An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

Thank you

Your first 4 paragraphs are spot on

Yes I am

I had this situation, except there was no warning and the will cut me and my sibling out. I'm in Scotland and children are entitled to claim Legal Rights. This claim isn't on property, only "moveable assets". I didn't claim because I trusted my stepfather to be fair and stick to his word. When my stepfather died he left all the assets and the house that I grew up in to his children. They inherited all my father's belongings who had lived in the house before he died. It was extremely painful and underscored the hurt past hurt. Talk to your mum now if you can, this isn't about monetary inheritance, it's about validation that you matter.

Talk to a solicitor as I believe if you are left nothing, you can contest the will but if you're left a token of money you can't contest it.

Honestly please stop saying that you have time. To be blunt - you might not. My father was given a terminal diagnosis and told he had about 12 months. He got worse and was dead within three. Never put off things that need to be said.

Dying Matters and The Good Grief Trust (both brilliant and I would recommend accessing some support via them) say that the key to a ‘good death’ is feeling like you’ve left nothing unsaid and that all your loose ends have been tied up. We battled to get dad to tell us his wishes but it made things easier when the end came.

This man is your mum’s husband; they’ve been married 25 years! If she didn’t make a will it would probably all go to him anyway. I get that you are disappointed but you’ve made some contradictory statements around that. Thoroughly unlock your own feelings and then, please, tell your mum how you are feeling. She cannot just ‘trust’ that he will give you something - she has to express her wishes, or you need to make peace with the fact she isn’t going to.

Sorry this is all so shit for you.

I'm beginning to suspect you are right. It's really upsetting - not just about the money (as most of you kindly understand).

No thats not true. She could do what my mum has done. Her house was owned as tenants in common with 80% to her and 20% to my stepfather. Her will stated that he can stay in the house until he dies, that he can sell it and move elsewhere but the terms of ownership would still stand. He is the legal owner and as such we cannot claim rent off him for our share of the property. As its turned out, he's now in a care home. His share of the house could be used to pay for his care but as he doesn’t have capacity we cant sell it, so the local authority have disregarded it for his financial assessment.

My advice is to speak to your mum, tell her how shes in effect leaving everything to her husband, that theres no guarantee he will leave anything to you even if hes made a will now because he could change it the minute she dies!

I think he's done a real piece on her.

You need to speak to a solicitor OP. You have different rights in Scotland.
It's also time to speak openly with your mother.

This is awful. She deliberately lied to keep you in line while she treated you so horribly. I wouldn’t be able to get over it.

This really can can be simply sorted by a trust to Stepfather for his life, and then assets to you. You should suggest this. Because it ties up (more or less) now what she is currently saying she wants to happen eventually - i.e. you get it on his death. And if the answer is no, then clearly everyone should understand that the chances of Stepfather leaving assets to you in his will are very slim.

That's the natural order of things that things would automatically go to her spouse. She would need to make a will to the contrary for you to benefit at all. I would say something now about your concerns to give her time to think & change it if necessary. Try not to let it spoil your time left with her & come to terms with it even if you don't inherit. Maybe she could speak to someone who can hold a portion of the house in trust or something? If. She can speak to a financial adviser it might help. Good luck

We had exactly this issue with my brother in law. The only fair thing to do is leave him with a percentage of the house he owns outright (eg 40%) and a life tenancy. That means he can live in the house for his lifetime and when he dies leave 40% (can be any percentage) and you get the remaining 60%. Left as it stands you will end up with nothing. I guarantee that.

Ask your mum and him to have mirror wills drawn up along those lines (he could drop dead tomorrow) and then it's nicely tied up legally and much simpler.

My brother in law has just had a massive expensive legal case because his late wife left him almost penniless.

You just need to set up a declaration of trust which will stipulate who owns what percentage of the property after your DM dies. Her DH can have a lifetime interest in the property and live in it till he dies, and even sell and reinvest the property fund elsewhere. But the part that you own will be protected and cannot then be taken to pay for his care.

In Scotland there are different rules and DC cannot be written out, but when it's a house I'm not sure.
Could you get your mother to write out a letter (signature witnessed by 2 people if possible) specifying she has entrusted your SFather to give you a share in his will?

From our experience, evert scrap of evidence, even text messages hold weight if it ever needs a legal case.

Presumably they are married?

So not sure what you were expecting? I think you've been naive at best and not sure why you even thought for a second you'd be left anything in terms of the house when he's going to survive her and lives in and pays towards the house? it's not like your father didn't take his equity out so presumably you inherited a share of his assets that way?

That's the risk with second marriages and blended families.

If you can't be honest with how you feel now then you really will lose it all.
You have nothing to lose by speaking truthfully to her.

I remember when my widowed mother was in her final months. She had been estranged from my siblings for over 10 years but she told me her will split everything equally. One day she announced that she was considering leaving her house to one of them. I said nothing. She decided against it, but I would have 100% contested such a will.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by speaking to your mother.

But time is of the essence. My mother declined very rapidly.

I'm shocked (yet not so shocked as it seems classic MN) at these responses.

The sense of entitlement baffles me.

They have been married for 25 years. They have built a life together and Step DF has clearly contributed to that.

Things change over time and you've been banking on this money, when it's not yours to begin with.

Your Mum has limited time left and you're more focused on getting your share of money than spending quality time with her.

I would encourage you to go to a solicitor.

I would also encourage your DM to go to a solicitor - by themselves.

It sounds like your SF is manipulating this to his advantage.

There are very established practices where the 'new' spouse can remain in the home for the rest of their lives, then on their death the 'homeowner's' DC inherit.

You (and the solicitor) need to explain to your DM, that legally, you could end up with nothing and 'trust' may not materialize.

You could just put it bluntly that her step son is a very lucky man.

Urgh.

I was in a similar position to this, mum owned and occupied a house part paid for by my dad and on her death her second husband (of only a few years) inherited absolutely everything.
She trusted him to take care of me and my sister in time but he sold our childhood home and relocated 300 miles away within a year.
25 years on and he’s still alive and apart from the occasional card we don’t hear from him.
I fully expect him to leave everything to his biological children (who are a similar age to me, 40s).

The difference between our stories was, my mum had never asked to talk about it and died very unexpectedly in her early 50s. Perhaps if she’d lived another ten years she might’ve started to think about wills! As it was she didn’t have one = spouse inherited everything.

If you don’t want to end up in the same position as me you really need to discuss it with your mum asap.

A life interest in your eventual share of the house seems fair on your stepdad (it’s been his home a long time) and is what I’ve written into my own will re: my second husband (not repeating my mums mistakes 😬

We didn’t find out anything re: inheritance until after mum’s death.
It’s not the money that bothered me really, but stepdad wouldn’t even let us kids have any personal effects or photograph albums nor things that had been part of my mum and dad’s life together and thus our childhood (which I now recognise as being a maladaptive coping mechanism for his own loss/grief but that doesn’t make me any less sad about not having any family heirlooms eg great grandad’s war medals)

please tell your mum about my experience as it could easily happen to you.

best wishes for you and your mum

If you had read my posts you will understand that I am absolutely NOT 'banking' on any money.

I'm happy to hear comments from all different viewpoints but you're wasting your own time and mine by responding to statements that haven't actually been made

I’d say this, but before doing so I’d check with a solicitor to see what your rights would be given that you are in Scotland and so might have a claim.

Our marital home in the UK has been left to my son, but with me having a life interest in it (I think until any subsequent remarriage). I would have the right to sell and buy a new property, but the asset remains with my son. I am fine with that, and so should be your SF. If he’s not, it’s purely because he wants the house to go to his own son. Which needs pointing out to your mother.

I’m afraid you’ve pussyfooted around for far too long; time to get this sorted. You will regret not speaking up if you let this go.

My Mum went through this - it was a horrific experience for her. It was before I was born but her Mum died and the house was joint between her parents. Her Dad remarried not that long after, he was very lonely. He then died several years later and left the house to his wife with the view that it should be sold and shared between my mum and her sibling when his wife died. As soon as he died she cut my mum out of her life and took all of my grandparents possessions as well, not letting my mum have anything. When she died she left the house to someone else entirely. From the stories, my grandparents had a wonderful relationship and they both died too soon. My Mum had a close bond with both of her parents and they both thought they were leaving her with something. It's terribly sad. They would have been distraught.

I think it's not even about the money is it. It's what it represents.

I think you should tell your Mum how you feel. Explain you'd be happier for something legal in writing if this is the plan. If he plans to give you your half then he shouldn't have a problem with this should he. It's hard because the last thing you want is a rift when she's terminal. I'd be taking the softly softly approach.

I think you have to tell your mother how you feel about being completely cut out of the will, after her previous stated intentions. At least that will relieve your feelings, though It’s quite possible it might end up with a row., and not much good in financial or emotional terms.

But otoh, I can understand that someone might not want to be ‘thrown out’ of the home they have lived in for twenty five years as soon as their wife dies, and that the wife in question might see his point.

be careful about lifetime interests. I’ve known several people bound into these arrangements, and they are very difficult for the occupant, and not always that great for the other party, either.

I can see why you’re upset. The dh comes and moves into her house, if no Will is made the dh inherits the house and if he pops his clogs his ds will get everything when it’s clear your dm owned the property in the first place.
Go back and speak with her.