An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

I should have added, i think rightfully he shoudl; get her savings though they've had a long marriage. The other angle here is that by placing the property in Trist it protects it from care home fees, if he inherits the property outright and requires care it will have to be used to fund his care. If the property is in trust, as the trist owns it the property will not be used/assessed for care home fees. Obviously this may not be an issue as he may not require care....but knowing that the home could all go in fees maybe an abgle to appeal to your mum to put in place better will planning.

This. Perhaps she thought you really weren’t that bothered?

Ask her to consider a trust.

Have you told her how you feel? You have to be honest with her before it's to late. Ask her if she's ok with the fact you will receive nothing and explain what you have said on here x

It’s perfectly clear that the SF will leave the house / money to his son when he dies
and your right not to be happy with that

your mum could easily give your SF a life time interest in the house and give you 50’percent
your stepfather can’t be turfed out
he would be able to downsize
and your 50 percent couldn’t be touched if he needed to go into care home

my mum & dad did this and it was very easy to set up via there wills

Thanks all for replying. To respond to some questions:

A number of PPs have mentioned Step-DF having a ‘life interest’ or ‘life tenancy’: this has, I understand, been a new topic with them as the original plan was that he’d take a share of the property and buy a smaller place in the event of her death. It’s only recently, with her death looming, that he has understandably thought that this would be too much for him and wants to keep the house once she’s gone. They talked of me having part ownership without an ability to force a sale, which sounds like a similar arrangement, but he doesn’t want that.

Some have said that I should have discussed this with her over the years; yes I probably should have. However, I found the conversations upsetting and it made be feel grabby and entitled to discuss. Despite my reluctance, DM often told me what her will said (I summarised that in my OP) so, I understand the contradiction (and feel it strongly) - I am not entitled yet I have been brought up to have a certain expectation which has been confirmed numerous times over the years.

I honestly now think she has used it as a means of control. I’d have been the same daughter to her with or without any inheritance, but perhaps she has suspected otherwise and used the carrot to ‘keep me sweet’. There was no need. I have been a good daughter, despite not always believing she has been a good mother. I wonder if she has been judging me by her own standards?

Someone mentioned DM is likely following the path of least resistance. I think that’s correct.

I might, as others have suggested, tell her that I’m disappointed but I am reluctant as it might look like I’m trying to get her to change her will - obviously a no-no!

I have never relied upon any money coming my way. It’s not a consolation prize for a lost parent. It would have been a cushion to help with various expenses and would have solidified that she had loved me and valued me, despite some behaviours to the contrary. My DH and I are ok financially; we have a mortgage and debt but nothing we can’t manage. This wasn’t a lifeline or anything. I can still be disappointed whilst agreeing that it an inheritance is not an entitlement.

I’ll give it a while, as a PP said. Whilst her prognosis is bad, her death won’t be imminent. I have recently taken comfort in the fact that her prognosis has brought us closer (she says this too) but I’m questioning everything now

Well you wouldn't discuss it with her when she wanted to and add that you weren't bothered. People should be open to discussion about wills etc yes it can be upsetting but everyone dies eventually and it saves ill feeling. The fact remains that your dm and SD have been married for a long time and she probably feels torn but the lifetime interest option seems obvious to mention to your mum. Then your SD doesn't need to be uprooted and you get the benefit later on when SD dies. The cash could be easily what they have accumulated together over the 25 years. If it is her money then it's still pretty normal to leave it to a spouse.
The narcissist/control stuff you already knew about which is why you should always provide for yourself and never rely on inheritance.

They talked of me having part ownership without an ability to force a sale, which sounds like a similar arrangement, but he doesn’t want that.

Can you talk to them both together, to understand any worries he has?

The trouble with part ownership and the like is that he could have to pay you rent for living in the property.

I’m not sure if you’re not being a little unfair to her here - I don’t doubt your mother has been tricky but it sounds like she is trying to broker a solution that includes you? It is hard for her to go against her husband’s feelings and wishes, that is understandable and not necessarily the mark of a selfish uncaring person. Can you support her by talking with your stepfather there too?

I agree, although I'd never do that (but like DM's trust in him, this would be on trust that I wouldn't and obviously no legal standing).

Hi, are you in Scotland? If so, you may still be able to claim in the estate. But best speak to a solicitor

This.

Also I'd withdraw most support. Tell her you're busy working to secure your future.

Which can be sorted out very simply in a will-
Life interest for him and on his death you inherit.

This is a big disappointment to be honest! The first option that you guys discussed made the most sense and now its all left to your SF to make the decision on how much you get?

What's to say he'll give you anything at all?

Also your SF seems very money hungry and I think he's been whispering in your mum's ear.

I'd be so hurt!

Your mother has used the inheritance as a form of control over you over the years
its fairly typical

if you kick up a fuss ( and I would go balistic) you are the bad daughter causing mummy stress so why would she leave you anything

she’s basically tied you up like a kipper

say nothing and you will feel huge resentment against a dying women - your mother

say something and you are a horrible person for causing a dying women - your mother no less stress in her final months

your sort of emotionally screwed both ways

a lifetime Interest trust is very simple to sett up man’s cost around £400 -£500 if done with a solicitor

it basically protects your half of the house from being used as care home fees

you wouldn’t actually own your 50 percent until your stepfather dies
From my memory the trust is created by your mother death via her will
and generally their is a clause that ensure that your stepfather is still responsible for maintaining the property and not you

you can’t force a sale or move into the property until your Sf dies as he has the right to reside in the property
even if he remarried the new wife can’t touch your 50 percent

your SF can still sell and downsize

my sister and myself were the trustees of my mums half when she died which went to my sister and my son

when my dad passed away the whole house went to my sister and my son as beneficiaries of both my parents will

Only thing I forgot to do is to register the trust with HMRC 😂😂 but you get 2 years after the death to do this

I would just be blunt with your Mum and say "so I will not inherit anything from you even after your husband dies as it will go to his son instead".

If she say he's promised, just turn it back around and go "yes like you always promised me".

Yea it's her decision but I won't pussy foot around her lies and the reality of the situation.

With a lifetime interest trust your SF can’t charge you rent for your half
as he access to the whole house it’s his he could paint it bright yellow and pink and you couldn’t stop him

he could change the locks and never let you in as he has the right to reside there

your 50 percent is in trust - created by your mums death
you can’t get your hands on the 50 percent or do anything b until your SF dies or the will - trust says otherwise

some might have a clause “ untill he remarries. But in most cases it’s when he dies

www.phrsolicitors.co.uk/legal-services-for-individuals/wills-and-probate/resources/dying-without-will-rules-intestacy

Dying without a will – the rules of intestacy

I agree with this. Tell her clearly that she is disinheriting you. If that is what she wants then fine, but make sure she is clear that is how you understand it, and that she knows herself is what will happen.

Well her dh can step up while you step back op.
Be less available.. Suggest he does ex and z. Tell her you are working more to provide for your future now she has changed the goalposts.

It may be an idea for you to seek further clarification from a Solicitor re your mother's estate.

No need, it really is that simple - if OP's mum leaves everything to her dh he is then entitled to do with it as he wants, or it will be frittered away in care fees. There is no obligation for him to make any provision for op in his will.

My sister and I are in this situation. DF died, StepM inherited everything and despite it being DF’s stated wish that the estate be split between StepM’s dc and us when she dies, that isn’t going to happen- we will get nothing. It is what it is I’m afraid.

This. It will go to his son or his next wife. She needs to have this pointed out crystal clear. And that there are sensible options to prevent it (trusts etc)

"She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).
Or
If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.
(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)"

I was wondering about OP seeking clarification from a Solicitor re the points her mother made in OPs initial post. It looks like OPs mother has done up the OP like a kipper; as OPs mother is a narcissist this is not all that surprising and I am not surprised at this latest development. I do not actually think she had any intention whatsoever of leaving one penny to her daughter. Money and promises of are often made to further ensnare and other trap people into their dysfunctional web.

My FIL is the same by the way. Promised specific assets to his children. Now they're being liquidated it's all about the new wife and her kids 🙄