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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
YRGAM · 07/01/2023 13:59

JFDIYOLO · 07/01/2023 10:33

He's doing it because he's constantly treading on eggshells around you, wanting to do the right thing, doing what's wanted, but worried about making you angry.

Get together and have an adult to adult conversation and together make a comprehensive list of the day to day things you both need doing.

Share out the jobs, whoever's best at each thing, wiling to do them, etc.

Stick it on the fridge.

Do them between you.

This is the answer for your situation, I think. Ignore the posters telling to you give pass agg responses or escalate the situation, they just want a nice 30 page thread where they encourage you to divorce. He wants to contribute, so male a list, divide the jobs and set the responsibility. This is a situation that can easily be solved without further drama, but of course most posters here don't want that.

BraveGoldie · 07/01/2023 14:48

80s · 06/01/2023 09:00

He actually anticipates my needs
I have one of these partners too, now. Have to hold back on the tears of absolute joy so as not to look like a lunatic 😂

Absolutely..... in the first year, I frequently teared up with relief..... I'll never forget the first time he set about a five hour job in the garden I'd been needing done for ages, and told me to relax and have a long coffee. Way before we lived together. He now proactively does almost all maintenance and repairs for the house, car and garden, more than half the cleaning and tidying. as well as all the laundry and ironing. I cook. 😃 (But even that, he's downstairs today making a big stew, and will whip me up his special scrambled eggs any time I ask). Any time I thank him for any of this he just looks mildly perplexed.

Original poster
unicornsinspace · 07/01/2023 14:50

To those who haven't read the whole thread I've already said I don't nag at him if something isn't done "my" way.
He is happy to be given jobs to do, my main point is that he needs telling what to do and I don't want to keep thinking for him.
I can't remember who but someone mentioned me saying have a quick hoover round, we're not really rushed in a morning. We live very close to school too so we have around 1.5 hours in a morning to get ready. There is time to have a quick hoover if it needs it but this was just an example nothing set in stone (and we have a golden retriever so the main areas need hoovering a couple of times a day!)
I did a list of things that need doing everyday and I've divided them up, I told him we could trial it to see if it helps any.
And I hope other people who have this problem find some solutions from this thread.

OP posts:
ElfineHawkMonitor · 07/01/2023 16:26

This cartoon illustrates the mental load perfectly: amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

procrastinator8 · 07/01/2023 16:46

ElfineHawkMonitor · 07/01/2023 16:26

This cartoon illustrates the mental load perfectly: amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Everyone making excuses for the lazy sod or saying “at least he asks” (raise your standards please) - please review this cartoon.

Tuillyod · 07/01/2023 18:26

procrastinator8 · 07/01/2023 16:46

Everyone making excuses for the lazy sod or saying “at least he asks” (raise your standards please) - please review this cartoon.

Show quote history

It's certainly been shared enough on this thread 🤣

BillyWilliamTheThird · 07/01/2023 20:32

I asked almost the exact same question as this on MN almost exactly a year ago after nearly cracking under the mental load of Christmas. An amazing MNer recommended the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky and may possibly have saved my marriage and/ or DH’s life.

We now have a very clearly defined set of jobs and we are not allowed to interfere with how or when each of us do our jobs, so long as we meet an agreed basic standard. His jobs are fundamentally not my responsibility from inception to conclusion.

It is like a contract or a job description and it sounds ridiculous but it genuinely has worked for us because he is a lazy sod and I am a control freak.

ShandaLear · 08/01/2023 13:28

Alice786 · 07/01/2023 13:45

I think you're being unreasonable, he is only trying to be helpful. I do think sometimes men can't win, even if they are trying to be helpful they get criticised for not thinking something needed doing without having been told or not doing it the way we want it done. They are not mind readers and no they can't always anticipate things that need doing, every person is different.

I think at home mostly women are in charge and get to delegate the tasks. Men can't always just do tasks as they don't want to step on their partners toes. Men don't typically criticise women for household chores but many women criticise men hence why men are scared to use their own initiative in the household chores.

I think you need to be clear and split the chores so he knows what you want him to do on a regular basis. No he can't read your mind and know what needs doing as you come across as quite critical of your partner, he sounds like he is just scared of making a mistake.

Do you really think men are that stupid, @Alice786?You’re talking about them as if they’re absolute morons. If I was a man reading that I’d be deeply insulted.

Alice786 · 08/01/2023 15:42

@ShandaLear yes some men are really stupid and I know many likes this.

I am not saying this is how it should be but this is how it is sometimes and if you are with someone like this sometimes you have to learn to work with it rather than calling it a day or constantly arguing especially when children are involved. No one is perfect I think if you're with a good person who loves you and tries to support you, weather they are good at it or not you shouldn't throw that away just because it's not perfect.

In general women sometimes just except too much. Men don't always care as much as women if the house isn't clean, it's not a priority for them usually and if it is for you then you will end up doing most of the cleaning. People in general have different priorities and people need to accept that rather than forcing others to be like them.

Phineyj · 08/01/2023 16:09

Women know they will be the ones judged if the house is dirty.

Sirius3030 · 08/01/2023 16:43

ShandaLear · 06/01/2023 21:32

Instead of yapping about responses being misogynistic and sneery why not read and learn from the responses of dozens of women complaining about exactly the same thing? Of course the man is likely as smart as the woman, so why are women complaining that their partners are failing to perform even the most basic of tasks without having to be explicitly told to do it time after time after time? A man upthread was complaining that he didn’t do housework because his wife once told him she didn’t like how he folded towels, so instead of learning to do it properly he just stopped doing it at all, for FOURTEEN YEARS. Strategic incompetence at its finest. It’s nothing to do with ‘helping’, you’re not a passenger in your own home. You’re an equal partner.

Show quote history

'So why are ... partners are failing to perform even the most basic of tasks without having to be explicitly told to do it time after time after time?' is the question I am asking... And I'm just not seeing any answers. Do tell if you have an answer, other than incompetence, strategic or otherwise.

Fairislefandango · 08/01/2023 20:22

'So why are ... partners are failing to perform even the most basic of tasks without having to be explicitly told to do it time after time after time?' is the question I am asking...

Because they can. Because housework is boring drudgery and they don't want to do it. So they rely on the fact that their female partners have been conditioned into feeling guiltier about not having a clean, tidy house. They play dumb, and hope she'll do it all if they act clueless. And because in many caaes, deep down, they do actually think it's women's work.

Namechangeforthis88 · 09/01/2023 08:58

When they put on all this "do I need a coat today" nonsense, the best response "how the patriarchy got where it is we will never know". It might not solve anything but it makes me feel better.

Orangello · 09/01/2023 09:43

Why? Because they think it's the woman's job so they don't add it to their to do list. There is no other explanation really - if a man can remember when his car servicing is due just fine, but not that his DC has football every Thursday at 6 then it's not because it's tiny gentleman brain simply cannot remeber or record dates.

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