An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

My FIL announced to DH that he would leave it all to 2nd wife and trust her to do remember his blood children/her step children in her will. DH kept cool and told him to see a solicitor. There was a bit of huffing and puffing about the cost but he did eventually. FIL explained his (not so) cunning plan to the solicitor, who told him: relying on wife2 to do the right thing is not a good idea. Instead put the house in a life rent trust.

Children can claim something like a third of the cash in Scotland but that does't help you with the house.

Press her to see a solicitor. Getting a neutral third party involved might help her see sense.

I was utterly baffled by your post all the way through @anotherNameJustForThis right until I got to the end. I couldn’t understand how a good relationship with a loving mother had come to this.
then you shared that actually the relationship had always been tricky and you’d asked for help with her narcissism over the years.
unfortunately, lovely, I don’t think she ever intended to leave you money. It’s been an exercise in control and manipulation this whole time.
if she’s cruel, she’s also told you what she’s done to see your pain and witness how you react.
I’m so, so sorry 💐

her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over
This bit really stands out for me, unfortunately these leopards do not, cannot change their spots. It's just the way she operates ....her modus operandi is to control you for her own gain. All you can do is try to out manoeuvre her 😕
I know it sucks and it's painful to acknowledge but I think it's better to try and have your eyes open about what you're dealing with 🙏

Have your DM & SF actually made wills ?

They can make their own wills or have mirror wills now

They have had 25 years to do this !

Yes, they've made wills.

DM told me they'd updated their wills approx 5 years ago to what I described in my OP. However, she has told me lies during this past 5 years of what is in the will. Now she has admitted it. I don't know why she bothered as I'd obviously find out after she's gone

That's helpful 🙄

Having been through a similar situation, my advice would be NOT to press for the SF to have a lifetime interest in the house. He could live on for another 20 years and then somehow you would have to negotiate / keep in contact / sort it all out again when he dies. Then maybe everyone has forgotten what should happen according to DM's will, and you never get your share at all.
Much better to get a final agreement now, a small inheritance now for grandchildren perhaps - than to have that emotional and practical burden hanging over you for who knows how long.

That's a worry (if she was to do that).

I can't imagine that I'll keep in touch much with Step-DF. Not because I can't bear him or anything, but because we have no connection and dont particularly care for each other. There's no bad feeling (well, there has been at times over the years so there may be from him), just no fondness.

I think DM forgets at times that we are not a traditional family with mum, dad and 2 kids. We are 2 families brought together by a single connection. When that connection is broken (by death) then I see it that the 2 families will go their separate ways. I wonder if I am unusual in thinking that way?

I think DM forgets at times that we are not a traditional family with mum, dad and 2 kids. We are 2 families brought together by a single connection. When that connection is broken (by death) then I see it that the 2 families will go their separate ways. I wonder if I am unusual in thinking that way?

No I haven’t seen my stepmum since my DF funeral 14 years ago, we are on Christmas/Birthday card contact only, we haven’t spoken either. I’ve no wish too, we have nothing in common now.

I think DM forgets at times that we are not a traditional family with mum, dad and 2 kids. We are 2 families brought together by a single connection. When that connection is broken (by death) then I see it that the 2 families will go their separate ways. I wonder if I am unusual in thinking that way?

No, not at all. We were young adults when my DF married his second wife. She doesn’t even have our phone numbers; when he fell ill, she got him to call us from the hospital rather than tell us herself. She’ll be getting everything when he dies, and it’ll then go to her brother. I doubt she’d even tell us about the funeral until it’s over.

Unfortunately this is common.

My mum and step father set up a lifetime interest for each share of the flat they lived in to be held under trust and since my step dad died his daughters own this share now. Eventually they will get it when my mum dies. All her money and her share of the property goes to me and my siblings and my step dad left his to his daughters. All very clear and seems fair.

My husbands dad died and left the house and cash to his second wife with the understanding when she died it would be split between her descendants and my husband and his brother. She honoured that and when she died the estate was split four ways. However we got on well with her so if relations were strained it might have ended up differently.

I would point out to your DM that as you and SF don't get on the house will eventually go to your step brother or a new wife if he takes one after she dies. Is that what she wants? It seems likely your SD has been manipulating her which is rubbish for you but not unusual.

@Cornishclio

"I would point out to your DM that as you and SF don't get on the house will eventually go to your step brother or a new wife"

This thought seems to have made her think.

I've had a gentle chat with DM explaining that the trust she puts in her DH to include me in his will means nothing in law and Step-DF may live a long time with that little ear worm (his DS and partner - she doesn't dislike the partner but doesn't care for her enough to leave her anything). Someone mentioned upthread 'the path of least resistance' and I think this would be the one Step-DF would choose.

She still thinks he will do as she has instructed and include me but seems to accept that things can change - it was the thought of him potentially going into care, not that he would ever disinherit me, that made her reconsider.

She said she will think about it and maybe go and see her solicitor to make changes to the will.

I was really worried she'd think I was being money-hungry but she seemed to accept it was more about what disinheriting me symbolises - and (I hate to say this) she is more worried about how she will look if this 'gets out'. She is already priming me with things to say after she is gone to protect her from gossip (she has lied about her age, for example, and I have promised that her DOB will not be mentioned anywhere - order of service, eulogy, etc). I think she's worried I'd tell people about her will, her age and other things so maybe is trying to keep me sweet??

She still said all of her cash will go to him but was astonished when I told her that Scots Law doesn't allow children to be disinherited from moveable assets (thanks to a PP I looked into this and it's true). I didn't say I would contest that after her death (as I may not) but it made her consider that it might be an unreasonable thing to do.

Thanks to everyone for commenting. It's helped me pluck up the courage to discuss this with DM at least. And ultimately it's her decision what she does. At least she now knows my views.

Have you seen a copy of her actual will?

No I haven't.

Would that be usual? It wouldn't occur to me to ask, as she's now explained what's in it.

And if I ask to see it once she has changed it (if she does) surely it'll look like I don't believe her.

@anotherNameJustForThis glad you are making progress. Just to say that making a valid claim on an estate isn't Contesting the Will, it's an application that will go through without dispute.

I think you owe it to yourself to be honest about how you feel. In hindsight you should have been having these conversations. It's likely that in not doing so you've not had 'input' and this is the consequence.

Yes I think you're right.

I have been honest now and she can make her decision based on that. I'll likely not discuss it with her again (unless she asks me to)

Why does she think he will do as she has instructed? After all, she certainly has not done as she'd led you to believe she'd do by you.

I see nothing wrong with your having at least 50% of everything. You're her child. That's what parents do. Look out for their children regardless of age.

What did her husband have before they got married?

My mum and stepdad made mirror wills. The first to die left everything to the other; upon the second’s death, everything passed to the children/stepchildren equally (plus some bequests to grandchildren/step grandchildren).

We children were all relatively young adults when my mum and stepdad married (they were in their mid/late 50s). Very sadly we have now lost them both (they were neither of them massively old and we would much rather they were still here) but the wills absolutely did the job they were meant to do. It makes no sense to leave any of this to trust.

See if a discussion with your mother is still possible, OP. Her H can be provided for without you being cut out.

I have an update and I'm hoping some of you who have been through this can share your thoughts.

In short, it's good news! DM has seen fit to change her will.

DM visited her solicitor and has said that, upon her death, I and step brother become joint owners of the house and there is a codicil which states Step-DF can live there for the rest of his life. NB he has never been named on the ownership of the house.

I assume she has done this to avoid care home fees for Step-DF if that was to become necessary and if he inherited the house from her.

I had asked her to put in place a lifetime interest that has been mentioned upthread to protect my inheritance but she has chosen not to.

If I become joint owner, won't I be liable for expenses? What other implications might there be for me? Does it affect me tax-wise?

I am obviously happy that she has done this but I just want to be clear what this means for me. I'm worried about big expenses or maintenance.

Thoughts please?

Glad to hear you are reinherited. Knowing where you stand with your mum at this difficult time is some comfort.

WRT being a joint landlord wih your stepbro with a tenant who pays no rent, I don't know. Interested to hear other people's experiences. Will there be some sort of lease whereby SF pays for repairs and maintenance with the cash your DM has left him? That might be tricky to negotiate with SDB. Is the house generally in good repair?

A stipulation that he can stay livjng in the house IS a life interest, isn’t it?

Oh, and any money in joint accounts will revert to her DH. Any money that is hers / her share, that she intends to go to you and your brother, needs to be in a sole account.

I’m sorry you are needing to think about losing your Mum.

Great that your mum has put arrangements for the house in place. In my experience though, it's not just the bricks and mortar but the contents that are important. I would request that anything of particular importance is yours when your mum dies rather than wait for your stepdad to die. My stepdad destroyed a lot of my dad's belongings and papers after my mum died. He burned the photos. There was no indication he would have ever behaved that way. What was left went to his children and we were left with nothing despite my mum and stepfather's reassurances. Talk to your mum about this.