"Do you want me to do anything?"

[unicornsinspace]

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

What happened when you lived on your own? When would you have rediscovered that load of washing in the machine? I think this is the key thing. The men who need to be given a task to "help" their partner run the shared household surely managed on their own, when there was no other option.

It would have been more in my mind as I'd put the load in, be thinking about when it's going to be ready, in a way hyper focused on the washing.

However because it's now 4 of us, the washing machine is pretty much always on and something that doesn't stand out.

So in short, when I lived alone it would have been an event I could focus on. Now it's something that happens constantly.

If that makes sense.

You need a chore chart on the fridge. When it's done it gets ticked off. Then he just looks at the list and does stuff.

DP lived on his own when I met him.
He had his own routine.
I have my routine.
The key is combining these routines so everyone is happy.

I’m not the greatest at housework.

So I’ve done something about it.
I have the organised mum app and it makes me check the things listed. And if I notice something else I’ve added it.
I don’t get why these men can’t do similar?
Mine is better than me at noticing. Most of the time he does once noticed. Though I work part time to his full so do more naturally.

But on that note for your problem op I would suggest you both getting the app so you have a list that you can both see and tick off and won’t create more work for you to deal with (such as getting him to sort a whiteboard list). Ok, in the short term it’s something else for you to sort but as he’s not going to change in the ten minutes it takes it may just be worth your while.

He's doing it because he's constantly treading on eggshells around you, wanting to do the right thing, doing what's wanted, but worried about making you angry.

Get together and have an adult to adult conversation and together make a comprehensive list of the day to day things you both need doing.

Share out the jobs, whoever's best at each thing, wiling to do them, etc.

Stick it on the fridge.

Do them between you.

"Look around at what needs doing and pick one".
Say this every time he asks. Eventually he won't ask because he knows this is what you'll say.

Well, yeah... We aren't talking about combining routines (unless the man's routine is "do fuck all"). We're talking about men who find themselves living with a woman and suddenly unable to run a house. That's what this whole thread has been about...

Seems like you just mean to say "not all men".

I think the best response was from the poster upthread who suggested saying in response to the 'Is there anything you'd like me to do?' question 'Yes, I'd like you to make a list of all the regular household things which need doing, and then we can look at them together and decide who does what'. (And add on any you didn't think of!)

It has multiple benefits - it stops the woman from having to adopt the role of delegator, it forces the man to actually think about all the work involved in running a house and it firmly frames the housework as a shared responsibility with no partner being in sole charge of the mental or physical burden of housework by default (even if one does more tasks than the other due to different working hours or other responsibilities).

There is nothing to say he’s on eggshells about doing actual jobs.
He may be a bit wary of how pissed off op is whenever he asks what he can do when he is capable of looking for himself, but that is not the same thing. It’s also perfectly easy to solve by him using his initiative.

Why not have a list if it annoys you so much? Have you tried saying, for instance, that from now on it will be his job to give the DCs breakfast and walk and feed the dog whilst you make the children's lunches and make sure their bags are ready? He'll learn soon enough if it's the same routine every morning. But if you're charging around doing everything and refusing to answer him, what does it achieve?

You have a hoover round every morning whilst getting ready for school and work? Sorry, OP, but that's a bit mad. If it really needs doing every day, do it later when there is less time pressure.

This is fair.

Why don’t you just write a general list @unicornsinspace of stuff that needs doing daily and leave if on the fridge so that he has an aide memoire? That way he can just refer to it and you can add any other jobs on?

So in the OPs case she has already written a list of the morning routine once, for when she was working early. And the DH managed to do it then and there is no signs in the OPs posts she ever told him he was doing it wrong.

But now she's not on earlies any more the DH has apparently decided to turn his brain off and has no idea what needs to be done in the morning and has to keep asking.

But according to some posters this is okay because:

1. He's scared to do anything because he will get told off for doing it wrong despite that not happening before (because what are women if not hysterical, emotional, illogical nags)

1. He doesn't know what to do even though he's done it before

1. He needs the OP to write a list even though she already has

1. He needs a star chart on the fridge so he can see what he has already done and whats left to do - but the OP and other posters are also simultaneously wrong for assuming he's being stupid (weaponised incompetently stupid) because he's probably intelligent, but definitely needs a star chart

1. Men don't see mess. except for some single men, and some gay men, and military men, and those who work as nurses and HCAs and carers and doctors and cleaners and nursery nurses, researchers in a lab, chefs and librarians and so on....

1. She should be grateful he offers to help keep his own house clean and feed his own children -because of course these are fundamentally womens job, and men only have to help them and then get a big pat on the back for being so kind and considerate for helping

Or you know, he could just try being a grown adult and take equal responsibility and engage his brain.

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain
there are times when I wish we had a love button a la fb

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, but firstly I would sit down with him when there are no distractions and explain what you've said here, and why it's so frustrating, and then come up with a way to prevent it happening in future.
Maybe you could get the Team TOMM app, it can be adapted to fit your own circumstances, and all family members can be added and will see at a glance what has been done/still needs doing.

Yes, however, the thread is also about some men being bollocked because they're either not doing the tasks in the other's time frame or they're being lambasted for either not doing it to the other's standards or daring to ask a question.

We've got the Xmas decorations to take down. Dp says he's not doing it, I wanted them up so I have to do it.

My ex was like this. Since we split he apparently (according to my dd) is incredibly house proud. Whisks dishes away and washes as soon as used, changes bedding every week etc etc. So he saw it all but just didn't do it when he had a slave!

"Can I help"

No, you can't "help." You can certainly do your fair share and pull your own weight though.

Infuriating as fuck.

Well I'd be able to see they were already done because there would be stuff missing from the fridge and I wouldn't be able to fit anything else in their lunchboxes because they were already full?

Because he’s a man and he’s stupid it’s just in his DNA, they also do this so you will get frustrated with them asking and therefore just do the jobs yourself, men can’t even begin to understand the mental load of looking after a family it’s beyond their tiny little brains

I think you're being unreasonable, he is only trying to be helpful. I do think sometimes men can't win, even if they are trying to be helpful they get criticised for not thinking something needed doing without having been told or not doing it the way we want it done. They are not mind readers and no they can't always anticipate things that need doing, every person is different.

I think at home mostly women are in charge and get to delegate the tasks. Men can't always just do tasks as they don't want to step on their partners toes. Men don't typically criticise women for household chores but many women criticise men hence why men are scared to use their own initiative in the household chores.

I think you need to be clear and split the chores so he knows what you want him to do on a regular basis. No he can't read your mind and know what needs doing as you come across as quite critical of your partner, he sounds like he is just scared of making a mistake.

@Alice786 Please refer to @Letitrainletitrainletitrain ’s summary of the situation upthread. This is the correct answer.

Your reply is akin to ‘I think that at work, men are in charge and it’s best if us ladies don’t step on their toes. Us girls need to be told what to do as we are incapable of showing any initiative’. Or similar.

I manage several men at work. Suprisingly, none of them is sitting there like a numpty expecting me to give them a detailled list of tasks to tick off. I do wonder now how many of them claim at home that they have simply no clue that their children need to be fed and no, they cannot understand what should happen to a sink full of dirty dishes..

Stop making excuses for these men!

Not wanting to step on their partner's toes? Because taking out the rubbish, cleaning the toilet, remembering that this or that household item needs to be bought, and so on are all the partner's jobs? He's not a mind reader? He doesn't need to be. He has eyes with which he ought to be able to see that the bin is full or the fridge has no milk in it.

If the man needs to be told by the woman what needs to be done in the house, who is telling the woman what needs to be done?