Help me ask DH to lose weight

[StarsSand]

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

I think it's really sensitive but I totally empathise with where you are coming from I've had 2 children in very close succession and made a conscious effort to get back down to a weight I was happy with firstly for me but secondly for my husband I would be really disappointed if he put so much weight on I know longer found him attractive and I think when you lose that spark it's a slippery slope, so tell him asap and hope he takes you seriously and wants to make a change

I don't think GP appt would help by the way. Dr Chatterjee is amazing for easily achievable tips - he's got a podcast and great books if he might be open to reading them?

I would be scared that his ill-health would ruin mine and the children's lives and I would start making an escape plan.... Its within his power to do something but he isn't
that's not fair on you 🙁

I'm curious, what sort of weight are we talking? From what to what? BMI?

How is he with dieting? Here we clear out all the goodies (usually eating them first) and then simply don't buy more... fruit and veg snacks with minimal carbs. It's a dangerous time now though due to so many Christmas treats!

As a guy, I envy ladies here... our weight goes straight to out belly, it seems with some it goes to boobs and bum (no complaints from most men on this one!)... is that myth/stereotype right?- I'd love to know!

As for how to fix it, is there any way you can cook and control his diet? My wife and I have chubbed up a bit over the past few years and we both know it... we just decided to collectively control our dinners and available snacks in the house. He'll hopefully follow by example. Diet helps more than exercise.

You have to sit down and talk to him respectfully about it.

Suggestions of walks and sports classes and gym membership are fine in theory but going on a walk every day will not help him to lose what sounds like several stone.

There is only one way to lose fat and that is through calorie restriction. Even if he goes to the gym for a couple of hours, having a milkshake as you say basically wipes off any cals he’s burned working out.
He’d need to do a 5 mile run before he even equalled out a small milkshake.

I would do it at an impartial neutral time, perhaps on an evening when kids in bed and just say “I really want to talk to you about something important, it’s not an easy subject to bring up so please try to keep an open mind and know I love you and don’t want this to become an argument or upset you etc”

Then just say I’m really concerned for your health, your waist ratio is definitely higher than it should be and I can tell you aren’t as physically healthy as you could be.

Keep “weight” out of it as much as possible but also, don’t let it be fobbed off as “I’ll go on some more walks” - he needs to cut right back on his diet first and foremost

I am conscious of what I eat. If I've had a big lunch I'll have a smaller dinner, that kind of thing. Nothing extreme.

I like to walk. I walk to the nursery, to the shops. We live a 5 minute walk from these places but DH will hop in the car rather than walk it.

I was raised in a fairly health conscious house so I don't even think about these things as choices, I just do them automatically. I find it weird that DH doesn't. For example, we had dinner at a friends house and had pudding there. When we arrived home DH started to eat Christmas chocolates. I also like Christmas chocolates but as I'd had pudding it wouldn't have occurred to me to go and eat more sweets. In my head I've had my sugary food for the day and I stop thinking about it.

It's really a mindset I guess? I don't know how to get it to rub off on DH if it hasn't already.

I'd definitely try and talk purely about health and stress, at first at least, and maybe give him a bit of a boost to feel better about himself rather than the opposite. I can guarantee he already knows he has gained weight and is probably feeling pretty unhappy and self-conscious about it. As someone who has tendencies that way myself, there is a risk that it becomes a vicious circle and that he ends up saying to himself "well, I'm already unattractive so what the hell" and eating more for comfort. It may seem odd but if anything I'd be tempted to go the other way and give him some compliments, it can take a bit of a boost to start feeling like there's any point in trying.

My DH was exactly the same. He went from very slight when we met to about 19 stone. He knew it and wanted to change it but couldn’t accept that the food he ate was a direct link to how much he weighed. The doctor told him but it still didn’t sink in. I tried everything to help. Premaking lunches, healthy snacks, all signed up to the gym etc etc but nothing changed. I put a weighing scale in our bathroom and o think that really shocked him when he saw his weight. Randomly he got flu and lost about a stone as could barely move for three weeks and suddenly it clicked that what he had been eating had made him over weight.
He is now around the 16 stone mark and is working so hard to lose weight. He’d been going to the gym three times a week for years but he’d just eat when he got back so it made no difference. He basically just stopped eating so much and that’s it!
he still goes to the gym but it works now.
Nothing I said or did made any difference thoigh. It had to be on his terms

I think then as others say, it's a case of controlling what you can around food that's in the house and trying to have a conversation about health. Agree with the PPs about diet not exercise needing to be the focus though as you mention, all those little car trips would add up if he just would walk them. It's all so incredibly frustrating

Cant you just tell him you’re not attracted
to him at the weight he is? Then it’s up to him if he fancies losing it or losing you.

@C1N1C I have no idea what he weighs, I haven't asked. He mentioned a couple of months ago that he's stopped weighing himself because he didn't want to know.

Im trying to think how to convey it accurately. He's tall so carries some weight well. But his belly is now protruding more than mine was when I was 39 weeks pregnant. He used to have great cheekbones and a nice jaw, but you can't see them anymore. He looks completely different to how he did 5 years ago. His clothes don't fit.

No idea of BMI. Hopefully a doctor would weigh him and we'd at least have a benchmark.

I think if the food wasn't in the house he'd go without, he wouldn't go and buy it.

But it's hard with children. I need to keep cereal, snacks and bread around for them. Sometimes I feel like labelling it 'for the children- don't eat!'

When he was a bachelor he managed his weight by basically having no food in the house, and buying ingredients for his dinner each day. I remember when we were dating I opened his fridge and it had a couple of eggs and maybe a carrot in there.

It worked but we can't live like that now.

It sounds like he's got an eating disorder. You need to sit down and talk to him about this. Call BEAT together, have a look at their website.

This is more than him being a bit greedy, he's eating himself into an early grave.

I am in a similar position with my husband and I think taking the health approach is all well and good, but deep down I just wish he would want to make more of an effort to look good for me and by more of an effort, I mean simply not reaching for that ice-cream at 11 pm. I love him and if the weight gain was a result of an accident or an illness, I won't even think about it, but here it is pure laziness and that is harder to ignore.

Thanks that's interesting to hear.

I totally understand and I’m in a similar situation. Long marriage. He was slim up until 4 years ago when he put on almost 6 stone in 18 months.
Our sex life has dwindled. We can only do it in one position and even that’s difficult. I feel awful typing that like I’m betraying him.
I do love him but I’m not attracted to him anymore.

Apart from the worries about his health it’s the snoring and me waking up with horrible back pains because I’m either rolling towards him or his stomach is pressing on my back. We have an expensive bed which is supposed to prevent that from happening.

He knows he needs to lose weight and he has lost between 7-10lbs. He’s cut down on snacking at home but when he’s out - no idea.

I really wish you both the best.

It's complicated isn't it?

I am starting to resent not being able to have things like ice cream in the house for the children. If I buy a tub of ice cream it will be almost empty in the morning.

I'd like to be able to bake with my children and not worry that DH is going to eat half a cake today as a result.

I'm sure there is more to it than laziness or greed but it's frustrating to watch.

You think you're clever, ey? 🤡

@LifeInTheFatLane thanks, all the best to you as well.

We also had the bed sliding issue! Another reason we sleep in separate rooms now :(

If he's stress eating, maybe encouraging him to see a therapist might be more effective?

Separate rooms you say..... I would get separate homes then he can have his bread and water only and you can have what you like in the cupboards 👀

It is frustrating and having thought about it, it is not laziness, as such, he's one of the least lazy people I know.

It is the lack of self-control, I suppose, that frustrates me. My husband is probably addicted to sugar, but again, refuses to acknowledge or do anything about it.

Would he consided hypnosis?

OP stop having sex with him, tell him the reason.
It's worrying you are continuing to have sex with a 'body ' that you're no longer sexually attracted to.

He really needs to sort his issues around food out, you're powerless, he needs to be the one to do it.

OP you can do all the suggested things, but at the end of the day, you are his partner and not his parent.

I think he needs to want to do it himself. He needs to recognise what's happened to himself in the mirror, and accept that it's not healthy to be that way, not just for looks but surely in years to come he wants to still be there for his children?

I think you should tell him you want to have a talk about something, then just tell him in the same way you've told us on here.

If the roles were reversed do you think he would say the same to you? Maybe he just doesn't realise how bad it's got.

Also, In terms of cooking meals, have you got any of the Pinch of Nom books? The recipes on there are all amazing and you wouldn't think any of them were low calorie.