daily. To be honest I find it really distracting during the day and quite suffocating. She often checks in on how I am throughout the day and, while nice, I have 3 kids and a full time job and I'm never in a place to say I'm not OK, because I don't find I can ever open up via text like I could in a face to face conversation. So I just end up saying fine thanks and then a few hours later she messages again! She will often send me a series of messages about absolutely nothing in particular, a link to a top she wants to buy, a photo of her child on the swings, rants about her twin sister. I would estimate I get about 20 texts a day from her. Sometimes I reply and have a bit of a chat where I can and we actually have something to discuss, often I just minimally reply. I feel a bit like she uses me as somewhere to put her every thought and it's exhausting. I actually really enjoy spending time with her in person and don't want to lose her as a friend but any hints I've made that I don't have the mental space to reply as often as she would like have been completely ignored. Maybe this is her way of trying to break the habit of such frequent texting. It doesn't mean she doesn't value the friendship itself.

I think you are probably overthinking this. She no longer wants, daily, continuous contact because she has decided she needs to spend less time on her phone (don't we all?!).

But that doesn't mean you can never contact her again! (Unless it does, but that seems unlikely, and if it is the case, there's not a lot you can do). Just be receptive when she does want contact and don't over prolong exchanges. So, of course, you could update her about the baby. But once the conversation about that dwindles, leave her alone again.

I have a lot of people I contact / contact me on an irregular basis by messaging. Unless it is to make arrangements, it can be hard to know where exactly to stop. If they stop responding in a few hours / days on the same subject, I just stop too. If I get amusing videos, gifs etc sent to me, I don't always bother to respond at all, beyond maybe an emoji.

I love to see people in person. Messaging for anything but to make arrangements usually palls quickly for me. It sounds hard for you as you are not able to see each other regularly, but maybe she is finding the more trivial messaging rather tedious. This in no way means she doesn't value your friendship overall.

Just take what she says at face value and try not to make it about you. I can see it is upsetting but you will gradually get used to a lower level of messaging and fill your spare time with other friends or activities - or in fact, a baby and hopefully, new friends who also have babies that you can meet with irl.

A good old friend will always be in your life hopefully, but levels of contact do vary as you get older.

"I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message."

Today is only the 6th of January...

I don’t suppose it could have anything to do with you having a baby imminently (congrats, btw!) and her not having children ‘yet’, could it? Just a thought. Otherwise I agree it’s a bit of a mystery why she would unilaterally change the dynamic of a long-enduring friendship with no prior discussion.

@Puffin87 But if for years there have been daily reciprocal texts, a few a day, and then suddenly nothing for days - that will register.

OP whatever her reason, she’s not being a good friend in how she’s handling it. There is no acknowledgement of your feelings. In fact I think she is being childish in how she’s handled it. She could have said she knows it will be a shift and she values you but she needs to clear her days a bit or whatever.

@captncrunch thanks for explaining the other view kindly. We’ve probably both been a bit much at different times over the years. She has every right not to, but it can’t be said it’s because her life is much busier than mine. It’s objectively the other way around.

@Puffin87 as @MiddleOfTheNightAgain said, even a couple of days with no contact is pretty unusual for us.

@watcherintherye i have considered this. I can’t know for sure if it’s an issue but she’s never implied it is. She is in a very LTR and is in a great financial position but has previously said while she does want children, she wouldn’t ever want it to become her/their main focus.

@MiddleOfTheNightAgain her doing that would have been ideal (from my point of view), but it seems we are in the minority, and I’m happy to accept that. But one of the reasons I’m in such a quandary about it is because she hasn’t overtly said much.

Because as a grown up I should be able to do what I want without having to explain myself to someone. I find this constant need to have an explanation or reassurance childish.

But was it constant reassurance or did she ask and you refused to answer so she asked again? That’s a pretty big difference.

We can all ultimately do what we want but surely most normal people would want their loved ones to feel reassured?

There’s nothing childish about normal human emotions like feeling unsure, down, rejected, etc.

Congratulations to you for your perfect control of your feelings if you never need a kind word from someone who’s supposed to care about you.

Betcha by this day next week your frequent text chats will be back to normal!! It's probably a New Year's resolution, maybe suggested in good faith by her DH, that she won't be able to keep.......if she's like me, anyway !!

@maimeo it’s possible! I don’t necessarily get that vibe though. If it’s really made her feel better I expect she’ll try and keep
up with it.

Thanks to all who have responded with kindness.