I think he's calling off the wedding...

[AppleBee321]

Is it unreasonable to come home from a night out at 4am when you're in a relationship? I did this twice last January and it causes major issues in our relationship and it was rocky until March. He then proposed in April and since then we have been planning the wedding and everything was fine until 3 weeks ago when I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time. When I got back we started arguing and he said he doesn't know if wants to marry me anymore, I thought he was saying this was out of anger but since then he refused to speak about it or continue planning it when I bring it up.

He's not very social and doesn't really go out, he just works, goes gym and spend time with his family, we have a joint weekend business that we run together. However he's not controlling and seems to only have a problem with me coming back late. He's 27 I'm 29. Any thoughts would be appreciated x

[PurplePixies]

Why do you want to marry him?

Are you hanging onto him because he’s financially sound, solidly dependable and you feel safe with him?

If so, are you actually compatible?

When you stay out till 4am, are you steaming drunk? Do you text to let him know an approximate time that you’ll be back home?

I wouldn’t put up with a partner who goes out nightclubbing ‘till the early hours either because that sort of night out doesn’t interest me in the slightest. It’s not being controlling, it’s simply having different values and we’re both home bodies.

[Platinumpennies]

‘His women’. God almighty.

[Travis1]

@AppleBee321

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

‘His women’? This is a huge red flag in
my opinion. He’d be doing you a favour calling it off. He’s trying to curtail what little social life you seem to have. This will only get worse when you marry and escalate when you have children

[Nanny0gg]

'His Women'??

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Dump

[Nanny0gg]

@Redebs

I think if either person in a relationship is out clubbing and boozing til the early hours it's massively disrespectful

The 1950s are thataway>>>>>

[Rachie1973]

@Tamarindtree

Maybe it’s me but where do you go to at 4.00am in the morning?

Staying over at a friends house having a girls night in is one thing but hanging out in a bar or a club that late when you are not single does seem odd to me!

At the grand old age of nearly 50 I go clubbing in Popworld. It’s fucking brilliant. Usually I have my mates and often a couple of my kids with me.

we roll out of the club at 3am and stagger off to the kebab shop where we spend the next hour laughing at what a brilliant time we’ve had. My dad, bless him will often turn out to pick me and my sister up because he thinks we’re hilarious

my DH is usually at home in Essex 130 miles away from me in Southampton looking after the 2 small children we have custody of. His choice, he’s not a club fan.

I haven’t been single for a very long time, but I feel like me when I get a chance to cut loose. Not Mum, Nan, Wife, Carer etc. Then the day after I go home and normal service resumes.

[Nanny0gg]

@PurplePixies

Why do you want to marry him?

Are you hanging onto him because he’s financially sound, solidly dependable and you feel safe with him?

If so, are you actually compatible?

When you stay out till 4am, are you steaming drunk? Do you text to let him know an approximate time that you’ll be back home?

I wouldn’t put up with a partner who goes out nightclubbing ‘till the early hours either because that sort of night out doesn’t interest me in the slightest. It’s not being controlling, it’s simply having different values and we’re both home bodies.

It's not like she does it every week!

I wish I still could <old> but nowhere caters for my generation or musical tastes any more

[Goodread1]

Hi Op
@Lillygolightly
You have nailed it, by what you have said in your thread,
I totally agree with what you said.

I think he has had some serious trust issues for some time, could even be before he met you Op,
for whatever reasons unknown to you,

The end of day, he didn't have any qualls, getting together the way he did with you in first place,did he.

He needs to have counselling therapy sessions to address his trust issues,

There is nothing wrong wanting a night out with friends sometimes/every so often,
even though you are in relationship,
You are still individual in your own right,

You are not joined at hip,like congenital simese twins,

I do feel this is definitely pause for thought,
as it comes as across as Needy/Controlling behaviour of your fiance.

I do think this could be sign /red flag of Controlling/Jealousy behaviour,

I think, seriously have re think about whether to walking down the Aile at your wedding,
whether you are doing right thing??!
.
I think personally his attitude is very Concerning Op,

If you got married ?
Sooner or later you will be I think writing another Op Thread,
On how Controlling Needy your husband is, and how this behaviour leaks out in other areas of your life too.

[fdgdfgdfgdfg]

@AppleBee321

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Well that doesn't sound controlling at all! /s

My DP ends up clubbing a few times a year with her sister and friends and doesn't get in till 4ish. Yes, I know she's going to get hit on, she's a woman in a club so it's going to happen. But I trust her not to do anything, because she's my partner and if I didn't trust her then she wouldn't be.

I'm not saying I love it when shes out till that time, (she feels the need to come home at 4am and wake me up to tell me all about her night, which is not appreciated at that time in the morning), but I'd never dream of giving her grief about it

To be honest, if he cancels the wedding over this, then you've probably dodged a bullet, because he's only going to get worse. Who's to say some bloke won't hit on you in Tescos? He'll be stopping you going out full stop next

[ValerieDoonican]

"His women"? So you are his possession? (Or one of them).

He is exercised about the possibility of other men eyeing up his "belongings" by the sounds of it

Will marrying be the equivalent of completing on a house purchase for him, do you think? You will be legally his so he can do anything he wants with you?

[DottyLittleRainbow]

You are a grown adult and he doesn’t get to give you a curfew. He sounds controlling. And he is trying to control you again now by threatening to call off the wedding but making out that this is all your fault. To get you to beg and plead and promise “no more nights out”. When actually this is his issue.

I think him doing this would do you a massive favour in the long run and that you should carefully evaluate whether you want to continue this relationship. It’s much harder to end a relationship at this stage than a marriage later down the line.

[ThisGirlNever]

If this isn't a simple 'I'm worried where you might be and can't sleep. Please text me, to let me know you're safe.' situation, dump him.

[Bookworm20]

The only actual problem here is this:

He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him.

He has told you what his line is. And you crossed it, purposely knowing it was a deal breaker for him, because what?, you don't agree with it?

Thats fine, you don't have to agree, but you do have to respect it, discuss it, come to an agreement around it etc if you want to be in a relationship with that person.

It should make no difference what his deal breakers actually are, the fact he has TOLD you what they are and you've chosen to agree to marry him, should mean you accept those deal breakers. Not just do your own thing anyway. You have basically said to him that staying out until 4am is more important to you than how he feels about it.

People can put whatever deal breakers/boundaries/whatever in place. And if you want to be with that person you respect those. If you don't agree with their boundaries, then leave. Thats your choice. Don't just trample all over them as though they are not relevant.

[musingsinmidlife]

When did he find out that you cheated on your ex with him?

Did he know when you first slept with him that you were still in a relationship and that he was the 'other' man?

[Wheresthebeach]

@FleasNavidad

"He says he feels like I'm disrespecting him"

🚩

This !! With bells on.

[Ariela]

@AppleBee321 I think the problem is you say this:
I went out again and again came back around 4am as I lost track of time

It's the losing track of time that's the issue. He's clearly worrying more the later you get. If I go out I always say 'Ill be back between x and y' . Quite often I'm going to be longer, so I'll text again 'Jenny has just turned up so doing a bit of a catch up likely to be back between y & z now' And then I text as I'm leaving to say 'just leaving'. However that can go wrong! Went out NYD with neighbours a short way along the road and walked back with our next door neighbours far earlier than I'd said and DH commented 'you didn't text to say you were leaving' - I didn't because I was nearly 2 hours sooner than I'd said and thought he might be catching up on sleep, so would be home before he'd worry, and was going home in company (it's only 6 houses up).

Had you given him expectations of being home by some earlier time ? And not let him know a revised time? If so, this is actually the issue - you've not kept to the time and been a lot later, and frankly if you don't understand the worry of waiting for someone beyond the expected time then perhaps you don't think of him and his feelings enough/on a par with your own - would you like to be left worrying? Therefore I wonder if you should be considering whether you actually should be getting married to this man or is he not actually the right one.

[whynotwhatknot]

His women? he doesnt own you or anyone else on this planet

so what if people hit on you doesnt mean tto say you'll do anything-complete red flag alert from him

dont marry him

[Ariela]

• meant to add perhaps you should apologise for being so late, and being understanding that he was worrying because he didn't know why you are late, and tell him that you'll let him know in future.

[TheShellBeach]

@AppleBee321

I'm just worried that everything will fall apart now, we've been together for nearly 6 years and he treats me good and is dependable. He said before in January that me staying out until 4am is a deal breaker for him. He said he trusts me but doesn't want his women in nightclubs as he knows that I'll be getting hit on.

Oh dear.
Multiple red flags here, OP.
I know you've been together for a while but he does sound controlling.
I despise people who claim that others "disrespect" them. It's such a silly word.
I would cancel the wedding and end things.

[Ariela]

IMO the 'disrespecting' is not caring enough to realise he's worrying when you are late - far, far later than originally said, and with complete radio silence. Had OP text and said she would be late, and text to say leaving and an ETA, then it's less worry for him.

I don't think that phrase is a red flag it's just normal behaviour whether it's a DH, DP or your mum and dad, whatever your age, to let people around you know what's going on and what time you'll be back, even if it is a revised time.

[littlefireseverywhere]

He's got issues, not you!

[Rachie1973]

@Ariela

IMO the 'disrespecting' is not caring enough to realise he's worrying when you are late - far, far later than originally said, and with complete radio silence. Had OP text and said she would be late, and text to say leaving and an ETA, then it's less worry for him.

I don't think that phrase is a red flag it's just normal behaviour whether it's a DH, DP or your mum and dad, whatever your age, to let people around you know what's going on and what time you'll be back, even if it is a revised time.

But he’s actually said it’s simply because he doesn’t want her in clubs where she might be ‘hit on’.

He has a choice to end it, but he hasn’t. He just punishes her like a child.

[justcallmeJane]

Don't marry him op.

[girlmom21]

@KettrickenSmiled clearly it's not a fact when I said "there's a good chance"

[GreyCarpet]

@Speedweed

You don't really give enough information, but saying 'you lost track of time' suggests that you go out, he has no idea where you are, whether you're alive dead, or what time you'll be back.

I used to be like this, and from my own circumstances I know that associated issues can be drinking/drug problems, shady friends that are actually trouble, random shagging/snogging while out of it, writing a whole weekend off with hangovers and catching up sleep when you had plans with him (basically prioritising him last), overspending and debt issues (big nights out aren't cheap).

Overall, behaving like this shouts 'I'm unreliable! You cannot count on me!', which would not be a problem if you were equally flaky, because you'd be well matched.

But when you're planning a lifelong commitment to someone, perhaps having children at some point, their lack of consideration in not even taking 30 seconds to send a message saying 'See you in the morning' rings alarm bells. And that's aside from any of the associated problem behaviours that are connected with massive nights out.

If he's a keeper (and you obviously think so) he should be a priority - that doesn't mean you don't go out, but it does mean being considerate of his feelings, and at least keeping him informed when you're on a bender.

Agree with this tbh.