Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

@BritAbroad101 you seem determined to cast me as some kind of over invested psycho here. Fwiw we have each asked these types of questions of one another before and appreciated the chance to make our needs clear.

Perhaps this sudden change has made me over wary of doing the wrong thing.

Some people develop an unhealthy addiction to their phones, and as well as the frequent messages between you two, she might have constantly been on social media or other things all the time, and now feels the need to cut back.

Obviously it would be hard to go cold turkey if she was still reading your messages and replying to them, so on the whole, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it isn't personal.

If you're determined to press the issue, at least keep it light, then. Something like...

"Great idea! We should probably all be doing it! I'll continue to keep in touch, but maybe not quite as often and I won't expect a speedy response. Just let me know if that works for you"

Anything else sounds needy or anxious and puts pressure on her.

This just feels suffocating. You don't need to ask for a prescription of how you should contact her. You just need to listen to what she's saying, and asking of you, not through the filter of what you need and how hurt you are.

She is trying to back away, let her, then follow her lead going forward. If you don't hear from her for a month after you've been texting her daily for years, then you know what you need to know.

I just do feel a bit as if the rug has been pulled from under me.
I think this further supports the fact that it was a all a bit too intense for her, and she needs a break from the intensity.

She isn't saying she doesn't want to hear from you just that she isn't going to reply immediately as her focus needs to be elsewhere. I think you are overthinking this.

This is perfect.

@GreenManalishi it’s not been one-sided all this time (as I have made clear).

Fair enough it seems several of you would consider that kind of text too much. I’ll take that on board and not say anything. But I didn’t want her to misinterpret my lack of reply as annoyance at her.

I've cut down on the amount I text, I stopped wearing my smart watch because of the constant interruptions. I don't not want friends to message me, I just find I'm happier and calmer and get more things done. My phone is on silent most of the time too.

If a friend messages me asking me how they should communicate I'd feel a bit annoyed. We are adults. In fact I did have a friend who kept asking if she had done something as I wasn't replying instantly. It got tiresome and I did stop messaging. Why does everything have to be such a drama.

See clearly people differ here because if someone asked me I would appreciate the chance to make my needs/wants clear but it seems I’m in the minority there.

And please, can people stop implying I’m being selfish here. I have said NOTHING to her about this, only expressed that I’m glad she’s found solace in this new approach.

I really don’t think I’m making it a drama. This is a very long standing friendship which has been changed very suddenly. I’m on here asking for advice about how to handle that, NOT causing any drama.

@SideshowAuntSallly did you say to her ‘no you haven’t, I just find I’m happier and calmer and get more things done’?

If not, why wouldn’t you in order to reassure a friend?

I get where you are coming from. My best friend lives down south and we spoke all day everyday. After she had a baby it's steadily gone less and less. She's not even bothered to listen to a voicenote from me from new year.

I feel heartbroken. Hope you're OK. Defo say something.

@Nymeria6 I’m sorry to hear that. It is hard. Funny enough it’s me that’s about to have a baby. She doesn’t have any children (yet). I don’t think it’s a case of being busier though, for her. It’s more about the mental noise of being on the phone (I think. As I said, she’s not actually been that explicit).

She's not rejecting you, she's rejecting her phone. It's not like you're the only person she messages with, surely?

You're not unreasonable to be sad not to be able to talk to her as much as you're used to. But you are being unreasonable in taking it personally and wanting her to reassure you. She's said why she's doing it, but the responses you want to send make it all about you.

I have a friend who's used to me being available at any time. Now I'm not, due to changes in my life. We still talk, but it's clear that they're not happy that it's not as often. They haven't spelled it out yet, but even the inference is irritating me. If they message with the kind of thing that you're considering, I'm afraid I'll roll my eyes and feel like talking even less. They're very dear to me, but I simply can't be as available as I was, and I'm not good at dealing with needy.

""Great idea! We should probably all be doing it! I'll continue to keep in touch, but maybe not quite as often and I won't expect a speedy response. Just let me know if that works for you""

Och no...not even this.
Don't text anything that has you asking her how you should communicate, what would work for her, in what manner you should fuck off, o' Queen?

Do the independent adult thing and match her effort with your own.

I wouldn't interpret this as just being about you. Like most of us she's probably on her phone all the time doing other stuff all day and isn't getting anything done in the real world as a result. In the nicest way, it might not all be about you. That's not what she said. Just that not being tied to her phone was lovely.

She’s made a new year’s resolution and it’s helping her feel calmer and better, so don’t try to drag her back in. I bet she was on her phone all the time, internet surfing and everything else in addition to texting so I don’t think it’s because of you. I’ve felt similar to her, knowing I need to get off devices at the same time knowing some of it I did enjoy but sometimes you have to go fairly cold turkey. That’s what she’s doing.

If she is putting her phone away from her, then I wouldn’t call either. I’d wait until it’s her birthday or something like that and I’d send a card with a letter. Maybe it will lead to exchanging old-school letters.

I am now thinking of following your friend’s example 😅 I doubt this has anything to do with your friendship. Unless there’s something you said, but apparently you haven’t.

Sadly, I've backed off slightly from my close and longstanding (decades) friend because she's started holding some strange convictions and bonkers theories which she bangs on about, and she is constantly repeating lots of unpleasant opinions, her views, pointless criticisms of other people's choices, and there is just no point engaging with it. So now I'm having to 'manage' conversations rather than just enjoying them naturally. And I take my time to respond to her too if it gets a bit much. She will have noticed a slight difference I think.
If she sent me a question like that, I'd feel very agitated and hassled, very uncomfortable, and it would make me want less communication with her.

Maybe your friend disagrees with you about something fundamental and doesn't want to get into it?

Your friend doesn’t give a rats ass about you, move on or let her chase you. Find new friends.

Sorry not read the full post OP, my DD did this last year and said she feels lighter for not being tied to a beeping phone.

I message as and when but do not expect a reply, I was told to ring if there’s anything pressing that needs dealing with so I do that occasionally.

we make a point of speaking once a week, often when she’s walking to the post office as she works from home and has a lot to do in the working day.

could you just ring her now and again to catch up, I much prefer the personal chats than the texts myself.

@saraclara the reassurance thing was about another poster’s situation, but I don’t think there’s anything unhealthy in some one off reassurance. Repeated reassurance I realise is not healthy, but I’ve not asked for any (and if you read my last few posts you’ll see I have decided not to text at all - I am taking on board others’ views).

As I’ve also said in another post, it’s not that her life has got busier (not that it needs to have, but it’s not the same as what you’ve described).

@FantasticButtocks fairly sure it’s not that. Neither of us have any outlandish views and we have disagreed fairly robustly but happily in the past.

I have resolved not to text her because on some level I also agree with the poster who said not to ask someone in what manner they want you to fuck off.

I also appreciate the (probably most balanced) comments that this is probably a side effect of wishing to be on her phone less.

Unfortunately her birthday is in November so I think it would be hard to leave a natural break until then. I am also having a baby in a few weeks and it would seem churlish not to update her on its arrival.

I may need to rethink the baby shower she said she wanted to organise for me though…

she's not saying she doesn't want contact though, I'm sure she'll be in touch, she literally just looking to change her own habits.

I think it is probably not your messages, but Facebook, mumsnet, or whatever she uses, that she would like to avoid. I love talking/messaging to my friend who lives a long way from me, and who has problems using phonecalls for communication, however once I pick up my phone to answer her messages it doesn't stop there and I struggle to find the will power to keep off all these entertaining social media sites, wasting so much of my time, which I should be using more creatively, to feel my best mentally.

I would just leave it for now. If you’re having a baby soon then of course you can text her to tell her that!

Also if she is your friend and she is organising a baby shower then surely she will get in touch.