Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

You're making this all about you. Your messages aren't the only thing on her phone even if you are the one she'd speak to most - there's multiple distractions and opportunities for mindless scrolling on smartphones which is widely accepted as fairly bad for mental health, being present with family etc etc. She's obviously affected by that and taking a positive step address it & feel calmer. You're being a bit selfish.

Well thankfully it can’t be both that I am taking it too personally/being selfish AND should be mortified and reflecting on my role. Perhaps I’m only dreadful in one major way.

Anyway, I have listened and won’t be asking her what she wants/what would suit her. I appreciate what lots of you have said about that. The aim was only ever to NOT be/be more overwhelming.

FWIW I don’t think it’s as straightforward as she has lots of demands from lots of people via the phone (I obviously know her friends/family situation very intimately). Not that that changes what I’ll do but I do think there’s a lot of projection/assumptions from some posters comparing their own situations.

OP, people aren't necessarily projecting but simply giving you other reasons why she might have made this decision that has nothing to do with you as you seem to think this is solely about the contact she has with you

You can't possibly know all the day to day uses she has for her phone but seem adamant that she can't just want time out from using it and it must be about you.

I don't have many close friends at all and those I do would probably say I don't have a lot of 'demands' on me. But I've just had a look at the daily/weekly contacts I have:

:PIL total family chat (updates/photos) daily
:My total family chat 2/3 times a week
:PIL and DH. Daily, childcare, visits
:My Parents and me: daily as arranging brothers 40th
:my brother daily mostly memes
:my best friend. 3/4 times a week and always voice notes
:friend 1 from work. Work gossip, 3 times a week
:mum friend. Daily, lots of photos and advice chat
:group of mums from nursery. 4/5 times a week. Advice, play dates organising
:my mum. General chit chat
:my DH (mostly what should we do for dinner). Daily
:cousin abroad. Daily middle of the night updates and general chit chat. I respond the following day

The above is not exhaustive by any means and I really don't have a massive network of friends at all. But keeping up with the above can be exhausting. And feeling you have to reply or at least acknowledge something takes time and headspace. They aren't necessarily demands as such but do distract you from simply enjoying your day

FWIW I don’t think it’s as straightforward as she has lots of demands from lots of people via the phone

Well there you are then. That's why she's doing this. It's not about your relationship it's about the multiple expectations that she reads and responds via phone all day.

Being distracted by smartphones isn't just about demands from other friends and family. Scrolling through websites and social media, apps and other distractions are just as time consuming and bad for general wellbeing.

You don't need to change your behaviour unless she asks you to, keep messaging as you would but just respect you might not get replies until she's turned flight mode on again. You're not kids or teenagers - this is such a non issue.

I’m sorry you’re feeling upset and can completely understand why. I’ve been in a not dissimilar situation but on the other side. Due to hard things going on I avoided messages for a bit, including with a couple of people I had been in touch with daily. One was very upset and sent me messages much like you suggested sending yesterday, which did alert me to the fact that she was both sad and taking it really personally. Honestly I think she was almost panicking because friendships are such a massive part of life and support network for many many people. MN often seems full of people who don’t have close friends (perhaps why some prefer a forum), but friends are huge for many.

here are some questions I’d like you to ask yourself about her:

• you may be her most frequent contact but does she possibly have infrequent contact with people who cause her stress or pain? Someone she might be wanting a break from entirely?
• The hard things she went though last year - are you sure she’s over it? Might she be feeling depressed? Might the things still be going on?
• does she maybe feel like with your busier lifestyle and impending baby you have “everything” and her life is a bit crap in comparison?

and one about you - why do you think you’re leaping to the conclusion that someone who’s explicitly said they’re having a phone break is not your friend any more? Are you getting enough support in other areas of your life?

in your position I would still text her every couple of days at first and see whether she replies. Sure you will sort this out between you x

Annoyingly I typed a long reply but lost it.

@CraneBoysMysteries

Sorry about repeated posts - MN up to its old tricks again where it claims not to have posted. Report button also broken for me so if anyone else can report the excess posts that would be kind!

And now the opposite!

@CraneBoysMysteries i don’t know what to tell you apart from I have a much better idea of her daily communications than you. Because she tells me. And because I know for eg that most of the people you listed don’t exist for her! I think it’s much more likely all the other phone stuff.

@GoldenCupidon that’s a really considered post, thank you. To answer your questions:
— yes, she does, although I think she communicates with them differently (eg the main one has scheduled landline calls!) but it’s definitely possible
—she is not over it, no. I know she still feels very down at times but she had previously still communicated as normal through that. Very possible that her needs around it have changed even if the feelings haven’t though.—it is possible. I would say most of our lives it’s been very much the other way (me with my chaotic life and her building a stable and fruitful one) but again that doesn’t rule out her having very specific feelings about the current situation.
—I don’t think she’s not my friend! I am sad we won’t have that daily back and forth as we have done for literally years and years. It’s a massive change. Do I have enough support? Hard to say. I don’t have a huge number of friends (I’ve found they tend to drift as you get older and people move away/change lifestyles) so I do place a high value on them. Perhaps too high in this case (in the sense it may weigh heavily on her) although I definitely would have said it’s been fairly even over the years.

Sounds like maybe she has just gone to a new phase of trying to change her life/how she feels then, if she’s been through a distressing time. Maybe she’s going to take up yoga and meditation too and move to an island - or maybe new year just makes us all plan things like that!

i agree that the fact your life used to be more chaotic than hers doesn’t really mean much in the context of today. So much has changed. A best friend having a baby is a huge deal, plus if her situation has been “stable” for longer she may not be happy in it any more, is that a possibility?

the only other thing I wanted to suggest was that people do sometimes do things on their phones that are really bad for them, and from which a detox is a really good thing. For example, looking at harmful SM topics. For example, online gambling. Sure many other examples are available. Even our best friends don’t always know the dark stuff we get up to.

As a change of pace, why not send her a chatty email this weekend some time, “hi X, appreciate your phone detox so I thought a letter might be nice. How are things going with…” That way you’re showing her you still love her and appreciate her as a friend not just “someone to text” if you see what I mean.

I mean even this response is a bit intense isn’t it? People don’t always have to give explanations for their needs or feelings. It’s draining to have to justify our actions.

Sounds like your friend has social anxiety of some sorts. A phone is just a silly device to be reached by friends and family, it connects you to loved ones. In my case I don’t have any apps twitter, Twatter and Instagram do the only notifications I receive are of people in real life that need to get in touch with me. That’s what a phone is for. I can’t imagine telling my friends and loved ones “sorry but I’m disengaging from my phone”. It makes no sense, and if I told that to a friend it would be as an excuse to disengage from her.

@Beefcurtains79 I am literally trying to identify what it is that makes me seem/sound intense. And I’m not asking that poster to justify her actions, literally just understand her view of me. And again, I’ve NOT put these types of questions to my friend at all.

I don't think you sound intense at all. More like baffled at the circumstances and wanting to get it straight in your head.

Don’t worry that a couple of posters think you sound intense. They’re applying their own references to how they imagine your situation. You can let that go.

I'm sorry op,it's baffling for you. Whilst I think your friend is being truthful about using her phone less I agree with other posters that this is also to do with the impending arrival of your baby. Is so she will not want to say this as it sounds selfish & unkind but is just protecting her mental well being. I think you will just have to follow her lead & prepare for a change in the dynamic of your friendship. I know it's hard but you have to respect her boundaries.💐

I’m very sorry to hear about this, OP! I don’t think neither you or your friend are being selfish. I suffer from social anxiety and I hope my experience can be useful!

One of the ways in which it affects me is when I have more than one or two new messages from people I become so overwhelmed that I can’t bring myself to open any of them for days. What I fear is I might not be able to respond appropriately or quickly enough and when I respond, I worry that I'm committing to respond more and that makes me panic. I have written messages like your friend wrote to you in the hopes some friends would understand that at times I can’t keep up with any response timeframes and I told them about it because didn’t want to lose them. It was very difficult to explain my situation and it made me feel ashamed. A friend of mine decided that wasn’t okay for her and decided to cut all communication with me and although I was very sad but I understood, we let each other go and I felt relief after that. Some friends were fine, some weren't and that's okay!

Unfortunately we and people around us change over the years and our needs, as well as our relationships with each other, change with us.
I think you care about your friend, you miss feeling close and you wouldn't want to lose her. I also think your friend might not have been super clear as to what she needs, and I think it’s considerate that you want to ask her what type of communication she’d prefer or letting her know you want to understand what her needs are, for example if she's cutting you off, simply needs time, etc. Firstly, however, I think it’s important for you to decide what matters to you. Is accepting that you might not talk in the way you used to something you are okay with accepting? If you can accept having a friend who could be like me, then accept her and maybe you can get to a place of mutual comfort in terms of chatting. If this isn’t something you’re comfortable with, it's okay to just stop talking I think, you might reconnect later in life!

You know what? I can see why this would annoy you (a bit). I don’t think you sound needy.

The thing about people choosing to take time out for the good of their mental health is that this rather implies that you’d better not need them in the meantime. A while ago, someone on AIBU had a friend do this then be put out when she announced that she was back and the OP wasn’t able to drop everything for her right away.

Your friend doing this may leave a gap which you may fill.

@CruCru I hope it doesn’t come to that. I think it’s true that I can recognise her absolute right to communicate how she wants while also finding it hard that the decision is unilateral.

It’s one of those situations where only one person gets what they want. I can accept that but I think it’s ok not to be thrilled about it.

Don't take it personally.
I feel overwhelmed by my phone and would like to do similar

Sounds like she's made a New Years resolution to spend less time on her phone

How are you OP? Have you had any contact with your friend?

I wondered this too
I'm having one of those days where I feel like yelling at my best mate "where the hell are you".

I have a feeling if I stop contact, I won't hear for months. So I can really relate to OP wanting to say something.

@MiddleOfTheNightAgain thanks for asking. I’m ok. I’ve been trying to stay busy as I assume that’s what she is trying to do and it’s no bad thing. I text her and told her something funny a mutual acquaintance had done. She responded several hours later acknowledging it and telling me she’d sent me a late Xmas present.

Tbh it all felt a bit stilted and unnatural but I took on board the advice not to push her so just left it at that.