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Original poster

I think he's calling off the wedding...

261 replies

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 10:37

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

OP posts:
FartWrangler · 03/01/2023 13:09

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on

This is the most stupid reason he could have come up with.

And if he was bothered about you sleeping with him before you'd properly split up with your previous boyfriend, why did he sleep with you?

That aside, I wouldn't marry anyone who wanted to stay out until 4AM - but that's because our lives and interests would be so radically different that we would never have got together in the first place.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 13:10

@MysteryBelle ·thanks for the laugh

Decide whether you want to be in nightclubs at 4 am or if you want to be married both thanks. Not very often, and DH gets equal chance, but I'm not tied to the kitchen sink or my husbands penis 24/7

Nightclubs are meant to be places of dancing and drinking with romantic/sexual atmosphere. what nightclubs did you go to cos I can tell you none of them are romantic, and even sexual is pushing it. We've always gone largely as single sex groups when we were younger with little interest in copping off or copulating. I like drinking and dancing with my friends.

That’s just a fact. Logic
It isn't.

If you really just wanted a drink with your friends, you could go to dinner etc and/or not stay out all night. One or the other is fine but if you want to have both then be with someone who doesn’t mind it. OK so nightclubs ARE totally acceptable without you needing to want sex? She just has a controlling partner. Agreed.

Personally, I would not accept my dh going out to nightclubs until 4 am. well that's fine, he's allowed to choose a controlling spouse.

To me it would be a sign of immaturity, and it would be totally opposite of what I look for in a partner. gosh yes, enjoying the company of someone other than your sexual partner, how awful 🙄

My dh has never done it and doesn’t want to, wouldn’t want to. never wanted to or knew he wasn't allowed?

You ‘lost track of time’ sure. have you seriously never spent time with friends, looked at the clock and wondered where the time went?? Even at lunch over a decaf tea and scone?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 13:11

RosyappleA · 03/01/2023 12:54

You have to talk about what is acceptable for either of you. I don’t think he is controlling based on your post alone but maybe just has different views. If you want different lifestyles and can’t see past those as in don’t want to make sacrifices, then you have to decide to part or stay in a relationship which will turn toxic.

You don't think men who call you "his woman" or tell you that your going out dancing is "disrespecting him" are controlling?!

Blimey. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

& OP doesn't have a different "lifestyle". She stays out late with her mates once or twice a year. I might go horseriding twice a year - it doesn't constitute a "lifestyle".

KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 13:15

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 13:09

@KettrickenSmiled there's a very good chance that he found out, chose to forgive and then she gives him reason to doubt.

Is that a fact?

lifehappens12 · 03/01/2023 13:16

My exhusband used to put curfews on my nights out - had to be home before the last train. I socialised in London we lived a one hours train ride away. I saw friends once a month and ideally would have stayed at my friends house not come home but that was out of the question as 'married women' don't do that.

For him it was about control - I think he though I was going to cheat and it has his way of preventing it and actually he was driving me away instead of trusting me.

Marriage failed due to this and load more issues. I wish I had seen this red flag earlier on

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2023 13:19

girlmom21 · 03/01/2023 13:09

@KettrickenSmiled there's a very good chance that he found out, chose to forgive and then she gives him reason to doubt.

One night a year out with her mates when she comes home late isn't reason to doubt fidelity. Anyway, he DOES trust her, he told her. It's men he doesn't trust. Clearly says a lot about his own morals

upfucked · 03/01/2023 13:21

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 11:07

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

But he doesn’t treat you well. He is controlling. It will get worse.

ShepherdMoons · 03/01/2023 13:21

I understand that many posters think that this man is controlling. However, he's already raised the fact that he doesn't like her coming home at 4am. In a way that's a boundary, really other posters are right in saying 'is this relationship right for you OP?'. It sounds like they both want different things, perhaps just completely incompatible.

lap90 · 03/01/2023 13:21

Sounds like he'll be doing you a big favour tbh.

ShepherdMoons · 03/01/2023 13:23

I would also say that there are lots of trust issues in the relationship. Perhaps if there were some stronger foundations the dp wouldn't be so worried about the late nights.

theremustonlybeone · 03/01/2023 13:23

the minute you said he thinks your 'disrespecting' him by stayin out was enough for me to say end it. Having a blow out with mates occasionally should be something a partner encourages. If this is what life is like now god help you once married and kids arrive. You will end up isolated from friends and family and him stuck to you

Leooooo · 03/01/2023 13:27

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 11:07

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

I think this is really key. He told you it was a deal breaker and you did it again anyway.

That could veer into being controlling but equally, this could be a red line he had, similar to those who don't like porn use by their partner for example

If you feel that you have to stay out until 4am and it is a red line for him, I think you should split.

booboo82 · 03/01/2023 13:32

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wouldvecouldveshouldve · 03/01/2023 13:34

Brefugee · 03/01/2023 13:04

He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

i only read this far: you are not compatible.

And fucking men. They behave badly, they don't call each other out on it and yet women have to modify their behaviour (and am aware that in this case it isn't this particular man. But his fellow men. Grrr)

Absolutely spot on.

Coffeellama · 03/01/2023 13:37

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 11:07

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Well he doesn’t treat you well or respect you then does he. He either trusts you or he doesn’t. He probably doesn’t trust you because you are his possession, ‘his woman’ breaking his rules is a deal breaker.

AfraidToRun · 03/01/2023 13:43

He sounds awful and insecure. Most men I have met who had been insecure were horribly controlling and they spin it to make it sound like they are protecting you.

DucklingDaisy · 03/01/2023 13:43

Don't marry this guy. The restrictions will increase once you're married, he'll feel that's his right.

DucklingDaisy · 03/01/2023 13:44

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My husband goes out late v occasionally, I don't tend to because I value my sleep too much with young kids. I might start again when my youngest is a bit older and I might not. It's fine.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 03/01/2023 13:48

Well I don’t go out anymore as my fav clubs all closed, but when I did go out the club would shut around 3 so by the time you’ve waited for that takeaway that one of the party insists on, then found a taxi, it would usually be half 4 or something by the time I got home

i was young and single then but I guess if I’d been in a relationship and they’d not been out with me then id probably have text them or rang them (if I knew they’d be up) to tell them I was coming home

if you’re just going to a pub which shuts around midnight then I guess id also be wondering what you’re doing for another 4 hours before you get home.

lap90 · 03/01/2023 13:51

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Hang on a minute! What a weird comment. OP said she stayed out till 4am 3 times last year? It's not like she's married with a newborn baby and out in the town every weekend!

Remona · 03/01/2023 13:52

KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 11:19

However he's not controlling

Eh?

He has a massive problem with you going out with your mates, so much so that when you went out in January, he punished you for it by making the relationship "rocky" until March.

He then proffers marriage as a cure-all, you went out with your mates again last month, he had another tantrum, & is now punishing you by threatening to call off the wedding, as a spectacular piece of emotional blackmail.

He's a fucking control freak.

This with bells on.

HE’S thinking of calling the wedding off? YOU should be calling the wedding off.

You have had a couple of perfectly normal nights out and he’s using them as a stick to beat you with. He’s a controlling arsehole.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/01/2023 13:52

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Would we?

Is mumsnet just one person?

HowcanIhelp123 · 03/01/2023 13:55

Thats bullshit. Literal bullshit. You can go out until 4am dancing if you want, that's not disrespectful. Nor would grabbing a chippie and watching the sunrise with friends after a night out. Or just chilling at a friends having a night in until coming home at 4am.

Staying out until 4am snogging other guys would be. If you had kids together and coming home 4am meant you were useless the next day it would be (if you made a regular habit of it).

I'd question marrying him tbh. This is controlling and you may find he gets worse when he's got you 'locked in' with a wedding ring.

Rachie1973 · 03/01/2023 13:57

AppleBee321 · 03/01/2023 11:07

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

No no no no.

you could be hit on anywhere. Does he not think you can say no????

and ‘his’ woman. Just ewwww

Soothsayer1 · 03/01/2023 14:03

He feels disrespected because you are not obeying him, you are not deferring to him, you are not subordinating yourself to him like he thinks you ought to.
His saying it's a deal breaker and making you think he wants to call it off is his way of punishing you in an attempt to bring you back into line.
This is a blessing in disguise because he is showing his true colours!