Help me ask DH to lose weight

[StarsSand]

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

A quite large sex-based generalisation is coming in this post, but IMO a lot of damage in relationships is done because some women don't understand that men are, as a rule, much more comfortable with and receptive to, honest and clear feedback than a woman would be in the same situation. So my advice is don't talk in circles, don't suggest he goes to the gym for me time, tell him clearly and honestly that you are worried about his weight from a health and sexual attraction perspective and would like him to lose it. Give him around a month to sulk abd lick his wounded pride, and then fully support him to change his diet and his habits when he decides he wants to start.

Stop having sex with him

Well whatever you say to encourage him, maybe don't start with "I don't really fancy you anymore". Might slightly get his back up 😆

Ouch. This is really harsh 😕

I agree that you shouldn't have sex with him if you're no longer attracted to him. Yes it's an 'ouch' moment and his feelings will be hurt, but maybe it's the wake up call needed?

Sometimes people need a wake up call in order to make a change. I previously lost 4 stones because a colleague commented on how tight my work uniform had become. I was mortified, but it was what I needed to make me realise.

But it's the truth as harsh as it sounds.

Someone forcing themselves to have sex with a person who they are not remotely sexually attracted to.

As a fat fucker myself, though one who has almost always been chubby at best, I can confirm that it needs to come from him, but there's nothing wrong with addressing it diplomatically. "DH, I've noticed that, while you used to blow off steam through exercise, you now seem to deal with stress by eating your feelings. I'm worried about this from a health perspective, and I will support you whenever you decide you are ready to make a change because I want you to be around to watch our children grow up".

My other half is a fat fucker too - we've had a long talk about it, finished off the Christmas snacks, visited a gym for him to join (I already exercise most days), and meal prepped lunches and snacks for our fresh start today. I think it's a lot easier to talk about when you both need to lose a lot of weight. We are both over 20st so hopefully those first few pounds will come off quickly and boost our motivation.

Two Chubby Cubs and The Hairy Bikers have done cookbooks with great tasting, healthy recipes if you want to shave a few calories off your family's meals in the meantime, but it sounds like mindless snacking is his thing and that's a bit harder to control. Home made popcorn has plenty of bulk without all the added sugar and fats. Having high protein snacks available, such as boiled eggs, seafood sticks etc might help to satisfy him - even us emotional eaters manage to completely fill that void occasionally!

Yeah I get what you mean and I re-read your post. You didn't call him unattractive yourself- those werent your words- and it is true if someone is SO unattractive to you, then forcing yourself to have sex with them isn't ideal. I guess my hubby put some weight on (he's not fat) and I'm super attracted to him. I put on quite a lot of weight after an awful time in my life and he never treated me differently. That's the ideal though and you can't help feelings.

I guess I just feel sorry for the bloke if he's struggling.

Sorry! My previous post was addressed to @catandcoffee

I also had a friend who married the love of her life 15 years ago. (We lost touch recently just through busy lives)
They were so attracted to each other. She had two kids and one child had some real
Health issues. After the birth and stress, she put on quite a bit of weight and he wasn't attracted to her anymore.
He pretty much told her so and gave her an ultimatum. He said he couldn't be with her romantically unless she lost weight. She just was so depressed and couldn't shift it. In the end he left her for someone younger and thinnner and she has the kids most of the time. Hes built a new family now.
When I heard this I really didn't like the way he approached it with her and how shit he made her feel about herself.

I’d go for the honest approach. I don’t think pussy-footing around works too well.

But I understand that’s my personality and it may not be yours.

“H, I need to talk to you. Since we’ve had the children, you’ve stopped exercising, you’re eating poorly and you’ve gained a lot of weight. So much so, you have to sleep in another room from me. I’m really worried about your health, especially your heart. Also, and this will hurt, I just don’t find you sexually attractive anymore. Please will you take steps to get healthier and lose weight? You need to take ownership of this, but I will support you.”

Show him the old photo of himself and comment how attractive and sexy you found him in the photo. Suggest you could both take up a sport together.

Honestly I see nothing wrong with having a conversation with him saying you are worried about his health and that you are more attracted to him at a normal weight.

There is no point in denying that many people don't find obesity in a partner sexually attractive, I know I genuinely wouldn't be able to . My weight fluctuates a bit and i know with my husband every saying anything that he prefers me when I'm slimmer than when I move into overweight territory,

Regardless what some on here may say to you, It doesnt make you a shallow horrible person.

That’s not remotely the same is it? That’s ageing and just happens, putting on weight has nothing to do with age. It’s not a given.

When I had to take medication for my MH, these tablets were very much ones that would make you put on weight. Increased appetite massively. I had no control over it and with severe mental health issues just couldn't control it. I put on a lit of weight back then, some of it shifted. But I was so grateful hubby still found me attractive and never put me down. His focus was on getting me well and being there for me and we married each other through "thick and thin" 😆
But I think it's OK to feel a little less attracted to someone if they put on weight- I'm not saying you cab control that either. I just think be sensitive about it and dont be like my friends husband who just decided his wife got fat and gave ger an ultimatum: lose weight or lose me. He left her and the kids.
It's not ALL to do with attraction and sex. There should also be a bond there that keeps you going too.

I’m in the same situation but with sexes reversed. My wife was a size 10 when we met. Now size 20. I just don’t find her attractive anymore and it’s massively impacted our relationship.

So much bad advice on here 😮

You can't make him lose weight by belittling him, by saying you don't fancy him, or by withholding sex

It's his issue, he needs to decide to solve it or not

You are taking the role of mother, trying to manage and cajole him into yoga, and eating less...

The only good advice is to talk to him honestly, but then leave it at that.

I know so many men who are put on diets by their wives who then have secret fast food meals on the way home from work/gym

You can't fix him. But yes, have that conversation

Exactly this. No one can successfully loose weight until they choose todo so. The more people try to intervene the more they’ll feel shit about themselves, out of control etc and end up eating more

exercise alone won’t lead to reduced weight significantly. We need around 2000 cal per day- exercise uses a few of those . Most of it goes on heating our blood as warm blooded animals. Recent research says the body will try to maintain output at an equilibrium if you do more exercise - hence why you feel tired after exercise, the bodies way of conserving calories. You might be able to burn off a few hundred but it isn’t going to make the difference to being massively overweight. Focus for exercise should be on fitness, strength and flexibility and mental health.. It’s needed. But not as a diet alone

Restricting what you eat through diet to reduce calories and weight is extraordinary difficult . Most people fail to keep massive weight loss off and their weight cycles into yo-yo dieting. Keeps billions in the diet industry and millions of people in cycles of misery and poor self esteem. Over eating is a form of addiction- except you can’t cut it out completely like booze, gambling, smoking etc. no one would advise an alcoholic to loose their addiction by consuming a small glass of wine per day. So, it is going to be extraordinarily difficult.

only the person who is overweight can summon the motivation todo that. no amount of encouragement, genuine health concerns, nagging, or gentle conversation will do that

There is possibly some usefulness in counselling or other forms of emotional support if he does emotionally eat. That is possibly worth discussing.

you’ll have to make the decision if you want to remain with him or not, Op . It cannot be contingent on him or you looking a certain way, being fit and healthy etc.

I can understand why you’re less attracted to him. If I weighed 5stone plus heavier than I did when I got married I’d certainly be wondering in my mind if my DH fancied me still. I’m not sure if everyone doesn’t think that, or if they just bury it. I also grew up in a household whereby weight was mentioned, not health conscious as such but my mum was always on and off diets. I am too, and I’m under 9 stone so not heavy but I don’t like to let myself go. I don’t think it’s vain to not fancy something as much as they are fatter. Let’s face it fat rolls aren’t attractive, neither is snoring or not even being able to share a bed with your own husband. Doesn’t he want to fix that so you can wake up together? I’d try and focus on these things - tell him that you feel upset he doesn’t want to change that. It might not be as upsetting as saying you don’t fancy him as much. I wouldn’t have as much sex with him either if I didn’t fancy him as he’s going to think you do if you’re having regular sex still

I think the only approach you could take is to ask him how he feels about his weight and listen to what he has to say. If he's bothered, you can offer support. If he isn't bothered, or doesn't want to admit it, at least you've sown a seed and he might think further on it. I don't think telling him how you feel will help, it will just make him feel worse about it. He needs to decide to want to do it for himself. But I would try and persuade him to have his blood pressure and cholesterol checked.

I turned 40 5 years ago and received nothing of the sort!

I'd genuinely just tell him straight up 'you need to lose weight, I have no intention of hanging around until you have a heart attack. And I'm sorry but I'm also not attracted to you when you're this size. So obviously that's a big problem. What can we do to get your weight down? Let's get a plan of action together'.

Too many people on here pussy footing around.

Ops literally sleeping with someone she no longer fancies (as if he hasn't realised!) and everyone's boohooing about the selfish pricks feelings. It's grim.

Of course she should tell him she doesn't fancy and stop sleeping with him (not to motivate or manipulate - but because she doesn't fancy him!)

Maybe if we were less worried about the feelings of selfish man children, we'd accept better for ourselves than sex we didn't want.

You aren't obligated yo have sex you don't want. And you can be honest with your partner, even if it means being blunt if they aren't taking hints.

She wouldn't be 'withholding sex' 😂

There's something not quite right about forcing yourself to have sex with someone you're not attracted to. Why would anyone want to do that?