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Original poster

Help me ask DH to lose weight

175 replies

StarsSand · 03/01/2023 12:01

I've been with DH for ten years now. While we were dating he was a healthy weight, eating a lot but playing sport a few times a week.

Since we've had children six years ago his weight has gone up. We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

He's made no attempt to lose weight in the six years he's been gaining. Never increased his exercise or watched what he ate.

I've never said anything.

He's now so overweight, when I showed our 6 year old a photo of him from when she was a baby, she didn't recognise him. It was a wake up call for me. His face has lost its definition and he has a big belly.

I'm not physically attracted to him anymore. I know it's horrible but I'm not. I don't expect him to be Chris Hemsworth but I do wish he would take some responsibility for his health and body.

I've had three children and I've managed to keep my weight steady. I make an effort on my appearance for him and it bothers me that he's just let himself go and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

In other ways he is a good husband. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I am concerned it will just get worse and worse. We're approaching 40 and the weight around his stomach concerns me from a heart health perspective. He snores loudly and has a lot of nigglely health issues like back pain, foot pain and headaches. I wonder if he was healthier overall if some of these would clear up as well.

Has anyone had any success convincing their spouse to lose weight? Is there a 'nice' way of saying 'you're too fat now'.

OP posts:
Paq · 03/01/2023 13:02

I would approach it from a health angle: "DH, your eating habits are unhealthy and you don't do enough exercise to keep you fit and well. I'm concerned about the impact on our children and our marriage if you don't look after yourself. I'll support you but change has to come from you. Please know that this is a serious concern for you and us, I can't continue to you unless you start to take responsibility for your health."

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:03

Timeforabiscuit · 03/01/2023 12:57

BTW, a mistake I made was being too helpful, I did all the slimming world recipes as family meals, bought and organised healthy snacks, but it all comes to nothing if their overconsumming elsewhere, so now I just support and encourage - but organising and doing is all down to him.

That's happened to me as well. I'd put time and effort into researching and making healthy and filling meals and keeping all treats out of the house- and then he'd finish dinner then absentmindedly eat half a loaf of bread one slice at a time while washing up, and then have a bowl of cereal while watching TV.

It's obviously not personal but it feels personally aggravating, rightly or wrongly.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 03/01/2023 13:04

We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

If stress is causing him to overeat, no amount of hints or health concern type comments will get him to eat less. Is there anything that can be done to lower his stress levels?

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:05

I just want to say thanks for being so nice to me. I was honestly expecting to get flamed for this.

I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
whatstheteamarie · 03/01/2023 13:06

Do you have health insurance?

Could you look at getting it if not or amending it if so?

For example "DH, I've been looking at our health insurance policy and now you're in the obese/morbidly obese category we need to declare it and our premium is going to increase from £X to £Y. Why don't we make that payment adjustment now (as we need to make sure we're covered as there's a much larger risk of you having a heart attack/stroke etc now) with the aim of getting you back into the healthy weight category by X month and reducing our premiums again then?"

What you don't want to happen is your DH drop dead from a weight-related issue and your life insurance not pay out as he's not declared his increase in weight, then you and the kids end up both grieving and in financial trouble.

Equally, if you don't have life insurance, you should definitely get it as he's decreasing his life expectancy with this weight gain and you can have a similar discussion then when he has to declare his height and weight.

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:06

I bet ypu are not as attractive as when you met though.would you ve okay with him saying that you have aged and your boobs have sagged and your fanjo is looser?

User0610134057 · 03/01/2023 13:06

DogInATent · 03/01/2023 12:05

If he's approaching 40 he should be coming up for the first NHS Health Check invitation. Make sure you both accept the invitation and take the appointments.

Do they still do this? I’m 41 and not been asked.
i assume maybe it’s fallen by the wayside with surgeries being so stretched

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:07

Onnabugeisha · 03/01/2023 13:04

We've had more stress than most families and his reaction is to overeat. Each time there is a stressful event he packs on weight and it stays.

If stress is causing him to overeat, no amount of hints or health concern type comments will get him to eat less. Is there anything that can be done to lower his stress levels?

He used to manage his stress through exercise! If he was having a bad day at work, he'd play basketball and say he felt so much better after a run around.

Now he plays video games to manage his stress.

OP posts:
fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:07

Could you approach it from an ' NHS has gone to pot, we must make a pact to look after ourselves'

LindorDoubleChoc · 03/01/2023 13:09

Saggy boobs and a looser "fanjo" aren't going to kill anyone are they? I think you are scraping the barrel with that comment.

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:10

LindorDoubleChoc · 03/01/2023 13:09

Saggy boobs and a looser "fanjo" aren't going to kill anyone are they? I think you are scraping the barrel with that comment.

Mo my point is, how would she feel if he said that?
Very hurt I imagine.That's why I think she should leave any reference to attractiveness out of any talk

SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 13:11

I'd say something like:
'Looking at old photos it's noticeable you've put on weight and though I still love you very much I must admit I found you more attractive at your previous weight. If you know he wants to lose weight I would ask: how can I best support you with this? What can I do to help you? and agree a plan in place but he needs to be the driver of that plan or at least very enthusiastic and committed.

If he says he's not bothered, it could be defensiveness but if he genuinely has no plans to lose weight I would say: Even though I'd love for you to get slimmer and fitter firstly for yourself and secondly to be around and active with our children and thirdly for us to maintain sexual attraction towards each other, I understand that this is ultimately your decision.

And that's all the conversation I would ever have and if he asks why he's not getting sex tell him you're not sexually attracted to him following the weight gain even though you love him as a person.

Flittingaboutagain · 03/01/2023 13:12

Here is my experience:

Went to mid life health check and was told he needed to lose around a stone and a half and address cholesterol through diet.

Has upped exercise from nothing to once weekly but made no effort to stop eating crap most days after a nutritious home cooked meal.

Absolutely hated it the one time I suggested he didn't eat any more chocolates from the tin and perhaps not order dessert every time we ate out.

So now I do not say anything. I can't believe he hasn't linked the fact that we have sex less, he snores now, clothes don't fit and his weight has gone up so much in the last year. Or he has and isn't fussed.

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:12

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:06

I bet ypu are not as attractive as when you met though.would you ve okay with him saying that you have aged and your boobs have sagged and your fanjo is looser?

Everyone changes with time. I guess it's a question of degree.

I'm no supermodel but I look after my overall health and make some effort with my appearance. That's all I would like him to do.

OP posts:
LuciferRising · 03/01/2023 13:13

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:10

Mo my point is, how would she feel if he said that?
Very hurt I imagine.That's why I think she should leave any reference to attractiveness out of any talk

Show quote history

There's a big difference between natural aging and being very unhealthy.

Badger1970 · 03/01/2023 13:13

Bluntly, from a fellow fattie, there's a reason why he's overeating and until he's ready to confront that, you're going to be banging your head against a brick wall. This is inside his head and a compulsion.

Soothsayer1 · 03/01/2023 13:15

He's not listening to you is he?
If it was me I think I would try for a bit longer maybe another six months? But if he doesn't show any concern or regard for his own health I would step back and I would focus on my own health and wellbeing.
Problem is he's likely to come ill and disabled and that will impact all the family in a very negative way, all because he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his own health🙁

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:15

Flittingaboutagain · 03/01/2023 13:12

Here is my experience:

Went to mid life health check and was told he needed to lose around a stone and a half and address cholesterol through diet.

Has upped exercise from nothing to once weekly but made no effort to stop eating crap most days after a nutritious home cooked meal.

Absolutely hated it the one time I suggested he didn't eat any more chocolates from the tin and perhaps not order dessert every time we ate out.

So now I do not say anything. I can't believe he hasn't linked the fact that we have sex less, he snores now, clothes don't fit and his weight has gone up so much in the last year. Or he has and isn't fussed.

This is our lives as well.

My fear is that even if I say something, nothing will happen.

OP posts:
Trisolaris · 03/01/2023 13:16

My husband put on a lot of weight in the time since we started dating. I told him that I loved him no matter what size but that I was concerned about the trend if he continued putting on weight the same way he could end up in a very dangerous place health wise. He agreed and has tried a number of things to address it. I don’t think focusing on attraction would have helped, he needed to feel loved and supported.

SPlRlT · 03/01/2023 13:17

Don;t be daft @fUNNYfACE36 looser breasts, skin and vagina from aging or having children are not the same as eating too many pies. Don't bother quoting me how metabolism declines, either - very familiar of how your contributions go.
School will be back soon, solidarity MNers!

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:17

Badger1970 · 03/01/2023 13:13

Bluntly, from a fellow fattie, there's a reason why he's overeating and until he's ready to confront that, you're going to be banging your head against a brick wall. This is inside his head and a compulsion.

His family is really messed up. They've been difficult and the cause of a lot of our stress.

I don't know if a counsellor can unpack it, he hates talking about it and it's not the kind of problem you can solve.

OP posts:
Setyoufree · 03/01/2023 13:18

How are you keeping yourself in shape? I wonder if it's a leading by example thing? Eg you do intermittent fasting and he does it with you? He sees you going for a walk when you first get up, that sort of thing? I guess on a practical note you could strip all the junk out of the house? Our bread is in the freezer, he'd have to dig it out and toast it which stops mindless snacking? Just have muesli in the house rather than cereal?

I hear you, it's very frustrating

Original poster
StarsSand · 03/01/2023 13:18

Trisolaris · 03/01/2023 13:16

My husband put on a lot of weight in the time since we started dating. I told him that I loved him no matter what size but that I was concerned about the trend if he continued putting on weight the same way he could end up in a very dangerous place health wise. He agreed and has tried a number of things to address it. I don’t think focusing on attraction would have helped, he needed to feel loved and supported.

Thanks.

Thinking about it I think they should at least be separate conversations. As in, initially raise it solely from a health perspective and if that doesn't work, much later- saying it's impacting our relationship as well.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 03/01/2023 13:19

fUNNYfACE36 · 03/01/2023 13:06

I bet ypu are not as attractive as when you met though.would you ve okay with him saying that you have aged and your boobs have sagged and your fanjo is looser?

The equivalent in a man would be that he now has some lines on his face some sagging skin and his scrotum hangs lower, but that's not what we're talking about at all is it?
She isn't expecting him to look eternally 30, she is expecting him to take care of his health.

Choconut · 03/01/2023 13:19

User0610134057 · 03/01/2023 13:06

Do they still do this? I’m 41 and not been asked.
i assume maybe it’s fallen by the wayside with surgeries being so stretched

Show quote history

I'm 47 and never been asked so I definitely wouldn't wait for that OP!

Could you approach it from an 'I'm worried about your stress levels and how you are dealing with stress' rather than directly from a food/over weight angle?