"Do you want me to do anything?"

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How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

Isn’t that just creating another job though?

it won’t take long, assume the jobs stay the same each week. It’s either that or continue to feel frustrated by him. Some men need telling what needs doing and it’s really frustrating. Sure we’d rather they just know what needs doing and do it, but I’d rather do the chart and not feel constantly frustrated at my husband personally. That might take 5-10 mins a week but kids can also get involved if old enough, save mum doing everything which often happens

My husband is actually much brighter than me, IQ off the charts, top at university etc etc. Yet, he is actually dumb now after we have had a baby. I actually can't quite believe it myself. They do suddenly seem to get willfully stupid, I think someone here called it learned incompetence. These men didn't act like this when we first met them, we all aren't that stupid 🙄 I totally understand how OP feels. It's exhausting to be asked this question when you would wish someone could just think for themselves!!

Write down the the organized mum method list, add daily kitchen and bathroom cleaning. Then you can ask him if the list is done.

It’s the helpless and vague offer to help you do YOUR JOBS - that are in theory shared jobs, but he hasn’t been arsed to learn about because learned helplessness is awesome. Especially when cloaked in a “far too busy and important to do that shit” disguise. Gaaaaah!

If he genuinely can’t see what needs to be done then get a whiteboard, list the weekly chores together. If they aren’t ticked they still need to be done. If he asks you if he can do anything just tell him to check the whiteboard. Easy for you and he has zero excuses for not doing anything.

I totally get where you are coming from, but I would love it if my husband asked me this instead of flopping on the couch and scrolling on his phone.

This could be written by me!!! I hear you, it’s infuriating and exhausting and I wish I had an answer because I haven’t figured it out yet. Very much feels like an extra person to look after and manage. My partner has an added trait of waiting until I’ve just about finished a job and then asking if he can help.
I have spoken to him about not doing anything in the home and he says I need to give him clear instructions but he doesn’t understand that that is extra work for me to have to manage him on top of everything else and he lives here too and it’s not all on me. Plus whenever he does do a job he constantly asks me questions about what to do, what goes where, how do do this and that, where do I want this to go, what should he do about this and that! It’s honestly easier to just do it myself than talk him through every step of every job. After years of patiently talking him through this, we now have a child and I have little patience for it, I’ve now started just replying with either “do whatever you feel best” and “you decide” or “it’s the same as the last time I showed you”

Worse than this is “ do you want me to do the washing up” / walk the dog/ bring the Washing in etc - If you’ve seen it - ffs just do it !

Yes!

OP, don't do this. Instead, ask your husband to sit down for an hour and write a list of every single household chore that needs to be done in your shared household, including the "admin"-type things of paying bills and finding the next gig/play/restaurant for next week's date. Ask him to group them by room and to note when each one is done – every day, once a week on Sundays, on the first day of every month, or whatever.

Maybe at this point you could go through the list and add anything you know is missing, things your husband just doesn't know you do, perhaps. And then you can divvy up the chores between you. You can pick a couple first – I don't see why you shouldn't have first choice – and then you can ask your husband which are some of the chores he'd like to have responsibility of.

And then that ought to be that, once every chore has been assigned to one of you. Some of them you could choose to do together. For example, on Saturday mornings you can spend one hour cleaning the house, one of you vacuuming, the other dusting. Stick some music on, power through the task, then you can enjoy breakfast together. You work part-time, so maybe you'll end up with more chores than he has, but you also have a child who is old enough to at least be able to do something like load the dishwasher, so they can have a couple of chores a week, too, which will take away some pressure from you.

It will be done wrong. Things will be done in the wrong order etc etc.

Fold the towels, into thirds, wife makes a point of unfolding them and folding them into halves
I achieve the exact same amount both in terms of things done, and tacit dissaproval by doing nothing at all, but with zero effort.

I can't say I see the connection between this issue and OP's issue of her husband asking her "Do you want me to do anything?"

I never asked that question, but my exh still disapproved of how I stacked the dishwater, folded his shirts, put his socks away, did the bins.
Tutting, eye rolling, comments on my technique were an everyday occurrence.
He never redid any of it, mind. He'd just complain.
And if I didn't do it, it didn't get done and he'd complain about it being messy.
So I found it much easier to do it myself as it meant some disapproval, but at a lower level, and with a clean home.

Some men and women use disapproval as a means of control.

Still nothing to do with OP's issue, though. I was going to say exactly the same thing as the last poster: get HIM to do a list.

My EX was like this. First, I knew he was hoping I'd say 'no it's fine' so he could do nothing and feel virtuous for offering. I even did resort to this often.

Because if I did tell him something, he'd then huff and puff, ask me a billion dumb questions about how to do it, making it harder work emotionally and practically than doing it myself. Then, 60% of the time declare he couldn't do it/ there was no point doing it now, before....

I am now with a wonderful man who is constantly absorbing, understanding, and acting on what needs done and doing it without fuss, or expecting thanks. He actually anticipates my needs, knows what needs done better than me, and improves aspects of the 'system' without any prompting. ("Oh, you don't have to- I did X last night because I knew you wouldnt want to do Y when you have a busy day at work " "oh by the way, I noticed that you get frustrated when you do X and can't find the Y. So I've started putting the Y on a hook right here..."

It makes my life bloody wonderful by comparison.

He actually anticipates my needs
I have one of these partners too, now. Have to hold back on the tears of absolute joy so as not to look like a lunatic 😂

The guy is probably as bright as the OP, so why not try and understand why the problem exists, rather than just assuming that all men are wilfully stupid?

Stupidity has nothing to do with it. It's laziness or a conscious or subconscious belief that housework is the woman’s job, often dressed up as a 'compliment' that 'women are better at this stuff' or the lie that men are perfectly happy to help but 'don't notice that things need doing'. Of course they notice. They just think (mostly correctly) that if they pretend not to notice it, their wife / female partner will complain a bit, but end up doing it herself.

You should not have to delegate tasks to a grown man. This is why I’m not dating again, I’m done looking after other adults.

It’s frustrating that he keeps asking you and doesn’t seem to be absorbing what you say. When my ex used to pull the “what do you want me to do” bullshit I’d say something like “I want you to use your fucking initiative”. But that was when I was at the very end of my rope.

“Yes DP, I would like you to USE YOUR OWN BRAIN to decipher what could need doing. Many thanks!”

I completely understand the frustration. Only beaten by the "but if you'd just asked me to do the laundry, I'd have done it" - um no, because I'd have thought the fact that you couldn't access the bloody toilet because of the pile of laundry was a CLEAR sign it needed to be done.

But I do think the best way to manage it is to ONE time sit down and agree who is broadly responsible for what. Because if there are set jobs for him and set jobs for you, not only is he now responsible for DOING those things, part of the responsibility is to do the thinking about it. It's not foolproof - I get frustrated because I have to remind DH to do the bedding at least once every second time - but it IS a step in the right direction. So eg breakfast is now his problem. Every morning. He is responsible for cooking on set days, including meal planning. If you are the one that does the shopping, he needs to ensure you have a list of what he needs for his days in advance. He's in charge of bathroom cleaning/vacuuming/ironing/school clothes or whatever things make most sense for you as a family.

Doesn't mean no one else ever does those things, but that person is responsible for it and if they need help, they can ask.

It won't happen instantly. DH has ALWAYS done bins. Always. we've been together nearly 20 years and I think it's only in the last 3 that he's realised PART of doing bins is also noticing when we are out of bin bags and putting them on the shopping list.

I think I'll definitely look at doing a list, something needs to change because it's annoying me.

You shouldn’t write the list. He should.

Next time he asks you ‘Do you want me to do anything?’ or a variation on that theme tell him ‘Yes please. I’d like you to write a list of household jobs (daily, weekly, less frequently) so that we can look through them together and decide who’s doing what. When can you do that for?’

If he takes ownership of the task then it’ll be in his brain in a way it can’t be if he’s not concentrating on the big picture.

I do understand the OPs frustration but at the same time communication is required to coordinate two adults doing what needs done.
Dh and I do both “see what needs done” but we still need to communicate - “I’ll make lunches can you do breakfast” or “have you put snacks in school bags” etc etc.
In the OP example - a one word answer “breakfast” should be enough. If the dh comes back with daft questions about breakfast that’s a different matter.

Next time he asks you ‘Do you want me to do anything?’ or a variation on that theme tell him ‘Yes please. I’d like you to write a list of household jobs (daily, weekly, less frequently) so that we can look through them together and decide who’s doing what. When can you do that for?’

I love this!

Write a (long) list of jobs which need doing regularly, especially ones you dislike.
Laminate it.
Next time he asks, whip out your laminate, present it to him, & tell him to do 3 things from the list then get back to you when he's finished.

Never engage with him again on the topic.
Just "you know where the laminate is kept".

If he tells you he has done XYZ from the list, just say "ok" & change the subject.
Don't applaud a fish for swimming. He lives in the house, it's his mess & chores too, it's high time he grew up & accepted responsibility for managing them.

The best thing about this thread is watching the men fall over themselves to tell all the women that they are WRONG and to drop in obscure (to most people) Star Trek references and use words like “vituperation” to show us how stupid we all are.

We know what you’re doing 👀

OP just give your DH a list and when he’s done his chores give him a sweetie and a pat on the head

Maybe wedding vows need to include life admin and mental load in there somewhere.😂
I have to say booking tickets for a gig wouldn't be on my load list.
I have to say, the only issue we have is we both do tasks differently and we also place different levels of importance on certain jobs. I can be quite brusk when asking why such and such has happened or needed to be done.
My tone is the cause of many bickers.

It might be if you looked back over a relationship and realised you'd booked pretty much every ticket for everything you'd done as a couple or a family...

The irony of course is that they seem to miss half the story of the Kobayashi Maru, which is that Kirk beats it by changing the conditions of the test

The poster who said that he was in a no win situation said it was because he gets moaned at if he doesn't see what needs to be done, or gets moaned at if he asks what to do and it's a no win.

The answer of course is to copy Kirk and change the conditions by remembering what tasks need doing and doing them. Its hardly rocket science.

How many of us actually 'see' a lot of chores need doing anyway. I mean I don't change the bedding because I notice it needs changing unless there is an accident. I change the bedding on a Monday because it needs changing weekly (MN arguments aside) and so I do it.

And I think the men that get moaned about on here are not the men who change the bedding every Monday but they maybe don't change it as an extra on a Wednesday one week because they haven't 'seen' something has been split on it. They are the men who never change it unless they are specifically asked/told to.

So it's easy to beat this Kobayashi Maru, just change the conditions and be more Kirk (although not in all ways, there was no way I would want to be married to Kirk)