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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:36

gemloving · 05/01/2023 20:33

Im so confused. I don't even need to think and just say, clean the kitchen, tidy this, tidy that!

But I shouldn't have to! Why can't these men open their eyes and see what needs to be done.
He could see I hadn't made the kids breakfast yet this morning when he asked because I was making a packed lunch. He knows what they eat so why not just crack on?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 20:37

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Aw, you can't see everything with your man eyes?

Fakeairpodsfakeoodie · 05/01/2023 20:38

Just chuck the duster or mop or whatever in his direction and say "you choose your task or if I do then you get to do the whole lot from top to bottom, every nook and cranny, behind the pictures too, and I'll nip off out for a nice cuppa in a cafe with a book".

He'll soon stop asking and find something small to do so he looks busy and you can carry on doing it all.

Or draw up a list and share it all out evenly.

Ragwort · 05/01/2023 20:38

He's done it for years - so what makes you think he's going to change now? You can be a martyr and moan on Mumsnet or just tell him ..... from now on you are responsible for the shopping/cleaning bathrooms/cooking/whatever and leave him to get on with it. It might not be to your standard - you have to accept that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/01/2023 20:40

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Except Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru.

Do better, be Kirk.

purpledalmation · 05/01/2023 20:42

Put a list up in the kitchen of jobs he can do (bins out, clean stairs, put washing in etc) and just keep repeating, look at the list. In the end he'll just do it.

To be fair. He doesn't know what jobs you haven't already done, so asking does make sense. The list can be generic, you don't need to do a weekly one.

So he can say, shall i put a load of washing in?

Mamette · 05/01/2023 20:44

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

I guarantee it isn’t.

If he does it does it arseways then he needs to suck up the constructive feedback and do it properly the next time, and continue to do it properly forever.

Not huff off in a sulk secretly delighted because now he has an excuse not to try.

What a load of BS.

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not me, my chosen one is the neat and tidy one.

But this is how they get away with it, point out the fucking obvious [that their eyes are actually the same eyes and they are perfectly able to see the same mess they just choose not to] and women get called 'bitter' for it.

samyeagar · 05/01/2023 20:46

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

This does seem to be a common dynamic when these sorts of situations arise. Where not doing it "right" even though the end result is just as good, really just means not doing it the same way.

And to be honest, after a while, if I am going to get criticism regardless for either not doing it "right", or not doing it at all, I'd just not do it at all.

And my response to the inevitable point of "just do it her way" is "just accept my way"

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 20:47

purpledalmation · 05/01/2023 20:42

Put a list up in the kitchen of jobs he can do (bins out, clean stairs, put washing in etc) and just keep repeating, look at the list. In the end he'll just do it.

To be fair. He doesn't know what jobs you haven't already done, so asking does make sense. The list can be generic, you don't need to do a weekly one.

So he can say, shall i put a load of washing in?

But he already knows they have bins. And stairs, And washing. Yes? This isn't a surprise to them, that these things exist and need maintenace? They don't need listing, he will see them every day when he walks round the house?

Does he need to ASK if he needs to put a load of washing on? Or just put the washing on? Next I suppose he will need a fanfare for finding out where she had hidden the washing machine?

Judgyjudgy · 05/01/2023 20:47

This annoys me too. Something you could do is write a list of chores, tell him to look at that and see what needs doing

Changingplace · 05/01/2023 20:48

We don't have a list of jobs, I just get on with them.

So don’t just get on with them, have set tasks between you, this does sound a bit martyr like tbh, if you just get on with everything but don’t want to them stop.

confusedlots · 05/01/2023 20:49

I started asking the same questions to him so he could see how annoying it was.

Where are the kids packed lunches? (As I was just about to leave to take the kids to school, of course it wouldn't have crossed his mind to have thought about packed lunches)

What's in the fridge for dinner?

What do you want from the supermarket?

I can't find my work shirt in the wardrobe, do you know where it is?

He did change his behaviour for a while but then slipped back into his old ways so I don't know what the answer is! But I think I've definitely lost some respect for him as an equal partner because of this really frustrating behaviour.

Mamette · 05/01/2023 20:50

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Safer?

This is code for “easier”, I think.

My2pence2day · 05/01/2023 20:52

AlisonDonut · 05/01/2023 20:47

But he already knows they have bins. And stairs, And washing. Yes? This isn't a surprise to them, that these things exist and need maintenace? They don't need listing, he will see them every day when he walks round the house?

Does he need to ASK if he needs to put a load of washing on? Or just put the washing on? Next I suppose he will need a fanfare for finding out where she had hidden the washing machine?

Show quote history

I totally agree with you. But my husband who is actually super smart has suddenly become thick after we've had a baby. Its like he is a different person now. So it just seems easier to have a list, rather than wish he was different (and could use that big brain he has).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/01/2023 20:54

We don't have a list of jobs, I just get on with them.

Well, that's up to you.

Say yes, I need to get food for us for the next week.

I need you to do a load of washing.

I need you to do vacuum the house/living room/stairs.

Please bathe the kids and put them to bed.

Please stick the kettle on and make me a cuppa.

Do we have any milk? If not, please nip up the road and buy some.

It honestly sounds as though he is incapable of independent thought.

Snoopystick · 05/01/2023 20:54

My DH does this too, I’m going to start pre-thinking, before he asks, of the worst job I can think of…

SadButTheTruth · 05/01/2023 20:57

I used to bark out orders like a sergeant-general when asked this as a newlywed and the jobs were learned very quickly! If this behaviour has been going on a long time, it’s learned incompetence/virtue signalling uselessness which you will have to sit down and discuss and (hope) he addresses it.

hidethenips · 05/01/2023 20:57

Write a list. I did this once and it spanned 3+ pages which was infuriating but quite cathartic to physically show him just how many 'jobs' I could come up on my own as opposed to him asking for just ONE thing to do.

Gatehouse77 · 05/01/2023 20:57

Chalk board and a list of jobs he can work through.

  1. Look around you
  2. Think “what would my wife say?”
  3. Get on with it!
SityingConar · 05/01/2023 20:58

Westernesse · 05/01/2023 20:16

I guarantee he does this because whenever he does do things without consulting you he will be criticised for it. It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

an unwinnable scenario for him and many men. An impassable test, constantly.

Show quote history

Please.

LizzieSiddal · 05/01/2023 21:04

I did actually give my DH and teenage children a list of “jobs” which need doing every fucking day, so they would stop asking me if they could “help”.

I put the list on the fridge and when they asked Id just point at it. They soon got the message!

Phineyj · 05/01/2023 21:05
  1. Every time he asks this question charge him a tenner.
  2. Use the proceeds to pay for help.
  3. Marvel that a person who doesn't know you and hasn't been in your house before can work out useful things to do.
Original poster
unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 21:10

I think I'll definitely look at doing a list, something needs to change because it's annoying me.
Thank you for all those who get it!
I actually did write him a list of what needs doing in a morning to get the DC ready for school because I had some very early starts at work and he even commented on how much I do, yet he fell back in to his old ways once I was back to my normal working hours.

OP posts:
Imissmybabygirl · 05/01/2023 21:11

YANBU, it's really tiring. Why do women always have to carry all the mental loads 😕

No chores gets done unless I ask as if he is doing me a favour 🙄