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Original poster

Help me ask DH to lose weight

175 replies

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:01

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 21:40

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 21:38

I know a lot of what I'm thinking is fat shaming. I guess that's why I don't say anything to DH.

But I can't help how I feel. I don't want to be a young widow. I don't want a husband with lots of avoidable health issues. I want to be attracted to the person I'm having sex with.

Show quote history

None of that is fat shaming. You are not passing judgement on fat people. You are establishing boundaries around your needs within your relationship. Very reasonable needs.

I'm sure @SugarplumFairyyy wasn't talking about you. Probably about the poster who called your husband selfish.

EddietheEagle · 03/01/2023 21:45

Nothing about any of this is fat shaming.

The OP is very much concerned for her husband's health, as well as the effect it is having on her relationship, what's wrong about that?

The husband needs to wake up to what he's doing to his body and do something about it before he has a stroke or a heart attack.

EddietheEagle · 03/01/2023 21:47

@DogInATent

That link shows it's only for people in England. Probably why I haven't heard anything and I'm over 40.

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 21:48

RNLD1981 · 03/01/2023 19:54

Do you apply the same standard to women?

Show quote history

Yes. Absolutely. If you don't care about your partners attraction to you, then it's time to be single. It would be the same if I decided I wanted a full body tattoo and my partner was not into that. I'd choose - be single and get the tattoo or stay with him and don't. If you don't care about your partners attraction to you then it's time to move on because the relationship is dead in the waters.

Of course, women arguably have more leeway as they sometimes have baby weight to shift. But that's because you're bringing their child into the world not because you're sat on your arse eating cheesits all day not giving a shit. Well, tbf it might be both xD

There's nothing wrong with being fat. But it's a problem if you don't give a shit about your partners attraction to you, for whatever reason. Man or woman. And it's a problem if you're so overweight that it could cause your children to lose you early.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 21:53

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 21:40

None of that is fat shaming. You are not passing judgement on fat people. You are establishing boundaries around your needs within your relationship. Very reasonable needs.

I'm sure @SugarplumFairyyy wasn't talking about you. Probably about the poster who called your husband selfish.

Show quote history

Exactly this. OP- I don't feel you are being fat shaming. He is your husband and you care about him! You are entitled to say what you feel to him.
I just mean somewhere posts that are getting rather personal about his character and what sort of person he must be, simply because he is overweight.
Again, you are allowed to feel negative about him and think he's selfish and he's your husband. It's just a weird thing for objective posters to speculate on when none of us are involved.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 03/01/2023 21:53

The health screening thing at 40/50 etc has been quietly dropped by the NHS

It was a thing, but not now

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 21:54

EddietheEagle · 03/01/2023 21:45

Nothing about any of this is fat shaming.

The OP is very much concerned for her husband's health, as well as the effect it is having on her relationship, what's wrong about that?

The husband needs to wake up to what he's doing to his body and do something about it before he has a stroke or a heart attack.

Of course! I never said OP is fat shaming. It's her husband and she cares. But some people are making assumptions about fat people and its a bit unkind in places. Again, my opinion.

WTF475878237NC · 03/01/2023 21:56

The health screening thing at 40/50 etc has been quietly dropped by the NHS

It was a thing, but not now

^ Just got a letter through for my first one so not sure why you think you can speak for all Trusts?

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 21:57

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 03/01/2023 21:53

The health screening thing at 40/50 etc has been quietly dropped by the NHS

It was a thing, but not now

They need to invest in more preventative medicine.

Why wait for people to have strokes and need a bed when you could screen them ten years earlier and hopefully avoid the health crisis to begin with!

Such a false economy to cut services like that.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 22:00

OK maybe I should put in a disclaimer, I'm sure some people have glandular issues or polycyistic ovaries or some other medical reason for weight gain.

But mostly, we're overweight when we eat too much and don't exercise enough. I'm not being fat phobic, its just facts.

Hell I've had a fat arse from time to time xD Who hasn't! But if it puts your partner off you, it's probably time to put the pizza down.

Songbird54321 · 03/01/2023 22:19

If it were me, I'd be perfectly honest whilst also being kind. I'd tell him I was a bit taken aback when our daughter didn't recognise him in a photo which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't very old and it made me realise how much weight he has gained. I'd say that it's made me start to worry about his health and his future. I'd also ask him how he feels, if he has any concerns about this too and whether there is anything I could do to support him, be it practical or emotional. I don't think going in insulting his appearance etc will be at all helpful.
It's not the same, but I have 2 kids and with both gained a stone in the year after they were born (not whilst pregnant) due to PND. I ate to try and cheer myself up. Did it work? Of course not, but that didn't matter at the time. It is extremely likely that this runs far deeper than just liking food a bit too much or being greedy so be prepared for a long old journey.
Good luck OP!

Carlycat · 03/01/2023 23:07

catandcoffee · 03/01/2023 14:16

OP stop having sex with him, tell him the reason.
It's worrying you are continuing to have sex with a 'body ' that you're no longer sexually attracted to.

He really needs to sort his issues around food out, you're powerless, he needs to be the one to do it.

This. You're now having non consensual sex with someone you're no longer attracted to.
Stop having sex with him and he'll soon get his ( overweight ) arse in gear

Chesneyhawkes1 · 03/01/2023 23:11

I wouldn't put my husband on a diet - it's his choice to police his own food intake.

Adults know what they should be eating to loose or maintain their weight.

But I would talk to him and tell him how I felt, from both a health and sexual attraction perspective.

I'd expect him to do the same for me.

randomuser2020 · 03/01/2023 23:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

NorseKiwi · 03/01/2023 23:14

In my experience, weight loss comes from eating less food, its not really from exercising, exercise probably counts for 10% of weight loss.

Have you looked into intermittent fasting?
Gin Stephens book is a good start, he might do well at that, skipping breakfast, having lunch and then a healthy meal cooked at home, you then close your eating window after dinner, so no snacks permitted. Intermittent fasting clears up inflammation, so his aches and pains may disappear after a few months, then once the body heals on the inside, it starts to let go of the weight, its not always an immediate thing, but you can eat without so much guilt.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 23:49

@Carlycat I think that would just make it worse. The overeating seems to be emotional.

It's not non-consensual- I'm consenting to it, but I don't enjoy it like I did before. I think a lot of married people are having not amazing sex.

OP posts:
Shauna27 · 04/01/2023 00:24

I would be as honest (but kind) as possible. You could have a conversation around how you "don't want to be that couple who get old/tired and out of shape in their 40s and that you really want him to get on board with getting back to who you both 'used to be' health and fitness wise". If you include yourself in plan, he'll feel less targeted/judged but I do think it's important that he understands what you expect from your relationship. You're only expecting him to maintain a healthy weight, it's like you said, you're not expecting him to turn into Chris Hemsworth.

SugarplumFairyyy · 04/01/2023 01:04

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 23:49

@Carlycat I think that would just make it worse. The overeating seems to be emotional.

It's not non-consensual- I'm consenting to it, but I don't enjoy it like I did before. I think a lot of married people are having not amazing sex.

If the overeating is emotional then I would say he needs to tackle his stress issues head on and manage that. Otherwise he will be Yo-yoing.

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 01:16

@Pinkbonbon and you would be happy with a man saying this to his wife as well
Surely after being in a long relationship its not all about sex and you actually have genuine feelings for the person as well and love them for the person they are ,so no need to be a prick to them is there when maybe there weight is due to MH issues or other factors

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 01:23

@Herejustforthisone its not different men go through hormonal changes as well its when men get to a certain age that weight starts going on their belly
Happened to my dh at nearly 50 , if he looses weight never from his belly and he skinny legs so hormones shift in men also

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2023 01:23

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 01:16

@Pinkbonbon and you would be happy with a man saying this to his wife as well
Surely after being in a long relationship its not all about sex and you actually have genuine feelings for the person as well and love them for the person they are ,so no need to be a prick to them is there when maybe there weight is due to MH issues or other factors

It's not being a prick to be honest with your partner. Yes these are hard truths to hear but would you rather keep sleeping with your partner while they fantasise about other people? Or would you rather they were honest with you and you could then work together to resolve the issue?

Love is all well and good but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice attraction. Them having mental health issues are a possibility too, but they still wouldn't be a reason to gloss over your own needs. Healthy relationships involve honesty. Tact is important too but if they blatantly ignore your hints then there comes a point where you just have to flat out say it. Otherwise they'll continue on as they are and you'll continue on miserable about it.

healthadvice123 · 04/01/2023 01:28

@Pinkbonbon Op said she hasn't really said anything though so i think going down the healthy route option is best first of
I have put on weight due to medical issues over last few years and luckily when I have spoken to DH he just says I'm still me , still the person he loves
But i guess he knows my weight is not all my fault and I am trying to address if
But my dh would also hate to be with someone who is obsessive over their weight and what they eat so we all have different things we find unattractive

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2023 01:34

Well that's it though, you're trying to address it. Plus you initiated conversations about it. Which shows you care. Plus it seems that your extra weight is fine with him anyway. You know this because you've actually brought it up with him, which shows maturity, williness to address issues and concern for him. Ops partner however...

Pinkbonbon · 04/01/2023 01:36

Tbf I suppose you could argue that men are not encouraged to share their feelings the same as we women though so maybe he has a slight reprieve there.

OdeToBillyJoe · 04/01/2023 03:50

There was a post on here not long ago written by a man who no longer found his wife attractive as she'd put on weight.

He was absolutely torn to shreds!