An inheritance one - and it's long!

[anotherNameJustForThis]

This is an inheritance one. It’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing in person and I’m of the view that no one is entitled to an inheritance and my DM could leave everything she has to anyone and I have no say in that.

However, DM is not of that view. Over the years, she has spoken to me about my inheritance. Whenever she does, I’ve said things like ‘mum, we don’t need to talk about that’ etc. I have NEVER entered into any conversation about it and it has never been a big factor for me.

Recently she has received a terminal diagnosis and has been raising the subject. Again, I’ve said ‘all in good time’ and she made me promise to talk to her about it ‘when the time was right’, so I agreed.

DM remarried 25 years ago. Her husband (I’ll call him Step-DF) moved into her house and has lived there with her ever since. She has always insisted, though, that it’s ‘her’ house, not his, and he has been happy with and accepted that. (Legally, I don’t know where she stands on that but it’s none of my business so I’ve never questioned it.)

For context, and important I think: my DF lived in the house for 20 years, contributed to bills, etc and when he left, took cash from her of around 1/4 to 1/3 of the value of the house (it’s difficult to gauge what the house would have been worth back then). Basically he took what he needed rather than force a sale to get his half. He died a number of years ago, having always loved her.

Step-DF is a bit older than DM has one son (similar age to me).

Due to the age difference and women tending to outlive men, DM has always assumed that he would die first. I know, lovely conversation (!!) but she has talked to me about this, probably because she was worried she’d be left alone. DH and I have talked about what would happen and had agreed to discuss it IF it happens but that she’d likely live with us.

So to the conversations she has tried to initiate with me over the years:

She has always said, if Step-DF dies first, I would eventually inherit everything that she owns (step brother would inherit from his father).

Or

If she dies first, the house would be sold and I’d get a large share, more than half, to allow Step-DF to have some money to buy himself a smaller house or flat. At that point, their shared liquid cash would be split 50:50 and 50% would come to me.

(I’d be happy with either of these options. Obviously the first benefits me most, but it’s fair that if Step-DF was left alone, he shouldn’t lose the ability to buy a home.)

A few days ago, she said that the time was right that we should discuss this. I agreed, as I had promised her that I would and it’s clearly really important to her.

I am now really shocked and upset. I state again that she can do exactly what she wants with her own will, however, she has set certain expectations over the past 50 years of my life and it now seems that none of it is true.

The house goes directly to Step-DF on her death. Although they had agreed he would move into his own place to allow me an inheritance, he has ‘changed his mind’ and would like to be able to own the house - wouldn't we all?! I can’t be named as part-owner either as he said he might want to sell and move elsewhere. She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share.
The problem is, trust means nothing in law and I don’t have a particularly good relationship with him or his son so I don’t trust him to do this at all. Also, if he eventually goes into a home, the proceeds of the house will pay for that. So I will be left with nothing.
Plus
Liquid cash that she said would go to me now goes directly to him. He has said he might have a big expense with the house and doesn’t want to ‘be short’. In my opinion, his 50% is a considerable enough sum that it would cover any expected eventuality and he is also in receipt of a significant pension which will cover his expenses. So again, I will get nothing.

I feel so let down. And it’s really not ‘just the money’ (although that would have been a cushion to help with my mortgage, etc). I just feel that she doesn’t value me or our relationship, despite all her words to the contrary (that our relationship means more to her than any other, that she really needed no one other than me, that she loves her husband but can’t bear his family, that her grandchildren - my DCs - are everything to her).

It feels to me that Step-DF has been ‘playing the long game’, although that sounds ridiculous to say out loud as I don’t doubt he loves her, but he has played a number on me and my supposedly loving mother is letting him.

How on earth do I make peace with this and accept it, plus remain a loving daughter in my mother’s final months, knowing all this?

If I turn away from her, how would I live with the guilt?

I have suffered a lot from her; I’ve had a long helpful thread on MN helping me cope with her narcissistic tendencies and controlling behaviour which I honestly believed we had got over. I believed her and what she tells me. It feels like the whole relationship has been a lie and she doesn’t value me at all.

Hi OP, it’s a difficult situation. Do you have siblings and did you inherit from your DF? What happens now if your stepfather dies before your DM - it is still possible. I think you need to ask for a copy of the will.

That isn’t correct, a will can be changed at any time.

If she dies intestate, the spouse is almost certain to inherit the marital home.

I often wonder how many Wills leaving all to the Cat Home were found and destroyed by the bereaved family, so that the deceased's assets were distributed a very different way according to intestacy law.

That’s not true.

Mirror wills are just two separate wills set up to ‘mirror’ each other. But each individual will can be changed at any time if the person is alive and of sound mind and judgement.

If she dies intestate, the spouse is almost certain to inherit the marital home.

It’s not that simple.

If you're in Scotland then your parents can disinherit you as I understand although obviously, you'd need proper legal advice.

I think people should be more educated on trusts and different legal ways of securing inheritance. There are so many cases where someone will leave something to a partner and just assume they'll be good on their word and pass it on to children they're not related to or don't have a good relationship with.

Please tell your mum how hurt you are. Tell her you need to be named as a part owner in the house as youll not get a penny. If she refuses, just cut your ties with her. She has dangeld the inheritance like a carrot and now has abandoned you. Such a shame.

In Scotland, as others have pointed out, children are entitled to a share of assets such as savings. You must see a solicitor OP, regardless of how any conversation with your mother goes.

@Yabado

Why did your DS get 50% and his 2 female cousins get 25% each?

Surely 33% each would have been fairer?

Tell her that if she leaves everything to her husband then that's exactly what shes doing, to carry on and do that if she's happy leaving nothing to you. Relying on step father to do the right thing is anything but reliable. Point out that his circumstances could easily change in any number of ways - not least if he remarries (which might seem highly unlikely to everyone at this point, but it happens a lot).

Tell her that if she really does want to leave everything to SF then tell her that you're surprised but that you respect her decision. Also mention that it means she's not leaving anything to her grand children (unless they're still mentioned separately. You might be comfortable, but their generation will find getting on the housing ladder harder than ever. Lay it all on thick, turn a bit of that control back on her!

Tell her that if she really does intend for some of her estate to ultimately go to you or your kids that she needs to put provision for that in her will. Tell her to speak to a reputable, local solicitor, face to face (but without you or her husband present) to get proper advice on that.

As an aside, you say she's got narcissistic, controlling tendancies towards you, and genuine narcissists are usually the same with all their relationships. So she's likely the same with her husband too, even if it's not openly visible. Just bear that in mind in case you get tempted to demonise kprivatel or publicly).

presumably it’s split between the two siblings, then their children each inherit their share of what would have gone to the parents.

common and fair thing to do. Then a child isn’t penalised for not producing numerous grandkids- for every child the sibling has, their child’s inheritance doesn’t reduce.

@anotherNameJustForThis

As @Whatyagonnadokatie says, as you are in Scotland you are entitled to a percentage of your mothers moveable estate. Off the top of my head something like ?25% split between yourself and any siblings.

When dh retired he split his lump sum from his pension between his children from his first marriage with a view to leaving everything to our three children on his death, should he outlive me. When we went to make our wills we discovered that his older children will be entitled to a claim on his moveable estate. I’m not too bothered as I am close to my step children (30+ years married) and mine will get the house but it wasn’t what we intended as they had already had their share.

Try posting this on legal or consult a solicitor.

She trusts him to make a will and leave me a share

If she genuinely wants you to have anything at all that's a big mistake; none of us can force someone else's future decisions like this and the only solution would be for her to be clear herself in her will

However from what you've said I expect he'd resist her changing it, and since they've been married for many years it's not as if he's some chancer who's just arrived on the scene

I'm told the law differs in Scotland and that you could possibly challenge the will, but do be aware of the potential legal costs involved in this - depending on the value of the estate you could end up no better off

No, no siblings and no inheritance from DF

Thanks all, the consensus seems to be to talk to her about it.

I will. I'll need to think how I can bring it up but I will do, early next week (giving myself the weekend to think about it). I certainly won't fall out with her about it but I do worry how I will process it if nothing changes.

I appreciate everyone's input and I'm sorry to those who have found themselves in a similar position.

Candelabra

A mutual mirror will cannot be changed - I know as I have first hand knowledge of this.

Nosquirrels see my post to Cndelabra

www.netlawman.co.uk/ia/mirror-wills-mutual#:~:text=A%20mutual%20will%20is%20one%20where%20both%20partners,them%20agrees%20to%20go%20along%20with%20the%20proposals.

The terms “mutual Wills” and “mirror Wills” are often used interchangeably. But legally, they are very different and should not be confused.

From here www.blbsolicitors.co.uk/blog/what-is-the-difference-between-mutual-wills-and-mirror-wills/

This happened in my family. When my Dad died he left everything to my step-mother, who is 17 years younger than him. When she dies she's going to leave it all to her 3 children (my half siblings) and nothing to me and my brother from my Dad's first marriage. She announced this all quite cheerfully to me, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. She's not terribly bright tbh.

I feel for you OP and completely understand it's not about the money.

I agree that the will has been used to control you over the years. My MIL did a similar thing with Dh and DSIL. From a really early age the Will was dangled over their heads.

In the end she dramatically cut DSIL out of the Will because of some perceived slight.

Dh just split it all down the middle with DSIL after MIL died. I feel like your SF might not be as fair though.

DSIL was left devastated by MILs actions. I think you need to move forward with legal advice. It would be a hard one to get past.

You were incredibly rude, cutting your mother off each time she wanted to talk to you about a matter that was important to her.

And of course her husband will inherit from her. They're married!

@Pipsquiggle
because originally it was split between myself and my sister 50 -50

Then we all decided that it would make more sense if what would have gone to us - go to our kids directly . Family have always been very open about money death and stuff

I have 1 child
my sister has two 2 children

so what would have been my half of the inheritance went to my son instead of me
my sisters half went to her two kids

we were all perfectly happy with this arrangement .

my sister could have had her 50 percent herself if she wanted to and so could I but we agreed with our parents that what would have gone to us went to our own children direct .

No big deal. Nothing to do with my son being a boy and my sister having girls
it was just a straight jump the line from us to our own kids 😂

This has happened to me, DM died, DD remarried and has since died leaving it all to SM I think. There is a Will of Trust though with solicitors named as trustees, upon SM death, the estate is supposed to be spilt equally between the 6 children, 3 each, whether or not this can be changed so she just leaves to her 3 I don’t know, I’m a bit lax as haven’t had the Will checked out thinking that she most certainly will just leave to her DC if she can, we have no relationship bar Xmas cards, she moved my DF a six hour drive away. It hurts, I try not to feel bitter, I don’t need the inheritance but something would have been nice, to know that my DF thought of us.

If the deed of trust / lifetime trust was made before your dad died and still in place at the time of his death

Then Im pretty certain his death creates the trust - via the will if that makes sense and his will can’t be changed unless the beneficiaries and /or trustee agree to do a variation

get a copy of the will you can download
a copy for a few quid

Money does crazy shit to people 😂
and nothing someone will do to keep hold of even £1 and a penny would surprise me