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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
Towntroubadour · 05/01/2023 20:13

I would like to know this as well because it’s bloody irritating.

Fourwallsclosingin · 05/01/2023 20:15

I feel your pain. I'm surprised there aren't more missing persons tbh

Changingplace · 05/01/2023 20:16

Can you sit down and divide jobs between you? I know this is frustrating but if you had an agreed split of main household chores he can just get on with them.

If you agreed who did what then he’ll know if that thing needs doing, eg he does all the washing/gardening/walks the dog/hoovering or whatever.

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:17

“What needs doing?”

”Do you need an eye test/hearing test?”

Keep reminding him he’s supposed to be an adult and an equal parent and partner in the home and it’s deeply unattractive for him to come across like he’s needs his hand holding or project managing.

Is he hoping you’ll say no because you’re too busy or distracted to give him a chore so he can go and put his feet up?

Patchworksack · 05/01/2023 20:18

So he is seeking brownie points by offering to ‘help’ but still making it all your responsibility ? Have a conversation where between you come up with a list and write down everything that needs doing and make half of it (including the ‘mental load’ stuff) his to deal with. Review it regularly to keep the split of responsibility fair. Refer him to his list.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:19

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

Are you a man or a woman who can’t see what needs doing in your home or with your own kids and expects someone else to do the thinking for you? I can’t think of any other reason you’re siding with him.

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:17

“What needs doing?”

”Do you need an eye test/hearing test?”

Keep reminding him he’s supposed to be an adult and an equal parent and partner in the home and it’s deeply unattractive for him to come across like he’s needs his hand holding or project managing.

Is he hoping you’ll say no because you’re too busy or distracted to give him a chore so he can go and put his feet up?

Or maybe, and call me crazy, you could treat your partner with basic level courtesy and respect and just discuss it.

BarkAscending · 05/01/2023 20:19

YANBU

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:20

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:19

Are you a man or a woman who can’t see what needs doing in your home or with your own kids and expects someone else to do the thinking for you? I can’t think of any other reason you’re siding with him.

Show quote history

No, I’m not, but it’s a common dynamic I’ve witnessed.

QforCucumber · 05/01/2023 20:20

I don’t know, I can sometimes phone dh and say that I’ll be home earlier than him and does he need me to do anything in particular too? But we’re pretty even in the cleaning/childcare/housework tables so it’s more of a ‘Is there anything you’d like me to do since I have some time’

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:22

Indeed. My wife and I often ask each other if there’s anything we can take off the other’s plate.

I think it’s called a normal, loving relationship.

Ilovelurchers · 05/01/2023 20:25

I was on the other side of this - I used to say it to my husband - and yes it did annoy him at times. My reason for saying it was that we used to argue about housework and he would criticise me for not doing certain things which it literally did not occur to me needed doing (we got together in our 40s so both quite set in our ways I suppose with our own ways of keeping house) - so I thought that it was better to ask him as I am not a mind reader and couldn't guess what he wanted me to do......

We have moved beyond this and have learnt the art of domestic compromise so it largely doesn't occur any more - but from my perspective one either needs to explicitly ask their partner to do tasks, or calmly accept that the tasks may not get done - what isn't reasonable is to expect them to intuitively know that you think something needs doing, as their standards may be different from your own. (No idea if this is what is happening for you and am not trying to sound critical of you at all - just thought the other perspective might be helpful!)

frozendaisy · 05/01/2023 20:26

Just tell him one or more of your million jobs.

Don't be an unapproachable martyr

Triffid1 · 05/01/2023 20:28

Make certain things his responsibility entirely. Laundry/cooking/shopping/whatever. Then part ofmthatbis realising it needs doing, doing it etc.

trampoline123 · 05/01/2023 20:28

Hahaha, could have wrote that myself

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:30

We don't have a list of jobs, I just get on with them.
This is why I wondered if I'm being unreasonable or if there's some weaponised incompetence happening.
This morning he asked me if he needs me to do anything, while I was making DS packed lunch, should I not expect him to know by now that DCs need breakfast, to get dressed for school, he could be getting coats/bags ready, the dog needs walking/feeding? We have the same routine every morning and this is why it exhausts me mentally when he asks.

OP posts:
justtryingtogeton · 05/01/2023 20:31

Get him to watch this.

Visuals drive the point home.

fb.watch/hSXeXaTYPw/

SellFridges · 05/01/2023 20:32

My DH does this whenever I am leaving the house. “Do you want me to do anything while you’re out?”. Yes, I want you to open your fucking eyes and do any of the eleventy billion jobs that need doing. What I don’t want to do is think about those jobs myself then tell you how to do them and when to do them by.

I now ask him the same question and he gets utterly bemused.

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 20:32

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

Aw poor lads. They just cannot see dirt right. Or the washing up. Or the washing. Or that kids need to eat. Or that the clothes need putting away. Or the ironing needs doing. Or the beds need changing. Or the toys need putting away. Or the bathroom needs a clean. Or the kids need bathing.

Or a million and one other things that only women can see with their miracle special eyes.

pelargoniums · 05/01/2023 20:33

frozendaisy · 05/01/2023 20:26

Just tell him one or more of your million jobs.

Don't be an unapproachable martyr

How are they OP’s jobs and not shared jobs, though? She’s not the office manager and he’s not the work experience eager to help out. He lives there too: he should know what it takes to run a household given he lives in one.

Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:33

And I have tried discussing it with him, he's done it for years. I've tried saying no there's no jobs, I've tried giving him jobs, I've explained that it adds to my mental load having to think for someone else but it continues.

OP posts:
gemloving · 05/01/2023 20:33

Im so confused. I don't even need to think and just say, clean the kitchen, tidy this, tidy that!

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:36

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