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Original poster

Help me ask DH to lose weight

175 replies

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:01

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 18:13

Exactly pp. Its so worrying the amount of internal mysoginy on these posts. Her husband is not owed sex. And op should not have sex she doesn't want to have.

EddietheEagle · 03/01/2023 18:23

@Pinkbonbon

Completely agree

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 18:40

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 18:10

Too many people on here pussy footing around.

Ops literally sleeping with someone she no longer fancies (as if he hasn't realised!) and everyone's boohooing about the selfish pricks feelings. It's grim.

Of course she should tell him she doesn't fancy and stop sleeping with him (not to motivate or manipulate - but because she doesn't fancy him!)

Maybe if we were less worried about the feelings of selfish man children, we'd accept better for ourselves than sex we didn't want.

You aren't obligated yo have sex you don't want. And you can be honest with your partner, even if it means being blunt if they aren't taking hints.

Why is he a selfish prick though? Because he's gained weight? Or is there something else in the text that I can't quote remember.
Just a genuine question as I'd like to know the reasons for his perceived selfishness

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 18:47

All I read is a mention that DH and OP have had lots of stress and his reaction is to overeat. And he's a very good husband in other ways.

I mean lots of people overeat due to stress. It's quite common. I think OP will need to answer herself if he's selfish and either agree with that or stand up for DH there...

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 19:10

As to why he is selfish:
*he is overweight - without either thought or care to how that will affect his family. Eg: if he died. (Or even just little things like how it may prevent him engaging in activities with his kids).
*his wife no longer fancies him and he doesn't seem to give a shit. He either straight up doesn't care or just doesn't care to notice.
*His wife has taken the time and put in the effort to maintain her weight and appearance, despite baring three of his kids. Yet, he doesn't seem interested in doing the same for her. As if he thinks it's the woman's job to maintain her attractiveness but he doesn't have to bother.

  • Every time op suggest doing something that is obviously to reduce his weight, he refuses. Or initially agrees and then cops out. Feigning ignorance and making op feel like the hints aren't working so she probably now feels like she may have to be more blunt - but oh no, what if that hurts his feelings. Basically making her inti the 'bad guy'.

Probably more but that'll do lol

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 19:31

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 19:10

As to why he is selfish:
*he is overweight - without either thought or care to how that will affect his family. Eg: if he died. (Or even just little things like how it may prevent him engaging in activities with his kids).
*his wife no longer fancies him and he doesn't seem to give a shit. He either straight up doesn't care or just doesn't care to notice.
*His wife has taken the time and put in the effort to maintain her weight and appearance, despite baring three of his kids. Yet, he doesn't seem interested in doing the same for her. As if he thinks it's the woman's job to maintain her attractiveness but he doesn't have to bother.

  • Every time op suggest doing something that is obviously to reduce his weight, he refuses. Or initially agrees and then cops out. Feigning ignorance and making op feel like the hints aren't working so she probably now feels like she may have to be more blunt - but oh no, what if that hurts his feelings. Basically making her inti the 'bad guy'.

Probably more but that'll do lol

I really don't think that's completely fair. We don't know exactly what he's like.
I won't speak for OP though.
It's her husband if she feels the need to defend him.

But not being attractive to his wife via being overweight isn't selfish. He might have other stresses in life that are more pressing than his appearance. It's more complex than all that...

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 19:48

Whats more pressing than your health and your own wife's attraction to you? Sleeping with someone you love who's obviously not into it (because of course he knows) should surely be his number one priority to resolve.

Do you think a man would continue sleeping with a woman he didn't fancy just so as not to hurt her feelings? Probably not.

OK maybe he's depressed? I suppose that could explain it as opposed to being consciously selfish. I'd still be reluctant to allow him that as an excuse though if he hasn't broached the topic with op and seems to want to bury his head in the sand about that and his weight.

RNLD1981 · 03/01/2023 19:54

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 19:48

Whats more pressing than your health and your own wife's attraction to you? Sleeping with someone you love who's obviously not into it (because of course he knows) should surely be his number one priority to resolve.

Do you think a man would continue sleeping with a woman he didn't fancy just so as not to hurt her feelings? Probably not.

OK maybe he's depressed? I suppose that could explain it as opposed to being consciously selfish. I'd still be reluctant to allow him that as an excuse though if he hasn't broached the topic with op and seems to want to bury his head in the sand about that and his weight.

Do you apply the same standard to women?

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 19:59

Pinkbonbon · 03/01/2023 19:48

Whats more pressing than your health and your own wife's attraction to you? Sleeping with someone you love who's obviously not into it (because of course he knows) should surely be his number one priority to resolve.

Do you think a man would continue sleeping with a woman he didn't fancy just so as not to hurt her feelings? Probably not.

OK maybe he's depressed? I suppose that could explain it as opposed to being consciously selfish. I'd still be reluctant to allow him that as an excuse though if he hasn't broached the topic with op and seems to want to bury his head in the sand about that and his weight.

I'm just going to respectfully opt out of continuing on this particular debate. I think we probably have different view points and that's fine with me.

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 20:09

RNLD1981 · 03/01/2023 19:54

Do you apply the same standard to women?

Show quote history

The people who think this way never do. Women are allowed to get fat because babies and menopause and no time to themselves. Of course. But men do it and they're selfish bastards asking to be dumped, regardless of the reason or circumstances.

Emotional eating is a coping mechanism. So is alcohol use. Mindlessly scrolling your phone all day. Compulsive shopping. Working too much.

It's only human and who of us can say, hand on heart, that they have none of these unhealthy habits?

Overeating is dangerous and of course he should strive to get in under control. OP's struggles with health concerns and lack of desire are entirely valid and understandable too. It's a problem for them to tackle together.

But to go and demonise the poor man and call him selfish for something most of us struggle with occasionally is just so cruel and shortsighted. Sad to read such unbalanced opinions.

Judgyjudgy · 03/01/2023 20:11

Sorry I haven't read all the replies, but can you do it by stealth? Start removing snacks out of Pantry, only cook healthy, do activities in free time. You could do this gradually so he doesn't even realise. I actually wish someone would do this with me! 😆

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/01/2023 20:12

Start off with a simple question, then try to get him to open up & share

DH do you think you have put on weight in recent years?
(If no, you've got a much bigger problem to deal with)
Then ask why he thinks that is, and if he's ever thought of doing anything about it.
If he asks why you're asking, you can say you're worried for his health, and your DD didn't recognise him in the old photo, so you realised he has changed quite a bit & you're wondering what he thinks of it.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 20:14

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 20:09

The people who think this way never do. Women are allowed to get fat because babies and menopause and no time to themselves. Of course. But men do it and they're selfish bastards asking to be dumped, regardless of the reason or circumstances.

Emotional eating is a coping mechanism. So is alcohol use. Mindlessly scrolling your phone all day. Compulsive shopping. Working too much.

It's only human and who of us can say, hand on heart, that they have none of these unhealthy habits?

Overeating is dangerous and of course he should strive to get in under control. OP's struggles with health concerns and lack of desire are entirely valid and understandable too. It's a problem for them to tackle together.

But to go and demonise the poor man and call him selfish for something most of us struggle with occasionally is just so cruel and shortsighted. Sad to read such unbalanced opinions.

Show quote history

Thank you so much for putting into words so eloquently what I wanted to say. I was beginning to feel a little drained and exhausted at trying to get a valid point across.

Tron80 · 03/01/2023 20:22

"I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week. Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up.".

Could this be that he now has children and works and, is now required at home at every opportunity to 50/50 so cannot
go to the gym?

"We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays".

He sounds very unhappy and carrying a huge emotional burden. Has anything been put in place to help him deal with these stresses? Have these stresses been resolved? Or, is it his sole responsibility to deal with these stresses?

"He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate. I've never said anything".

Have you actually actively facilitated and enabled his ability to return to the gym or have a physical hobby ? One that will take him away from the home and getting fit? Maybe you should now finally say something. Say you encourage him to take up a sport ane will support him in doing so. Speak up now woman!

"He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly".

If this was a man posting he would be having his arse handed to him right now. Show your DH this photo, it may prove to be a massive wake up call for him. Remind him how he looked before he married and had kids.

"I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body".

He sounds depressed and generally bogged down. If he were less stressed/less bogged down and happier , he would likely be more his old self. Something has changed in his life since you first met him. Any ideas what the trigger could be?

"I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me".

👏 Well done you! Bravo darling.

Ecydsis · 03/01/2023 20:23

EddietheEagle · 03/01/2023 18:11

She wouldn't be 'withholding sex' 😂

There's something not quite right about forcing yourself to have sex with someone you're not attracted to. Why would anyone want to do that?

Show quote history

There is a different between not having sex with someone because you no longer fancy them and withholding sex to make someone do what you want.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 20:37

DogInATent · 03/01/2023 12:05

If he's approaching 40 he should be coming up for the first NHS Health Check invitation. Make sure you both accept the invitation and take the appointments.

I'm nearly 42 and never had this.

Itemremovedfromthebaggingarea · 03/01/2023 20:37

Difficult one op. Could you talk kindly but honestly with him. Tell him what you’ve told us. Perhaps saying that you love him but have noticed that he seems to be ‘stress eating’ and that this will impact his health. If his health goes downhill he’ll feel more stressed and you want to help him with this. Ask him what, if anything, he wants to do about it and how you can help. Would he like you to help him kick start a food/exercise regime?
I think all you can do is offer to assist him with it, it’s really down to him. Be firm but kind. Tell him the health of each of you in the family becomes a family problem if there’s an issue.
He knows he’s overweight but is lacking motivation - give him a bit of direction.

CosyScentedCandles · 03/01/2023 20:37

He has to want to do it for himself.

I grew up with a mum who nagged my dad constantly about his weight, his eating, he doesn’t need seconds, why is he having a snack and it served nothing but to make my dad feel bad AND he ate whatever food he was being berated for eating. A few years ago my father lost 2.5 stone doing slimming world because he was finally in a place where he felt motivated to do something about it.

Likewise now DH is on the chubby side. He has no motivation to change his eating habits but is keen to go to the gym which he does 2-3 times a week and makes a difference. I don’t nag him to do either but I encourage him when he expresses an interest in addressing his weight and he and I are getting healthier together.

Fat people aren’t unaware that they are fat. They don’t need to be told “you’re fat, I think you should lose weight”. An honest and kind conversation about how he feels about his weight and any potential emotional eating issues will be a much more constructive approach to addressing the problem.

Herejustforthisone · 03/01/2023 20:56

RNLD1981 · 03/01/2023 19:54

Do you apply the same standard to women?

Show quote history

It is slightly different for women, as we endure the hormonally and potentially physically devastating experience of pregnancy, childbirth and beyond.

If he was the one who grew and gave birth to the kids, then I apologise.

DogInATent · 03/01/2023 21:15

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/01/2023 20:37

I'm nearly 42 and never had this.

Show quote history

That's nice dear.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/nhs-health-check/

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 21:16

Herejustforthisone · 03/01/2023 20:56

It is slightly different for women, as we endure the hormonally and potentially physically devastating experience of pregnancy, childbirth and beyond.

If he was the one who grew and gave birth to the kids, then I apologise.

Show quote history

What if i'm childless by choice or through infertility? I guess i'm not allowed to get fat then.

Herejustforthisone · 03/01/2023 21:19

LaLuz7 · 03/01/2023 21:16

What if i'm childless by choice or through infertility? I guess i'm not allowed to get fat then.

Show quote history

Of course you can. You can do whatever you like. You can eat whatever you like. But your partner isn’t obliged to find you sexually attractive.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 21:24

@Tron80

'He sounds very unhappy and carrying a huge emotional burden. Has anything been put in place to help him deal with these stresses? Have these stresses been resolved? Or, is it his sole responsibility to deal with these stresses?'

He's had a lot of stress to do with his family. I've provided an extraordinary amount of support in relation to his family over the years but I've put some boundaries around it because it's dysfunctional and DH puts his head in the sand whenever he can. He was letting me do too much while he pretended the problems didn't exist and it strained our marriage. We were in couples counselling for a time about it.

DH was seeing a psychologist for a time about his family issues. He found it helpful but eventually stopped going. I've suggested he go back and he makes noises that he will and then doesn't.

I think he needs to return to counselling and work through his family stuff but I can't make him and I'm just emotionally spent on the issue now.

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 21:32

Some.of these posts are incredibly "fat shaming".

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 21:38

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 21:32

Some.of these posts are incredibly "fat shaming".

I know a lot of what I'm thinking is fat shaming. I guess that's why I don't say anything to DH.

But I can't help how I feel. I don't want to be a young widow. I don't want a husband with lots of avoidable health issues. I want to be attracted to the person I'm having sex with.

OP posts: