@StarsSand can I give perspective. I am your husband. I was always quite slim. Exercises a lot.
5 years ago, I had to flea my (now ex) husband with my kids. I lived in a. Friends sofa with my kids for 6 months. I also ended up with ptsd. Got my own home and found working full time, in a new area away from my parents and support (it was the only place I could afford) exhausting. I put a couple of stone on. I ended up going on sick leave on anti depressants, therapy etc. During this time, someone who was a friend became more of a friend. I dealt with everything. Started getting healthier again.
Then the lockdowns hit. My whole team was furloughed. Trying to home school my youngest (the oldest was 15 so was easier) look after the kids and work at least 10 hours a day. I put more weight on. I knew I was putting it on. I hated it. I just didn’t have the the will to do anything.
Then in late 2021 I had had enough and started losing weight. I lost 2 stone. And my mum died in December 2021. For a year I have eaten my feelings. My dp (the friend who became more) does his best to support me and the kids. But at the end of most days once the kids were in bed I would take myself off upstairs, with snacks and eat and cry. The whole year I have been unhappy with my weight. I wanted to do something. But I also needed something to fill the hole I have felt. I know it impacts my relationship with Dp, even though he says it doesn’t. It does. Because I don’t want to have sex as much. Don’t want to go out as much etc.
Since November this year, something has changed but I don’t know what. I have stopped eating in bed on an evening while watching TV and the weight is coming off. Seeing some come off has spurred me on. But I can’t tell you what’s changed. I am still broken from the last few years. Still miss my mum more than I can say. I do know, I don’t want my kids to go through the loss of their mother for a long time.
So many suggestions here are just not helpful. Some are skirting the line of abuse (not you Op, I mean responses) like ‘can you talk and to some fit men in front of him, try and make him jealous’. If. Man did that to his wife to try and get her to lose weight, people would say it’s emotionally abusive.
Don’t treat him like a child. Fat people know we are fat. We don’t need to manipulated into it. But it’s really not always as easy as ‘just eat less’. We do love our partners and our kids. But it’s almost like you over eat to survive, like it’s something you need to do.
I think you need to set aside sometime and be honest. It may not go down well. But it’s better than hinting and half telling him. I would even tell him it’s not fair not being able to buy the kids ice cream. Tell him.
Being overweight does impact relationships. A persons health does have consequences for the family. Someone eating anything bought for the kids, all in one go, is being incredibly unfair.
Don’t tell him not to have the milkshake and a black coffee instead. By doing that it’s clear you are saying ‘you are fat. Don’t have that’. That’s worse than an honest conversation. He may be depressed or stress eating but he needs to seek help with that.
What’s better? An honest conversation or the next few years, you skirting the issue, your sex life dwindling, you becoming resentful of it all, getting pissed off he ate all the ice cream/bread/cereal and generally disliking and then leaving.
Even if it does kill your marriage. I am sure you would feel better knowing you tried to tell him.
But at the end of the day, he won’t lose weight until he is ready. It’s sad. It’s frustrating (both for you and him) but you have to really be in the right place.
I feel for you. Because it’s not easy from either side.