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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Do you want me to do anything?"

239 replies

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 05/01/2023 22:06

Weaponized incompetence is a strategy that makes often use in domestic situations.

if I had to deal with it, and talks weren’t working… I guess I would put up a chore list. Like he is expected to do certain things. Then there would an area for the extra things that need doing that day or week.

id make him or whoever very sorry they didn’t listen the first time that I’d like them to be an adult.

I mean really. It’s like “well look about, what do you think you can do to help? What do you think would be helpful?”

I don’t deal with that right now and the mere thought of it makes me annoyed.

euromum · 05/01/2023 22:10

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 21:10

I think I'll definitely look at doing a list, something needs to change because it's annoying me.
Thank you for all those who get it!
I actually did write him a list of what needs doing in a morning to get the DC ready for school because I had some very early starts at work and he even commented on how much I do, yet he fell back in to his old ways once I was back to my normal working hours.

When I went back to full time working a few years ago I told dh I wouldn't be able to be the "household manager" any more and it was his turn for a bit
(before that I worked 50% and was more than happy to trade my lesser workload against household/family stuff). He said, no problem, just tell me what needs doing. To which I replied, no, from now on you tell me what needs doing. And it was almost like I literally saw the scales fall from his eyes as he realised how he had been expecting me to do all the mental work as well as the practical stuff until then. I abdicated responsibility (in principle more than in practice!) and it was the best thing for us, ever since it's been pretty well balanced. Sometimes it's just about the way they look at it rather than the intention - my dh was never really looking for the easy way, he just had no idea. Maybe it's not helpful for everyone, but i wanted to add my positive story to all those about dhs not getting it...

ShandaLear · 05/01/2023 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And yet, so true.

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 22:13

FixTheBone · 05/01/2023 22:05

It was pretty obvious.

I am a man, as I presume the quoted poster is.

I've stopped doing anything unless asked, mainly as a result of being constantly criticised virtually every time I ever did anything voluntarily not because it is wrong, but just because it isn't done in the exact way that my wife would do it.

Hang the washing out? Nope, get a huff and a frown and a passive aggressive making a point of hanging each item with two pegs instead of each item corner to corner with a single peg.

Fold the towels, into thirds, wife makes a point of unfolding them and folding them into halves.

Etc

Etc

For 14 years.

I achieve the exact same amount both in terms of things done, and tacit dissaproval by doing nothing at all, but with zero effort.

Show quote history

So basically what you're saying is there is a perfectly functional way of doing something and your wife gets upset because it is not her 'approved' way... that just sounds controlling! It almost sounds like she is trying to stifle your independence and creativity.
🚩

ShandaLear · 05/01/2023 22:14

FixTheBone · 05/01/2023 22:05

It was pretty obvious.

I am a man, as I presume the quoted poster is.

I've stopped doing anything unless asked, mainly as a result of being constantly criticised virtually every time I ever did anything voluntarily not because it is wrong, but just because it isn't done in the exact way that my wife would do it.

Hang the washing out? Nope, get a huff and a frown and a passive aggressive making a point of hanging each item with two pegs instead of each item corner to corner with a single peg.

Fold the towels, into thirds, wife makes a point of unfolding them and folding them into halves.

Etc

Etc

For 14 years.

I achieve the exact same amount both in terms of things done, and tacit dissaproval by doing nothing at all, but with zero effort.

Show quote history

That’s actually pathetic.

Aussiegirl123456 · 05/01/2023 22:17

@FixTheBone thats actually so mean and controlling. Also very sad. However the majority of women aren’t like your wife, I don’t think. I know I don’t care how a towel is folded, or even if it’s folded. The towel police barely ever swing by so… I’m sorry you had to live like that.

CatSeany · 05/01/2023 22:20

I'd quite like to be asked that question because I could easily rattle off five jobs that need doing that he would not have thought to do himself. Obviously the ideal situation is that your partner knows what needs to be done and just does it, but in the absence of that, asking at least means that something gets done.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2023 22:21

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

Why don’t you see what needs doing? Why aren’t you aware of the needs of your household? Maybe think on that

FixTheBone · 05/01/2023 22:24

Aussiegirl123456 · 05/01/2023 22:17

@FixTheBone thats actually so mean and controlling. Also very sad. However the majority of women aren’t like your wife, I don’t think. I know I don’t care how a towel is folded, or even if it’s folded. The towel police barely ever swing by so… I’m sorry you had to live like that.

So, my post makes it sound terrible...

But I guess we've reached a kind of acceptable equilibrium. I still do most of the cooking, shopping, work longer hours, commute further, we share some tasks like cleaning the bathrooms, but we've reached a quiet understanding that there's some jobs Im not going to encroach on.

Coolheadedbird · 05/01/2023 22:25

Do a list on which you assign All outside and shut jobs like trash, maintaining furniture, going to the dump, gardening, mowing lawn, vacuuming, car washes servicing mots tax disc. When he asks look through those and say these 2 please, thanks for checking in. Xx

fruitypancake · 05/01/2023 22:26

I wish my DH would ask what needs doing ! He just does nothing

WellTidy · 05/01/2023 22:26

Fourwallsclosingin · 05/01/2023 20:15

I feel your pain. I'm surprised there aren't more missing persons tbh

😂 😂 😂

procrastinator8 · 05/01/2023 22:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2023 20:17

“What needs doing?”

”Do you need an eye test/hearing test?”

Keep reminding him he’s supposed to be an adult and an equal parent and partner in the home and it’s deeply unattractive for him to come across like he’s needs his hand holding or project managing.

Is he hoping you’ll say no because you’re too busy or distracted to give him a chore so he can go and put his feet up?

This!

also share this amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

you are not the project manager of family life

tes you work part time so you can take a bigger share of managing the load. But it should be shared and you need to sit down and clarify your roles.

Regularsizedrudy · 05/01/2023 22:29

FixTheBone · 05/01/2023 22:05

It was pretty obvious.

I am a man, as I presume the quoted poster is.

I've stopped doing anything unless asked, mainly as a result of being constantly criticised virtually every time I ever did anything voluntarily not because it is wrong, but just because it isn't done in the exact way that my wife would do it.

Hang the washing out? Nope, get a huff and a frown and a passive aggressive making a point of hanging each item with two pegs instead of each item corner to corner with a single peg.

Fold the towels, into thirds, wife makes a point of unfolding them and folding them into halves.

Etc

Etc

For 14 years.

I achieve the exact same amount both in terms of things done, and tacit dissaproval by doing nothing at all, but with zero effort.

Show quote history

…I would like to understand your peg system

randomusername666 · 05/01/2023 22:31

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:12

How on earth do I get my DH to stop asking me this question!!
In his mind he's trying to be helpful but it just angers me! I've literally said to him so many times "I do not want to think for another adult" "I don't have another person to ask what needs doing, I just do it" and he always seems to ask me when I'm in the middle of something meaning I have to think about what he can be doing while I'm already doing millions of jobs.
So as not to drip feed, we have 2 DCs aged 8&4 and no help from family so the majority of everything falls down to me as I work part time.
AIBU to not want to think for a 37 year old man?? And how can I get him to stop when telling him in plain English to stop isn't working.

Just write him a list - give him explicit instructions. What's wrong with that. You're bloody lucky he's showing willing.

LizzieSiddal · 05/01/2023 22:31

@unicornsinspace glad you’re going to do a list but only do the one and stick it on the wall/fridge so he can bloody well see it looking at him!!

procrastinator8 · 05/01/2023 22:32

C1N1C · 05/01/2023 20:30

I do this (man).

And it is purely for the reason that I know I don't see everything that needs to be done. It is safer to ask and be told, than to continue obliviously and have the "why aren't you helping" argument.

This is one of those Kobayashi Maru situations it seems.

So work on your ability to see what needs to be done whilst also communicating about the shared load with your partner. I’m sure your partner does not want to own and think about every task/be the project manager. That adds extra mental effort to the actual tasks.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/01/2023 22:32

Mamette · 05/01/2023 20:44

I guarantee it isn’t.

If he does it does it arseways then he needs to suck up the constructive feedback and do it properly the next time, and continue to do it properly forever.

Not huff off in a sulk secretly delighted because now he has an excuse not to try.

What a load of BS.

Show quote history

With such an unreasonable thread, do you really think constructive feedback would be forthcoming?

LizzieSiddal · 05/01/2023 22:32

@randomusername666 Just write him a list - give him explicit instructions. What's wrong with that. You're bloody lucky he's showing willing.

You poor thing, such low expectations.

FairShare12 · 05/01/2023 22:32

You sound like a martyr
Just say eg 'I'll wash the dishes you dry'
Poor you... Your DH is trying to help but he's instead 'adding to your mental workload' 😂😂
Sounds like he's just trying to be helpful, work as a team but you don't give him a chance

Workyticket · 05/01/2023 22:33

unicornsinspace · 05/01/2023 20:30

We don't have a list of jobs, I just get on with them.
This is why I wondered if I'm being unreasonable or if there's some weaponised incompetence happening.
This morning he asked me if he needs me to do anything, while I was making DS packed lunch, should I not expect him to know by now that DCs need breakfast, to get dressed for school, he could be getting coats/bags ready, the dog needs walking/feeding? We have the same routine every morning and this is why it exhausts me mentally when he asks.

I'd answer:

"Yes, all of the morning jobs. Pick one then move to the next"

Rinse and repeat for Sunday jobs / bedtime jobs etc

If he's genuinely clueless agree a time to sit down with a cuppa and make sure you're on the same page with what constitutes morning / bedtime jobs

GrimsbyOrangePippin · 05/01/2023 22:36

@Regularsizedrudy …I would like to understand your peg system

😂

han01uk · 05/01/2023 22:39

I could have written your post.

Following for answers (but I don't think there is any!)

procrastinator8 · 05/01/2023 22:40

Aussiegirl123456 · 05/01/2023 21:47

One day I just stopped doing anything but the ultra bare minimum (eg making sure toddler was fed) for a couple of weeks. Completely lowered my standards of how I was living, I’d gone from near freak to Meh. I just turned into a lazy bones on purpose as was just sick of doing it all. My husband and teenagers soon worked out how to use the dishwasher and washing machine and begun picking up mess. Now they all continue to do help with household chores without being asked.

Good for you!
i would like to see a change in phrase eg ‘contribute to the shared household workload’ rather than “help” (usually the mum/wife)

PhilInt · 05/01/2023 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So, so accurate.