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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 05/01/2023 21:15

Indeed. My wife and I often ask each other if there’s anything we can take off the other’s plate.

Hmm Well I'm sure that's lovely for you. Do you think the OP would be posting about this if that were what was happening in her relationship?!

Malariahilaria · 05/01/2023 21:15

I got really angry at this stupid blind question and now just say 'scrub the toilet' everytime he asks. Our asd child wees all over all of them so they always need cleaning.

Strangely he stopped asking and went back to scrolling. They don't actually mean it.

Fairislefandango · 05/01/2023 21:19

Im so confused. I don't even need to think and just say, clean the kitchen, tidy this, tidy that!

You're confused as to why a man should be just as capable of knowing or seeing what needs doing in his own house just as well as his wife can? Why should the OP be task-allocator? I have never needed to instruct my dh as to what needs doing around the house. He has eyes.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 05/01/2023 21:19

You answer 'yes'. And then stop talking. When he asks what, I would say 'look around and see what needs to be done'.

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 21:24

This reply has been deleted

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ShandaLear · 05/01/2023 21:28

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

Are men really that passive, thick, and pathetic? Are they incapable of doing something fairly simple properly? The vast majority of chores are really not rocket science.

Yummymummy2020 · 05/01/2023 21:32

I could have written this post. It annoys me too. Really in my situation anyway, it makes me feel unappreciated because if there is a ton to be done that I normally end up doing, if you ask me that, you are basically showing me you don’t notice all I do in the first place or you wouldn’t need to ask! I don’t agree that it’s always for fear of doing a thing wrong either, I don’t have insane standards but I think it’s perfectly fine to want a job done appropriately. Not perfectly, but at least to the minimum standard that would class it as complete! I also agree a lot of the time it’s women that carry the mental load!

Ineedtosleep79 · 05/01/2023 21:32

Awww give him a break. It sounds like you're super stressed which is clouding your judgement.

Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 21:35

How can there be an incorrect way to feed the dog? Walk the dog? Put the school bags by the door? Make DC breakfast (who eat the same thing everyday)? Have a hoover round? The list goes on...
I don't berate him at all, I just want him to use his brain.

OP posts:
lookoutkid · 05/01/2023 21:35

But I shouldn't have to! Why can't these men open their eyes and see what needs to be done. He could see I hadn't made the kids breakfast yet this morning when he asked because I was making a packed lunch. He knows what they eat so why not just crack on?

Fair. But I think you do need to communicate about who does what for it to work. It works for us to just have our own jobs, it doesn't need discussing every day just the once! What if he'd walked in and saw you making DS packed lunch and said "I've already done that" Wouldn't your response be "why didn't you tell me?"

ShandaLear · 05/01/2023 21:36

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Are you really passive at home? How on earth do you manage to hold down a job? Do you just sit there like a turnip until someone asks you to do a specific task and then you finish it and sit there until someone asks you to do another one? Or do you actually know that stuff needs to be done, it’s within your remit, so you get on with it?

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 21:37

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 21:35

How can there be an incorrect way to feed the dog? Walk the dog? Put the school bags by the door? Make DC breakfast (who eat the same thing everyday)? Have a hoover round? The list goes on...
I don't berate him at all, I just want him to use his brain.

it’s amazing but people do find a way to find these things as being wrong or god forbid done in the wrong order.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 05/01/2023 21:38

Completely get this.

Also this has more reaching issues because he asks, you might come up with something in the moment but he really isn't going to be doing half or anywhere near his fair share but then later, when discussing how he needs to step up or do more, he will say 'but I asked what you needed and did what you told me'.

Completely missing that the mental load is all on you.

ShandaLear · 05/01/2023 21:38

Ineedtosleep79 · 05/01/2023 21:32

Awww give him a break. It sounds like you're super stressed which is clouding your judgement.

Surely he should be giving her a break. There’s a good reason why she’s stressed. Can you guess what it is?

Mamette · 05/01/2023 21:39

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 21:37

it’s amazing but people do find a way to find these things as being wrong or god forbid done in the wrong order.

Show quote history

The OP just did she doesn’t do that.

Any other ideas?

Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 21:45

@ShandaLear that's a good point about work! My DH is quite high up and has people underneath him which surely means he has to delegate

OP posts:
C1N1C · 05/01/2023 21:47

This isn't just men. Some men genuinely don't see what needs to be done... my wife is the same with the fridge- food will go mouldy before she notices it needs a clear out as she isn't a 'snacker' (her words), and as such, doesnt potter about in there.

She'll also run her car into the ground before acting on a change oil light... or scrape the car four times in three months.

Some people see the world differently, so actually need to be told what they need to do. If they're offering take them up on it... If it turns out to be a rhetorical question and they still piss about, THEN you have a right to be upset. But also know there is often a 'right' way the other person doesn't often see. I'm 40, (been shown many times) and I STILL can't fold a fitted sheet (they're the devil's work!)... and I will be moaned at if I try and fail, more than if I just leave it be.

..but there's a lot of passive aggressive "he should know" attitudes in here.

Aussiegirl123456 · 05/01/2023 21:47

One day I just stopped doing anything but the ultra bare minimum (eg making sure toddler was fed) for a couple of weeks. Completely lowered my standards of how I was living, I’d gone from near freak to Meh. I just turned into a lazy bones on purpose as was just sick of doing it all. My husband and teenagers soon worked out how to use the dishwasher and washing machine and begun picking up mess. Now they all continue to do help with household chores without being asked.

littlelilypad · 05/01/2023 21:49

Changingplace · 05/01/2023 20:16

Can you sit down and divide jobs between you? I know this is frustrating but if you had an agreed split of main household chores he can just get on with them.

If you agreed who did what then he’ll know if that thing needs doing, eg he does all the washing/gardening/walks the dog/hoovering or whatever.

This.

Dividing jobs is really important so that one person (usually the woman) doesn't have to assume the role of "house manager."

Alternatively, you could write a list of jobs for him and stick it somewhere. If you write the same jobs down every week, the hope is that he'll no longer need the list, and will instead know what is expected.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 05/01/2023 21:49

My partner wasn’t working for a while for various reasons so did everything around the house/house admin where previously we’d shared. I now ask him what he wants help with and I’d be lying if it wasn’t because I want him to say “don’t worry, I’ll do it”. It’s sheer laziness. I know I’m painting myself in a bad light here but both me and the OP’s partner know what needs to be done.

ginggung · 05/01/2023 21:52

This is his way of helping with a job you actually want doing? Or is it because I used to shout at my hubby for interfering and slowing me down. So now he asks what can I do that will help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 21:54

This evening I had a loaf of bread proving, some work left on the dining table, dinner half made, back ache from being 7 months pregnant and a tired tetchy 3 year old.

DH finished his work and came downstairs, I said I’m shattered and going to lie down till it’s time to eat. He said good idea.

40 minutes later he called up to say food was ready. The work on the table was tidied up, DD was dancing around and singing, dinner was sorted and on the table, bread was in the oven baking.

He’s capable but not extraordinary, he can see what needs doing without prompting or lists or asking questions. Owning a penis hasn’t ever got in the way of him cooking, cleaning or parenting. And I’m not smug because I take no responsibility for him being able to pitch in with the house or child, he just doesn’t think he’s too good to get stuck in.

NoHeavenNoMore · 05/01/2023 21:56

I've started saying to my other half "do you want to do X or Y?"

Hate being asked if I want him to do anything. Hate him trying to take over what I'm doing.
It works for us at the moment as he'll always pick one of the options and they're both things I was going to do anyway 🤷‍♀️

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2023 21:58

Don't have any more kids whatever you do. You have 3 already. And 8 year old a 4 year old and q 37 year old.

FixTheBone · 05/01/2023 22:05

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:19

Are you a man or a woman who can’t see what needs doing in your home or with your own kids and expects someone else to do the thinking for you? I can’t think of any other reason you’re siding with him.

Show quote history

It was pretty obvious.

I am a man, as I presume the quoted poster is.

I've stopped doing anything unless asked, mainly as a result of being constantly criticised virtually every time I ever did anything voluntarily not because it is wrong, but just because it isn't done in the exact way that my wife would do it.

Hang the washing out? Nope, get a huff and a frown and a passive aggressive making a point of hanging each item with two pegs instead of each item corner to corner with a single peg.

Fold the towels, into thirds, wife makes a point of unfolding them and folding them into halves.

Etc

Etc

For 14 years.

I achieve the exact same amount both in terms of things done, and tacit dissaproval by doing nothing at all, but with zero effort.