Friend completely changed our ‘norms’ of communication

[OttilieKnackered]

I’ve been best friends with someone for well over 20 years. A few years ago, she moved away.

Since then, we would chat over text pretty much every day. Sometimes all day. Sometimes if life got busy, a little less.

We’ve both had a pretty hard last year and I would say leant on one another for advice/venting at various times. We talk about a mixture of big issues/petty complaints/total fluff like strictly.

I did not hear from her for several days from NYE and after a couple of messages about various unimportant things just sent a ‘Hope everything is ok, here if not’ message. She eventually replied that she has decided to now keep her phone on aeroplane mode and away from her for most of the time and is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

Since I am undoubtedly the person she would hear from most I’m gutted to hear that not hearing from me has been ‘lovely.’ She of course has every right to use her phone as she wishes but since she is so far away that basically means a massive reduction in our communication. I don’t feel like I can send her the normal lightheartedness nonsense that loses its currency if it’s not seen for 12 or 24 or 36 hours, and I feel like I should only message if I have ‘news.’

I have tried to gently ask what she wants in terms of communication going forward but all shes done is reiterated that she feels relaxed and hasn’t had anything to update me on.

I’m feeling totally bereft if I’m perfectly honest. She has completely changed/removed our main form of communication. She has also not once asked me how I am since making this decision about her phone usage.

Do I just need to accept her way of doing things from now on, or is it worth me being honest about how it’s made me feel?

I want to make clear I haven’t been harassing her and know that ultimately it’s completely up to her how and when she communicates. I’m just sad that she has made this unilateral decision.

@BritAbroad101 a co-dependent relationship is where one half is always the support and the other always the caretaker. That’s not the case here.

I feel for you. My old best friend and i were always sending each other random stuff. It was def both ways. Then one day told me i was overwhelming her and thenput me on silent.
I felt so stupid, as i really thought it was 2 way and weve been friends for years. I still miss her

I can absolutely see how this hurts.

What do you hope for from telling her how you feel about it, though? Are you wanting reassurance that she still values your friendship?Is there a way of nurturing your bond without querying her decision to reduce her availability by phone?

I'd worry that if you lay your hurt feelings at her feet, she'd likely feel trapped or emotionally blackmailed or otherwise resentful that you're pushing / questioning her boundary. It may cement her decision to pull back, as it's unlikely to make her feel more relaxed / less overwhelmed if you let her know you are experiencing her decision as rejection or abandonment.

(This is how it would feel to me, in her position.)

You need to accept her decision and deal with your own feelings, rather than challenging her right to respond to messages at her convenience.

This is not about you. It's about her.

She says

. is finding herself feeling calmer and said being away from her phone had been ‘lovely.’

She is doing this for her MH and well-being.

Your OP is all about you, your thoughts and beliefs about this being about you and about how it makes you feel.

This is clearly something she needs to do and you need to accept it.

Give it another name then: “co-codependent” or whatever you want

Its not healthy

I was going to to type something similar. You seem to he totally disregarding that your friend feels better using her phone less. Do you expect her to do something that makes her feel worse just so she can respond to your texts quicker?

Why not plan in some quality time with her in person or schedule a phone call so you can catch up?

I think that for her it is probably more about her phone use and not specifically about your relationship/communication.
If she has made a resolution to stay away from her phone as much as possible then you definitely need to be tolerant/supportive about that. So many people are suffering stress from overchecking of phones. I think she has probbly done something that is very important and potentially beneficial for her.
It has been hard for you, but you simply have to accept that. Perhaps suggest a weekly phone call instead?

I really would try not to take this too personally. Similarly I don't live near enough my closest friend to see her often so we also chat via text most days. But lately we've both pulled back a bit not because we think any less of each other or want the friendship to change but because even chit chat takes up mental space and it's good to have a little break from it. Also, your friend may have been spending time on her phone mindlessly scrolling etc and just wants to break that cycle (I know I do!)

This is hard for you. But as others have said maybe you too could use this as an oppertunity to step away from your own phone and take chance to do something else. Do you have hobbies or interests? I find running just the best to clear your head. Maybe leave it now snd plan to meet up In parson or phone weekly.

I see it's tough for you op.

Ok, to challenge a couple of things.

I totally get this is her decision (as I’ve made clear more than once) and have no intention of ‘challenging’ her. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to find this sudden change difficult and upsetting.

My intention in asking her would be to try and find out what kind of communication level/style SHE would be comfortable with, so if she has been overwhelmed, that doesn’t continue to happen.

And yes, this post is about my feelings. She has acted to take care of her own feelings, now I am trying to do the same, while completely taking account of hers.

I feel for you OP and I think you're getting a hard time here, there's no reason why a friendship where this level of communication is the norm/mutually ok with both parties is childish or non adult.

I've been doing a lot of reading about boundaries in the last year and trying to work on both communicating my boundaries to others and reacting better when other people set boundaries with me, and I think this falls into the "ok for her to set a more rigid boundary, ok for you to feel sad about the change". Neither of you are in the wrong! I know I'd feel unsettled/hurt at first too but hopefully your friendship can adjust. The thing I've been working really hard on is trying not to feel personally rejected when other people express boundaries - i realise that in the past I've taken things very personally then fallen into the trap of trying to guilt trip people to change and it just makes me feel horrible.

It could be a short-lived New Years Resolution.
Its something I would do and in all honestly I wouldn’t think of the impact the other end. Which admittedly sounds quite selfish now I have written it, but it wouldn’t have come from a selfish place - just me closing in on myself for a bit because everything got too much. Maybe it’s the same for her?
Dont push her, wait for her to come back to you. Maybe she has a lot going on or just needs to have a break from things, or maybe she’s just had enough. Give her space and see what happens.

@Lilithslove how am I disregarding it?? I made this post specifically to ask if it would be ok to get a clearer sense of what SHE wants (never mind what I want).

I have NOT challenged her at all. All I have really said is I’m glad that she’s found being away from her phone has made her feel better.

And I can’t schedule a meet up. She lives hundreds of miles away.

I think this happens a lot in January in different ways. Eg. People go sober for a month without thinking about the people they usually drink with, or give up smoking Which leaves their friend at work alone on smoke breaks. But those aren't bad things for the people making those resolutions, in fact they could be really positive changes for them. It's difficult when people make changes which change the status quo and leave old friends with an absence in their lives. Usually one of two things happen, you both grow in different directions and find a way to 'fill the gap' this change has, or a few days or weeks down the line the friend who made the resolution goes back on it and things go back to normal.

That said, if she is your friend then you that should be someone you can tell when they've upset you. Perhaps send a message saying something like 'I know that it's a positive thing for you to be trying to limit your phone use but I can't help but feel like this is a rejection of me.' And see what she thinks, she might not have realised the impact on you, or she might be intentionally setting a boundary. But it gives you space to talk about it and work it out.

This is assuming that there's a phone obsession going on though

I just liked having lots of messages from friends, I don't think there's anything weird about that. Hobbies are a separate issue. You don't feel better about missing someone because you have hobbies. Many things come together to form a life, for years, OP's friend was a huge part of that.

I am definitely mindful it may well not be personal. Or that it may be partially personal, and if so, what can I do to make sure I don’t overwhelm her or whatever. I think what is hard is that she’s not really explicitly said why she feels better, eg less scrolling, less pressure to respond or whatever.

My question is how to navigate this without putting any pressure on her. I am quite allowed to be as upset as I want in private.

Perhaps send a message saying something like "i know that it's a positive thing for you to be trying to limit your phone use but I can't help but feel like this is a rejection of me."

Ugh. Please don't. That sounds horribly needy.

Just say that you get it, we're all too attached to our phones these days, that she's doing the right thing, but that you'll miss your chats.

Well, it seems clear that she either wants to back off from you specifically or at least no longer finds you important enough to be an exception in her new phone break decision. It could be she's just more one-way than you noticed before and doesn't want to be your shoulder to cry on even though you have been that for her.

Regardless, it is a rejection. Not a great feeling, I'm sure, especially since you've been given no idea of why or chance to fix anything you may have done that she didn't like.

However, I think when people decide to back off or move on from someone, this is how they usually do it. Talking to the other person about it would be more typical if they wanted to salvage the relationship. As you say, I don't think you have much choice but to move on too.

I had a close friend who did something similar, then a couple of years later tried to come back like nothing had ever happened. I declined because I had been absolutely flattened by being dumped without warning and didn't want to give her the chance to do it again.

I had another friend years ago who suddenly backed off from her many friends, me included. Later we learned she had been involved in an affair, who she eventually left her husband for. I think she was just probably just too engrossed in her illicit affair to bother with us anymore or knew we wouldn't approve or whatever. So you really just never know why, unfortunately (at least not at the time!)

Sorry this has happened to you too. It does hurt. 😥

As I said, having it twice, I'd not message and see what happens.

I was planning to text something like:

I was hoping to get a sense of how you want to communicate going forward, without adding to the sense of overwhelm. Would you prefer I only message when there’s something important to say?

Is that too direct? Not standing up for myself enough?

It sounds like you are ready and actually want to talk about it

so be prepared
you might get radio silence

you might get a blunt answer saying "actually I want to pull back from this friendship". Anything could happen.

I'm sorry, I know it's a shit position to be in.

Don't pester her about this. Just carry on, but only message when you've something to actually tell her, rather than just to pass the time.

She has her phone on airplane mode. She's not blocked you. She's just choosing when she sees messages instead of having notifications all day. I should do the same to be honest.

I meant to quote you with my last post. Really, don't quiz her about her decision. That just adds to the stress she's clearly feeling about the pressures of messaging in general.

I would only be asking in order to try and understand what she wants. I don’t think the example message is quizzing/pestering her, is it? It’s about ensuring I understand the issue.

This approach in itself is possibly a good example of what she’s trying to avoid

Not everything has to be highly-structured, highly-understood, governed by rigid “rules” of when you should and shouldn’t message etc.

Just be casual.

If the way you naturally behave (even when being “casual”) isn’t for her then sounds like this friendship has run it’s course.

Text her in a couple of weeks