Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me ask DH to lose weight

175 replies

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:01

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

OP posts:
DogInATent · 03/01/2023 12:05

If he's approaching 40 he should be coming up for the first NHS Health Check invitation. Make sure you both accept the invitation and take the appointments.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:11

DogInATent · 03/01/2023 12:05

If he's approaching 40 he should be coming up for the first NHS Health Check invitation. Make sure you both accept the invitation and take the appointments.

He's just turned 38 so a ways off. I'll need to speak to him before then.

I might ask him to make a doctors appointment, I'm just not sure how to raise it.

I did send him to a doctor about his snoring a couple of years ago. I assumed the doctor would suggest weight loss but DH just said there was a surgery option and he might try a new pillow and then never followed through. He sleeps in another room now because the snoring make it impossible for me to sleep.

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves5 · 03/01/2023 12:12

Why don’t you start by focusing on his health rather than directly his weight/looks? Could you start doing some more exercise together or as a family? Bike rides, daily walks, trampoline parks etc. If he can get a health check (I know some companies offer health MOT’s as well as GP’s) that might give him some motivation.

Changing habits is hard - the book Atomic Habits is really good at explaining why we so often fail at making the changes needed and how we can help ourselves more.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:19

That's a great idea and ive tried it. We started doing walks as a family at one point, he would suggest we walk past the local cafe for a coffee and then once we arrived he'd change his mind and order a milkshake.

I don't understand it. He loves black coffee, I don't know why he wouldn't just order the drink he likes that has almost no calories but instead orders a drink that has the equivalent of a full meal worth of calories.

Every time he exercises seems to consume more calories than he would have burnt.

I've signed him up for sports classes with the older children but it's not really the kind where the adults move that much.

I will suggest he takes the children to the park for a kick more.

I'll check out that book thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:23

I suppose I'd like to be able to talk to him about it. Like when he orders the milkshake I could say 'could you have a coffee today instead?' Or when I see him coming home from a dinner out and making himself a snack I could remind him he just had a full three course dinner and doesn't need a snack.

But then I read that back and I sound like an absolute shrew. Who wants to live with someone who is watching what they eat for them?

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 03/01/2023 12:26

Could you sign you both up for a couple's membership at the local leisure centre. Say you got a good good deal if you signed you both up. Take it in turns looking after the kids.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 03/01/2023 12:30

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:23

I suppose I'd like to be able to talk to him about it. Like when he orders the milkshake I could say 'could you have a coffee today instead?' Or when I see him coming home from a dinner out and making himself a snack I could remind him he just had a full three course dinner and doesn't need a snack.

But then I read that back and I sound like an absolute shrew. Who wants to live with someone who is watching what they eat for them?

Yes, you're not his mum and I agree about this - rather than little and regular responses to his choices or behaviour, would a one-off conversation be less 'shrewish'? But ultimately it's his choice and making him feel you're monitoring and judging won't work. I totally hear you, btw

ecdysis · 03/01/2023 12:31

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:23

I suppose I'd like to be able to talk to him about it. Like when he orders the milkshake I could say 'could you have a coffee today instead?' Or when I see him coming home from a dinner out and making himself a snack I could remind him he just had a full three course dinner and doesn't need a snack.

But then I read that back and I sound like an absolute shrew. Who wants to live with someone who is watching what they eat for them?

Your right you can't do that. You are not his parent and it seems PA and nasty.

If you have an issue, as hard as it is you need to speak to him as an adult. None of this weird booking couples time to exercise or PA comments. He isn't stupid, he knows he is fat. Tell him you are concerned about his health, talk to him directly.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:34

firstmummy2019 · 03/01/2023 12:26

Could you sign you both up for a couple's membership at the local leisure centre. Say you got a good good deal if you signed you both up. Take it in turns looking after the kids.

I've suggested he join a gym for some 'me time' but he insists he doesn't like exercising alone. He only likes team sports. I suggested he join a local team but he fobs it off saying he doesn't have time/ would only want to play with mates not strangers.

I signed him up for the yoga studio I attend to help with his back pain but half the time he sleeps in and doesn't go to the scheduled class.

Maybe I could get a few personal training sessions? Then he'd have to attend them

OP posts:
cheeseisthebest · 03/01/2023 12:35

It has to be his decision. He knows. Sounds like he comfort/emotional eats? Try and talk to him but you can't book stuff for him or dictate.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:38

How would I raise it, do you think?

'Dh I am concerned about your health. You're outside a healthy weight range. I'd like you to see a doctor and come up with a health plan' ?

OP posts:
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 03/01/2023 12:40

To be honest exercise will not make a lot of difference without a change in the amount of food he eats.
I would sit him down an explain the risks (stroke, heart disease) and how he needs to do this for himself and his family.
I would not keep nagging him though as you're not his parent.

VioletCharlotte · 03/01/2023 12:43

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:38

How would I raise it, do you think?

'Dh I am concerned about your health. You're outside a healthy weight range. I'd like you to see a doctor and come up with a health plan' ?

I think you need to have an open and honest conversation like this as hinting obviously isn't working. It's a hard conversation to have as I'm sure you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it sounds like you're genuinely concerned for his health so hopefully you can say it in a way that it comes across like this, rather than as criticism.

pocketvenuss · 03/01/2023 12:44

Please don't feel guilty for not fancying him OP. We aren't obliged to fancy our partners if they behave in ways that make themselves unattractive. The fact that he is chooses such unhealthy options and have no self discipline itself would make me fancy him less. Can you have a frank conversation that includes your concerns for his health as well as your concerns about the future intimacy in your relationship?

nowwhherredowestay · 03/01/2023 12:46

Has he noticed sex has decreased? I'm overweight, I would want DH to tell me if it was impacting how he felt about me. All you can do is by direct with him, after that it's up to him

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:50

We're still having the same amount of sex. I try not to look at his body and I think about someone else to get myself in the mood if I am honest.

OP posts:
SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 12:52

I think you should tell him kindly and gently that you are really worried about his health and feel more attracted to him slimmer. I don't like the idea of tweaking his meals or stealth sending him off on activities. He isn't a child or stupid, he's just fat. I would prefer someone being kind and honest than skirting around it. Give him the dignity and equality you expect from a partner, not scheming and plotting ways of getting him to burn off energy like you would treat a chubby child or pet.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:53

pocketvenuss · 03/01/2023 12:44

Please don't feel guilty for not fancying him OP. We aren't obliged to fancy our partners if they behave in ways that make themselves unattractive. The fact that he is chooses such unhealthy options and have no self discipline itself would make me fancy him less. Can you have a frank conversation that includes your concerns for his health as well as your concerns about the future intimacy in your relationship?

I think that's part of it. If he was trying to lose weight and it wasn't working for whatever reason, I think I wouldn't be as turned off. Part of the frustration is that he's not trying, and I keep seeing him make hundreds of small choices that make the problem worse.

But then I wonder if I am projecting my own food/body image/shame issues onto him?

I was raised to eat healthy and my mother especially is very judgmental of fat people. I try not to be like that but this makes me wonder if it's creeped in.

OP posts:
SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 12:53

You can tell someone bad news respectfully, sensitively and kindly.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:54

SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 12:52

I think you should tell him kindly and gently that you are really worried about his health and feel more attracted to him slimmer. I don't like the idea of tweaking his meals or stealth sending him off on activities. He isn't a child or stupid, he's just fat. I would prefer someone being kind and honest than skirting around it. Give him the dignity and equality you expect from a partner, not scheming and plotting ways of getting him to burn off energy like you would treat a chubby child or pet.

You're right. Thank you. How would you word it though?

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 03/01/2023 12:54

Slightly different problem, as dh is very over weight, but he absolutely knows this and wants to change it.

Your dh will also know he is overweight, but he might need help knowing what to do next?

I would absolutely outline the health risks when approaching 40, and how you want to spend your older age together, tell him your worried for his health, any aches and pains are likely to turn into gout and diabetes, but his weight is something he can change.

From the sounds of it, he might benefit from some counselling, particularly if things have been stressful and he's got some unhelpful coping strategies. I'd also echo looking for healthy weight programs through your gp or local council if they run them. Dh completed a football fans in training programme which was fantastic, and was far better for him than slimming world programmes (although he did lose substantial weight on these, the weight would creep back).

Timeforabiscuit · 03/01/2023 12:57

BTW, a mistake I made was being too helpful, I did all the slimming world recipes as family meals, bought and organised healthy snacks, but it all comes to nothing if their overconsumming elsewhere, so now I just support and encourage - but organising and doing is all down to him.

Siriusmuggle · 03/01/2023 12:58

There's probably not a massive amount you can do. I very much understand your position. The problem is, he knows but until he decides to do something meaningful about it it won't change. I now just nod and make encouraging noises, I'll carry on doing that until he is ready to make changes that will help.

oreo2020 · 03/01/2023 13:00

A slightly awkward suggestion as you said you are in a good shape.
The two of you, go to some sports club or spa and chat a little with some fit men in there - a healthy amount if jealousy sometimes does wonders.

oreo2020 · 03/01/2023 13:01

*of