An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

Also OP, you need to have these conversations ASAP.

Talk to a solicitor today. Tell her she needs to talk to a solicitor ASAP.

Have these conversations now. Time is not on your/ her side. You cannot pussy foot around.

My DPs have told us their wishes for years - obviously different scenario to you - but talking about death and what happens with assets / money needs to be a normal conversation in our society.

Essentially she needs to be under no illusion that if she carries out her current plan, there is no certainty at all that you would get any of her estate.

You said you were in Scotland- that means you have Legal Rights as a child but it only relates to moveable property (e.g. cash) not immovable (e.g. houses) so your claim wouldn’t relate to the house. But worth speaking to a lawyer to understand more.
A liferent situation is pretty much made
for this situation so I can’t understand why you would be disappointed.

This happened to my mum when her mum died. My Nan married my step-grandad when I was little, so they were maybe married for 15-20 years when she died. They discussed things as a couple and decided that when either of them died, everything would pass to the other. They each then said that as the surviving partner, they would leave everything as a 3 way split between his child and her two children. Since she died he's already changed his mind. 50% to his child and 25% to my mum and 25% to her sibling. (His son is a multimillionaire so why he would change it I don't know). Anyway, he's since re-married again so potentially everything will just be left to his new wife if he dies first and my mum won't get any inheritance. She's also of the mind that nobody is entitled to an inheritance, but we know from the initial agreement that my nan would have wanted her to have something which is what makes it sad.

From SF's point of view, he's been married for 25 years and has contributed to the household.

It would be pretty usual for a spouse to inherit the whole estate if all DC are adult and not in need of financial support.

You say that you and he aren't close, so maybe he was fearful of how you'd behave towards him if you owned the house and had a lump of the cash. How would he cover any care fees he may need? He'd not be able to move into a private facility, but would instead be at the mercy of state provision. Meanwhile, you would be comfortably off thanks to the proceeds of a house that was his home for 25 years.

I'm not saying he's right. I'm not saying you are greedy. I'm not saying that your DM hasn't been unfair and possibly manipulative.

But I'm just giving some thought to how he sees his future potentially panning out when his darling wife dies.

The sideways disinheritance trap. Very common unfortunately.

There are a number of things your mother could put in place to ensure her assets passed to you (even if not immediately). She has chosen not to, instead ensuring that your step fathers son will be the ultimate beneficiary. It’s up to you to decide what to do with that information and how it affects your relationship with her.

I’m sorry for you, it must be a big shock.

It would be pretty usual for a spouse to inherit the whole estate if all DC are adult and not in need of financial support.

Yes absolutely - IF the spouses are both the parents of the DC. If the OPs parents were still married then there would be an expectation that the marital assets would pass eventually to the children of the marriage. This isn’t the case here. It’s why second and subsequent marriages should always be considered carefully from a financial and legal standpoint.

Sadly I don't think you will see any of the money, he will leave it to his son.

It's your mother's legacy and it should come to you. Just as I want everything of mine to go to my sons when the time comes. DH and I have made wills, the house to each other, but some other assets go directly to our children.

I have a rental property with no mortgage that would go to them. It just ensures that if a situation arose where DH met somebody else, they have something substantial of mine and won't ever have to rely on someone keeping a promise.

How frustrating and horrible for you OP. I have a similar DM. Always brings up “my inheritance” for no apparent reason (I know your DM has a reason now but previously did not). Never understood why but think it has something to do with keeping a relationship with her, we’ve had several issues in the past and she is also a narcissist.

My DM recently offered me to buy one of her houses for £50k which is obviously way below market value BUT this is a house that I grew up in and have a LOT of bad memories. The house needs a lot of work doing on it, is also very near to where my DM lives, I would have to change DD’s school etc. and we already own our own house (it is on the market but we wouldn’t ever consider living where DM lives because it’s very rural and too far from anything and everything including mine and DH’s work). Anyway when I politely said no thank you, and that my brother would not like that idea anyway, DM went in a right huff and repeated that she’ll just have to marry her DP then… why? I don’t know. Have no idea what that achieves if she was offering it to me as a way of helping me out. Also this house is currently being rented by her nephew who doesn’t pay any rent to her but he pays all the household bills, so essentially living there for free. When I rented it off her years ago after she moved out I had to pay £60 a week + the bills. ok that’s cheap but nephew is renting it for free!! Anyway that’s another story. But what I don’t understand is why doesn’t she just sell it on the open market then and make some money (as there is no mortgage on it), and also give my brother and I some inheritance if she wants to help us out so much! Since she’s not gaining off it anyway!

I know I’ve gone on about myself but I do really feel for you OP. I worry the same will happen to me, there will be no inheritance because DM works in mysterious ways and prefers helping out other people instead of her own flesh and blood, similarly to your DM it seems so I’m not counting on anything because it’s just a way to keep us on her side for many years to come.

I think being accused of Banking on money is pretty harsh.
Being completely left out of a parents will is, I imagine, possibly one of the worst feelings ever. It's not all about money it's the rejection. I know a couple of very upset people that it happened to and they're not money grabbing at all.
It's not like Op is saying she wants him out and will only be happy with 100% . Plus her dm has been saying all sorts of promises over the years only to change her mind, which is natural over a long period of time and wills should be updated regularly, but to then leave her nothing is unreasonable. Can anyone imagine doing that to their dc? I can't.

This, I completely agree

I was completely confused until you mentioned dm 'narcissistic tendencies'.

Narcissists enjoy playing with people's emotions and the power it gives them.

She probably never intended to give you half of her estate but has made you believe it purely so she can hurt you at the 11th hour.

Narcs don't experience live in relationships. People are possessions and power. My own narc Mum's Mum (my Gran) cut my Mum out of her will and never told her. She gave everything to my Auntie.

Call her bluff. Say you are delighted not to inherit because you can't offer her the support and care she needs because your dc need you. Tell her it is a huge weight off your shoulders to know SF will be doing all of her care.

I think your refusal to discuss things with her over the previous years, when she has wanted to sort things but you have refused to engage, and now this is the outcome.

I get why you are upset, you are going to miss out on cash, but you cant say she doesnt value you, as i could be said your reluctance to discuss it before showed you didnt value what was important to her.

Your post reminds me of this one @anotherNameJustForThis They seem to be in a very similar situation, and as I've read that ops posts their mum doesn't sound a nice person just like your mum.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4710486-how-do-i-make-peace-with-this?page=1

I haven't got any suggestions. If she is so sure her partner will make sure you inherit something through his will, they could write them both at the same time to state this wish. But, ultimately you can't force anyone to leave you anything in their will, but you can decide how much of your time & life you wish to spend with someone who doesn't appear to feel about you in the way you thought 💐

People who say the entitlement baffles them are usually being disingenuous.
We all expect relationships to be reciprocal and based on trust. It's the most normal thing in the world to want to do the best for our children and seems very unnatural if that doesn't happen. I would no more disinherit my kids now than I would have spent £100 on the kids next door for their tenth birthday and nothing for my DS. It's the same.

And we love our parents and give them our time, our love, our trust. As we grow and become adults we often give, (as I did), hours of practical help, lifts, help with admin, sorting plumbers and builders, and sometimes financial help. I used to buy Mum's shopping as she got older and never asked to be reimbursed.

We also share our special moments with them.

And like with any relationship we don't do it because we want something, but there's an expected reciprocity. I don't expect my DH to spend time and money on an expensive weekend away for me - but neither do I expect him to spend that time and money on someone else. I don't expect my best friend to invite me to her wedding -she may only want a few guests - but I don't expect to be the only one left out of a wonderful, expensive, special day for no reason.

Same with Mum and Dad. I don't expect them to leave me anything. And if it goes in care, it goes in care. But I don't expect them to leave it to someone else when it's me that's given them my time, my love and my trust.

OP, this is awful. What would happen if you sat down with your mum and step dad to discuss the possibilities and have a solicitor on standby to explain further? It seems your stepdad is pulling the strings and rather than upset him, your dm has decided that upsetting you is just easier. I think she needs to speak to a solicitor and I would hope that they would outline the options.

I disagree with those saying the stepdad has contributed to the household. He may have just been sponging off his wife for the last few decades. Who knows.

In any case this is a cautionary tale. I am never remarrying and my dc are getting everything I leave behind!

She is being very silly. The trusting him to make a will/do the right thing is very silly. I suggest you talk to her, try and take her into an local office who do wills for some 'advice' so they can talk sense to her.

Wow! that's sad. I'd be so hurt.

Your DM should be leaving her DH a life interest in the house or the proceeds of sake (if he wants to sell and buy something different) and on his death it should go to you. Otherwise he can give 100% of the house to his son.

Your DM should obtain independent legal advice before committing to something unnecessary with unintended consequences.

…proceeds of sale

My step brothers and step sisters on both sides (parents remarried) will also get everything and my sibling and I nothing if our biological parents die first. Step parents have said their kids need to be put first (no one is a child dependant, we're all adults), with the hinting that it's because they're more important. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but such is life. I'd never do that to my own children, and I couldn't conceive just leaving them out and putting an adult step child before them, but....guess my parents are just different people to me and my sibling. I feel for you op, it is indeed her money and house, but still, kind of sucks.

OP, please speak to your mum and explain how you feel. My mum was diagnosed with MND, given 12 months and passed within 4 months. FIL also recently died with the exact same setup as your mum is proposing. His intention has always been that his only DC would get a share of the estate upon the death of stepmom. Nothing in their wills. She hasn’t spoken to DC despite months of FIL’s ill health so there is no way she’s going to follow FIL’s wishes. She didn’t do it while he was alive (has already given away a significant possession that was to be left to DC) so she sure as Hell won’t do it now he’s passed.

Maybe point out to your mum that the only way to ensure that her wishes are carried out is to put it in her will. It is entirely possible to make sure her DH is looked after and for you to inherit a share of her estate. It’s a difficult conversation at the best of times, more so when you’re dealing with a narc!

I really feel for you OP, this has just happened to us. After years of hearing what would be left to mum's children, including from her husband. It's all gone to her husband who in turn will be leaving it to his family. I can barely even speak to him.

Me and my partner don't live together and a big factor in this decision is because I want my house etc to go to my kids, not him and his kids. He feels likewise.
Please try and talk to your mum, but don't fall out as she needs you now.

My parents were married 53 years when my mum passed away
No step family . Step brothers or sisters to deal with .
but both my mum and dad wanted to make sure that the grandkids would inherit something - just in case the surviving spouse remarried . They were both practical realistic about death and money and they were happy to talk about stuff to me and my sister .

when both my parents passed away my son got 50 percent and my nieces got 50 percent shared between them
basically me and my sister didn’t get an inheritance it went to the grandkids instead

That 50 percent of my parents house that my son inherited has set my son up for life giving him a massive advantage in getting on the housing market at 0 little cost to him and he’s still got loads left

its exactly what my parents would have wanted and both would have been devastated if the other remarried and the grandkids missed out on any potential inheritance

If your mum and her husband each make a mutual mirrorWill these cannot be changed in any circumstance.