An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

That's dreadful. Has the will actually been made? She could have easily given him a life tenancy with the house then passing to you on his death. Worth discussing with her?

Sorry it’s upsetting but they have been married for a long time he is her husband. Her money her choice I’m afraid. She has dangled the carrot for a long time but it was a form of control. Don’t give yourself guilt about it - she is your Mum if you want to spend time with her do but don’t expect to get anything for doing it. Good luck in the difficult times ahead.

I am sorry this has come as a shock at a time you are also dealing with your Mum’s illness and diagnosis.

Hindsight, but also a shame you didn’t discuss her Will years ago when she raised it. Brushing off talking death is as much dismissing the person’s need and respond to get their affairs sorted as it is saintly and altruistic.

How ill is your Mum at present?

Without raising the issue of trust, which could come across as criticism etc, could you say she could protect her DH’s residence in the house by giving him a life interest? This would mean that her share would be left to you but he has the right to live there until he dies, and would also protect your share from being used for care home fees. Tell her she might prefer to think of her ££ going to you rather than to the state?

If not, you have no alternative than to believe your own narrative really. And rely on trust. Whatever his failings, he has presumably put up with your narcy Mum for 25 years!

Really sorry you are in this situation.

This is so tricky and I really feel for you. Have you ever had some therapy? It might be a good time as that could offer you a sounding board and also a space to let your emotions run wild.

This is because you must feel so many things: anger, betrayal, sadness and loss as it sounds like she will die, maybe some relief at that as well.

My feeling is that you need to say how much this hurts you and how it seems to go against everything she has said before. But also as she dies you still need to be able to tell how you did love her, even though it was a complicated love.

Basicaly to try and set yourself up to be able to manage your grief after she dies so things aren’t left unsaid forever.

I had a very similar situation OP & it hurt like shit. If step df died first my dm kept everthing and it was eventually split between me & my siblings. If she died first step df took everything & then passed it all onto his brother. So we had nothing.

You have a chance to tell her how hurt you are. If I were you I'd use it.

Your mother has indeed let you down and has held this inheritance over you like a carrot. It was used by her against you as a form of control. To a narcissist money equals leverage, triangulation, power and control. You took the bait and money is a favourite tool of narcissists to draw you into their web.

She's always been a narcissist and still very much is one; she has not changed at all. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so need a willing enabler to help them; that person here being your stepfather. They can also be as narcissistic as their wife is or are otherwise discarded; that is probably also why you and he do not get on.

It may be an idea for you to seek further clarification from a Solicitor re your mother's estate.

Doesn't he have an assets of his own? Savings, pension, property?

Remind her of poor Linda Bellingham who trusted her partner to do right by her sons but he took the money & ran, leaving them with nothing!
After that, there's not much you can do but accept her decision. I agree that you should tell her your feelings.

Have you told her exactly how you feel?

Have you told her that if she leaves 50% of the house to you, and 50% of her liquid cash, then you will still be able to help with your Stepfathers house expenses, as you will be part-owner and responsible for maintenance on the property.

Have you sat down with both him and her?

I’m so sorry, it’s unbearably shitty. My FIL
did the same to my DH - despite promising his children were in his will, turns out they weren’t. It is the emotional gut punch you don’t need, especially with a troubled relationship.

At least she told you, I suppose, rather than finding out once she was gone.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that she leaves it to her husband. After all he is her life partner and has been with her 25 yrs. It’s his home and I’m sure has contributed to it over the years in some way. I expect it will go to him automatically as her husband (if no will made).

I don’t think this is unusual in any way and I would be pretty hurt if my DH did not leave his half of the house to me, meaning I would have to leave. If that happened I would not be able to buy a home with half the money as it would not be enough.

I get that your Step-F may not leave you anything upon his death which could happen and I agree if her wishes are that you receive something, she should have made provision for this. As you say though, she can do with it what she likes.

You said she made the original plan some years ago but people and circumstances change. 🤷‍♀️

he can be given a lifetime interest including the right to down size given the length of marriage I would think 50% directly to him and a lifetime interest in the other 50% would be fair, you should have talked to your mother when she first raised it instead of ignoring her, you saying it didn't matter and putting it off could have been interpreted that you werent bothered about getting any inheirtance and she could leave it all to cats home for all you cared, the fact she raised it multiple times and you brushed it off maybe reinforced her belief that you didn't want any

Also when she was newly married it would have seemed sensible not to give house to her new Dh but as time wore on this no longer seemed right to right him out of inheiritance

legally he of course may have some claim on the estate, as he has no other property certainly in the event of a divorce the fact that his name wasn't on deeds would not mean it was not a marital asset,

I have been told ( though not sure if legally correct) that a will that leaves a spouse worse off than a divorce would is likely to be contestable

Tell her how hurt you are. She’s lied and disinherited you. It doesn’t get worse than that.

The hardest thing is to accept that DM is never going to be the mother you want and need. You want a real mother but you got a random who gave birth.

Accept she’s not much good. It’s hard. Very hard. Stop wanting a mother from her - it won’t happen.

She probably won’t die for ages (they linger) so take a couple of months off to have a think. Put yourself first.

I'm sorry OP, this is really shitty and I would be very hurt too.

I don’t think this is unusual in any way and I would be pretty hurt if my DH did not leave his half of the house to me, meaning I would have to leave. If that happened I would not be able to buy a home with half the money as it would not be enough.

Are you in a second marriage or a first one, for either you or your DH? This was my FIL’s wife’s feelings too (with a much shorter marriage than 25 years) but it seemed to me very emotionally unintelligent to not even consider that stepfamilies present unique problems to the ‘all goes to spouse automatically’ view.

Your mum tried for years to speak to you about an inheritance and you wouldn’t speak to her over it. Now she’s ill and finally you spoke about it. She’s done nothing wrong. Her husband has been her husband for 25 years and he’s legally entitled to what she has. You say you are of the mind that no one deserves an inheritance but here you are upset that you won’t get one.

im sorry that you face losing your mum and she told you you would receive some money but her money is her money, perhaps if you’d had the conversation earlier when she asked things might be different.

It sounds like a horrible situation, OP, and you have my sympathies.

I do agree though that it’s best to talk about these things openly and honestly as there are ways to balance and protect everyone’s interests. I don’t understand the view that discussing death and practicalities arising is somehow morbid or a moral failing.

You need to be honest with her that you're hurt and disappointed with her decision, and I would point out that she can "wish" in her will that her DH leaves you something but that's all it is, a wish with absolutely no legal standing.

DH's Mum bought a house outright with her divorce settlement from DH's Dad. She then remarried, and was diagnosed with cancer shortly after. On her death, she left the house to her new DH (who was an arsehole of a stepfather to DH and promptly threw him out aged 17). He then left the property to his own DC, so DH and his sister didn't get a penny and it was a substantial inheritance.

The only thing I'd add is that people sometimes make strange decisions when they're terminally ill so I would encourage her to talk this through with a solicitor.

I would tell her how hurt you are and that in fact you will get nothing

better she states that her half goes to you but with the proviso that he can remain in the house until either he sells, or he dies. As to her liquid assets she could split them in half as well

@PussInBin20
I expect it will go to him automatically as her husband (if no will made).

Nope! Not necessarily, depending on the value of the house and savings. There are rules for what happens if someone dies without a will.

Also, legal arrangements for someone to continue living in the home after the death of a spouse, even if the share of property has been left to offspring.

This is why it is important for people to discuss a will in depth with a solicitor, then make a valid Will and not take advice from random people on the internet

I would let her know you are disappointed. Ask her if she has recently saught advice from a professional will writter /solicitor? Ideally to provide fairness all round she would leave the property in Trust, with you the ultimate beneficary on your stepfathers death. In the meantime he would be free to live and have full benefit of the house for the remainder of his life, and/or move and use the proceeds for an alternative property (witht he trustees permission), however ultimately the property is owned by the trsut with yourself the beneficary of the property on death. That would be the fairest outcome for all, but you can't make her change her will.

You start by saying she can leave her money to whomever and no-one is entitled to an inheritance, but then are clearly devastated at this outcome. This is her husband, everything defaults to him as next of kin without a will. Has she made one? You can tell her you’re upset, but I doubt she’ll change her mind. You say she’s a narcissist so I can’t see her changing her attitude.

How would your mum feel if your stepfather remarries and leaves it all to his new wife? That is very common.

Your mother will be following the path of least resistance. Her DH will have been telling her for years that he needs the house to live in and all her savings to boot. You do at least need to tell her how you feel. So difficult to do this when she is so ill. I am sorry you are in this position.

If she wishes she can set up a trust, so he has a life interest and you still inherit half the value on his death.